Has anyone just lost the "lust for life"?

Yup.

Can I first say that it should be moms money that's paying for her care, not yours? You will need yours for when you get older.
Then I will ask, why do you feel that you have to be the one to care for your mother, and give up your life and happiness? You know darn well that your mother would not want you jeopardizing your mental and physical health because of her.
We only get one go round in this life and it's up to us as to what we will make of it. Your mother could be placed in a nice facility, where she would have trained professionals caring for her, and you could get back to just being her daughter, while having time to do things that you enjoy.
And if mom doesn't have a lot of money, you can apply for Medicaid for her.
I hope and pray that you are talking to a counselor/therapist, and if needed are on an antidepressant. You are worth it! God bless you.

Thanks! She is paying for her care and I am still working. She's not ready for placement yet. Just the whole process is depressing.

I forgot about that song! And Iggy, bless is heart, is still rockin' on I think.

You have a lot to look forward to! Find it and pursue something that makes you happier!

Does your mom live with you? Does she stay by herself OK while you're at work? Do you enjoy your work?

So sorry your dad passed. And Parkinson's is definitely a tough way to go. My uncle had it too. Yuck.

Work on keeping yourself young! Stay active. Get some hobbies. Improve your health if it's in need of it. If you think you're going to have to go it alone as you get older, try to simplify your life and live in a place that is easy to live where you don't have to do a lot of extra chores. Join a club. Travel. Do things you enjoy.

Make sure you are getting some relief from caring for your mom. Working and taking care of her doesn't leave an awful lot of ME time. You deserve some time to do something fun or relaxing or interesting, etc. Get a part time caregiver or put her somewhere for a couple of weeks of respite care so you can get away.

Put you first.

Venting is good. It can be very helpful and maybe one of us will say something that will help you feel a little better!

Dear Tynagh,

I hear you. I think many of us feel that way when we see how fast the time goes. Being a caregiver makes us more aware of our own health and future. It's very hard. I'm in the same boat and I am looking for something. I hope you'll do a little self care and use a lot of self compassion to find that next something that will spark your zest for life.

Tynagh,

65 is the new 50 and old age is a long way away from that. You've still got plenty of living to do. Good living, not elderly assisted living.
I know exactly how you feel. In all honesty being a caregiver to an elderly person can just sap the life right out of someone and don't I know it.
You say that there's no significant other in your life and in your profile you say that you do have some support from your cousins.
You can work with that.
Here's how you can regain the lust for life and get your groove back.
Find a lover. Get together for a French lunch in the afternoon. I'm sure one of your cousins will stay with your mother for a few hours during the day. Or maybe hire a homecare aide a few hours a week. Believe me, you will then find a lot to look forward to.
Then take yourself a vacation. You're still working so put a bit of money aside and do it. Your mother can go into respite care temporarily. Or a respite caregiver can come and stay at your house with your mother so she won't have to go to a nursing home.
What places have you always wanted to visit but for one reason or another you've put off going to them? Pick one and go. You deserve to and you need to.
Give yourself this gift. No one's entire life can just be work or the day in and day out drudgery of caregiving.

funkygrandma,

You know, that's what people always think. That they have to pinch the pennies and save for their own care when they become elderly.
For what? A lifetime of careful saving and good financial decisions so it can all go up in smoke in no time because it gets handed over to a nursing home at some point? If a person lives to be elderly enough, chances are they end up in a care facility. Their money gets burned up quick, and for a lifetime of hard work and saving, they end up on Medicaid and die beggared and dependent on the state.
I say spend it while you're young enough and healthy enough to enjoy it.

Iggy!!! He was/is the coolest. I was watching some of his utube vids a few weeks ago. Good music is a real mood booster for me, albeit temporary, but I will take what I can get. He's in his 70's and still performs. I wonder what his mental status is, given his history of heroin/coke addiction and pysch disorders. (sorry, I digressed a bit)

Tynagh,
I get this. I'm the only person in my mum's life. Her other children cut off contact with her (and me), and kept her grandchildren away as well. I am alone, never had a close extended family - which doesn't matter as they've all died. Friends moved on - death or desertion, or just too busy with their own stuff. Plus my own problems, many of them health/age-related. The bleakness of this often has me exhausted with no passion for anything. I take it day to day. The phrase "baby steps" is something of a mantra for me. Small tasks make me feel accomplished and give me momentum. Can you make lists of things that once sparked joy in you? I have lists of all the things that I liked, loved, bucket lists, etc. Some of it works out - the herb garden. Some of it is not going to happen in the near future i.e. surfing lessons. There are some great suggestions in the responses. A therapist, a lover, a trip you've always wanted to take, a day spa visit. . . . Be kind to yourself, treat yourself, indulge yourself. And then come back to the forum and share the details! xoxo

Awe, I'm with you in spirit. My husband has just been diagnosed. We are just 61. My life feels as if it's over too. Knowing the dark tunnel ahead is too much to bear some days. Getting a counselor and going out with a friend on occasion will be a great emotional relief! I agree with much of the responses, take care of your self so you have the stamina and courage to forge ahead. We are all in this journey together. Prayer and reading God's word is a tremendous blessing and comfort to me.
Hugs from afar,
Patti

I don't usually make comments, but our circumstances are so similar. I'm an only child and went through the same thing. I was 67 when my mom died, just a few weeks before turning 90. I took care of her for 4 years and sometimes felt exactly as you describe. I would just shake myself and tell myself I was thinking selfishly, but I wondered if I had any life left. I leaned hard into Jesus and wept on his shoulder many times. He was near and I was so thankful!

Oh yes! I get what you feel. When my mom journey started 2 years ago I felt the “this will never end” and I would never return to my short lived retirement fun. My mom is 87. She has Lewy Body Dementia. She went to a Memory Care during the pandemic. Blind faith was required when I dropped her off. She had a full mental collapse…and now she is well enough for an assisted living. That does not take me off the hook. I moved myself to the same retirement community..gave up my condo..sold it and rented an apartment near mom. I am her everything. She depends on me. She is a lady that requires a lot of attention to stay mentally stable. What has changed is I got counseling..I learned how to balance this new world. I learned it is NOT my job to make her happy. It is my job to find a safe place, good food, warm room, and allow her to find friends where she lives..Sounds easy? Nope..it was hard..I cried many days. I worried a lot. Instead of bringing her home I found this great place and I rode out her unhappiness about not living at home. I now schedule my visits…3 per week. She knows when she will see me. I encourage my sibling to visit, even briefly on days I am not there. Sundays are a full day with church and my apartment for a lunch and chat. Two other days are 2 hr visits. My sibling finds this tiresome and he leaves town a lot to stay at his gal pals home. I am now happy, busy and having a personal life again. I advise counseling. I did mine online via Zoom. My insurance paid for it! Good luck.

I certainly felt that way. I had totally lost myself while caring for my husband with Alzheimer’s at home. When I finally realized that thinking “if I get Covid and die, I won’t have to do this anymore” was not a rational thought, I placed him in a residential home that cares for people with dementia.

At first the guilt was overwhelming. But I got thru that and six months later I am reconnecting with friends I haven’t seen in years, have rediscovered my creative energy and am back in my quilting room. I even read a book! First one in at least 4 yrs.

its hard to give up the hands on caregiving. We feel we can handle it, that it’ll work ok if we just get more organized, do a better job of entertaining them, adjust our attitude, etc., etc., etc. Now a wonderful staff takes care of his day-to-day needs. I call every morning and take him out 2-3 times a week. He’s no worse off and I have rejoined the living and reclaimed the person I used to be.

There are some great replies her, and testimonies! For some reason I can’t reply to people’s responses today. Patti2021, sorry for your new situation and god bless.

I hear you loud and clear. I am in a very similar situation. As strange as this may sound my only escape is to pursue my sexual fantasies. Yes they are all in my mind as I can not get away long enough to make them real. Still it helps reduce the stress of my realities. No one gets hurt here.

All highways have exits and side of cramps before you reach your destination. Take this info as an opportunity to put your glasses on and look around for help. Since Angels camp out along hell's byways step up and call on them, volunteers s strangers and a host of former church goers to keep doing good by helping you chart a new highway where love, understanding, new life goals exist. Realize also that your story and experience with a 93 year old may be a life rope to another...and a way to guarantee your future at the same juncture!

Yes, you do deserve a life too. You need to plan a course of action. Look at finances of yours and your mom. She may need a agency care giver periodically so you can get a break. See what local resources are available to help you and your care plan with your mom. You are not alone.

You are not alone in your thinking. Been there too after only a few months of caring for my 91 year old mother. I am 65 & not a spring chicken. Am looking forward to retirement but not planning to spend 24/7 taking care of my mother. Look for outside help - church, friends, community help. Start out with getting away an hour or so just for you
Believe me - it helps so much! I get away 1/2 day once a week. Hang in there....((HUGGZ))

My heart aches for you, Tynagh. Many of us are facing this same feeling, but we will get through this "Highway to Hell", as you so aptly call it. Keep coming to this forum to vent and find emotional support. Sending prayers and hugs!

I can understand. I’m an only child in a similar situation. The important thing is to not abandon yourself, your passions and your own life-identity. As only children it’s too easy to get enmeshed with our parents, it comes with the territory of having no other immediate family, so I get it. But please take my advice and always carve out time for you, even if it means waking up early, to do exercises or read a novel just for fun. Also, take time out for socials! Look up meetup in your area and find ways to meet new people, and don’t rule out romance, you may meet someone nice. Don’t allow age to get you down, it’s never too late to start over and set goals. If you can afford it, hire a nurse to stay with your mom for a few hours each week, just do you can do whatever you want. It seems that most of your life you’ve been giving and doing practical stuff, and all this seriousness can really take away a lust for life. That’s why I’m encouraging you to ditch the “shoulds” and give yourself this time to just be silly and hedonistic, you need and deserve it otherwise you will burn out. If it’s not possible to leave home then get creative with how you can entertain at home—arrange a part of your home so that one side is your “apartment” or cave and maybe organize your own meetup there. What are your hobbies? Do you have any dreams, goals or aspirations that you had to put on hold, because of caretaking? Can you revisit them? Be flexible. A dream may have to change its form, to suit your current situation, but let the passion ignite your fire. Play music! Create playlists on your smartphone or just go old school and play CDs and records (which are cool again). Get out your favourite clothes and just wear them around the house! Yes, that evening gown or cocktail dress counts. Just wear them on a Monday, to the grocery, the post office. Make everyone, including yourself, believe that you’re going somewhere! And you are. Fashion, along with makeup abs hairstyling, can literally wake up your soul and get you going. Eat your favorite food. Cook all your favorite dishes and get out your crystal silverware and celebrate life with mom. Don’t wait for a special occasion, the fact that you’re together is something to celebrate. Use the internet to get ideas. The public library, too, is a great place to create a book club, knitting club. The reference librarian can assist you with finding resources. I understand how easy it is to get isolated, especially during this time, but if you can use the time at home to talk more to neighbors and local businesses this will bring cheer to your day. After caretaking my mom and now my dad I had to learn how to bring my art sketchbooks and writing journals with me to the hospital. This daily habit of just sneaking in creative time lead to published stories and exhibitions. I encourage you to steal whatever time you can, for yourself. Julia Cameron’s excellent book “The Artist’s Way” can help you to re-discover your passions and dreams, with practical daily prompts and exercises. Also, use the power of the digital age to help you exercise. If you can’t commit to going to the gym or classes, you tube workouts are great.
good luck and please invest in yourself, you gave your whole life ahead of you and your parents will want you to enjoy it.

Venting is good ‼️That’s pretty much all we can do when we’re on this train ride of life💜My husband has dementia & I too am sometimes in a dark mood. Please know others share your pain💜💚💜💚

I retired early to help care for my parents. As their needs increased, so did my despair, so I know how you feel. Take steps now to make your life easier later. First, get all the legal work done by a qualified elder law attorney who can help set her up for Community Medicaid - a legal way to protect her assets and get long term care at home. Your Mom should have her Health Care Proxy, Will, and durable POA in place. Doing this now will save you anxiety & headaches later.
You don't say how her physical or mental health is and I hope she is well and not suffering. Things happen when you least expect it. My Mom was almost 99 and in pretty great shape until she tripped and fell. A week later she passed. I'm telling you this to let you know you can't predict the future, so don't dwell on it.
In the meantime, try your best to stay in touch with friends and do any small thing that brings you pleasure. If you can get someone to help, even if it's just for a couple of hours one day a week - do it. Contact your local Senior Centers and see what they offer. Any relief you get will take a bit of the load off your shoulders. Stay on this website, we care! I wish you all the best in your journey.

Wow I could have written your forum post! I am going through something similar. How am I coping? I take one day at a time. I make a list of daily goals. and long term goals. I thought that I needed counseling to cope with my grief and depression, but the psychologists are all booked, so I am treating myself. If you want to learn more follow me on this forum.

You are not alone, as you can tell from all the responses.

I am right there with you, caring at home for my 68yo husband (dementia, heart failure) and having concerns long-distance for my 90yo dad.

I can't be there for my dad because of my husband and I'm not sure who is going to outlive who.

I keep reminding myself that there is a future for me and there are things I always wanted to do that I hope I'm not too old to do when I finally have the opportunity. I guess that is what keeps me going, reminding myself that I still have a future to live.

Caregiving can be exhausting. Please ask for volunteer help from family, friends, members of your faith community... to help lighten your load. For paid help options, research home health agencies, adult day programs, and even residential facilities. Some of them may accept clients on Medicare or Medicaid.

Oh my dear, firstly, you are doing a great job! Remember that!

I am so sorry for your feelings of despair, I remember them all too well. I was caregiver for five years to my dear Mother who passed with dementia and Parkinson’s.

I had always been a working girl and then all the sudden my job is to stay home and take care of this dear woman. I did go into a depression. I wasn’t prepared for it, no one talks about it, we have no training or education in this area. It’s no wonder we struggle.

My dear mother has passed and I can only tell you looking back that it was one of the most difficult things I have done in my life, but I did it and I can say I am proud that I did it! I do have a sibling, but for some reason he went MIA the last five years of my mom‘s life.

This forum was a great source of stress release as I recall several times I would get on here and say “I just can’t do it anymore” and I would get responses, care from these wonderful people that were going through the same thing, and then I’d go onto the next day.

You can do this, you will do this. Try to take time for yourself even it’s a five minute daily walk. And come to this forum to vent, again I can promise you in the end, you will be so proud of the love, care, concern that you put forth into the care of your dear mother.

Big hugs and faith extended to you.❤️🌸

I love it! “The Highway to Hell!” I’ve been caring for Mom for 10 yrs. She’s in hospice for over 2 yrs. They are truly wonderful. But they’re not here 24/7. Mom has a few months left at the most. I can accept this. No more suffering. But to top it all off, my daughter just went to rehab for alcoholism and I am also caring for my teenage grandson and their dog! Running her household as if it is my own and then trying to run my own household too! I’ve hired help to clean my mother’s house and care for my mother’s yard etc. I will be doing this for the next 27 days - until my daughter gets out. I’m proud she did this. Don’t get me wrong. But I’ve been a one man band for so long, I don’t know a life without having to help others. I am just moving along so everything doesn’t come crashing down.

So yes. I do understand the lack of lust for life. I’m the only sibling left out of 3 and I also cared for them too towards the end. Dad too, even though he was in a NH for the last few months of his life.

I pray constantly to make it through another day and still be healthy. (But I have non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma - stage 3 b). I am still treating for this after over 4 yrs. Crazy life.

Get connected with a social worker and caregiving groups in your area so that you know all of your mother's options. You need to get help if possible. This is not something you can do completely on your own. Ask the social worker if your area provides caregivers who can take over so that you can have breaks, and even a vacation. Talk to your mother about her wishes, if she's ready to think about this. She actually may prefer being in a senior residence where she'll have more people around her.

Just wait until she dies. When my mom died I was left on my own and two years later I'm still struggling except at age 61 I get tired easier and carrying on with my own life is exceptionally difficult. Now I did manage to forge my own life, but it has been HARD! I don't know your financial situation but you will be left totally alone and the bills will keep on coming. You need to try to forge your own life, but the older you get, the more difficult it will be. You will have to battle things like age discrimination. The sad truth is--unless you have plenty of money, the older you get the less people will want you. If this sounds grim--it is. I'm not going to sugar coat we live in a very youth-oriented society. I look in the mirror and I really realized mom ate up my life caring for her but she also could not help having 15 years of Alzheimer's disease with insulin-dependent diabetes and the last 6 years of her life--required 24/7 even though for decades she needed supervision due to her many chronic diseases she managed to live 90 years, 3 months, and died with excellent skin. I never moved away from my mom. I never left my mom until she died. And I'm having to live on my own without her.

But some people live to be 100 and at age 93 she has a good chance of living more years. I would give my soul to Satan if I could have my mom back. She was my entire universe and I lost her forever...so enjoy having your mom while she lasts because when people die it is for all eternity. Never to be seen again. BUT just look at this sentence and see how SELFISH it is. With mom's multiple chronic diseases that would be cruel because mom died very very peacefully and never suffered and if she came back she would have to die all over again--life is in reality an ORDEAL and she's beyond that that nothing can ever hurt her. We face possible WW3 -- it is the living that represents suffering.

Right now you need to plan on her dying, get pre-arranged funeral/cremation, and estate planning so see an eldercare attorney. Trust me you will go through pure hell with a quagmire of paperwork and legal garbage -- DEATH IS EXPENSIVE and is pure business. If you depend on you mom financially you really will have a hard time because you have to get your ducks in a row and FIND A JOB FAST. At age 65...good luck with that.

MAKE SURE WHEN SHE DIES NOTHING GOES TO PROBATE.

While I suffer many fears in life..hey you only have one life to live...so live it -- but when she does die, for the first time in my life I also have a chance to live. I also realize I got so used to being tied to my mom I could not cope outside of that and for the first time that cage has been opened. So it is my first breath of life on my own.

Don't give up hope. I got married, have a job, and inching toward my Master's degree. So yeah...you will be okay!