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I’m 69 and retired in N. Calif. Lost my second husband (“B”) in 2001 from Stage 4 colon cancer (here with Hospice), been alone since. Now taking care of my first husband (72, Vietnam Combat Vet, divorced in 1994) since he was close to B and was devastated when he died. Both Vets. I was doing fine by myself in my own house since. Had to keep moving forward, which wasn’t easy without my beloved B. We only had 6 yrs together that were the best of my life.


Ex was the “go to” guy past 10 yrs until the pandemic/lockdown. His 2 brothers/sister all died 2011-2013, and his GF left. He bought a small condo 20 min. away, and was fine there for 10 yrs. In 2022, his HOA called me (as Emergency Contact) since they were evicting him for 5 months non-pymt? I went over and found him 3 ft. deep in trash, no running water and inhabitable conditions! He had stopped paying his bills (red flag)? It stunk so bad, I had him pack a bag, brought him here. Spent next 6 mos. cleaning/remodeling his condo to sell it. He hadn’t seen a doctor in 10 yrs, so I took him to VA Medical in between for a diagnosis. Something was very wrong! I first expected him here a month, until condo was cleaned up and he’d move back. It’s been 18 months. The VA was useless, every excuse in the book. Did CT Scan and I get a letter he’s Level 4 (“catastrophically disabled”)? The VA hinted at Agent Orange, but he doesn’t qualify for a service pension? He can bathe, eat and toilet himself, so no Aid & Attendance. I’ve tried the VA Social Workers, who are worthless. It was a big wakeup call.


He was a zombie first month here, until I got him into a routine, better food, got him cleaned up. Got DPOA before any diagnosis, to ensure my money spent to rescue him would be repaid. He started coming out of his fog in 6 months, yet still shows mild “cognitive decline” (memory loss, tantrums, unsafe to drive), so I sold his car. CT showed no brain tumor, Alz, Parkinsons, or aneurysm. Level 4 is basically a bone thrown to Vietnam vets, giving them 100% free medical. He’s not “catastrophically disabled” whatsoever.


My goal was to get him into a CalVet facility (AL) from the start. I sold the condo, stashed his cash in CDs. Applied and got him accepted into CalVet, yet more VA stalling/wait list over a year or more. Meanwhile, I’m the caregiver slave, quit my PT job, do all cooking, cleaning, laundry, appts, driving….he does nothing but watch TV or sleep. I have high blood pressure (DXd 2 yrs ago) that spikes from my frustration. He has a fit when I suggest he needs a shower (after 5 days). He shows no respect for his personal Savior, unless he wants something. Reminds me why I divorced him 20 yrs ago!


CalVet provides meals, snacks, room/bathroom, activities, transportation, baseball field, bowling alley, pool, 1200 seat theater, PX, barbershop, BBQs and more in scenic Wine Country (1 hr from me) on 200 acres. Perfect for him to live out what’s left of his life. He cannot live alone anymore and knows it. He also knows his vacation here the past 18 months is ending soon.


I didn’t divorce him 29 yrs ago to be his 24/7 caregiver now. I’m trying to stay cool and calm, patiently waiting to get my normal life back.



I got smart in Dec. 2022, enrolled him in a civilian Medicare Advantage Plan, so he has double coverage. His civilian medical team is amazing! Tests ordered and done in days, instead of months. The VA is BS and false promises. I’ve argued with these useless Drs. using my classic line, “Excuse me? In 1970, it was Vietnam or JAIL…and this is the best you can do?” I grew up in the military, I grew up in the military, I’m a Colonel’s daughter, determined and resourceful. Someone had to step in and fix the mess. He had nobody.


I don’t deal with my own few toxic family members left, so will make sure I have a Plan in place for myself. Thank God I found this website and have learned so much.


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Dawn,

Wow! What a story. First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It’s heartbreaking that you didn’t get to spend more time together.

I am thoroughly impressed with your organizational skills, empathy and sincerity in trying to find solutions for your ex husband’s needs.

I’m sure that this is extremely difficult for you. I wish that he would show more consideration and gratitude for all that you are doing.

It is extremely unfortunate that you didn’t receive help from the military. I’m very sorry this has been such a challenging situation.

Let me say that I feel that you have done your tour of duty with this situation.

Like you, I have respect and compassion for vets. My father served in WW11. I cried when I toured our WW11 museum in our city (New Orleans.) It’s very moving.

I also cried when I saw the Vietnam memorial in D. C. My brother was almost drafted at that time. He decided to enlist.

CalVet sounds more than adequate as a solution to this situation. Please tell him that this is what you feel is best for him and that you are going to resume your life on your own.

Take care of yourself. Remove this stress from your life. You deserve to live your life in peace.
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Both my parents are in Arlington. To see their graves is on my Bucket List, among other things...His civilian medical team knows what I'm going through and are powering forward, 2 younger women specialists (Internist and Endocrinologist) more determined than me, after the VA wasted a year of my valuable time. CalVet demands a Neuropsych Evaluation, yet the VA Medical "doesn't do those here." Seriously? So, I switched facility locations last week, with an ice cold response.
I quickly learned the Dept. of Veterans Affairs (Federal) and Cal Vet (California) speak 2 different languages!
I still cry every Memorial Day, especially for missing B.
Thank you for such a beautiful response.
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You’re very welcome, Dawn.

I feel for you and the veterans who are struggling with their physical and emotional health.

They have bravely served their country and certainly deserve better care.

My nephew has served in the Middle East several times. He has struggled with PTSD. I am grateful that he has a lovely wife who has supported him through his difficult time of transitioning back into civilian life.

“B” sounds like a wonderful man. I have no doubt that he will always hold a special place in your heart.

I hope that you get to see your parents grave soon.
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Dawn, ignoring the shortcomings of all the government services, WHY did you pick up divorced husband H1. If you did it to ‘honor’ H2, sure, a little help is understandable. But WHY did you stay on the hook, on and on and on.You must know that while there is a functioning administering angel (you), his needs drop of the ‘urgent’ list for everyone else. Perhaps you need counseling to help you understand WHY you are doing this. There are many many worthy ex-service people, you can’t feel obliged just because he is one of them. Also find a counselor knowledgeable enough to talk you through what is likely to happen if you just walk away from your sense of ‘obligation’.

If necessary take him down to a homeless shelter, or serve him with an eviction notice. Get out of this crazy situation.
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