bobbie321 Posted February 2010
Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!
Follow
Share
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
31K Comments
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Popular Questions
Related Questions
Start a Discussion
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
Go&%amned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your @ss!"
"Amen," replied the congregation
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain.
With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
and takes care of business .
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!
An elderly woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”
No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.
Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.”
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The elderly woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”
She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back next week.
She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They’re totally amazed.
They can’t figure her out.
She’s a very pleasant and gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her,
“How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
The old lady blushes and grins.
“When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says,
“What if it’s pointing straight up?”
She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”
elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in
flowers, stood behind the casket during the
service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and
the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart
then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.
At that point, one of the mourners bust into
laughter. When all eyes starred at him, he
said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
All these questions and support from others makes me not feel as crazy. Pretty sure I am going to
go crazy but at least I know I’m not alone.
Vent away!
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree”.
The Priest was pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock”.
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock”.
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Man riding a bike”.
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, “My bike”.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table....
The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....
Thanks cuz49341! Fantastic!
thanks for making me laugh! great jokes!! :)
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas.
They agree to meet every 10 years in Vero Beach Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those broads with the big racks, tight shorts and gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where do you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where do you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where do you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
“Because we've never been there before.”
"Okay.”
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiles, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits"
You need a kiddie lock on a drawer for your personal stuff and an array of disinfectant products at hand.
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these words - "Complete" or "Finished". In a recent linguistic competition held in London, and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
He won a cruise and a case of 25-year-old Scotch.
Ninety-year-old Maude tells the sad story on how she lost her husband.
“Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record
so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was as they needed to know in order to save my
Norman’s life.
Tragically I’ve never known his blood type so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I’ll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me,
“Be positive, be positive!”
That was my Norman, always thinking of others.”
An elderly man just nudges the rear end of an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the driver hops out of his car and confronts the old man
“Look what you did to my car” he yells. “You’re gonna give me $10,000
right now or I’m gonna beat you to a bloody pulp!”
“Oh my” says the old man, “I don’t have that kind of money. Let me
call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do.”
"Dolphins?", the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son
answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just
rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you
AND your old man to a bloody pulp".
"I’ll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly ten minutes later a jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and
proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a bloody heap on the
side of the road.
When he’s finished, he walks over to his father and says: “for the
LAST TIME Dad…. I train SEALS…. NAVY SEALS…. NOT dolphins”
Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.”
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote:
“Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said
“Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love Mom
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died…!
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma"
The next day the grandmother died…!
"Holy Moly," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for one penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for one penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian girl, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," said the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
Do you know why?
When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why??
It's because she smells like a new truck.
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning. Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?"
The original sack lunch
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.
But, as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:
NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.
The room erupted in applause.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS.
Had to share:
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’