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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you do have all the equipment."
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BB shuffles into the pharmacy and asks for viagra.

No problem', says the pharmacist. 'How much do you want? Just 3 replies BB, but could you cut them into smaller pieces? I'm not interested in sex. I just don’t want to pee in my slippers anymore.
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Every Friday night after work,Four would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak
the neighbors on each side and across the street and behind him were all Catholic,and they of course were forbidden to eat meat meat on Friday
But the delicious aroma of the grilled venison permeated the neighborhood and caused much grief for his neighbors.So they went to their Priest.

The Priest came to visit Four,and after much discussion of the different religions,suggested to Four that he should become a Catholic
Four agreed ,and after countless hours of study,he was ready for his first Mass
The priest carefully sprinkled Holy Water over Four while making this speech;"Fourchon you were born a Baptist,and raised a Baptist,but now you are a Catholic

Fours neighbors were greatly relieved---until Friday night rolled around
Again the wonderful aroma of grilled venison permeated the neighborhood
They immediately called the Priest and informed him of the situation
The priest rushed to Four's house,entered the back yard,prepared to greatly admonish Four
But he stopped and stared in amazement

There was Four ,clutching a small bottle of water,which he carefully sprinkled on the venison,while saying
"You were born a deer,and raised as a deer--but now you is catfish"!!!
(4)
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Ask the Flight Attendant

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the Flight Attendant. So the boy asked the Flight Attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The Flight Attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."
(4)
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Why are you upset? Toothbrushes are a dime a dozen and mom's are one in a million. I would have taken a picture and silently laughed. Not having the foresight she once had to know the difference between a small brush and a large brush is no big deal. She was completing a difficult task all by herself. Kudos to your mom.
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey Boss I no come to work today, I Really Sick, I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt, I no come Work,' The Boss says , " You know Hung Chow, I really need you today, When I Feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex, That makes everything better and I Go Work, You Try That," Two Hours Later Hung Chow calls again, "BOSS, I do what you say and I Feel Great, I be at Work Soon, YOU GOT NICE HOUSE,"
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lol. sorry. awww mom. it's ok. just get a few toothbrushes and keep them in your room.
mom may have dementia or something. its signs of something. just communicate to her and
see what's going on. if you have cameras watch the cameras. you can also, take her to the doctor
to get checked. sometimes it could be something as simple as needed a new pair of glasses or
something serious. Mom is old give her a break. you only have one mom and many, many toothbrushes to buy. :)
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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls
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My Mom did the same. So I threw out my toothbrush got a new one and keep it in a locked cabinet until I need to use it. Keeping up with the behaviours is not easy. However, this one can be managed. Good luck !
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Hahahaha - love it, glad.
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A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw
Because he's just......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
OK!
Here it is!
*
*
*
*
A COMMONTATER
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Nothing is better than real, and what children say, what did Art say? The darnest things!

Granddaughter needed a Tdap shot to start 6th grade. DD2 and GD went in for an appointment just for that. As the nurse was walking them back, GD asked how big is the needle, and the nurse said (joking), "are you sure you want me to answer that right now?

Then they got into the room and the nurse says "so you're here for the tetanus shot?" and GD, alarmed, and says "ten inches???" because she thought the nurse said "ten inch shot" and they all laughed. Then somebody resuscitated all of us, and GD got her shot and was a total champ. The End.
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Yes I had lots of gross out moments when caring for my dad - one in which he put the toilet brush in the dishwasher with other dishes and turned it on. One way of getting it clean!
(4)
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Sorry I haven't been on. The only way is using a tablet that doesn't work that good.. Hugs to all luv cuz
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Thats not bad, I found my mom cleaning the toilet rim with mine.
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This is hilarious! Love Dick Van Dyke!!!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0hggfMifP48&list=PL_QPPcZlYgRcWCfcz5KGRklLb9pvV7Gv1&index=15

😄😄😄
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He sure got his workout, though!
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gladimhere I'm surprised he didn't brake is leg. I wouldn't have been able to walk away without hurting for awhile anyway.
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A must seem😄😄😄

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2dXQHLyxI0g
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31K comments!!! How did I miss this! All I can say is thank you all 31 K of you and I wish I could mark this to come back to...my complaints are so minimal compared to this. God bless us all....
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Thats nothing just found my mother been wiping with shower curtain not #1. Washed twice still stinks. Ick!
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Happy Thanksgiving to all the caregivers on this site. This comes from the state of Michigan where the winds have been blowing around 50 mph all day.
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be out done the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"
(4)
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys
applied for the job. One was a gay Mexican and the other a drunk
gringo.
 
She thought
long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
 
The gay guy
proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the
two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
 
Then one day,
the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
 
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
 
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
 
Finally the ranch hand returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
 
She quietly
called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he
did as she directed.
 
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she
asked, ever so slowly..
 
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
 
"Now take off
my skirt."
He slowly
unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
 
"Now take off
my bra.."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
 
 
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 
 
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either
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Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.
My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O', and my hubby calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my hubby arrive.
He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.
(4)
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Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study about women and how
they feel about their asses, the results were
very interesting.

10% Of women think their ass is too skinny
30% Of women think their ass is too fat
60% Say they don't care, they love him,
he is a good man and they wouldn't
trade him for the world.
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thinking of you all . cuz youre amazing with your jokes .... wheres jsomebody at ? i think of her often ...
i am doing ok . my husband had his cancer bladder and prostate taken out and is feeling alot better... thank you jesus .... did alot of chemo over 3 years and cancer keeps coming back . best way to get rid of it is to remove the bladder and prostate ...
take care and let me know how is everyone i know xoxo
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-Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...
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Signed up for my company's 401k
but I'm nervous cuz I've never
run that far before.
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Did you know?
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass
from mouth to stomach. A human
hair can hold 3kg. The length of a
penis is three times the length of
the thumb. The femur is as hard as
concrete. A woman's heart beats
faster than a man's. Women
blink 2 times as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to
keep our balance when we stand.
A woman has read this entire text.
A man is still looking at his thumb.
(9)
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