Staying at home or going to a memory care facility.

Well, Julia, I think you are right. If she needs 24/7 care she needs people working in shifts to provide it. If she can afford that in her own home, more power to her! But no fair expecting one person, no matter how much that person loves her, to provide around-the-clock care. It would be very hard for you to coordinate such care a couple states away, but it probably could be done.

If Mother cannot afford to pay three shifts of caregivers seven days a week, then she needs the more affordable (but still expensive) option of a care center. Depending on what kind of dementia she has and what her symptoms are it may not have to be a "memory care" place.

Since a lot of advocating is necessary, it would be best to have this near you. And visiting your mother as a loving daughter instead of her hands-on caregiver may help restore your relationship.

So, you are right. But why would she want to move if you are there to care for her? Have you moved in with her? If not, how often do you visit? Can you explain your situation a little more?

Julia, you don't say how old your mom is or if she has other medical conditions. I can only relate my family's story to you, which is that we moved Mom to a nice Indepedendent Llving community near where she used to live, about an hour from two of her children. Well, she had a stroke after about a year, and in the hour that it took my brother and me to get to the hospital, an awful lot of mistakes got made. We sat down and agreed that it was time to move Mom 10 minutes from one of us, so that in the next emergency, someone would be able to get there immediately, and someone would always be able to stop by and keep and eye on things. She's now in a NH 10 minutes from where POA brother lives. SIL, who is a saint and who takes care of all the financials, drops by at least twice a week on her way home from work to chat. I'm 90 minutes away by car and go up to see mom once a week. Youngest brother is 5 hours by car, but he calls her and sends cards. It's working out with a few bumps. Do you have POA for your mom?

When my mother lived at home, everything was an emergency; reports of a possible rain storm threw her into a tizzy of anxiety, raising her BP. My brother was killing himself responding to these "emergencies", doing repairs to her house while maintaining his own. We tried in home aides, but they made Mom nervous; she felt like she had to entertain them. She had a whole bunch of preconceived notions about Ind and Assisted Living (none of them true) which she repeated to us like mantras. We didn't give her a choice. I said "Mom, this is going to kill Paul. Do you want that?"

Julia; this is going to kill you, or at least shorten your life expectancy, if you try to care for your mom on your own. Read some of the stories on this board; my aunt passed away trying to care for my uncle with dementia (he lived quite happily in a memory unit for several more years). Somehow, our loved ones (and at times we) think that we are the only POSSIBLE way for our elder to get good care. It's simply not true. Elders are resistant to change and we're used to our parents telling us what's best. In the end, you have to balance what's REALLY best for mom and what's FEASIBLE for you.

And take heart. While Mom may kick and scream and moan, even after she's in the best AL or memory unit you can find, she will be happy when you're not there. She'll socialize, she'll take classes, she'll gossip and complain with the other ladies about how slow the waiters are and how badly the string beans are cooked. Good luck and post back!

Thank you for your support and words of wisdom, Jeanne and ba8alou!
Mom is 90, soon to be 91 in Sept. She does have A-fib and is frail at times, but mighty!!! Oh boy!
I do have the luxury of having caregivers coming 3 times a week...thankfully. We can get 24/7 care for less than a year and than the funds would run out!

If I leave her here in a facility, I won't be here, her dog can't come and visit, doctors visits, etc. I feel like I need to be there to oversee her care as an advocate. In all honesty there is this little girl, daughter, that would not cross her mom's wishes and I am 64 years old!
What I think I will do is go up to WA. soon, check on the care facilities a bit more, in the meantime she will have 24/7 care here, return for her birthday in Sept. and see if she is more in a mindset for changes. If not I may have to do some tough love,
Again, I am open for ideas.
Thank you! Julia

Julia there comes a time where our elderly parents simply don't/can't make the decisions in their best interests. My mom, who seems very clear if you talk to her (she's 94) has virtually no short-term memory. She did ok with meds because it was a habit for her. But then (despite her daily assurances to me that she was taking them) I discovered she hadn't taken her coumadin blood thinner for three days straight.

I had wanted to get people in to give her meds for months (she lives in independent living) but I honored her wishes to let her do it her way. As a result, she has ischemic limb, which means we spent 4 hours in the ER and then made a trip to the vascular surgeon. She's got a spot on one toe that isn't healing, because she probably developed clots in her leg from not taking the coumadin as prescribed.

At that point, I overrode her wishes (I have medical POA) and got it set up for her meds to be administered 2X a day. And she's fine with it. But she fought me until I said enough is enough. She fights me on just about everything, but once whatever change is instituted, she's just fine with it. I suppose she's trying to maintain her feeling of independence, and that's OK until it threatens her health - which then impacts ME as her caregiver. That's when I step in. And you should probably too. With dementia, your mom simply isn't going to be able to make good decisions for herself, so you have to step in to be her advocate.

i cant comment on the need for a care facility as my mom only lived for 1 year after heart attack and official dementia diagnosis . she remained at home with family and hospice help .
ill venture a comment on the reversal of roles . that doesnt have to happen . my mom made every decision in her household right up till she was hit with morphine . id weigh her options with her but she was in control as far as her and i were concerned . i think thats so important that i intend to look into the possibility of a poa who can NEVER override my decisions , lest i be declared incompetant . my aunt is living that nightmare right now of a dullard poa telling her what she does and doesnt need .
im not implying that youre doing this , just sharing my thoughts on this important subject .
my mom had a springing poa . if she was flat on her back i had poa , if she could physically get to the bank , poa was pulled back . it was a brilliant move on her part . she was a brilliant person ..

sorry , i just read blannies post . mine seems to contradict it . of course you take control if things get dangerous but if your subtle enough about it , the elder can retain theyre independance to a great degree ..
helping my aunt now . its pretty much the same way . i dont tell her what she needs or dont need . im catering to her wishes . she'll tell anyone who cares to hear it that she " just feels safe with me " . i know it means she feels in control ..