Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Cuz, the Lawn Mower story is the funniest thing that has ever been posted on this thread. It took me 5 minutes to read it because I was laughing so hard and I had to make a bathroom visit in the middle. The Cat even got up and left the room because of the noises coming out of me.
OK, I'm sorry that I was busy all day yesterday and was unable to ring in on the 'expert' issue. Selfish Siblings, I am sorry that you were admonished for what you wrote and hope you know that we understand your frustration.
I did take the time to look at the lady's website and saw this quote: "Where empathy meets credentials." Seriously? A little embarrassing to be sure. Credentials are only important to other people with credentials and therein lies the problem. It seems that her field of expertise is in bereavement counseling which is a world away from trying to figure out how to get deadbeat siblings to step up the to plate and take some responsibility. Since her website is linked to this one I can only further imagine that she is the one responsible for removing posts since she seems to be the 'expert' that is moderating that thread. I could be wrong... I'm wrong a lot... She has not the experience of our moderator, Carol, who has been a family caregiver and has truly walked the walk. The fact that posts were removed speaks to a possible insecurity because she knows this is not her field and because of the link it's hard to book those dynamic speaking engagements with disses posted all over the place.
My take is this: the lady has made a career out of her social work degree and truly cares about people. She has figured out how to position herself to be interviewed on CNN and is probably hoping to be one of their 'go to' interviews because of the paycheck. There is no harm in that at all and she can do some great service in the field of bereavement and grief counseling. The itch is, a degree in the social sciences does not an expert in all things caregiving make. So, to preserve the sanity of those of us still in the trenches and those of us out of the trenches and dealing with the Post Traumatic Stress that follows 24/7/365 FAMILY caregiving (and there is a GREAT difference in a paid caregiver and a family caregiver, make no mistake) just blow it off. Shine it on, screw it and get on with your day. Perhaps she will learn from some of us and perhaps she won't but if we keep the door open we provide another 'expert' with more tools to help the world of caregiving, family or otherwise. As far as a word to the 'alphabet soup experts' who go work days and go home every evening to their lives that they are running as they please, use your backgrounds to provide real help and understand that the caregivers who post on this website are doing what you yourself cannot do, have chosen not to do, have not had the opportunity to do.. fill in the blank for your particular circumstance.
These people posting on this site are under enough stress to make a 25 year vet of Air Traffic Control look like he's interning at a Meditation workshop. How fragile an ego must be to remove the posts of a person suffering from the isolation of family caregiving and who is reaching out for help. Let them vent, learn from them and if that particular thread isn't your bailiwick, find one that is.
Love all you guys more than you'll ever know. lovbob
-- An old country preacher.....had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible.....?
2. A silver dollar.....?
3. A bottle of whiskey.....?
4. And a Playboy magazine.....?
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a Blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a Skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that ******before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling Another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to The waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, Leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this,.... CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny.....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire .... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4 - My left eye will not open. 5 - My right eye will not close. 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Deef - I want pool time!!!! I have been trying to keep up here but by the time I get done reading, I don't have time to write. I truly thought things would slow down after the wedding was done - my daughter's wedding was beautiful and perfect by the way! She was an absolutely stunning bride!! But life goes on and I had to make the decision to go against the recommendation of the hospice nurse to have 24 hour caregivers here. Dad fell about 3 1/2 weeks ago, broke ribs, got pneumonia, came home in pain and weak and the hospice nurse said he couldn't be alone. With needing to be there for my daughter, working, etc, I had no choice but to go with their recommendation. So in the midst of wedding plans, I was interviewing caregiver agencies and trying to schedule caregivers, meeting with them and explaining his care needs. Do you think my sister or brother could step in? No, they were "busy"!!! OMG. Sometimes I really hate them. Anyway, I decided at the end of last week that if my dad doesn't have much time left, is it fair to him that he is absolutely miserable having someone around 24 hours a day. Of course part of the problem was they kept sending people who didn't speak very good English. The last one was from West Africa and one night my dad asked me why she kept asking him if he wanted a muffin. It took me a few minutes to realize when she asked if he wanted morphine, he thought she was saying muffin because of her accent. So now that his pain is less and I was able to get him off the morphine (or muffin as Margaret would say) and onto his usual pain pills, I now have scheduled part time caregivers to come for short times while I'm at work. He seems much happier with that situation so I'll see how it goes. Of course, now sis is on vacation. Really??? WHO needs a vacation???? Sorry, ranting again. But I do want all of you to know that whether or not I write, I include ALL of you in my nightly prayers. I figure it can't hurt and truly hope it helps to give us the strength to get through another day, whether it be while still providing care or while trying to restructure our life after caregiving! Love and hugs - Kuli
Christina, that's very good. My ex went to Machu Picchu and Cuzco, too. He didn't want to leave those places anymore. I want to go to the Andes, too. Strange things happen there!
I have learned to keep my mouth shut on certain subject matters. Haha I don't have enough energy in the humidity and heat to spend on giving advice today. I need a humidity pill, rather than a chill pill to keep me out of trouble. Rosella, our caregiver comes at 10 am and stays until 8 pm. Sometimes a little later if we go out one night. I have watched Mother around the clock but after 48 hours, I am ready to be one of the missing persons on "48 Hours". Leave no clues, tell no lies. Haha. Yes, I'm ready for my archaeology classes again. Went to Machu Picchu and Cuzco 3 years ago, want to do some digging. Love, an expert-- not. Heehee Christina
Christina: Caregiver full time: YES! Horticulture class: YES! Creative writing: YES! Anthropology: YES! SS: I went to that thread, of course. I am sorry I have missed your post and Austin's post. I don't know if I will be deleted. I am still laughing!!!!
Who little ole me causing trouble-last year when I turned 70 I said to my best friend in her 80's I guess I need to start acting like a grown-up she said why? I asked her again yesterday when I took her one of my projects and she said I still do not have to act like a grown-up, I am having more fun then when I told the late husband off and actually left him speechless-by the way I reposted my thought OBMAJ have wanted to say that for a long time.
Maxine!!! - These monitors are brutal. Saw ur post that they REMOVED ur post! Thanks for jumping on the bandwagon and calling out the so-called experts. Yes, Carol is one of the good ones. God bless her, you, and all of us caregivers!!
Hi guys I posted over there also-I am sure they removed my post I asked Julie Siri what her expertise was in and said her advice sounded like social work 101 -do you think she will respond if they did not remove my post-Carol use to really get involved when I was a newbie and was supportive to most of us by she had done the sweat work of caregiving herself so she knew how hard it was-going to check if my post was removed-this is fun. Maxine
ah done helpin hubby loadin the truck up . bobbie ! lickin ur butt was it good ? lol i still grin and smile about that . pa s doing fine , layin in bed all day . coughin way too much , gave him breathin treatment and he scream to get it off him ! so i did . cough s when he eats , cough when he drinks , then my chest is rattling i thought oh great now i got em too . think its from begin outside and back inside , pollen is high too , farmers are out there hackin and bailin hays ,straws ,. flowers are wilting from the hot sun . man now i feel like a nappy poo . somebody ask me where i get so much enegry to do this and that . wish i have a extra enegry to dust and clean out my closet and throw away bunch stuff i dont need . nah its nap time , i hope if pa dont start yellin . always my luck , lay down catch one or 2 zz then bam gotta get up . i hate that feeling , makes me wanna cry inside . he slept allnight long , i jumped up this mornin and went to ck on him yep he s bretahing still , whew . thank u lord for a beautiful morning ! xoxo
Thanks, all. Knew you'd be there for me. I can let this go now and get on with my day. Too bad the experts had to derail me. hee, hee......I'm better now. :) Christina, Linda, Bobbie, Miz, Pirate, Naeton, Deef, Rossella, my italian friend, and all others!!! xoxoxo!!! - SS
Hey cybergirls and boys. Helen here briefly taking a day off from new job and wanted to give you guys and gals hugs. Probate on June 20 went fine. With regards to experts on how to get others involved in caregiving - HAHA. If they were willing to help, you would not need to email them!! You just have to decide what you can do, help the person that you are caregiving for, and decide when to place them outside your home orbit. The ones who think it's terrible that you are putting Nana in a home are usually the ones that didn't take her when she was compos in the first place, much less now. My two cents. Hugs to all who are still on this road, and I just tell people to go mow their lawn like my brother the day of my mother's surgery. Can't teach those who don't want to learn. Helen
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Cuz, the Lawn Mower story is the funniest thing that has ever been posted on this thread. It took me 5 minutes to read it because I was laughing so hard and I had to make a bathroom visit in the middle. The Cat even got up and left the room because of the noises coming out of me.
OK, I'm sorry that I was busy all day yesterday and was unable to ring in on the 'expert' issue. Selfish Siblings, I am sorry that you were admonished for what you wrote and hope you know that we understand your frustration.
I did take the time to look at the lady's website and saw this quote:
"Where empathy meets credentials."
Seriously? A little embarrassing to be sure.
Credentials are only important to other people with credentials and therein lies the problem. It seems that her field of expertise is in bereavement counseling which is a world away from trying to figure out how to get deadbeat siblings to step up the to plate and take some responsibility.
Since her website is linked to this one I can only further imagine that she is the one responsible for removing posts since she seems to be the 'expert' that is moderating that thread. I could be wrong... I'm wrong a lot... She has not the experience of our moderator, Carol, who has been a family caregiver and has truly walked the walk.
The fact that posts were removed speaks to a possible insecurity because she knows this is not her field and because of the link it's hard to book those dynamic speaking engagements with disses posted all over the place.
My take is this: the lady has made a career out of her social work degree and truly cares about people. She has figured out how to position herself to be interviewed on CNN and is probably hoping to be one of their 'go to' interviews because of the paycheck. There is no harm in that at all and she can do some great service in the field of bereavement and grief counseling.
The itch is, a degree in the social sciences does not an expert in all things caregiving make. So, to preserve the sanity of those of us still in the trenches and those of us out of the trenches and dealing with the Post Traumatic Stress that follows 24/7/365 FAMILY caregiving (and there is a GREAT difference in a paid caregiver and a family caregiver, make no mistake) just blow it off.
Shine it on, screw it and get on with your day.
Perhaps she will learn from some of us and perhaps she won't but if we keep the door open we provide another 'expert' with more tools to help the world of caregiving, family or otherwise.
As far as a word to the 'alphabet soup experts' who go work days and go home every evening to their lives that they are running as they please, use your backgrounds to provide real help and understand that the caregivers who post on this website are doing what you yourself cannot do, have chosen not to do, have not had the opportunity to do.. fill in the blank for your particular circumstance.
These people posting on this site are under enough stress to make a 25 year vet of Air Traffic Control look like he's interning at a Meditation workshop.
How fragile an ego must be to remove the posts of a person suffering from the isolation of family caregiving and who is reaching out for help. Let them vent, learn from them and if that particular thread isn't your bailiwick, find one that is.
Love all you guys more than you'll ever know.
lovbob
1. A Bible.....?
2. A silver dollar.....?
3. A bottle of whiskey.....?
4. And a Playboy magazine.....?
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
Blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
Skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says
"and I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that ******before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks
out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one
you should read this.The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it
like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....
CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny.....and true. This was sent by a
retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove
it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more
you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of
an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together
it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I
can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences
... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh
God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the
rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller
cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe
in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to
make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.
Peace
Rosella, our caregiver comes at 10 am and stays until 8 pm. Sometimes a little later if we go out one night. I have watched Mother around the clock but after 48 hours, I am ready to be one of the missing persons on "48 Hours". Leave no clues, tell no lies. Haha. Yes, I'm ready for my archaeology classes again. Went to Machu Picchu and Cuzco 3 years ago, want to do some digging.
Love, an expert-- not. Heehee Christina
Whoopee!
SS: I went to that thread, of course. I am sorry I have missed your post and Austin's post. I don't know if I will be deleted. I am still laughing!!!!
wait till bobbie gets on :-) she may flash em too ! lalala
God bless her, you, and all of us caregivers!!
-SelfishSiblings :)
bobbie ! lickin ur butt was it good ? lol i still grin and smile about that .
pa s doing fine , layin in bed all day . coughin way too much , gave him breathin treatment and he scream to get it off him ! so i did . cough s when he eats , cough when he drinks , then my chest is rattling i thought oh great now i got em too .
think its from begin outside and back inside , pollen is high too , farmers are out there hackin and bailin hays ,straws ,. flowers are wilting from the hot sun .
man now i feel like a nappy poo .
somebody ask me where i get so much enegry to do this and that . wish i have a extra enegry to dust and clean out my closet and throw away bunch stuff i dont need . nah its nap time , i hope if pa dont start yellin . always my luck , lay down catch one or 2 zz then bam gotta get up . i hate that feeling , makes me wanna cry inside . he slept allnight long , i jumped up this mornin and went to ck on him yep he s bretahing still , whew . thank u lord for a beautiful morning !
xoxo
Christina, Linda, Bobbie, Miz, Pirate, Naeton, Deef, Rossella, my italian friend, and all others!!!
xoxoxo!!! - SS