General topics.

thanks....yes, think I'm going to head to the store and pick up some extra meds - they gave me just a few pain pills at the ER, definitely not enough to get me through to January, so I have to make this work somehow until then. Looking at the health plans available, I'm going to be paying over $350 a month just for me to be covered at a level that I need...affordable care, my foot.

What's kind of funny (in an ironic way) is that I said my kids were never going to be my caregivers. Guess who is sitting in bed and being waited on by one of her kids.....and not liking it.

Susan try curcumin. It's a natural inflammatory. I've taken it for my knees and neck and it has helped a lot. So sorry you are having problems.

Yes, try the Curcumin!

Susan, is your foot bothering you too?

What are 'biscuits & gravy'? sounds gross not a treat - is it as bad as it sounds?

Some people love biscuits and gravy. I like biscuits, but hold the gravy. To me gravy is just something that packs on lots of calories devoid of anything that is good for you. If we were eskimos or real skinny, gravy would be fine.

Cooking a meat in gravy or sauce is another thing altogether, though. It keeps the meat moist.

When it comes to food one person's gross is another's "yum", I can think of a thousand examples. Sushi, gross. Sauerkraut, yum. Liverwurst, gross. Limburger cheese, yum. Grits and collard greens... I think you have to have been born in the south ;)
LOL

You know what's really yuck? Yankee dressing. People north of the Mason-Dixon line really like sage. Below the line we use poultry seasoning that has just the right Southern amount of sage in it.

Susan: Voltaren was the only thing that worked for my lower back, which hurts frequently if I do too much lifting, cleaning -- ie, anything even remotely useful. Also a heating pad. I plan to go to physio (PT?) in January to have traction for my neck and back and some acupuncture. Oh, and I use a wee TENS machine. They cost abt $40? at Amazon (I got mine thru a Groupon deal -- abt $10/$15, I think). I'm quite happy with that purchase. Used together, they provide a good deal of relief.

I hobble like an old woman now (don't you dare go there!) -- the strokes plus broken hip really did me in and I'm all bent over. So I'm going to try to escape this hobbledom and go on a river cruise next Christmas if I am able and if I can afford it. (I think the latter will be waaay harder than the former. Or maybe not -- dunno!)

It's quite windy out here by the lake, altho' I'm abt a mile from it. Gusts up to 50 mph and it's the gustiness that just about knocks me over. On Friday, it took abt 20 minutes to get from my porch to the car -- a distance of abt 15ft; when I opened my front door it *slammed* back into the hallway, my grocery bags acted like little parachutes as I lurched to the car, my journey to the porch stairs was a nightmare ... the fact that I am off balance anyway + carry a cane + the two shopping bags and their parachute-ness + the cold = a potentially *devastating* fall. (I know, I should have folded the bags and I *will* next time!)

And then the return trip -- two heavily laden shopping bags that I had to drag along the driveway + cane + major wind gusts + cold + getting flung against the car every now and then + my lack of balance -- I collapsed when I closed the front door behind me -- literally.

This winter promises to be quite cold thanks to "la nina" (la NEEN-ya). I thought there was only one -- el nino, which makes our summers so hot now. I didn't reckon on la nina. Two years ago, the polar vortex made our winter very cold.

Ah life!

Thanks all -

to answer questions:

no, my foot isn't bothering me, so it's not sciatica, though that nerve is starting to scream a bit from having to lie in one position at night to relieve the pain in the shoulder. Lower back is starting to complain too, because of that.

Current course of treatment until insurance kicks in is: heating pad alternated with ice packs,depending on which works at the time, slowly using the pain pills given by the hospital ER until they're gone, then tylenol extra strength & motrin. Nothing seems to be completely relieving the pain at this point, only dulling it a little. Daughter has been a big help getting me set up in bed so I can work, but I'm hating being confined and unable to move much without severe pain.

Can you buy cocodamol over the counter in the US? It's a paracetamol and codeine combo (low dose of codeine, so you don't run into opiate concerns) that is extremely effective short-term. Though don't forget to get some laxatives too :(

Hugs, Susan. Being in pain is just miserable. Hope it eases up very soon.

CM, nope. No form of codeine over the counter in US.
Susan, my sister swears by a patch called SalonPas. Available lotsa places and she used on her knee before last surgery repair...hope you get some relief.

Mom spent three days (two nights) in the hospital last week for a UTI and came home weaker and needier than ever. I had out daytime caregiver, Carl spend the weekend while DH and I went away for the weekend (Yaaay me!). Well, usually I can't get Carol to leave. We get along so well and she is chatty. But, yesterday, she almost knocked me over running for the door. Mom was so helpless and needy all weekend. Poor Carol.

I am hoping and praying that this is just her recovering from the hospital stay. If this is our new normal, I will eventually end up putting her in a home. I did not sign up for this. If she seemed to be trying to help herself at all, it might be different but she seems content to just sit around all day letting everyone take care of her. Carol even told me that she would not take her medicine(pills in spoonfuls of yogurt) without being fed like a baby.

Please tell me that this is temporary and she will get stronger again.

Um...

Since you ask me to say so, this may be temporary and your mother may get stronger again.

How temporary is 'temporary'? Because the other possibilities are that you get stronger in terms of coping with her new normal, which may not be for very long, either because her normal changes again or because, God forbid, you're reaching the end of the road; or that you draw some lines in the sand so that you know in your own mind when it is time to call the nursing home.

That's very unhelpful of me. What I earnestly hope is that your mother is feeling temporarily weedy and helpless because she's just not very well right now, and she will bounce back.

On the other hand, it doesn't hurt to think things through. Forewarned is forearmed.

Thanks CM and Guest. Nope, no codeine OTC here in US. Narcotic pain relievers are strongly regulated(which is a good thing). I looked at those pain patches the other day, Guest - I'll have to see if I can get some.

The thing that's bothering me most right now is that I will most likely not be able to visit my son in another state in January - I don't see this being resolved too quickly even once I get in to see a doc when my insurance kicks in.

Thanks Churchmouse. Fingers crossed for her big bounceback. One of the hardest things to deal with is my resentment towards her for being so helpless. I know some f it is natural decline but I can't shake the feeling that most of it is either her faking it so that she can be waited on hand and foot. And, even the deficiencies that she can't help, are still caused by her choices. She has vehemently avoided any type of physical exercise her adult life. Now, she does everything to avoid the exercises recommended by her PT (when she had it). I tell her constantly that she needs to get up and walk around once in a while. She makes excuses or lies and says that she has but I know she hasn't. Then when she does have to walk she cries out "I'm going to fall" and she moves at a snails pace.

My response has been "go ahead and fall and we will deal with that then". Of course, she doesn't fall. She just wants me to walk by her side and coach her. She uses a walker but then tries to get me to hold her hand while she walks. That makes no sense whatsoever since the walker gives more stability than hand holding.

When I am cold and distant to her she scolds me with "Maria, you are going to get old one day" The other day, I almost screamed at her "no, because I am going to have the decency to die before I become a burden to my kids"

I am taking an exercise class that I hate (it kicks my butt). I'm not taking it for me. I am taking it so that I stay healthy enough to take care of myself when I am 84.

BTW, Mom, Betty White was 94 when she died and was still working. I am tired of hearing that 84 is old.

Day 2,546 of caregiving. Not that I'm counting. My brother flew across the country and I didn't even know about it until I saw the pictures on Facebook. Hall of Shame is all I can say. Feeling depressed today.

Mom2Mom, I read what you wrote after I submitted my message. You and I are going through the same thing. I find myself wondering how a parent could expect this of a child and how other people can turn away. We're left wrestling with all the decisions about what to do. My mother only says no to every option and that she is going to die in her home.

Actually Betty White is alive and well, and will be in a new comedy series next year. She will be 95 the middle of January.

FF,

Glad to hear that. She is one of my favorites. I thought
I saw a news story about her dying the other day but I guess not.

JessieBelle,

I am only 645 days, 15496 hours in for having Mom live with me and it seems like a lifetime already.

Hi! I'm new here and am very thankful for this site!!! This has given me some comfort as I have been looking after my 71 years young father who suffered a stroke/wreck in April 2016. By looking after him, I mean staying with him in Trauma Unit and from there, in and out of rehabs and hospitals. I've been in Memphis, TN with him now for almost 8 months! I live in the panhandle of Oklahoma. He can't walk, barely talks and is finally starting to eat purée foods. He has a little dementia that seems to be getting worse. It is so frustrating as I am the only one looking after him. I have 2 half brothers and two full brothers and none of them have a relationship with him. I want to bring him home with me, but my husband fears it will take a toll on me and I will lose my health. So, reluctantly, I'm looking at putting him in a facility in my small town so I can keep an eye on him. I am overcome with guilt and cry everyday because I am totally alone in this. My husband says that I deserve to have a life as well, but I can't stop feeling guilty. When does this subside? I need to go home and go back to work as we have exhausted our savings in order for me to be here along side my dad. Thanks in advance for reading! Any thoughts?

SignArt, your husband sounds like a wise man. You are going to feel guilty no matter what. I think it is a woman's burden in life to feel guilty about this type of thing. There's only so much we can do, though. If you find a good place, you may find that he enjoys it more than he would enjoy living with your family. It would give him a chance to strike up new relationships with people. That would be a good thing. Give him a while to settle in to his new place and see how it goes. You might not be doing hands-on care, but you'll be caring for him just the same.

SignArt time to think of a place to put dad. your siblings won't help and hubby clearly does not want you to bring him home. perhaps a solution would be to find a facility close to your home where you could at least visit frequently and supervise his care. if you have had to spend your own money to care for him he will probably be able to get medicaid. Look into all this. the way this is going you will not only exhaust yourself but your marriage too and that comes before dad. it sounds as though he will continue to decline even though he is still young. So make other arrangements as soon as possible. You will still have responsibilities you may wish to avoid but you will not be managing on your own.

Thank you, JessieBelle! Yes, I need to give it a chance. We are waiting on PEG tube removal as the new facility will not accept those. The transition is and transfer is scaring me a little, but I need to trust the journey! I appreciate the kind words!

Thank you, Veronica91! After much deliberation and touring facilities in my area, I decided on one in my hometown. It isn't skilled, but I know almost everyone that works there. Yes, this has been a strain on finances and marriage! I tried to play SuperWoman and handle everything myself and it has left me depressed, drained and overweight!! Ready for things to settle down!

Susan there are OTC pain patches now which may help. I have used the prescription Lidocaine patches and they did help. There is also a 4%local anesthetic OTC gel which may also be useful. i also like the Gold Bond pain reliever. It is not a good idea to overuse tylenol but you can take Motrim as well unless there is a reason not to take it (if you are on Blood thinners) If you are trying to ease out the pain pills try taking a half and some tylenol ( still don't exceed the max dose of tylenol.) Most of the pain pills also contain it. Some people also find a TENS unit helpful which can be mail ordered fairly inexpensively.
Look up the max dose of Motrin and try that it is quite a lot.

SignArt, oh my gosh your Dad is so young. Try not to feel guilty having Dad move to a continuing care facility.... think of it was being the case where your Dad needs a higher level of care then you can give as you can't be awake 24 hours a day to help Dad with so many different things.

Plus Dad would be around people close to his own age group and probably make some new friends. When my Dad moved to Assisted Living he was so happy there, he wished he had moved there years ago :) Yes, I felt guilt about not caring for Dad at my home, but my house had too many stairs and no place to create a bedroom on the main floor. Plus I was a lousy cook, so I knew Dad was getting meals at Assisted Living that he really enjoyed.

Also Signart if your Dad is in a facility the stress and burden of having to be sole giver will be eliminated and perhaps you will find that your relationship with him will be enhanced because he will so appreciate your visits and knowing that he is getting the care he needs you will be able to discuss other things with him besides his care etc.

Thanks Veronica -
I did pick up the Icy Hot with Lidocaine the other night. Giving that a try, and have thought of the patches and tens units too....anything to get through this until I can get in to the doc.