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Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.

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this thread is several years old. Ohiogal has not posted recently. Her mil was being looked after by another family member in their home when she last posted in 2012.

concerned wife - you may want to start a new discussion with your own story.
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Ohiogal you need to contact a lawyer asap. You may not want a divorce ma it is clear your husband doesn't want a marriage he wants an unpaid slave for his mother. Contact Senior services and tell them what is going on and see if they can help you set things in motion. This is a very toxic situation and will leave you in a position of no money, no marriage and poor health besides. Who does the house belong to? Maybe you will need to gather as much as you can and just leave the house to fend for itself; perhaps then your husband will see the light.
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i know what your going threw my husbands mother has dementia, and her husband lives with her at their home a few miles down the road from ours he(her husband) has problems with his heart and is dying her son (my husband seems to think she can stay alone with her hubby and that she is fine all because he will call her and she said she is she can no longer drive cook operate the microwave ,tv or phone she cant make food for herself she calls herself cleaning her home all she does is walk around in circles i tried to get her help threw social services and she has to much money to quilfy for medicare that would pay for someone to come in and help so the son would have to pay for it out of her money which he ownt do today i received a phone call she was in the middle of a back street while a car was coimng luckly it was someone who knew us and her they call trying to make sure she was ok the son doesnt think that it was a problem and didnt even go check on her i had to go and then she argued with me that she didnt do it and cussed me out i told the son that she was going to get hurt and he would be charged with neglate but he always changes the subject or doesnt want to dicuss it im at my wits end and dont know what to do and whats bad i see him getting this diease too
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THANK YOU for sharing your experience Ohiogal ~ this thread has shown me what my b/f intentions are in regards to his mother. He has been planning on me moving in with him basically I think to do to me what your husband did to you, to have ME be her SLAVE! Not happening no way...he's strung me along all this time and now this is it I'm not going to be put in that type of situation and I learned from your story. Thank you again and I hope things are good, it really is horrible what the MIL and he put you through. There are alot of parents on here that turn their adult children's lives into disasters because they feel 'entitled' to their caregiving by the fact that they raised them. My b/f mother is one nasty person and I will NOT fall into the trap you unfortunately did Ohio but I am glad the story seemed to end well. Lessoned learned here but without having to go through it! :) Thank GOD!
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Ohiogal08: How are you doing? Give us an update. I still think about you and hope your life has improved.
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Then let HIM take care of her. She is his responsiblity. Go back to work. First go to a spa for a full day of beauty. Hire a housekeeper. Leave her alone so he can see the consequences. Act dumb and ask "what are you going to do honey?" Stop cleaning up his messes.There is a difference between "helping" and "enabling." He can keep denying as long as you are doing the work.
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I'm happy for you, Ohio. What a change in the tone of your posts, from where you first started. I'm happy you're happy. And.... I hope mil doesn't come back!
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Great news, thanks for the update. We are all glad to hear you are finally getting some good times back in your life. As cmagnum says,"You are not nuts to be happy! Enjoy!"
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Well said, CMag.
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I don't like conflict either for I was raised to focus on others, denying my needs which my mother denied as well, and learned at an early age to swallow my true feelings about things. With the help of therapy, I am doing better at standing up for myself, confronting people who need to be confronted, etc., but still have a ways to go.

Humility does not mean being a slave and not valuing oneself. Respect does not mean obedience. There's a time to be quite and there's a time to speak up. There's a time to be reserved and there's a time to be bold.

You are valuable and I hope in the future when it comes to you that you can overcome the knee jerk reaction to back off. Possibly, the energy that you put into standing up for your clients is energized by a desire to do or partly like standing up for yourself like you wish you could do. That probably makes you a powerful negotiator. I know from my own experience that standing up to my MIL was easy and sort of a substitute for standing up to my mother.

I wish you well in your journey through life!
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cmagnum. thanks. I have always been more of a giver, silent, easily stepped on because I don't like to fight. Not worth it. It makes me so ill, in fact, I avoid conflict as much as possible. IF it is about me. NOW, if it has to do about real estate and a customer/client - it's not about me, it's about them, and I can negotiate most anything without angry outbursts. I will fight for them and represent my client with all I have. BUT when it comes to me, I back off. Always been that way. Probably because of how I was raised. To be humble, respectful, quiet, reserved. Hmmm....
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Chimonger from Oct 3 comments ... it seems like so long ago that MIL was here. I felt guilty at first. Then felt even more guilty when I was happy that she wasn't here so I could be with my grandchildren, sons, daughter-in-laws, my parents, talking with my brother & his wife again (they do not like my husband at all & made a stand not to be associated with him which has been hard. I love my brother, we were so close until a couple years ago). Anyway, IF MY MIL returns to our household, and my husband is given guardianship which gives him full powers over financial and medical decisions plus where she lives... we have a senior day care center for alzheimer's patients that will pick her up from our home, transport there and back, so she will have breakfast there, activities, therapy, exercise, nurse checks from 8 to 5 Monday - Friday. But I would be thankful for only have 3 days if 5 seems to over whelm her. Then let the sister in law have her anytime she pleases, at least the open check book account will not be within reach anymore IF my husband gets guardianship.
NOW, if he does not get guardianship, he "says" his heart will be hardened and his sister is dead to him. He will not stop loving his mom and will continue to see her now and then, but she will not be coming to live with us anymore. See how his sister like it and holds up. We know she will blow through the money quickly, then do what she has done in the past - dropping MIL off here, saying, here she is! Oh well. Just wish a decision would be made. My sister in law feels she won, then my husband feels that he has a good chance. so who knows?
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cattails - sending you hugs, too. You have been with me on this journey - many many helpful thoughts and ideas sent my way. I was so in the dark, feeling so alone before - it wasn't until this group helped me gain strength and wisdom, that I started back up from my dungeon. Yes, this was a true prison with all going on that I will NEVER forget. Never want to go back. I can still remember not wanting to get out of bed, knowing that my day was going to suck. Wondering what games my MIL was going to play today on me. Enough of bad thoughts. I am happier now, & have been having fun. I just want this guardianship to be decided upon, so I know what life path I will be headed in next.
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Kimbee, I have stayed off line for awhile due to all the hours spent on getting back to work, I need the money to get back financially out of trouble. Yes, my one son is very angry with me - feels I left him and his family because my husband and his mom were number 1 - no room for them. That I still have to work out. But my other 2 sons and their families are understanding & it's so nice to back with them where they call more often or I can. My husband doesn't care to visit them with me, but you know? maybe that's a good thing.
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You are not nuts to be happy! Enjoy!
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JudymW and sunsetSheila, yes - I continue to also visit my grandchildren and my grandbabies call me so I have them back in my life with a positive outlook. I have also made more time to be with my parents to visit, but I know "their" time is coming where I will need to assist them more. But unlike my MIL, they are so caring and loving, appreciative. My father has Parkinson's disease, with rickety, rackity joints - at times can loose feelings in feet and hands, which scares him. His memory gets confused at times, too. They tell me it is the disease. So maybe by having my MIL in my care for over a year, was a learning lesson for future days when caring for my parents. I am also back to work full time, making sales and getting listings (real estate sales). It will take awhile to get back to where I was ... again, baby steps. My husband is getting back to his prior self, not staying away ... but I know it will never be the same. Too many hurts have blackened my heart - and I learned that when times get tough, I can't depend on him. Especially when I went to the hospital - his needs where more important. (sigh)
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Chimonger - I love you & sending a hug your way. I would really like to meet someday - because through my days of darkness, it seems that you have been through much the same, so I feel that I am not alone. I'm still on the roller coaster of what to do - but until a few more actions can be taken, I remain here. I have major news of mother-in-law though.
On Sept 12th, my sister in law took my MIL from us, saying she is going to stop/block the guardianship (but she lied to MIL, took her money for an attorney to yes, block us, but put herself as the guardian instead). This has been an interesting couple months. It didn't even take a full week and MIL was entered into hospital for 5 or 6 days. Since being released, her blood pressure is sky high, at times 200+ over 100, I truly feel she is going to die before all the guardianship hoops are finished. We have had 2 court appearances/hearings, with a couple postponements (once because of sister in law, the other from the judge). We still are in waiting for a decision from the judge while MIL is still with sister in law. Because we have our freedom from MIL, my husband has taken me on 2 vacations, had a really really nice time, too. And he has made plans for another 2 week vacation from Christmas to New Year's week to Orlando Florida. Am I nuts to be happy?
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JessieBell. Yes, I know I was walked on and totally unappreciated at times - but I still care about him. One day I want to leave, the next I want to try to get back what we had, then another day - he surprises me totally, Very confusing.Nonetheless, I have a plan in motion so if I need to go, I can and not look back. Still in the works.
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JudymW: Thanks for the "sight" information. We have been blessed with finding a great physician that has been giving mom injections and vitamin supplements that has lessened the blinded areas of her one eye, tryiing to save the loss of sight from the other. What she has is: example: looking at someones face - she can see the outline of their hair, eyes and background - but missing out on the center. It used to be a total black area, now has improved to be light gray with some very very faint vision. Thank goodness she still has the other eye to see us in whole. It's frustrating to her, getting used to this. She does not need magnifying glasses yet. Her vision is good in the one eye totally, the other - the center is missing. Doctor's tell us that is the best it will get - and we feel so lucky for that!! God bless ....
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Ohio: How are you doing. It's been a while since you posted and I'm hoping you are ok. Sending hugs your way. Cat
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Ohio, my friends mom (with macular degeneration) gets help from the Massachusetts Association for the Blind. They've been a huge help. I googled Ohio and they've got similar organizations.
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Ohio--

Kinda wondering what the deal is,
why not to just allow the sister to have her?
IF your "DH" gets her back, does that mean he gets her back into the house,
or, does it mean he gets POA?
I do not think I would worry about it, particularly--sounds like a sibling squabble.

Besides, there is a THIRD possibility, which neither of them may have thot of so far
--and that is, in the case of contentious siblings, a non-family custodian can be designated to take care of MIL's affairs...leaving both siblings out of that loop!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I bet you are setting up contacts with in-home health care workers to cover for you, just in case he brings MIL back into your house...!! ;-P

Your time away sounds kinda idyllic!
You sure needed that [and deserved that]!
{{hugs!}}
SO glad you went for that!
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Ohio: Glad you are spending time with your family and building your business again. I think there is much positive energy in your life, it's just not located in your home or in the interactions with your husband, SIL or MIL. Let them have their own journey and please believe that your journey will be filled with positive energy and love if you leave them behind.

Sending you continued courage. Cattails
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Ohio gal: listen to sunset Sheila, please? Once I took on something that turned out to be just waaay too much. A friend pointed out to me that just because I agreed to the (ever growing) big task, DID NOT mean I had to keep on agreeing to it. It was a helpful way for me change my perspective. I had (erroneously) believed that I made a commitment and therefore should honor that commitment. I was able to extricate myself n have others step in. Honestly, it was not my problem. You may care for ur MIL n want the best for her, but is that what is best n right for you? Of course we don't kno what we would ever do for sure, but I hope I would invest my future in my kids n grkids, showing them how to care well for self, n set healthy priorities. It seems your kids likely see the marriage u r in is in effect isolating you from them, n is not good for u. They may not have said it to u, but they probably find ur placing selfish spouse n MIL ABOVE ur self and them, somewhat askew. We felt this way re: our moms involvement w (not so obviously) abusive, controlling spouse. We didn't want to hurt her feelings about the mate she selected, nor say out loud that we felt discarded. Abusers systemically isolate their victims. Because of the abuse of power n the imbalance of that, marriage counseling is not done-only individual counseling. Please reconsider looking for assistance from domestic violence agency. They r supportive beyond belief-just there for U, in the best way, not trying to change u, just supporting u as u process these tough emotions (u r doing this anyway, w little support) n they help u stay SAFE. please? Our concern for u is genuine. So proud of the progress u r making. Wish we could be MORE there for you. I am happy you have reconnected w family n friends-good for you! Are u totally proud of yourself?? We are!! Keep up the good work. Loved Chi's long list in her hug to you-great list chi!!. And ohg, THANK YOU for the more regular contact, glad things r looking up for you, hugs, prayers n house sales charma coming north to you, kimbee
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It appears you have found your True Bliss with your children & grandchildren! They are the ones that really need you and have their whole wonderful lives ahead of them, with YOU. Wonderful YOU, making memories, traditions and happiness that they will carry in their hearts forever. If sister in law wants her Mom, just back out, let her enjoy the time they will have together. You have a life, a plan and a future that does not include the selfish, cold husband, MIL, and his family. As JudymW says, "I'm so glad you got away."
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Wow, Ohio, it seems like your life would be so full if you weren't in your current situation. I don't mean that nastily, but you've got so much outside of that house with your husband. The days you spend with your family sound idyllic. I'm so glad you got away.
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It didn't take long at all for mother-in-law to end up in hospital, thanks to my husband's sister. She simply can't take care of her. Last week, after my MIL was admitted into hospital with 225 over 109 blood pressure, not being able to stand on her own or walk, they waited 2 days before letting us know. Nice, huh?
MIL was admitted Tuesday of last week and still there. Blood Pressure is all over the place, but at least not in the 200s anymore. Then they found out her enzymes are low, so she is getting iv treatment and injections. We have been over there to see her, but the sister never leaves MIL's side, like we are going to do something? Whatever.
She's still in hospital today, looking pretty good though. Our guardianship court date was moved to Oct 9th. Sister vs Brother - who is going to win?
Anyone's guess. I just wish I knew where this was all going to end up. Tired of the waiting and games his sister plays. She has totally convinced my MIL that we are out to get her. We are greedy. She is better off staying with daughter, not us.
Ok, ranting now - so I stop.
Thanks to everyone, keeping me positive. Since I don't have MIL to care for, and she was in the hospital in good hands, I went to the other side of the state to visit my children. I was able to see my granddaughter perform in the band for halftime (football game), share my youngest grandson's birthday (turned 6) plus I stayed another day with him, went horseback riding, out to eat, pumpkin picking from garden, shopping for the perfect birthday present, then was able to see granddaughter again, before the homecoming dance. So much fun. I needed that. To be with them, out of here.
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OhioGal08,

Yep--we might have walked some similar paths alright!

I have had what some might call "have an interesting life" curse placed on me long ago--perhaps, that was the dysfunctional programming blessed upon us kids by Mom...who is still perpetrating and manipulating--only now, in a different sibling's house. Hard to get clear of.
And had some education along the way too, to help with all that experience in "interesting life".

Unbalanced people can really mess us up, if we do not understand how we got into the mess, and what they are about, and what ourselves are about.

Keep working at your life, recreating your beautiful self, reconstructing and helping yourself "rise from the ashes", to join the other phoenix birds rising!

Baby steps, yes. They get easier as time and practice allow.

BTW--I was trying to be as charitable as possible in the descriptions of what his motivations might be ;-P...not necessarily that that part matched him.
But that description might help someone else later.

People who treat others badly, are very broken and hurting inside themselves--usually, totally unable to admit it.
HOW they act-out, and whether they are at any time willing to accept, acknowledge, and try to correct, their own messes, will determine whether their partner will be able, if at all, to work at fixing the relationship.

I like to keep bridges intact, if at all possible.
Sometimes, there is nothing for it but to burn that bridge, though.

{{{hugs!}}}
Keep us posted!
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Ohio, it sounds like your husband has been using you. Mine used me, too, and it really hurt to figure out that I had wasted 13 years of my life on him. When I left, I left with nothing. I hope that you will get out soon and ask for alimony while you rebuild. You took care of his mother for a long time. Now it is his time to pay the caregiver. You go, honey.
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Ohio.. about your mom's vision - My friend's mom lost most of her vision from macular degeneration. Its too late for me to call the east coast and ask where she got help from, but she got something to magnify her newspapers and books, and I'm sure your mom could use something like that to enjoy the things she loved to do, like quilting. I'll call tomorrow and post back. Does anyone here know about services and products? I think National Federation for the Blind has a product page on their website.
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