Its been over a year I see......
Dad is still with us - some things have changed some haven't.
Haven't spoken to my brother for a few years now and don't intend to. Wife hasn't spoken to Dad for about the same length of time.
I did have a discussion with him and pointed out that it was up to her and, considering what both my brother and him had done, I could see her point. He moaned but hard luck.
Hes not seen my kids for at least 3 years now. Not interested.
I visit once a week, do his shopping as usual. He never changes. Its all a scam to get me to visit - he deliberately runs out of food so I have to visit.
Hes got worse with a few things. Won't spent a penny - hes just so tight fisted. Got thousands in the bank but wont spend any to help himself.
Health wise hes pretty good. But not in his head - hes been warned off by his GP and the ambulance service AGAIN for misuse. Doesnt care.
I saw him Tuesday - he'd bumped his knee and it was a bit sore. Not that bad he was still mobile. Yesterday, and I could see it coming, hospital visit, everyone gather around.
I ignore it now. He doesn't like it but its happened so many times I'm not interested to be honest.
I hope I never get like him ever to be honest. Hes constantly miserable and anxious but refuses to talk to his GP.
I constantly feel like I'm in the middle and Dad is pulling me towards him - he needs to be number 1 priority. Not happening but its difficult.
Wife works shifts still and shes away this weekend. He wants me to speak to her to cancel work and her time away so I can go visit him!
After the way hes treated her Im not even going there!
Myself and wife never got Covid. My 18 yr old did but he wasnt really ill.
As you can see, Dad is still the same if not worse.....
Despite your Father's endless mission creep, sounds like things are ok. Good to hear.
There was a poster a while back with a similar type of Mother. Like a magnet - kept trying to pull her 'chosen helper' in closer & closer in that suffocating dependent way. I believe that lady is keeping to her boundaries too (despite the pull) & that Mother still in AL or even now Memory Care.
Stay strong. Like Hodor holding the door. (GOT fans anyone?)
Looks like things are plodding along.😊Just keep doing what your doing. Glad you'll be coming across the Pond. My DHs cousins are suppose to be here from Wales sometime this month. They stay with DHs Aunt in Florida so pretty sure Disney is on their list of things to do.
Thanks for the update.
Dad is getting a bit worse. More stubborn and more tight-fisted if I'm honest. Of course, the older you get the more things wear out. Hes just not interested in thinking ahead and looking after himself.
He can hardly hear now. Here in the UK, you can get a basic hearing aid for free. But Dads' aid is 20 years old and not up to the job any more. Trying to get him to pay for a decent one - nope! Hes got £1000s but wont spend it.
I've now refused to do things for him on the phone now. He had the nerve to say "Can you phone xyz for me, because I can't hear on the phone?" EXACTLY Dad - get a flipping hearing aid!!!
The more you do for Dad the less effort he makes himself to be honest....
Yeah, I can see that things are about the same but worse.
Are you going to Florida this summer for vacation? How's your wife's mom?
BUT because he's got a doc like a hawk and a wife who is a retired IQ point counter, he's gotten a neuropsych exam. And bingo, his executive functioning--ability to see the big picture, plan, prioritize, use money wisely--is out of commission.
I doubt anyone else notices this.
This is what I have to put up with from relatives. I spoke to Dad last night, hes no worse than he's been ever he just lays it on so thick with everyone.
Ultimately, I've got kids to look after - I can't just leave them in the house on their own. Why does no-one get this?
Best to leave it to him to tell "them" his inabilities.
Beware, however, that he might overstate the extent to which you are willing to help.
Been there before. Last time he cancelled the home visits after a week. He wanted them there at 9am every day (of course theres got to be a "window" - it was 730am-10am - not everyone can have 9am) so he cancelled.
And he told them "Oh my sons will look after me". Didn't ask me of course....
Whereas with us he plays it up with them he will underplay it. Oh he'll deffo tell them I've agreed (Ive told him no way to say that but he'll ignore me).
Hes also got this weird idea that he wouldnt want any of his friends to find out. Its a weird macho thing I think and a source of shame that "you can't cope". It does my head in.
This is also the reason for his "sons will do it" thing. In his world, its not ok to admit that you're sons/daugters cant help - its considered shameful.
Trouble is nothing will make him happy. He'll moan he doesnt want strangers in the house. He'll moan that the doctors haven't "fixed his knee" yet (yep he thinks doctors can do anything even reverse old age I think!).
The only thing that would make him happy is if I said, Dad I'll move in with you and look after you. I realised that years ago - he knows the hassle hes caused with my marriage in the past (thats a long story but his behaviour was shameful) but he doesn't care.
He'll also bring up the old "well I looked after you when you were a kid so its you're turn now". All well and good but who looks after my kids when I'm looking after him?
Don't worry I intend to stay far out of this....
What he wants:-
1. Doctors to do their job and fix his old age.
2. His sons to put him first above everyone else, and no matter what the reason, come running when he wants them to.
3. Not to spend any money at all.
There are two types of folks you can't reason with:
1. Those who are so totally self-involved they can't see (or care about) anyone else's needs
2. Those with dementia.
It seems like tour dad has ALWAYS been a selfish manipulator, so no change there.
Maybe some cognitive changes too, but it doesn't really seem to matter much.
Just keep saying "no, dad, I can't possibly do that".
No reasons, no engagement. Just "no". Leave if he whines.
They basically implied that his behaviour was not uncommon in some older people and was all self-involvement.
My mom's long time internist (that's what we call GPs here in the States) declared that mom was " FINE". She was, on the surface.
Got her to a geriatric psychiatrist who insisted (to me--because there's always something for US to do, right?) that I get mom cognitive testing. She had the reasoning ability of a 5 year old.
BUT dad's always been thoughtless, right? No need to go further than that. Like most folks who are elderly, he's just more so than his usual self.
Who does ABC for you? Oh, my family. (In reality: family have said no).
Do you cook? Oh yes. What sort of meals? Oh everything. (In reality: can re-heat only or lives on toast)
Do you go out? Oh yes, all the time. (Reality: housebound as cannot get to the shops, relies on all & sundry for rides).
Oh yes. With a good air of confidence, executive functioning problems can be smoothed over quite well for quite a time.
Oh I'm FINE.
I'll manage.
I'll figure it out. Don't you worry. I've got plenty of family, friends, neighbours to help.
Social Services must have thousands like this on their books. On one hand it's sad.
On the other, they are living as they wish. In their homes *as long as possible*.
The big test will be if he can get himself home after a hospital stay...
Yeh I think Dad has always been like this as long as I can remember just getting worse and worse as he gets older.
Another thing with Dad that I don't get. Im sure its a macho thing from the area where I'm from (very working class, blue collar, industrial). He wont tell his friends hes getting home help - he won't want to admit that hes getting help because its a weakness. Pathetic really....
On the other hand, it seems to be a source of pride to be able to say "Oh my son comes over every night after work to look after me". This is partly where Dad gets it from I'm sure.
How screwed up is that?
"What about brother?" (who I know works 30 mins away, and sure works early, finishes 230pm anyway).
"Oh no hes working he'll lose money if he takes time off" (Not sure what he thinks it is for me!)
"So am I"
"Yes but you're at home"
Back to office job/manual job not proper job again....
Having a family contact to verify a situation can be of use.
I've been on both sides. Been present to explain what I was prepared to do. Rather than a box called *substantial family support* being ticked in error. Wait.. you work? Don't live here? I see..
I've also had 'assumptions' made that I was willing & able to do all sorts of things.. without being actually asked. This is easily cleared up with a phone call later. (Must happen a lot).
I used to take time off for such things. To ensure acuracy. Not now. I just don't do what I said I won't.
Up to you to take off half a day & travel for it or not. Usefully? Or a waste of time - I don't know!! Not sure what stage of "I said No" you are up to.
Not only do I not get paid if I don't work but it would be difficult to drop on my client at the last minute. Not that they'd have an issue with a genuine emergency but I think I'd better save those!
Another question from the past...have you been in contact with your mom at all?
They did tell Dad that probably he'd have to pay for carers. Thats the end of that one then.
He could be on his deathbed but wont want to spend any money.
I do feel a bit sorry for her mind - having to be married to Dad for all those years....
He gets a lot. Yes he does get some sort of disability payment. Not sure what its called now.
He has TONS of income. This is why his savings are going up and up because he saves it.