Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Barb, sometimes it is just not meant for you to be their like when your husband passed. He or that higher power man above us or both of them, must had known you were running from one end to another n it was not good for your health. I am truly sorry for the loss of your husband. Thankfully you found the mil instead of your son even though it had to be pretty bad for you too. I have never understood how this alcohol stuff can have such a controlling effect on some people. I lost my mom due to it as well. Now my dad is back drinking n hopefully it will be moderately but who am I fooling. I hope you r able to get in the mood to finish your daughter's shawl. I use to have one many moons ago that my grandma made me when I was little girl n luv it so much.
Jsomebody, don't u just luv it when that happens! I have had it happen a lot with me.
Bob, what r you doing to have sawdust on you?
Deefer, That was pretty upsetting n would had scared me to death by the way u describe about your dad having the heart attack. so sorry for the loss of your dad n I hope it was painless for him. Now for some positive stuff, that seemed to be pretty freaking awesome to find such paper work n President Truman. I luv antique stuff n history stuff. That is so neat to find that about your family. Isn't it amazing how us caregivers have to learn what works n what don't like you getting your mom the, callous cushion. Sorry it taking out of your own pocket. Can u file taxes n use your mom as a dependent to get some credit $ back on all this stuff that u r needing to buy for her? When u find that freaking rock please let us all know too. I think we need to look for that money-tree too.
Deefer, did I just hear u correctly, under 10 degrees? Sound like u live in the North Pole. Stay warm n bundle up.
Stormy, you poor-poor thing over a week with that mess. All that constant coughing has probable made your tummy ache too. I hope the meds kick in clear up your bug real soon n get some rest.
I didn't push the mil to go to respite service today for she been complaining all yesterday n woke me up n the middle of night. Their is not much that I can do but give her a suppository n it is only covering up the problem until we find out something hopefully tomorrow. She been on the prescription suppository for over a month then it about her lower abdomen area. At least she is running just find with her BM now. Hubby is offering to help on a lot of stuff around the house n even called me from work that he could come home during his lunch hr to give me a short break. I told him no, that he could come home early from work so that we, so that he n his mom can stick together while I try to get some grocery shopping done being he couldn't do it while I was gone! He even offered to push the buggy. I am thankful that he works but it is about freaking time he helped me with his own mom. I got to breath a little while shopping n kept n eye on him to keep n eye on her. She likes to hide at the end of the aisles sometimes n we already lost her once in Walmart with her doing that crap. It was pretty interesting watching him trying to look for things n trying to keep an eye on his mom. Something that us caregiver do all the time everywhere.
Everyone cross their fingers for them to find something with the mil that can be treated but nothing seriously bad.
Here is a laugh for you gals/guys. I changed out of my sweat pants to go to the store n when I got back I could not find them anywhere. I lost my sweat pants. I looked everywhere so something told me to look in the dirty laundry basket even though they were not dirty. Sure as hell their they were! Now, that is pretty bad to lose your pants. I hope someone is able to get a chuckle out of that one.

Bob, just saw your post about the ptsd n your dad. I have done research on a paper n because of my son being overseas 4 times within his 8yrs of service. It is very hard for them to be able to live a normal life if they don't seek get the help. Yes, back then it would had been consider being girly, weak and all that other stigmatizing stuff so they didn't talk about it. What a man your dad was, a rocket science wow! A lot of people back then in the war and even some now turn to alcohol n drugs n I am sorry that happen to your dad.

As for hubby, I should know better for he was drinking when we met. I am a dumb-ass gluten for punishment. He did it for year but his health started to take a toll n r marriage was on it last string then. He manage to ask for help from his physician n something must had scared the crap out of him for him to get help. I have stuck with him n we both usually try to support each other n I guess that is why I stay. Maybe his mom got to him but he also done the same thing around last year when my dad n Sm was found laid out in their messes trailer for a whole week n they wind up in the hospital. They r fine now n my brothers has gotten them a nice trailer off the property but they r back to their old ways. It is like why even try? At least r consciousness will be clear when they die from alcoholism like my mom. Everything is running fine now n it may be because the I slipped my tongue that, "I shouldn't have ever came back n I don't have any problem taking my cats n leaving now!" However, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't had went for that degree nor finish my high school GED. I was able to accomplish this after my transplant with his support n pushing me. I was going to be a social worker but a bachelor's degree is not enough as a social major. Plus, to get a master degree I would have to go out of town n that ain't happen. I guess, I need to look at something I can do here online n take the test in my area if its available. I know that no one is perfect but I also know that I cannot live again with him if he does go back to drinking all the time. I will be supportive as long as he is willing to help himself. Glad u have someone else coming out to help with the boat, yet,still not sure what all the sawdust coming from? Are u cutting wood for the boat or trying to replace parts of the boat?
Sorry everyone for such a long posting here lately. Please forgive me.

Diane, glad your having a good time at the Harrah's Cherokee Casino.

It sounds like everyone is having their daily trials to bear. PTSD, back pain, roids, family drinking, caregiver combat, etc. Mom is being a real ass tonight and pushing all my buttons. She is spitting her meds out. It pisses me off to know how much money I spend to buy these f'ing pills and she spits them on the floor. Maybe I'm just tired tonight. She was up early this morning complaining she was on fire. It actually feels harder to come back to caregiving when you have the smallest piece of freedom and sanity. Trying to juggle the bills too. The phone has been cut off and the cell phones are soon to be too. Luckily the church paid enough for my electricity to stay on. Should have enough food in the house until my payday next week. Just sort of pissed off that I'm in this mess right now. I guess we all have those days. I'm heading to bed so I can try face tomorrow with a little more energy. Have a good night all and take care of yourselves!

Lildeb: You are such a good hearted and kind person. You are full of love and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. On the other hand, you are a very smart woman. You know that the drinking issue with your dad and your step mom is not going to turn out good. They have a disease and it will cost them their health for sure. It's wonderful that your husband encouraged you to get your education. You can do more to further that education when you are free from being everyone's slave. I understand how you appreciate that your husband helped you further your opportunities with education, however, his drinking changes who he is and how he sees the world. What I want to say to you, Lildeb, it that it is his disease. It's not yours. You are not responsible for it and you don't cause it. It's who he is and it's a demon that he has to wrestle with.

Don't let him scare you or make you feel that you are at his mercy. I don't know if you remember that chat we had on Facebook, but I hope you do. You should get some legal advise.

I am sending you lots of love and respect. You are a very good person. I am really awed by all that you do and have to cope with. Love, Cat

Lildeb, very impressive how you have come such a long way! Lots of hard work and yes, it does sound like your husband was there for you. Hope you two can get back on track again. And yes, at least he works!
My husband has spent to last 2 years sitting on his a$$ in front of the TV since he lost his job. He tells everyone he is "retired".I guess retired means doing absolutely nothing to him! He never drank or chased women or even spent lots of money, but he also leaves everything up to me. Cooking, cleaning, worrying about how I will pay the bills and anything else that requires responsibility! You would think that after 43 years together, he would know enough to empty the trash or clean up the dishes after I do all the cooking! When he does actually help, like vacuuming, he does it as quickly as possible and misses edges, corners, and does one pass. He finds me doing something and says"why didn't you ask for help?' or " I would have done that later." Then it's hurry up! What's taking you so long to clean that?" AHHHH Like you have somewhere to go or something important to do? It's so hard to be motivated when he's laying on the couch in front of the TV all day!
By the way, it was about 12 degrees all day with a wicked windchill of about 15 below zero. I went out to get a milk and cat food and nearly froze! I have Raynauds and forgot to take my heart meds this morning, so 5 minutes in that cold gave me a wicked brain freeze! My ears burned for 10 minutes after I got back home, and all my joints are aching. Supposed to be colder in the morning and stay that way until Friday afternoon. It hasn't been this cold in 2 winters. Going to be tough getting Mom to daycare the next 2 mornings.
Diane, Mom is getting more and more feisty here! Won't even open her mouth never mind spit the pills out! If she starts to talk, I shove the spoon in her mouth as fast as I can! Feeding her meals is getting harder too! She gets distracted constantly and won't stop grabbing at my clothes or hands. Then she will grab the glass as I try to get her to drink and tries to wrestle it out of my hand. We end up with juice, chocolate milk and other drinks all over us and the floor at least 4 or 5 times a week. She has started to grab things with a death grip. It's amazing how strong she is. When I'm washing her up she grabs onto the face cloth or towel and won;t let go. When I'm trying to get her up from her wheelchair, she gets a death grip on the arm and won't let go, and when I'm dressing her, she gets a grip on her pants, shirt, pull ups, or anything else and takes them off when I am trying to put them on. Lately, since the UTI is gone, she gets fresh with her mouth! She's really getting on my last nerve! I truly feel for you!
Jen, I do have the same moisture barrier cream "olivine" that they use in the NH. It usually clears her up in a couple days. She's just so boney that there is no flesh to cushion the skin from bone. Her bottom is otherwise smooth as a babies due to much changing and washing.
Need to feed 5 hungry cats and get to bed. Will be below zero in the morning when I have to get Mom to daycare. BRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

Had to take step dad to doctor appointments yesterday. He has to see specialist for his eyes, and diabetes. So 3 hour drive one way. He constantly tries to tell me where to turn, or if the traffic is clear, and he can't see #$%%. I just ignore him. Of course he kept offering to drive as well. No thanks. But, bless his heart, he is nice about it. Always pleasant company. Coming home he knew I was tired, but also had given up on me letting him drive. So he would reach over and poke me in the arm, every now and then, and tell me "don't fall asleep, stay awake" Then we would laugh about it. Or he would start singing old old songs. Ever heard "Sky bald paint" it goes something like "old sky bald paint was the devils saint, and his eyes were fiery red. Good men have tried that horse to ride, but all of them are dead....." It has about 20 verses, that go on and on.
Deb, sounds like your husband is feeling guilty, hope he can stay on the wagon. Diane hope your Mom settles down. How frustrating. If she was 3 years old you could punish her for acting like that, but what can you do with your Mom?
Jen, sorry about your back. Be careful with the pain pills, they can become addictive. But, not much hurts worse than a back ache. Hope you get better soon. Stretching helps my back the most, but of course everyone is different, and I would ask a doctor 1st.
Got bad news yesterday, I have a cousin in Dallas, found out her ex husband died 2 days ago. He was a lousy husband , but a doting father to their daughter. Only in his early 60's.
Then my cousin in San Antonio called Mom, her husband died yesterday. He was in his late 60's.
You just never know what is going to happen next.
Have to get to bed. I've started a 2nd job.
Hope everyone gets a good nights sleep. Love Shirley

Thanks Cat n yes I remembered. I know I feel like I can just help everyone n in the process I let myself go some. Right now he is not drinking but n the process I will be on my toes of doing n getting things done for me just n case. He dosen't scare me for its my fault of feeling the mercy n insecurity. I have had that problem a long, long time since I was a teenager trying to take care of my little sister n brother when my mom would go on one of those weekly or monthly drinking binge. U think I stay clear from anyone that drinks for I cannot stand drinking n much-less marry one that did. Thanks for those chats on fb for I I do remember. I am not sure what to ask for legal advice until I know for sure that I will be filing for a divorce? I hope u r doing well n thanks.

Dtflex, it does seem like a lot of us r having a tough time. Maybe it is the weather? Wish I could help with the mom n her meds.

Deefer thanks for sharing about your husband too. The vacuum part I really understand for their is no way you can get all that tracked in dirt by one sweep over. I had no idea that you have Raynaud disease too. Mine is n my fingers. I can feel your burning pain in the cold air. Have you tried those hand n toe warmers that you can buy at Walmart where u shake it n it stays warm for awhile? You can place them n gloves n such but if your running out the door n forgetting to take your heart meds then u will probable forget to put those on too. It is just hard to think when so much going through our head. They say that, heat escape from your head n toes so those r two areas to try to keep warm n of course the rest of the body too. Good luck on getting your mom to the daycare for you need those breaks. Try to remember to take your heart med n a pair of gloves n hat to keep you warm. We already know you have the mom dressed to keep warm but you gotta remember for yourself too. Not sure this idea will work but, you mention she grabs with a death grip when u do certain things, have u tried giving her a stuff animal to squeeze onto instead of you? It might save your arms n such. hang in their for it seems a lot of us r going through some mess.
It seems worse when you feel so tired u r about to fall out while sitting up but when u go to lay down, your brain start to analyze n think things constantly so you r not getting any rest. That me for about a week or so with the mil. Hopefully, good news from the dr. I hope u can your mom off to day care to get a small break n you have 5 cats, wow. Grab a cat n give it a hug for it helps sometimes.

Lildeb: Often people who have alcoholic parents marry someone with a drinking problem. Like you said, it just is hard to understand, but actually there is a reason for it. Children of alcoholics often marry someone with a drinking problem because they are trying to recreate their childhood and win the love of the person with the drinking problem. Does that make any sense. You can google the issue and read up on it if you want.

I just need to vent and this is the place to do it!! My mother has declined so much since this time last year. Last year at this time she could still drive, pay her bills, cook, and take care of her hygiene. Now she can't understand any of her mail, phone calls, her hair get so greasy from not washing it. She wont use her heater adequately which means it is either 59 degrees or 74 degrees in her home. I have to work and have already had my manager talk with me about making sure I am not putting my job first over my mother's care. Her care so far has not interfered with work. I only took one day off back in October when she cancelled her phone service and I needed to be at her house when the technician came to check the lines connected to the house. Today she called me right before I had to leave to work because she got an advertisement in the in the mail, a form letter. It was from American Water Resources saying that underground pipes can break and can be very costly and difficult to fix. Most homeowners policies won't cover the expense...blah, blah, blah...you all get my drift. She was terrified and told me she would not be able to sleep all night and that she would never throw this away (I told her to throw it in the trash, it was only an advertisement). I am at my wits end because she always calls me with these crisis right before I have to go to work. My heart breaks in a million pieces because I can only do so much to be there for her. My sis and I are in the process of making an appt. with a neurologist for an evaluation on her cognitive level. Mom has to fail 2 of the activities for daily living (ADL'S) to qualify for her LTC policy to pay for home health care or a SNH. I do know that she was 135lb last year this time, is now 111lb because she is not eating right and part of that is probably due to the fact that dementia does slowly tale a toll on the body, but part of it is because I think she eats corn flakes for dinner because she doesn't want to be bothered with heating something up in the microwave. I am over there every day, give her medication (antidepressant to help reduce her anxiety), I work part time, so I cook for her on my days off and make extra to freeze so all she has to do is heat in the microwave. I took her to the PCP today to get refills on the antidepressant which he ordered. Yesterday her hair was so greasy because she hasn't probably bathed or washed her hair in a couple weeks. She was clean for the appt. Does this count towards failing 2 of the ADLS...not eating properly and bathing regularly? She can't handle her finances and refuses to let me or my sister help or take over and we can't legally take over until she is certified incompetent.... the appt with the neurologist which her LTC policy requires a certification from. Then they will come to her home and evaluated her requirements on the ADLS. How do I get through the next 3 weeks or more until all this is set in motion? Should I take time off work...(stress leave) or should I stick it out until we find out where our mother is at on competency and if her LTC policy will approve her need for home health care. Our goal is to keep her home for another six or so months with home health care and then place her in a SNF as she progresses and will be easier to deal with in placing her. I know this may sound horrible to you all doing it this way but we will still be advocating for her care and over her house or in the SNF daily. My sister has health issues, so does my brother plus his mil has lung cancer and his 36 yr. old stepson has stage 4 liver cancer that started in his colon 7-8 years ago. In other words, neither my brother or my sister are readily available to help me and I don't want to lose my job either. I am married and have a separate household to manage, my job is necessary just the same. My mother also has a personality disorder which would make it impossible for her live with me or my sister. I guesstimate my mother be in stage 4-5 Alzheimer's.Should I try to get stress leave or stick it out??

Sharyne, Your mom should not be left alone! The reason she is losing weight is because she has no sense of time or day or even that she is hungry. This is all part of dementia. She may not be like this 24/7 yet, but it's going to come to that. She panics because everything is turned around in her head. Bills confuse her because she can't remember what to do with them. She will do a good job of "faking it" a lot of the time, so you will think she is okay, but you really need to get her evaluated as soon as possible! Does she drive? Not a good idea at this point. At least you are able to give her the meds as she would really get confused there.
Don't want to panic you, but I think someone should stay with her 24/7 for a couple days and keep an eye on her daily routine and habits. I think you would be surprised at some of the things she would do. For all you know, she could be throwing out the food you prepare for her. Does she have a gas stove? Mom used to turn her gas on all the time without it lighting and I would walk in and smell it. Thank God she never blew the house up!
Ask her if she wants help with her bills and make it a pleasant conversation over coffee or tea. That might get her to at least gather her stuff for you to look at and see how bad things really are. Mom used to pay bills twice, or put 2 checks in the envelope or just plain throw the bills out!
As for hygiene, if she has lost her sense of time, minutes, hours, days, weeks are lost to her so she won't know that it's been a while since she bathed etc. All of this is why I suggest someone stay with her and watch her every day activities so when you do take her to be evaluated, you will have a good understanding of what you need to tell the doctor. She could surprise you and have a good day and come out looking totally normal.
I know I probably scared you with all this information, but I have been going through this with Mom for 7 years now and had to quit my job 5 years ago to take care of her 24/7. I'm certain you need to make sure she is safe when alone, but from what you have said, I think she may not be. Good luck and if you have more questions, let me know. Mom also had LTC, but that is now used up. Her policy actually needed one hundred dates of documented service in order for it to take affect. The $$ lasted four years by keeping her at home. It would have been gone in a little over a year if she had been in a facility.

Sharyn,
Welcome to the home of Vent and Live. Keep posting here!

Listen to Deef. She's really good and has nailed it.

I want to write more but just moved the boat so I have chores to see to.

lildeb! glad you're here.

Diane and Stormy and and Cat and and

love you guys,
lovbob

Sharyne I feel you mom needs to be placed-it sounds like she is not coping well at all right now and may be even worse then you think she probably hides things from you I think having someone stay with her for a day or two is a good idea. If she were placed the NH would get the LTC faster than you could imagine and then she would be on medicaide which the social worker would do right because they are in busniess for the money even though they would have you believe otherwise-maybe you could use some of her money to see an elder lawyer-I had to in order to get half my husbands pension -in the years he was disabled we got 30 thousand dollars less then we would have f he had taken his full pension the union was playing me for a fool I kept hearing 90 more days and don't call us again or you will get nuttin-the actual words she use -one letter from my lawyer and I started getting the checks. Please do not give up your job-not one person during the last 4 years who did -well there was one-but the others were so sorry that they did give up their jobs. Where I live teachers are taking CNA jobs-it is bad out there-most do not want to face placement but you will still be a big part of her life and it will be so much easier on you-if you were getting help at all it would be different-it sounds like she really needs to be placed-I am saying this as a friend and so hope you are not upset with me but I hear how difficult it is for you right now and yes she meets the needs fOR LTC from what you have been saying. P lease at least consider what I have said.

Thank you Austin and Deef~ I am not planning on quitting my job. Even though I am married, it gives me an independence that I am not willing to give up. I make my car payment with my check and have 2 more years to pay on it. I want financial choices without having to rely solely on my husband. We got the appt. with the neurologist for Feb. 11. I went over to mom's house early to check on her and I took the letter from American Water Resource so she can't read it over and over and obsess over it. She told me yesterday the letter was threatening her.

My mom is all electric except for the pilot light to the central heat. She has a living trust, the house included in that. She has the LTC policy with pays up to...I think...$350,000. Then she has money with Charles Schwab, so she would not qualify for medicaid or medi-care. I do not feel quilt in placing her in a SNH. I know many may think that is horrible of me but the reality is that I have honored my father and my mother in so many ways and do not believe that God is asking me to put my physical, mental, and spiritual health on the line to care for her 24/7 365 days a year. I will in no way neglect her needs or well being.My mother is a very abusive person and if I lived with her, she would destroy me in no time. I am a very patient person, but my marriage comes first. Right now my concern is to keep her safe, fed and well taken care of. We hope as a family that we can keep her home another 6 months with home health care helping. Every change my mother experiences throw her forward in the disease with rapid decline so I do question whether placing her now is best or having home health care help for six months. Either way she will progress but waiting 6 months with help then placing her is going to be a double blow to her decline. She no longer drives, my sister has her car. I am hearing what you are saying Austin and I agree with you. I read too many stories of people giving up their job to care for a loved one and how it made their lives a financial ruin or has taken such a physical and mental toll on them that it destroyed their marriages. It tears me up emotionally when she gets panicked thinking a phone call or an advertisement is threatening her. I am a wimp when someone start to cry when in pain or panicked. So on to something lighter. Yesterday when I got to work a fabric softener sheet fell out of my pant leg, we had a good laugh about it. Then my co-worker told a story of her husband who only wears cargo shorts with velcro fasteners on the pockets. He was walking to his truck on emorning and felt something different as he walked. He looked down and his daughter's thong was stuck to the velcro, Lol!! It is moments like this at work that I could not stop working, I need the comradery!! Thanks for letting me vent, I have so much going on in my head right now and I really appreciate the feedback from you all.!!

Sharyn,
Good Call.

I am one of those people who quit their job and changed my whole life around and it did not work out well for me.
Worked out great for mom but totally kicked my ass.

You have your ducks in a row and know your instincts.
Good for you and wish I knew then what you know now.

lovbob

Sharyn...I agree with the others. It is not safe for your mom to be on her own. She is a danger to herself. It sounds a lot like my mother, she was diagnosed with progressive dementia back after a fall in July. I lost her Jan 9th. The decline is so fast and comes so unexpected. But if you are truly concerned for her well being, get her evaluated and have the doctors recommend her to a nursing facility. If she qualifies or is already on medicaid it's beneficial. I wouldn't waste any time...she needs help. I also suggest you get as much help as needed. It's a stressful journey...if you do it alone I fear for you. My mom went from good to worst in a matter or months. I'll pray for you and your mom.. Good luck and God bless.

Agree with bobbie and msdaisy too, she may need to be placed especially if the cognitive losses are increasing at the rate you notice, even if she does not. No shame, a loss of some of her control but for her safety sake it may simply be her time to be looked after full time.

Sharyn, it is a personal choice and you seem to know what you need to do, so go with your gut! I'm already into this for 5 years and if I had to do it over, I probably still would, but that's me. I have lived in the family owned apartment building my whole life and have always been here for Mom. Dad died 31 years ago at the young age of 54 and being the oldest of seven nearest to Mom, I was the one who became her go to person for everything. She never drove and my 2 youngest of 7 siblings were still at home, so I was the one she relied on all these years.
You are doing the right thing for everyone and I hope you can keep your mom at home for a little while longer with outside help. It would give you time to get all her things in order. Good luck!

Deefs got it, and knows it, lives it, do whats best for both of you.

God Jen! Fricking freezing here! Down to 5 degrees already and still windy.

The Big 26000!!

DEEF!!
Boat Time!

lovbob

Packing my bags!!!! I WISH!!!! Full moon on Sunday and Mom is gearing up already.
I love to cook, but why oh why do I dirty so many dishes, pots and pans and utensils? Takes me longer to clean up than it does to cook!
When I got Mom into bed tonight, The bed collapsed,AGAIN!!! Had to get my daughter to help me, AGAIN!!! We had to take off the mattress so that we could replace the three support boards under the box spring. Mom was sitting in the wheelchair the whole time, waving her undies around. Always some kind of drama going on here.
Sure was cold getting her to daycare this morning. Not good for my Raynauds and to top it off I have urticaria, so when my extremities warm back up, I break out in hives. If there is one thing I have learned in the last 20 years, it's do not scratch! It only makes it worse!
The wind made it feel like minus 15. We had to go out and get birdseed and a few other things and it took me a while to thaw out before I had to go out again and get Mom. Tomorrow morning is supposed to be the last of the really cold for a while. We sure have gotten spoiled the last few winters here. the only reason we have any snow on the ground is it has been too cold for it to melt. Supposed to be forties and rainy by the middle of next week. I filled the bird feeders this afternoon and even they didn't come out in the cold to eat at the time they usually do.
Still waiting for the seat pads to come in for Mom's wheelchair at daycare. It will make it a lot easier for them and she will be more comfortable. At least they bring her chair out to the car when we get there. I don't have to take the transport one out of the trunk to get her in.One less step for me! At least she sat right down in the car today. Tuesday she pulled one of her stiff as a board postures and wouldn't bend her knees or at the waist to sit in the car. It got awfully cold trying to get her into the seat. When I put her to bed tonight, I laid her on her side to get the pressure off the sore on her tail bone. It was better this morning, but opened up a bit again after sitting in her chair at daycare.
Guess I had better pay some attention to my kitties! They are all sitting around me with their big eyes. Night !

Stay Warm D!

Reading your post, Deef, I was remembering a time I took dad to the dentist. It was snowing and very icy and you had to park parallel to the sidewalk to get closest to the office. I know I told him at least 3 times to stay in the car, in his seat, until I could come around to his side of the car to help him out. Did he listen? Of course not. So I get around to the passenger side and he has one foot out that has now slid under the car. As I try to help and he tries to straighten up, now both feet are sliding UNDER the car. I can only thank the wonderful person who happened to be passing by and asked if we needed help. I said PLEASE!. It took both of us to keep him from ending up completely under the car. When I asked why he didn't wait for me, he said he would have been fine. "I" was the one who made him lose his balance. OMG. I was so pi**ed at him that day. He, too, assumed the stiff as a board posture during this whole thing. I was almost ready to let him end up under the car just to teach him a lesson. Love you Deef ~ Kuli

Cold it was -5 when I went out to shovel this morning. It got up to 15 this afternoon and right now its about 2 and we are going to get another 4" tommorrow. We have about 4" on the ground here but 15 miles west of us they have 14" on the ground with another 4 to 8 coming. I love it but how come the snow is missing us. Hugs to you gals
luvCuz

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,

"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the
hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help!
My beard is
stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,
"Hurts, don't it?!"

Deef~It is a personal choice and one that we all have to make regarding our family dynamics. I wish I had a more loving relationship with my mother but she was not capable of that because of her personality disorder. I admire and respect all of you who are living with your loved one and caregiving 24/7. Do I love my mother...yes absolutely or I would not be doing what I am doing now. My heart breaks daily and not a day goes by that I am not in tears over her decline. I know all of you are probably doing the same. My father also passed away from Alzheimer's Disease. I spent all my free time helping my mother while I worked and still had two children in school. It is a horrible disease that we all hate and I wish with all my heart there was better medication to help the patient. Bless you all and thank you for letting me vent and all the feedback you have given me. Now we wait for the neurologist appt. on Feb. 11. Hugs to all of you!!

good morning you all .
kuli - i sure was smiling the whole time i was reading your post . sounds like something pa would do . once i told him to stay in the van while i run and pay car insurance , my mil was also in the van . figuring they both be ok . NOT !!!! a strange lady came into ins office and ask who is linda . i said its me .. she said ur dad s in t he bank hollaring for linda . oh gawd i ran out and went into the bank and dad s a smilin away askin me what took so long . i told u to s tay in the van pa !!! then i thought my mil !! whew shes still in the van begin a good girl ! never again i leave pa inthe van alone . hell he still had his mind , there s a moments he didnt have his mind , i learned that quick ...
i had dream 2 times that i didnt know where i was , i got turned around and was sooo more confuse than ever ! i cried askin someone to call home , gave em my ph number and they laugh said u gave me wayy too many numbers . i said how many numbers is it suppose to be , they said 3 , i was shocked and was turned around even more .
now i know how alz feels . cuz i felt thier pain and thier confusing . now im livin in fear that i ll have alz too !!!! i hate it !!! i dont ever wants to dream it again . twice is plenty enuff ! its worst than a bad dream ...
u all stay warm xoxo

EX-brother wrote back, apparently he'd been trying to send me an email for a month, really? Anyhow, I don't know why the hell I should have expected anything else, he used terms like "can of worms" and "pick at that scab". The jist I get is he sort of expected me to be over his abuse of me and in finding I am not "over it" he doesn't really want anything to do with me now....Great great, back to where we were. A little more information that confirms more abuse possibilities, but no real connection possible. fact is he was NEVER nice to me and we NEVER got along. Had there not been any sexual abuse we still would never have been close.
I gave him what he wanted, I said I forgive you and release you from anything you did to me(that I remember. which is far more than he does, for when I mentioned incident of abuse he remember not a one) I said I don't want it on my conscience if anything happens to him period, and I don't want to carry it around anymore. A. I will be carrying it around. B. So will he, even though he apparently has done his damnedest to minimize this issue in his life. I think he sees these incidents as mutual incest not abuse of me by him. Great great just what I need. His response to my email and the post I wrote here that some encouraged me to send to him, which I am glad I did as it shows yes I have support and people on my side thank you! He really said, dismissively,and snotty like that I am entitled to post on any blog what ever I want and get 3rd forth and 5th party opinions about all this (ah still hiding are we?) He was defensive and definitely took a few pages out of our dead fathers manipulative, cold, selfish book to cover himself. He agreed we have different experiences and views, I think he meant to save me in some way and when I, the Can of Worms so to speak, turned out to be, yes, still angry, sad and damaged and yes viewing myself as the victim, he has decided to back off. He wrote that he won't be contacting me again. Great just great. He really had no f*&ing clue did he? Does he?! He said: "See you in Spring" when he comes to do yard work for mom IF she asks him to.

WHAT in the Hell was he expecting from me? This?
"Can of worms" Am I the Can, the worms, or the whole container full of slimy squrimie wormies?

Comments welcome..

3rd 4th or 5th hand!

Jen,
You are none of it.
He is. Can, Worms and resident dirt.

Maybe you have tapped into it when you think that he may see all of this as mutual instead of him abusing you. (which he did)
As far as I have read, this is supposed to be very common with abusers.

Hopefully someone else with more experience in this will chime in.

I bet he has a clue about how wrong he was and how hurt you are but maybe no clue on how to process it all to where he can deal with it.
Jeeze, I hope you can grieve it like someone would grieve the loss of an innocence or the loss of someone you loved (like yourself).
Maybe you processing it in grief might work. Who cares what will work for the Worm.
Love you Jen!
Keep Venting!

Linda!
What a terrible dream! I hope that you find something peaceful to think about as you are drifting off to sleep. Remember to breathe and try to be calm.

Poor Linda I know how much you miss your Pa.
You don't have AD you have the complicated grief that follows full time caregiving of someone you love so much.
Be easy on yourself.

That should go for all of us.
We need to be easier on ourselves.

Kuli! Deef! Cuz! Everybody!

Love you guys way more than you'll ever know.
lovbob

Jen, your brother is an a$$hole.