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I think you should be compensated for your time and effort. make sure you get paid for taking care of her. Next get in home care for her so you can also work/ get out of the house ect. Demand that your husband helps you monetarily, You have a good heart and it's very difficult to step back and disengage and emotionally distance yourself from the situation. Sounds like your husband has no problem doing this. My husband was so in denial about his parents, never delt with anything untill I stepped in. I filed an elder at risk complaint with elder services of the the city they lived in. They came out and assessed the situation, this forced the son to deal with things and got help in place. Your mother in law needs more care than just you can provide. You are being exploited by a selfish son in denial , and no one will take care of you untill you demand it.
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OhioGal08,
It is so sad it took that attack/ER/Hosp. visit to get things to work out!
While it was wicked how the sil handled things,
and worse for them committing slander on you and your family while/after moving Mom out,
the bottom line is, she is OUTTA THERE! YAY!
[[I know there is guilt, anger and all sorts of emotions surrounding it--but just keep focusing on the fact that she is now sil's problem--sooner or later, sil will also get bit.]]

You cannot change them.
They will keep doing what they are doing.
Consider their source!
You rejoice that you no longer need to do that thankless job, and, now have a terrific chance to renew yourself, and your life, whatever shape that takes....make it good!

As for your DH not being very understanding
---guys can be like that.
Like as not, he has trouble identifying his own feelings, among other things
---a whole 'nuther complicated set of issues.
I know--it took my DH over 40 years to finally wake up to the fact he needed help, and started getting it--it took major crises with Mom, and major crisis with his health to get him to start paying attention
---prior to that, he was almost totally ignorant that I had had a stroke, even when I was dropping cups and having trouble swallowing;
we were going thru another rough patch, he was just oblivious, and I was in total shut-down/protect-myself-mode, hiding anything was wrong
--long story
--but the indicators you described, seem to point to that HE probly ALSO needs help--just an educated guess
--and now Mom is outta there, MAYbe help can be found for EACH of you!

Mom was trouble, while at your place, and escalating.
It is common for that to happen.
It is also common for sibs to do exactly what your DH's did.
It commonly breaks families apart.
Cut your losses.
Determine to make better lives for yourselves.
YOU especially, must find whatever you need, find your Genuine Self, and nurture that Self back into being--your Self has been crushed to the point of near-heart-attack--that is a GIANT wake-up call!

I will keep you in my prayers for healing!
{{{hugs!}}}
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Ohio: Good to hear from you. Remember when we talked about if your husband would take care of you? I'm grateful that you are getting a break. Beware of amnesia. Love, Cat
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Thanks for the update. Hang in there! Continue to work toward what is best for you.
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Hi , glad to hear from you. Glad u r ok n did not have a heart attack n sad u r still enduring such hi stress levels. Panic attacks r awful. I think I'd have one if my husband would not take me to ER cause he needed his rest. I simply cannot imagine that kind of response to a spouses emergent medical needs. I know u were trying to get on ur feet, n meet a time goal. R u selling some houses n continuing w ur goals? Really have worried about u, thought something tragic may have haPpened. Seriously-could u at least touch base every few weeks? If not MORE often?!! What happened with the 2nd appointment u had? Anymore there or elsewhere? Hope ur anxiety is better-not sure how it could be, but hope it is...glad to hear from u, kimbee
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Hey everyone. It's been a long time since I've been on this site due to MORE health issues and trying to find time to fit everything in.
Ended up in the Cardiac Unit of Hospital, was admitted but released the next afternoon. After many tests, results seem to point to "anxiety attack" and "stress". I was sad that my own husband felt it wasn't important enough to take me to Emergency Room, but in his own words "I have to get up for work and you could be there awhile. I need my rest". At least I didn't have to drive myself, my step daughter took me when she got off work & stayed with me until around 2am when I was placed in a room for the night & I was finally calming down. It was scary by the time I entered the ER. Nothing seemed to work, to ease the pain and get my blood pressure down until I was given morphine. Anyway, I've had a different outlook since then.
My husband has court appearance Sept 20th, for guardianship of his mom. This has been awful, the time leading up to the hearing. His mom declared war on us, making herself sick! Then my husband's sister is against this, doing everything she can to complicate things. Unexpectedly, she easily convinced my mother in law to leave our home, to be with her - making my husband and I look like "ugly demons" out to get MOM.
I feel guilty because I am enjoying peace and quiet, no pins and needles, like I have my life back. BUT my MIL is with the sister who is spending her money like candy and spins lies about us here. So who knows how court will go.
My husband has told me that IF he doesn't get guardianship, his mom can stay with his sister. Let her spend all the money. But when it's gone, mom doesn't come back here.
IF he gets guardianship, he will enforce that his MIL gets placed in daycare at one of our local assisted living quarters so I have my days of freedom to work & enjoy some quiet and peace.
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Hey! Ohiogal, where you been? Hope busy selling houses, but PLEASE, can u give us a quick drive by "I'm ok," if you are indeed OK. Girl, don't u know we worry about u?? GET ON HERE FOR JUST ONE MINUTE!! Luv n hugs, kimbee
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Ohiogal08

If you have fired your counselor, there must have been good cause.
Please do not just chalk that up to your feelings being scrambled
A counselor who is off base observing how the sessions are progressing
[or not!] , is not likely able to change their tactics.
....Honor your gut feelings, and seek a different counselor--there is no rule that forces a person to stick with the 1st counselor they try
--some folks go thru several before finding the right one
--or going to one for a time, then another, as their healing progresses, might need different kinds of counseling to keep progressing. It's OK!.

It is so hard when family fails to work cohesively together, and unfortunately, there is usually one person who ends up getting the short end of the stick. Though it might likely be that your spouses' sister feels it is herself, she is not the one doing 24/7 care-giving.
She might need her own advocate to assist her in getting her needs met, so she does not feel compelled to use her Mom, and can then stop messing with your best efforts.

As for doing 24/7 care-giving:
IF you are providing half or more of the upkeep for MIL, I believe there is a way for her to be your dependent on your taxes. Talk with whoever does your taxes. This won't get money to you fast enuf to pay that other debt, but might help in the long run.

As for creditors:
Be aware, the best thing to do is to keep in close contact with that company [any and all creditors], keep good records and paper trails--ALWAYS document on paper, contacts with the creditors--do NOT rely only on phone calls.
keep them informed of your circumstances,
and that you do not intend to stiff them in any way
--you intend to pay, as soon as the money is available
....or if you can, negotiate small payments.
They will push you, will try to pressure.
That is their job.
But talk with them--Weekly, monthly, or whenever there is a change in circumstances that might impact that arrangement.
If you lose the papers they sent for you to apply for financial hardship help, call them to get those replaced asap.

We ended up with some bills for care-giving Mom here.
And medical bills for stress-related health emergencies for ourselves.
And likely there will be legal bills.
But all the companies I have spoken with, and kept in the loop,
have been fairly decent about making arrangements for us to make minimal payments, since ALL of them want paid at once.
FEW States have laws that force creditors to stand in line one at a time...a number of States allow all creditors to come after debtors all at once, to one degree or another. CA allowed all creditors to attach wages of a family we knew, to the point they had nothing to pay rent or feed family with.
They moved to Michigan, to get some relief.

Talk with people, let them know you are doing the best you can, and you have every intention of paying as soon as you are able. If you arrange to make $10/month payments, that is something--they might squawk over that and want more, but you can keep emphasizing to them what your limits are.

You might also want to contact "Area Agency on Aging" near you,
speak to a Legal Person there,
to find out what your rights are,
BEFORE you spill too many personal beans to the creditors or collection agencies.
They can help inform you what your legal rights are relative to collection agencies, what to do to help get your needs met, and get the care your MIL needs--which might be in a nursing home now.

I pray you can get some relief!

{{{hugs!}}}
Chi



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By the way, Ohio, you do realize that you can go online and check your News Thread. All threads that you have posted on will show up along with all personal posts. Much like the emails, just check your News Thread every day or two.
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Woops, hit the submit button by mistake. Anyway, I know you don't want to rock the boat, but just a suggestion regarding MIL. You decide if it makes any sense.

Stay safe and keep us posted. Hugs, Cat
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Ohio: From a practical standpoint, check out WalMart for a mattress protector tht covers the entire mattress. Then cover the bottom sheet with a waterproof pad, probably exactly what you have. You can also place another one under the bottom sheet for extra protection. Combined, you may be able to solve a problem that will only get worse.

Interesting news about your counselor. He should be seeing you for free at this session and not charging your insurance. Not that he would, but he did call you, you didn't call him.

I wonder what would happen if you told your MIL that you will have to place her in nursing home care because you have to work and can't manage her care all by yourself. You can tell her it's not that you don't want her to stay with you, it's just that you can't, in good conscience, leave her alone even if she thinks she will be ok. And if she wants to stay at your home, she is going to have to spend some of her money on in home help. That way you can work and she can remain at your home.
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Natures miracle stain and odor remover. Buy at big pet co chains or some small pet stores. Treat asap, works well. Another: Fresh n Clean oxy-strength by arm & hammer. Same stores. Can also put baking soda and vinegar in w strong detergent. To clean mattress itself, need carpet cleaner or spot cleanermachine. I got Hoover spin brush w power Surge scrub performance. You can put several plastics one on first from under mattress, then a 2nd from top down. Add a pad the big ones like puppy pee pads next, then the mattress pad w several more pads on top. Place bottom sheet, more pads, then rest of sheets, get extra whopper poise pads for night, get drinks done several hours before bedtime, make sure she goes before bed ( my mom loves to say she doesn't have to go, or just went, when she didn't)
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I have been sorting out my thoughts and trying to rationalize more on what to do first. I am pulled in so many directions - so tired of this. Yes, I did change my password and notifications where they don't hit my email account like they were, and I miss that, too. It's like someone cares - and it gave me smiles to get the alerts that someone responded or posted. Here is my updates: my husband's sister hates us now, since we "collected" the mil's car back from her. The title was never changed, was sitting outside, while she continue to try to get MIL to pay for transfer fees, etc. Went on for over a month. Enough. Lawyer said to go get it. Long story there, police were involved. Ugly scene. Ok, so now I have a better car to take her to doctor appts, etc. Physical therapy was stopped because therapist felt we could continue doing the exercises to continue strengthening and re-building of her leg and arm muscles. Skilled nursing has stopped, she won't allow them to help her with bathing. NO WAY! Husband is continuing to seek guardianship, but the legal process is slow. I got served papers over a bad debt (I have kept current (off and on) on all my bills but one - I got behind & it snowballed on me. Now they want to file a judgment against me for the $2100 I owe). I have 28 days for an answer. What can I say? I owe it. I'm sorry. But sorry doesn't pay it. So another lesson learned. Now to figure out how to pay it off and quick. I doubt at this point they will let me make payments. On the other hand, I have re-arranged my home office so I can work a little more smoothly - sold a couple houses but it takes awhile for checks to come in. MIL has been nicer since doing phy therapy, but I think everyone is happier when they exercise. The lawyer tells me to stay put, let the clock tick while trying to stay focused on the long plan. But if tempers ever flare where I feel unsafe, apply exit plan immediately. Fired my counselor, but then he called, wanting to work it out. So I have another counseling session Monday - we'll see if he is willing to take a new direction than the one we have been going. I'm still sad about my life & continue to care for MIL daily. Today, woke up to finding the bed wet in her room. My waterproof mat didn't catch it all, poor mattress. Did the best I could to clean it up. Anyone have cleaning ideas for that? My MIL tried to hide the fact she did this, even hid her wet urinated underware in a box behind the recliner. (was able to find because of smell). Then threw her saturated urinated pad in a plastic bag under the bed. All I could say this morning was, hello world.
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Hey Ohio! U ok. Let us know!!!
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Ohio, just caught up with all the advice on here. Do it do it do it! While he's at work. Can mil use the phone to call him ? Unhook the phone. Make sure daughter is out of the house. Hopefully she will be home before him and mil will have someone there with her. I hate saying this, but mil sounds like she's a danger to herself. If when you leave she is alone you may have repercussions from that. If nobody is available to be there, be standing outside with the police when he pulls in the drive. The police will keep him from following you. Are your cell phones on the same account? Get rid of it. He can track down your location with your gps. I am so dam happy you are making plans to get out. We are all rooting for you. Make sure you have all your family ready to go so you can be out in a matter of hours. Tell your kids to get their friends to help. The more people the better and you can direct them what to take and it will go faster. Prayers being sent your way!!!!! lisa
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Ohio, I'm so glad you shared your situation - it looks like you are planning for your exit, BUT I think this is a VERY dangerous man. Years ago I worked for a security company - my supervisors were all ex-cops - This is just the kind of situation where the guy blows sky-high and takes as many people with him as he can. I hope your lawyer is aware of the danger - sometimes they think of legal strategy and money, when it's time to think of simply surviving! All this careful financial planning will do you no good if you are dead. Be sure the police know what the situation really is, work with the battered women's counselors to get out safely. Cattails has a good point about doing it fast while he is at work. This guy is much too dangerous to spend any time around. This is the type that absolutely has to have it his way or the world ends, you with it.
God bless and protect you.
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P.S.
I think the denial is "selective" denial. He knows, he just has you to do it.
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My heart goes out to you Ohio. This is way more than a person should have to bare. I'm sorry but I would like to shake some sense in your husband and the rest of his relatives.
Please don't quit your job. I was in real estate for almost 20 years and the money I lost due to giving it up to care for mom has been massive.
Can you tell your husband you are DONE!!!! Unplug micro, hide coffee pot, take knobs off stove and go to work. This sounds cruel but they all have the money to rectify the situation and are just using you.
I agree with zoey, this is the worst I have heard of. Bless your heart! And it is HIS mother whom you have only known since you married him. I would tell him it is on him now. And not coming right home. I would blow a gasket.
I'm worried about your health, the stress starts wearing on your immune system. So you don't share money but your stuck with all the caregiving for his mother.
This is so wrong on so many levels. The weight gain is probably from stress and cortisol hormones. Please have another talk with him. Show him the responses on this website. I'll pray for you! Hugs!
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After u follow B'Worms good advice, go back and read your whole thread straight through. Then follow EMJO-Joan and Cat's advice and begin working with a domestic violence agency (ONLY) for counseling. Isolation and dependence-especially financial dependence-are universal techniques employed by ALL abusers. Abuse is about power and control. You CAN have a good life. Can you maintain the same demeanor so as not to arouse any undue increase in controlling behaviors? The support here is some of the best anywhere. We will be here for you- thanks for being more honest with us. Have u changed those p-words yet? If not- can u make That your priority?
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I would try to do my old job move out and let him deal with her then he will see how things really are why should you take care of her its his mother good luck God bless
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Follow Bookworm's advise. Change your password to AC to something your husband doesn't know. Be safe. Love, Cattails
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Ohio, there is a way to stop the emails alerts from this site from going to your email. This will help avoid your husband from finding out that you are using this website. You see the box with your profile? Click on "EDIT ACCOUNT". Then click on "EMAILS and NEWSLETTERS" Then Uncheck Mark All the boxes so that Nothing is sent to your email.

Next, when you are done with this site for the day, you will need to Delete it from your Browser History. Sign Out. Then click on "TOOLS" on the top, then click on the box that says "Delete Browsing History" or it may have "Delete Browsing History of this Site." Click on it, and it will delete it. You need to do this every time you sign off from this site.

When I use my sister's computer, I always delete what site I've been using. There's really no need for her and the girls to see where I go on the internet.
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Well, now we know your agenda, and that you are bored.
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I am SO glad you are taking action to improve your situation!
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And I don't drink, except my ice tea and coke ( cutting back to lose weight), I do not smoke, do not party, do not do drugs, only pills I take are for my stomach. I am a boring person at the moment, tied down here. Family functions don't happen anymore, no one wants to be around my MIL and that is sad. So here I sit.
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He knows my passwords, logs onto my emails, posting this here could get me in trouble with him. But then I think, how can it get any worse ... I am already doomed.
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Yes, I don't want to waste anymore years on a marriage that has failed, even though I really tried. I didn't want to post here, just in the event he finds this, but I was advised to "try" to reach the 10 year marriage date, it opens more means of monies for me. This won't be until May of next year. Yes, I have told my counselor some of this, but he felt our relationship is suffering over the MIL issues and his sister's antics and cruel behaviors.
The attorney also says since I run my business out of my home, and have declared so on our taxes, he would like me stay in place for awhile, but fine to stay with family here and there, not to create waves. He will file a restraining order, have security thrown on this home, locks changed, with me being entitiled to stay for 30 to 60 days, giving the courts time to set up alimony and I can get everything out safely.
My parents are elderly, I don't want to bring harm to them. My mother could not take it, and my father is too feeble with Parkinson's disease and any stress brings on medical issues.
I need to be in my own place, one with good security in place, I have 9 1/2 months to reach that point.
This is why I have been doing so much thinking and not putting anything here for his eyes to find my strategy. I know all about the place where abused women stay, I give to that organization, and all I need to do is go to the police dept and they will have me picked up and located there. Ever since he threatened to pour gas on my vehicles, that phone number is in my cell phone, in my appt book, on my computer, in my file off site. I am prepared.
My parents will let me stay in their basement, but I could bring harm to them and I won[t do that. Not even to my children. and I will let my husband know that I am not staying with family, making that VERY clear. My parents live only 3 miles from here, where my son is only one street away. NOT GOOD!!!
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Ohio: I have questions, but before I list them you need to answer the biggest question. Have you reached a point where you WANT AND ARE WILLINGto leave your husband. We can all make suggestions, but if you have no intention of leaving then nothing we say makes any difference. It's a huge mistake for you to stay, but you know that so it's a question of what, if anything, you are willing to do to save your self.

Please answer these questions: I have a reason for asking them.

1. Are you willing to live at your parents house?
2. How far away do your parents live from your current residence?
3 Are you afraid your husband will harm you or your parents if you move and live with them?
4. Will you share this info with your counselor?

My guess is you have not shared with your counselor the extent of the abuse you live with because he would also advise you to leave and you have not made that decision for yourself yet.

You need a place to go and I have a gut feeling you would not consider a women's shelter. So if you want to leave him, you need to pick a place to go and make a plan.

If you are willing to leave we will all help you. You have options here. If you feel that you are safe at home right now as long as you don't make any waves, then you have some time to pack more of your things and get them quietly out of the house. I don't remember if your son is close enough to pick up your boxes/belongings with out creating undue attention, but if so that would be helpful.

The risk I see from moving things out slowly is that your husband may notice clothes or something other missing and then the shit will really hit the fan. For that reason I think it is better for you to pack everything you can while he is at work and leave in the same day. I'm hoping your son is close enough to bring another person (driver) with him, pack up all the cars and then drive away in one fell swoop.

I would suggest that you use that key and help yourself to some of his cash stash. Use a few bucks of it to pay someone to stay with his mom during the time between when you leave and he comes home. Take as money as you can because it will pay some of your bills and, like it or not, the cash is a joint asset.

Anything that you leave behind and want to retrieve later you can do with the help of the police department. I don't know about Florida, but in California, where I use to live, the police would come out and stand by while a person removed their personal belongings from their home in a domestic situation.

You could go to your local police department and talk with an officer about this after you leave. Or you could go in and tell them that you are in an abusive situation and will be leaving on a certain date. Make sure they understand that you are making a report just in case any difficulties arise during your leaving. Tell them that you want to be able to tell your husband that you have notified the police of you intent to leave and if they have not heard from you by that evening they will be coming to the house to check on you. I'm not sure they (police) will do this, but you can talk to them and see. Either way, it's a good back-up story to tell your hubby should he show up unexpectedly.

We can talk more about a plan, but best case scenario is just pack as much as you can and get the f*** out in one day. And please, don't ever go back. He will be a maniac for the rest of your life.

I know you have your business and don't want to leave the client base that you have built, but you have no friends there anyway. You need friends and you can make then in another area. You can go to support groups that deal with co-dependency and women's groups that help battered women. You are battered and I hope you realize that it doesn't take bruises and broken bones to qualify as battered.

You can build a new client base. Let's face it, the RE market has a long way to go so waiting for it to come back is going to take a long time. You don't have a long time. You can get a job doing in real estate sales elsewhere or maybe checking to pharmaceutical sales. That's a booming field. You can flip burgers if need be for some income.

Doors will open for you if you are willing to make a change and close the doors that don't serve your interests. You have to trust that the world is out there for you and you can be part of something much better.

Please respond to my email and know that all of us are praying for your safety and happiness. Love, Cattails
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Ohio,please considered and listens to all those posters!! I was married to no good buster for 20 yrs... I divorced him 20 yrs ago that was best thing in my life!! He was very abusive with physically and mentally. Plus he was molested our own daughter....I thought he was abusing me because I couldn't speak enough English and I didn't know anything without him.... I'm Japanese so he call me all of kinds name. Each time after he hart me he did try to munipulate me because I did cause him to acting out this ways.. so much BS!!!
Please Ohio, those type of men who we once attracted but ASA seen sign of abuse/abusive start packing our bag...so before he and his family will hart you more. I do understand your situation. Can I say one more thing... This thread is not about caregiver for your MIL, it is your Life.....
I did posted about a month ago, I felt some abuse is going on..
Again, everyone reserves a little happiness, so you!!!
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OhioGal - threatening, pinning down, yelling and screaming is abuse.
Here is some information from the Violence Intervention Services from University of Northern Iowa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Examples of emotional abuse include constantly belittling, berating, isolating, ignoring, or rejecting someone.

Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, is used to control, demean, harm or punish the victim. While the forms of abuse may vary, the end result is the same – the victim is fearful of the abuser and walks on eggshells to please him/her and try to be safe from harm. Long term effects of emotional abuse include isolation and withdrawal from others, decreased self-esteem, depression, physical illness, alcohol and other drug use/abuse.

NOTE THIS: Emotional abuse is sometimes referred to as “pre-battering behavior”, as it often escalates to physical abuse.

Things to consider
•Know that you are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior.
•Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
•Recognize that emotional abuse should be taken seriously.
•Know that emotional abuse can escalate to physical violence.
•Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider getting individual counseling from professionals who are trained about abusive relationships and will hold your partner responsible for the abuse you are experiencing. HAH! -sorry I had to
•Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously
Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength.

Some victims leave, others stay, and yet others leave, but later return to their batterer, having been convinced that he has changed. To an outsider, this is frustrating and confusing. They wonder, “why would anyone stay in an abusive relationship?”

NOTE THIS TOO: Research shows that domestic violence tends to escalate in severity when victims communicate that they intend to leave or they actually leave the relationship. For this reason, it is very important to plan carefully to leave.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Google this site - Ohio Domestic Violence network, and particularly"Info for Survivors".

This list is from that site

Ohio Shelter and Program Referral List

If you are experiencing an emergency call 911 for immediate assistance. If you do not find your county or city listed below please contact ODVN at 800-934-9840 during the hours of 9:00 am to 5:00 pm for referral to an agency that can best serve you. Please note that not all programs listed here are shelter programs, some offer other services such as legal advocacy services. If you need to contact an advocate immediately and not during our regular business hours call the National Domestic Violence Hot Line, 24-hours a day, at 800-799-7233.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ohiogal - make that phone call to the ODVN at 800-934-9840 during the hours of 9:00 am to 5:00 pm. You can find out which agencies are in your area and get counselling and legal advocacy.

I think that letting your family know about the situation you are in is a good idea. Maybe your sons can come and get you out of there, but also contact the professionals at the number above, and make a plan to protect yourself. They have the resources you need.Once professionals are involved, you are better protected. and ditch that counsellor

Keep in touch, You know there are many here who care for you and are praying for you. We want to see you safe in all ways - physically, emotionally, spiritually. We want to see you reunited with those who love you. I remember way back you saying if this relationship did not work out you would never have another one. Never say never, dear one. You have a lot of healing to do, but never say never. In any case, with or without a partner, you can have a good life.

With much love and hope for your future (((((((hugs))))) and ♥♥♥ Joan
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