Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Hello Maties,

I am alive and almost finished with cleaning out that monstrosity of a building.
It's down to tomorrow. We couldn't work for a few days because the heat index was over 105.

I've been trying to keep up with the posts and you guys are the best. Wecome to the new mates and vent vent vent. It will save your life.

I'm adopted and was told that my bio dad was Italian. It would explain a lot for me because I feel comfortable with Italians and especially the type of food agrees with me and not all food does. you know how that is.

I leave for FL FOR SURE this Wednesday and will write to you guys from the boat Wed night.

Hey Stitch! thanks for checking in on me. SS,Pamela, where are you guys? Linda... yup, been sweating like a farm worker and am sore and bruised ... and yes, the pool has worked!!

Tennessee, I love you and you have gone through the trials of Hercules. Screw those people that are being mean. A family member with a lawyer attacking is a sickening thing indeed.

Deef! Flex! Getting closer to Charleston!!

you guys be safe and MIZ!! Whassup?

lovbob

Thanks for the support everone. Rosella I cant believe you live in italy were you born there you speak very good englis or have you gone there to care for your mom?. I also play songs from the computer she loves segio bruni and mario abbate all the naples songs and I dont know why but she remembers all the words just like she remembers the whole Mass on Sundays but forgets who we are. Her sister and brother call her from Italy and she hangs up on them after a couple of minutes because I guess they ask her questions and she doesnt know who they are or cannot focus on what they are saying so she hangs up on them. I called and told them that if they want to see their sister before she doesnt recognize them anymore they should come to America now before its too late. We come from Torre Del Grecco which I am sure you know where that is and the last time we were there is when my dad died five years ago since all our relatives are still there and we said a special mass for him so that my dads brothers and sisters would be able to attend and I think that my dads death is what put her over the edge when looking back now there were signs but we werent picking up on it then. sometimes I feel so helpless that I cant do enough to help her but then I say to myself that nothing is never enough for her because its not my mom anymore every once in a while I see a glimpse of her and I enjoy that time with her. Ok have to go she is calling me she is in my bedroom thinking its her house and wants to know if she can come down and keep me company

Whew!!!
Bobbie is SAFE!
Do I dare tag her as our God Mother?

Thank You Girlfriend, for starting this post which brings all of us hapless (?) friends together!
Sir John, Dad, says HI Bobbie! We converse over many of the posts, laughing, crying & compassionate.

Dearest Jojo, your mother is the photocopy of mine. My mother also likes to go to the Mass and she remembers every single word. I have always lived in Italy but I have very good American friends, one of them is like a sister to me and she lives in CA, in the central part. I stay in touch with her every day, thanks to Internet (what a good invention!) ( I remember the times we wrote each other letters so we had news of each other every month!)

I work as a translator (from English to Italian) so I understand English better than I write it! Anyway my written English allows me to communicate, so it's Ok with me!
I have the same feelings toward my mother than you have toward yours. I feel sorry for her, I feel sorry for myself, I am so happy to see every now and then a glimpse of what she was before. The nastiest thing in this kind of illness is that with a part of the brain they know what is happening to them and they suffer a lot about it. My mother says all the time whe wants to go back home (she means her childhood home) and when she realizes she is no more independent and needs help to go to the bathroom, to eat, her look becomes very sad. I would like to beat the wall with my fists, but I know I would hurt myself and it would not be useful. If we bought a punching ball, to vent, do you thing it would help us? I saw my (deadbeat) brother today, I put him in a corner (not literally!) and I told him everything is happening here with my mother, in details, so he cannot deny the truth anymore. He was very troubled and I hope he thinks it over and comes more often, because when my mother sees him she is so happy... Hope God continues to give us the strength to go on! Big kiss

The same thing here with my brother he cannot cope with her so its left all up to us four girls and mainly me since I have the most patience with her. We call my brother jesus since he is God to her after all we do for her all she says is that he is the only one who comes to visit here (not) and it makes me so angry that one day i lost it and told her that he only goes to pick her up sometimes to to bring her here or to one of my other sisters house but she doesnt remember any of that and it hurts so much since I do almost everything and my sisters appreciate it but and they call and come to visit all the time when she is here but all she does it talk about my brother maybe its because he looks so much like my father I was at a point where I was resenting him because we all try to chip in and help but he cannot take her or know how to deal with her. I have my good days and bad days and I hope I am able to keep her with me because as you know us italian family we cannot bring ourselves to put her in a home but everyone is telling me that there comes a point where it is going to get too much for me. Has anyone felt that way. I hate to admit this but I rather God take her aso she can be with my father whom she loved more than life itself then to see her deterioate into nothing.

Has anyone else felt like this. Sometimes I look at her and it breaks my heart to see a once vibrant woman who took great pleasure into dressing her self like A Signora and now I have to fight withher to take a shower or change her clothes what a rough time I have with that she refuses to wash her self I had to literally go and take a shower with her naked both of us (My husband was laughing his ass off) but she refuses to wash her hair she totally freaked out, Any suggestions anyone on how to get her to wash her hair its been two weeks she keeps telling me she washed it yesterday.

For everyone else my husband is a godsend but yesterday we thought she was sleeping and he went to take a shower and I heard him screaming for me since I was in the basement doing the laundry and he was asking me for a towel I opened the door and guess who was sitting on the bowl doing her thing MY MOTHER he was getting ready to get out and there she was and she told him hi and she finished doing her thing while he was waiting for me. I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants he didnt think it was funny then but now he laughs about it.

Well it is 9:20 P.M. and I am waiting for 9:30 to put her to sleep since I have to stay in bed with her until she falls asleep her zanax in setting in (I hate giving her medication but she totaly freaks out at night if we dont)

Have a good nite everyone and thanks again for letting me share

As far as showers and hair washing is concerned, I let her scream and I do it anyway. I don't actually take a shower with her, but when she really does not want to do it and she struggles, when I have finished I am dripping water! There are days where we have to be two people to wash her. I am very tough in these cases, because if she does not wash, besides the fact that is not pleasant to stay close to her, she gets infections and our life becomes even more complicated. I give her tablets to go to sleep, otherwise she would not sleep at all. When she left the hospital 2 years ago (she had broken both legs) and she came live with me, I did not know she needed tablets to sleep, so we spent 4 whole nights and days awake. She was awake for 100 hours!
I hope I will manage to keep her home till the end, because the facilities for Alzheimer people are not very good in Italy for one reason or another. I know that when she will die it will be terrible for me and I will suffer a lot, but in the worst days I think it would be better for her to reach my father and her parents whom she loved a lot, and be herself again. I share the same feelings that you have so I think it's normal. I am resentful toward my brother (for his absence) but I tolerate that she prefers him to me, because when he comes he is kinder to her, he always says "yes", he does not force her to wash and so on. When he comes to see her, she is always happy afterwards, so, speaking selfishly, it is better for me, too!

Aloha Im sorry I havent come on board yet but take me away I need a good vacation away from all the nastiness and grossnes.

Oh and by the way my gross story My mom was in the bathroom and I went in to check on her she had wet toilet paper in her hands and asked her what that was she she ingnored me I knew exactly what is was I told her to wash her hand throw out the paper and she did and then went back in the garbage to dry her hands with the piss toilet paper. I made her wash her hands which she did again and then she asked me if I needed help in the kitchen which I screamed NOOOOO.

Hello regulars! I see you are all still hanging in there.

Hello to all newcomers to this site, who share so much in common.

Bobbie, hope your project finishes well, and that the boat is a wonderful relief from all your difficulties and efforts. I look forward to reading about your adventures!

My hubby, son and I enjoyed an impromptu vacation last week. 5 of 6 nieces and all their kids got together at a small Michigan lake for a week-long reunion, and we joined them. We got the use of a cabin after the early departure of one family. The following night we got the use of another cabin after the early departure of another niece. Altogether, we had a wonderful 3 days with family, and our son enjoyed playing with his cousins. We were able to enjoy boating, fishing, swimming, campfires, and fellowship with some great relatives from all across the country. It was so nice to break routine, relax, and build some terrific memories with loved ones. It was hard on me packing up and leaving for home. I look forward to next year's get-together already.

We returned to busy lives. I feel refreshed, but longing for more adventure out of the ordinary.

Mother used to be active but isn't anymore. She would go outside and walk to get her evercise but she stopped doing that well over a year ago. She is perfectly content to sit in her chair and do nothing. When she first moved in with me I took her up to the senior citizens center one day for lundh and she said when we pulled into the parking lot that it didn't look like a resturant and when I told her where we were she refused to get out of the car, said she wasn't going to eat with those "old" people. She had always said when she retired she was glad there were senior centers that she could go to and talk and not be told to get back to work. I opened the car door and she literally refused to get out so we came back home. On days when she couldn't go out for a walk because of the weather she would walk in the house and get exercise but she doesn't do that anymore either. As I said, she is perfectly content to just sit.

Living it here, the heat is making my grandfather have diarrhea bad, so we keep him hydrated and wash the toilet a lot...Four days of this is gonna be too damn much! He is also getting funny about his medication, says he doesn't think he really is diabetic and doesn't want to take the pills. Fine with me, I always thought they prolonged life needlessly anyhow...Should I say that? What do ya think/ Like I would. I just give them to him and will call dr if it gets to be an issue, and what isn't really...

mizunderstood10,
Mother has days when she "just doesn't feel good" . When I ask her if she is in pain and if she hurts anywhere, she just says she just doesn't feel good. When she says that I let her go back to bed for a while to see if that helps, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. But it seems that when she has those days that the next few days are going to be bad days for her. After Mother lays back down if she still doesn't feel good when she gets up I usually give her a special treat-ice cream. She doesn't get ice cream very ofter because she has problems with dairy products. The ice cream seems to make her forget that she doesn't feel well. Seems like it is trial and error. This is my thought for the day---I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you. Keep your chin up.

Welcome all you new caregivers! This is the place to be. Farmangel, I had to tell my family not to use Mom's hand towels, EVER! She wipes her drool on all of them, even though I tell her that's not right, and other people have to use them too. She also has a constant drippy nose and is forever wiping on whatever is available. Mom is in daycare 3 days a week and has finally adjusted. She thinks she is in school and doesn't want to get in trouble for missing a day! If your mom is still pretty with it, they sometimes don't like to see the other people that remind them of what they might end up like. Mom is too far gone to worry about that now.
Moms1, you've got the right idea. We definitely have to rely on our sense of humor to get through most days. Mom even ends up laughing at herself with us.
Linda, Hope you had a good visit with old friends. Xanax is the wonder drug! Have to give Mom extra now to calm her down, otherwise she would drive us and herself crazy!
Miz, Have Mom's urine retested after she has been off antibiotic for 5 days. That will tell you for sure if the UTI is gone. As for her not feeling like herself, the antibiotics can make them sleepy and also upset their tummies. Give her a few more days. Hang in there!
Jojo, Oh boy! Well at least your siblings pitch in. I have 6 and they never call or show up. One sister will help out if I call her, and my oldest brother who lives a street away, can get here quick if I need him, but sometimes he doesn't even come see Mom for 3 to 4 weeks at a time! My oldest sister lives in Virginia ( we are in central Mass.) and she is here right now for 3 weeks. She actually spends more time with Mom in those 3 weeks, than the rest who live close by. One thing that will get my Mom to shower and wash hair, is to tell her company may be coming and wouldn't she want to look nice? Good luck!
SS, Sounds like you had a nice time away. Don't you just hate going back home?
Rossella, Wow, Italy! Got to love computers. My mom will need to go to a facility soon, but she is very OCD and will not sit still. She needs to be watched constantly. She can no longer walk alone or toilet herself. It will be a challenge to place her somewhere that will not dope her up to keep her out of trouble. It's a dilemma all of us have to face at some point. Hang in there and take care.
Bobbie, Glad to see you took time off in the heat. Weather looks like smooth sailing for a few days. Bet you can't wait to get to Florida.
Rip, Good to have you join us. Sounds as if you have a good sense of humor!
Hope I didn't miss anyone. It gets so hectic around here, that I don't get to read comments for a few days. All the siblings came to my sister's house for Mom's 83rd birthday yesterday. I spent most of the time in the pool with the little ones. They are more fun than most of my siblings! Would you believe my sister who is visiting got a good picture of how my other sibs don't help with Mom. We thought we would let them handle her for the day. No such luck. The hardly even talked to her. She doesn't even know who my middle sister is anymore. Too bad! Maybe if she came to visit more often, she would be recognized!
Guess I had better get to the laundry and cooking. Merry is watching Mom today, and my sister and I are doing chores, then spending the afternoon in the pool and on the swing, reading our books!
Have a good day everyone!

OKAY, nobody is asking about where I am>>>>? Sticking tongue out at you sailors...LOL!

Whew what a bunch of FAMILIAR stories we are sharing. It does HELP alot to know that you are NOT THE ONLY one going through this hell. Yes hell, cause it is a mental trip! And a physical one. When I first started I thought I was going to loose my mind. But finding others who endured the same, helped a whole heck of a lot!

DT FLEX - Yep my mom plays the stupid game, and has been playing that for a for a week now ever since her wierd fall. Yesterday evening I evesdropped on her a bit talking to her sister...wow you should hear how fast those lips move. And when I or the caregiver is around, it's like a toad croaking out a few demands...how can I pick up the phone? I can't see this or that, baloney!

DOODY - YOURE FULL OF DOODY AND LEAVE US THE 'F' ALONE we don't need your stupid comment! Go elsewhere and grovel about ethics!

FARMANGEL..Yep been there with the dishtowel...so I just leave her one by where she eats so she can wipe herself on that one. Otherwise she leaves the rest alone, so you may try that - just a dedicated one for her at the table. And yeah back to the sight thing...she always peered behind curtains and blinds at the neighbors...and I always thought her punishment was to go blind, which she slowly is...and yet though she says she can't see anything, she always has the blinds behind her bed propped open to see to the street. Go figure...everytime I make her bed, I reshut them, cause it is unsightly from the outside of the house to see this one blind ajar...and lo and behold she always props it right back open. Yuck her peering at neighbors always grossed me out!

RIP - good idea about your landing lights! Yeah after my mom had that wierd fall (on floor with top mattress on top of her)...I bought her a walker...she's so wierd, I catch her coming out to the kitche with the walker and the cane...and carrying the walker 1/2 the time. I called her on that, saying why...your going to land on your butt by trying to maneuver both, then yesterday I found her just using the cane. Go figure!

JOJO- Yes please join the Pool! Ain't it grand being a caregiver? WINK WINK! I am going to be glad when it's over - cause I have been catering to her for 11 1/2 years plus!

ROSELLA - Welcome Italiania! My b/f is from Rome, he just got back from going there for a month and a 1/2 staying with his mom. He cringes being around my old mom, and he has his sister back in Italy to be the scapegoat who will probably take care of her. When I ask him about her, he kinda goes numb. What is it with men being squeamish about taking care of the elderly? Aren't men supposed to be the tougher sex? NOT!

Oh JO JO - yep my mom sometimes reverts to ALL GERMAN...she gets lazy and does that...plays all into the helpless crapola of Narcissism. She was talking German at the caregiver while I was on the phone with her...I told her to stop it, cause if paramedics ever had to be called or a doctor, then systems need to be conversed in ENGLISH. So I won't her play that game of reverting back to GERMAN. What is it with the folks from the "old country" and YEAH they have refusals in their head about getting old and dying. My parents avoided that subject completely. We did not know my father's wishes when he died. My mom said "He said he did not want to be thrown into a hole". Well I told my mom, well the other option is cremation. And that's what we did.
Yeah the bathing issue. Yeah I throw my mom into the tub when I suspect her pants are full. Yeah they don't like baths and washing hair all of a sudden...wierd so wierd. I hope I don't get like that! I scrub my mom up and wash her hair. So does her caregiver. So I say wash that hair no matter how much they scream, cause they don't know what's good for them health wise anymore!

BOBBIE - Oh man I was thinking about you and what you said about the gazillion books. I was cleaning out my old bedroom. My mom had managed to stuff away a gazillion clothes. I got rid of trashbags full of sweaters, top, jogging sets, shorts, shirts, sweat pants to the Thrift Shop drop off. Most items still had pricetags. And I am still not done!

Hi Pirate ...

I'm glad to know you're baaaaaaack & what you are up to! Always enjoy your posts!
SO there! Somebody cares ... lots of people do if you scroll back here & find those posts "Where is PirateGal???".

Good luck with the cane to walker thing. I use those cheapo scritchy bath gloves on Dad's hair (& the dogs) when showering them. Especially helps with danderruff, ruff, ruff.

Carry on & please keep us laughing!

Cheers ~ the Rip & Sir

LOL I was sticking my tongue out in jest!

Well, you were sticking your tongue out at me, cuz I've asked several times. LOL Things go more smoothly solo?

Well thank you sis! How's it going with your delima?

This site is better than family!
Hi Secret Sis! Deefer, Miz, Pamela & all the sisters I wish I'd had.
Oh well, 3 big brothers were enough.

Now if we can't have Bobbie back on board ... poor lady with her enormous task!

Pirate, I am laying low. Lots of distance from the mommo. The dads keep us busy enough. Just got off the phone from the NH, with FIL wanting to escape. He had his coat on, and wanted to talk to his son, to "Get me out of here!" So, hubby's coming home and we're heading up there to calm him down. I'll check in on my dad, too. No worries there, except in relation to my mom, who rarely visits him. Dad just sleeps, and that's about it. He's become too feeble to fight anyone, but really seems content. For that, we're thankful. Other than constant calls from the NH about FIL's antics, we're just dealing with their issues one day at a time. Thank God for the support! So glad I don't have to personally handle two hot potatoes. I greatly admire those of you who do!!!

SecSis...I am just wondering when your mom is going to peter out.....seems your mom is the last one of our bunch is that is full of piss and vinegar!!!! (Mom's with NPD). I was sitting on the stairs of my house earlier today recollecting that Memorial Day weekend I was sitting on those same stairs crying endlessly to a Adult Services person. At that time my mom was RANTING about the car insurance paperwork for my dads cars. She was going nuts for weeks on this subject and almost drove me insane. The repeated phone calls on and on and on about the same subject. One year later...she can hardly dial the phone.

omg...i hear you all..my goodness if it wasnt real life it sure would be funny...and i can say that cause my mom has dementia...my mom sticks her fingers in the peanut butter and margarine to spread because she cant remember to get a knife, so she uses what she can. i didnt realize this was happening til i saw her. She uses her hands for everything..if she wants a snack she will go to the fridge - when im not home - and slice pieces of meat etc..using bare hand...she rarely flushes the toilet, i do know she washes her hands after but not sure if she always washes before eating. Im not home all day so who knows what else goes on.

the only think i can say is what my boyfriend keeps telling me: Our parents will revert back to their child like state-its so true!.

So heres one really good thing i have a grandbaby 19 months..him and my mom get along great..she loves the preschool shows where they count, sing and talk about basic things like colors and abc's because my mom has forgotten all this. She can help rock him and she can also help feed him and shes just tickled with him so im happy that he makes her smile. Hang in there kiddos and remove what you can from her that you dont want polluted..

Hi Pirate! I know "one" and I mean "1" (ein, un, uno )MAN who took care of his mother when she was sick. It's the brother of one of my friends. Their mother had a stroke. After that, she became disabled and went to live with my friend. My friend's "miracle brother" called her several times a day. He went to visit every weekend and he did everything for his mother, includind washing her. Every year he took his mother away with him and spent with her one whole week, in order to release his sister. And he had just two weeks of vacation. He worked a lot, he had two jobs.
He did so until his mother died.
I know that you won't believe it. But it is true. My friend thinks this is normal. I told her "no, your brother is not normal".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That guy is one of a kind, Rossella!
I am aquainted with many fine men yet they shrink when seeing the care neceasary for elder care.
This man is a "miricle Brother"!
Thanks for letting us know they exist.

Wish you were here on my sandy beach, running water river ... sunset over the mountains ...

I'm not there. WIsh I were! Girlfriends are there this evening!
Whimper in sadness for me.

Elder Care happens ... but I'm going to pack the van with Dad, dogs a cooler & beach chairs soon!
We'll be thinking of you, Rexi & your gang!

cheers!

Deefer 12: Thank you for welcoming me. I found this forum by chance, as I was looking for the meaning of an idiomatic expression in English (I was making a translation). It was a real bless to find "agingcare" and all of you. It seems incredible but I am much more peaceful and happier now, because I see that many other people are going through the same things, and I have a lot of good advice from everyone. i shall try to open a forum of this kind in Italy... But I shall stay with you US friends, in the same time!

When my mothers siblings wanted to put my grandmother in nursing home,my dad got mad and went and got her and built another room and moved his MIL in with us.He also had hands on with his mom every day.I grew up thinking that was normal also,I think it is called loyality and love for your people, my brothers I don't understand. All men are not created equal.

howdy sailors !
nothing new here , same old stuff over and over , same routine ,
just put my dad to bed and thought about washing supper dieshes , ahh heck i decided to go and ck you all out . stickin my tongue at ya too . wink ..
wentto my old hometown where i grew up at , hog roast and back then we were called criminal gangs , wow i didnt know that hahaha , met some old friends and believe it or not i couldnt remmy thier names !! they was shocked and they knew my name .
im thinkin uhhh dementia ?? ah go get me more beer then i ll be ok . i enjoyed it and it was at the house where my dad used to owned , i live there and so did all my bro s and sis , dad sold it to th enieghbor and thier 6 kids all lived in it too . wow that was many years ago .

rossella ,, your friends brother sounds like a man every girl would dream to have . he s a very big sweetheart , when u see him u give him a big ole bear hug will ya ?
tenn welcome back , been thinking about ya .
gotta go wash them stinking supper dishes grrr i hate dishes . they make me ill , lol . later sailors ..

Hey Iharde,
I ws telling my friend who loves to cook, that my perfect home would not have a kitchen!
I hate cleaning the kitchen!!!
He continues to update his kitchen with the best appliances. I hate dirty dishes & cooking.

I just heard from a friend, a doctor, using his Bluetooth, as he drove thru my old wilderness stomping ground. A low mountain we climbed to do what high school kids do.
Now a housing development & he was stuck in traffic.

I thought of you returning to you friends from the past.
Man ... we have aged somehow!!!

I laughed that you were of a criminal gang.

One of our high school friends, a wonderful guy, was shot dead on his motorcycle a couple years back b/c someone thought he was a Gang Member..
He had dealings but wasn't criminal. Just a guy who used to pick strawberries with my family, played Santa every Christmas.

Sail on & thanks for being here to spark my memory cells

Hi rip! Pirate, my mom is a tough ole bird. Smoked 50+ years, till 2 years ago, and meaner than a ju... (you get the drift). She's been through Cancer treatment, has emphysema, COPD, NPD, BPD, OCD, etc., and still walks about. I was warned she was at the NH when we visited, but I avoided her. She stuck double-stick tape to dad's wall, which pulled off the paint in strips. She continues to OCD on my dad, and I feel sorry for him, as he can no longer defend himself. His Alzheimer's is the great escape. Wish I could escape her! She just creates turmoil and disconnect wherever she goes. I know it can't last forever...can it?

Tennessee, good to read you. Hello everyone else. Welcome Italy! Hi Miz! Are you packing your bags, yet, Bobbie?

Good Morning Maties,

THE BUILDING IS EMPTY. BOB HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!!!

I just paid the last of the helpers and it's on to the DMV so I can renew my license and then back for a pedi. hands are shot and will have to heal.
I am so sore that the air around my hair hurts.

I have 2 sea bags (Eddie Bauer huge rolling duffles) and a backpack for the computer and important papers.

you guys are troopers and hang in there. the boat is actually very very near.

everybody keep posting and I love our Italian friends. so interesting to read your posts.

Tennessee: give your daughter a big hug from me and all you guys be safe and sound off!

lovbob

Bobbie (321), you stay safe. Can't tell you how often I think of that boat, and just want to start driving that direction. I'll be patient, though, and look forward to your visit. We plan to make it worth your while! Still, the idea of an East Coast adventure is sure enticing. This winter, I'd covet a Florida or West Coast one, as well. Praying you are richly rewarded for all your love, devotion, and hard work. You deserve a wonderfully relaxing vacation. Can't wait to read all about it. Now, getontheboatgetontheboat. Praying it's everything you dreamed the Barbara B would be. Watch for those dolphins!