My husband is in denial of just how bad his mom truly is. There are days where I just want to walk out the door!

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Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.

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this thread is several years old. Ohiogal has not posted recently. Her mil was being looked after by another family member in their home when she last posted in 2012.

concerned wife - you may want to start a new discussion with your own story.
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Ohiogal you need to contact a lawyer asap. You may not want a divorce ma it is clear your husband doesn't want a marriage he wants an unpaid slave for his mother. Contact Senior services and tell them what is going on and see if they can help you set things in motion. This is a very toxic situation and will leave you in a position of no money, no marriage and poor health besides. Who does the house belong to? Maybe you will need to gather as much as you can and just leave the house to fend for itself; perhaps then your husband will see the light.
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i know what your going threw my husbands mother has dementia, and her husband lives with her at their home a few miles down the road from ours he(her husband) has problems with his heart and is dying her son (my husband seems to think she can stay alone with her hubby and that she is fine all because he will call her and she said she is she can no longer drive cook operate the microwave ,tv or phone she cant make food for herself she calls herself cleaning her home all she does is walk around in circles i tried to get her help threw social services and she has to much money to quilfy for medicare that would pay for someone to come in and help so the son would have to pay for it out of her money which he ownt do today i received a phone call she was in the middle of a back street while a car was coimng luckly it was someone who knew us and her they call trying to make sure she was ok the son doesnt think that it was a problem and didnt even go check on her i had to go and then she argued with me that she didnt do it and cussed me out i told the son that she was going to get hurt and he would be charged with neglate but he always changes the subject or doesnt want to dicuss it im at my wits end and dont know what to do and whats bad i see him getting this diease too
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THANK YOU for sharing your experience Ohiogal ~ this thread has shown me what my b/f intentions are in regards to his mother. He has been planning on me moving in with him basically I think to do to me what your husband did to you, to have ME be her SLAVE! Not happening no way...he's strung me along all this time and now this is it I'm not going to be put in that type of situation and I learned from your story. Thank you again and I hope things are good, it really is horrible what the MIL and he put you through. There are alot of parents on here that turn their adult children's lives into disasters because they feel 'entitled' to their caregiving by the fact that they raised them. My b/f mother is one nasty person and I will NOT fall into the trap you unfortunately did Ohio but I am glad the story seemed to end well. Lessoned learned here but without having to go through it! :) Thank GOD!
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Ohiogal08: How are you doing? Give us an update. I still think about you and hope your life has improved.
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Then let HIM take care of her. She is his responsiblity. Go back to work. First go to a spa for a full day of beauty. Hire a housekeeper. Leave her alone so he can see the consequences. Act dumb and ask "what are you going to do honey?" Stop cleaning up his messes.There is a difference between "helping" and "enabling." He can keep denying as long as you are doing the work.
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I'm happy for you, Ohio. What a change in the tone of your posts, from where you first started. I'm happy you're happy. And.... I hope mil doesn't come back!
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Great news, thanks for the update. We are all glad to hear you are finally getting some good times back in your life. As cmagnum says,"You are not nuts to be happy! Enjoy!"
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Well said, CMag.
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I don't like conflict either for I was raised to focus on others, denying my needs which my mother denied as well, and learned at an early age to swallow my true feelings about things. With the help of therapy, I am doing better at standing up for myself, confronting people who need to be confronted, etc., but still have a ways to go.

Humility does not mean being a slave and not valuing oneself. Respect does not mean obedience. There's a time to be quite and there's a time to speak up. There's a time to be reserved and there's a time to be bold.

You are valuable and I hope in the future when it comes to you that you can overcome the knee jerk reaction to back off. Possibly, the energy that you put into standing up for your clients is energized by a desire to do or partly like standing up for yourself like you wish you could do. That probably makes you a powerful negotiator. I know from my own experience that standing up to my MIL was easy and sort of a substitute for standing up to my mother.

I wish you well in your journey through life!
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