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Cuz, where are you? Help!

not Trying to offend you but does she have memory loss or dementia

Remove all of your things. Keep them with you. Take them to the bathroom when you need them.

I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch, and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.


A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders
three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and
orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne
Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.When we
all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each
of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes
and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though..."

Our Needs Change As We Get Older,
A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains)

Well, I don't know, I'm not knowing how to act. I'm laughing too much about it. I'm sorry. I don't want that happening to me. I would be very ill from it.

Chat On A Plane


A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
The priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded,"Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied,
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said,

"Beats the sh** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Mechanic & Doctor

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.......

"Try doing it with the engine running.”


After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he embraced

and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised
eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays,
I fish."

I sometimes have to wonder, why are you so concerned about the food on your clothes that you pick and brush at, after I have seen your bathroom habits, etc.

The Truth ...

Wife "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"

Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the

Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"

Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the
Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the
Button. ...... On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with
a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of
course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the
Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to
three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then
she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our

She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in
her room....clothes are flying ......the talking stopped....and we proceeded
to have sex in every way imaginable.

It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says
5:30. ...... I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I
am. ............ There. You wanted the got it."

Wife - "Bull! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"

I like reading the jokes on here. I just saw a funny Facebook meme that said, "I'm not giving the kids a timeout, I'm giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner and being ignored sounds heavenly." Lol how many of us can relate??

Glad u like em cause that is why I try to post good ones to try to bring a little light to the darkness u gals r in. Hugs to all

Haven't talked to you in a long while Cuz.....that was a good one. Love your jokes since they give me a much needed laugh.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down......
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "Do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

I found my wife's BM in the bath tub today. No idea why she did her business there. Good excuse to clean the tub since she does not bathe in it, but I do.

Cuz- Squirells in church gave my husband a chuckle. Glad your bro. is doing ok. Thank you for the laughter.


Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely, I can't look that old? ((Class Reunions))

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my school class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man, with the deeply lined face, was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes”, he said. “I am a Mustang” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered “in 1967. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class”, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, then this ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, gray-haired, decrepit, SOB asked me

“What did you teach?”

Update on what is going on around here. My brother is in rehab now after being in hospital for over a week. He went in with bad gall bladder but his heart is to weak for surgery so they just stuck an IV tube into the gall bladder and drained it into a bag which he will have to wear until they think he might be able to withstand the surgery. He is doing ok but they had him off his pee pills for over 5 days so he blew up like a pig with all the water weight. 310#. He is back on the pills now and the weight is starting to drop but it will be a long process. Hugs to all.

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He waIked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."


The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

Glad I could lighten up your day. Hugs

LOL cuz that is a good one

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

Hope things are peachy with you Peachy. O.K. here, g gone two months do not miss him at all. Was too long time coming, too much...

Hey Bobbie, Cuz, Jsomebody & the rest of the Crew! Peach here, from way back in the thread. Wanted to check in & say HI! Update: Larry's been gone for almost a year...Feb. 13. Miss his like crazy! Hope all are well & Bobbie you're feeling better!!! Would love to catch up. Sent you a private message. Love & hugs to all!

Talked to my cousin Captain Bobbie tonight and she is doing good. She has been still trying to gain strength back from her bout with C-Diff. She has been real busy trying to catch up from being so sick but she still checks on the site when she has time. Hugs to all.

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom and Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"

Popping in to say hello. It has been a long time but I still think fondly of everyone here! Keep your spirits up and your hearts light, you are unsung everyday heroes. I saw Jsomebody and Bobbie is still here *waves* Love you guys, you kept me sane.

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