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My poor mom ...somedays she is barley hanging on by a thread, while other days I feel so optimistec about how she is doing, and the possibility of her being around for quite some time. However, I have begun to think about what it is that I am going to do whenever the inevitable comes. It's very difficult to try to think about these things, but I know that it must be done. I've been trying to do this for about 6 months now, and I still have no idea. I have been saving money for over 3 years, but it's amazing how little it has come to. The worst part of it is that I live in California, and owning a home here is damn near impossible.
I'm curious if anyone has had to deal with these thoughts, and how successful, if at all they were. I'm just trying to prepare for the worst and exactly where I'm going to go when all is said and done( so to speak). I'm just going to be so overwhelmed with grief that I'm not going to be able to figure any of this stuff out later. Does this sound crazy?

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I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed with my dogs. I am fortunate that she has left her home to my husband and myself. We have been renting a condo for 3 years and I quite like it. The lawns and pool are taken care of and no maintenance is required. I hope we can sell my mom`s home and buy a condo so we can travel when possible. My mom and Dad both traveled and Ifeel like they would be happy for us. I`m 65 so dont have a lot of time left.
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Thank you Peeweedeb and Zannigirl - I can so relate. The emotional roller coaster of being a caregiver - caring so much for them at the expense of doing anything for yourself. I want to spend as much time as I can with Mom because I do not know how much longer I will have her. I enjoy my time with her, admire how strong she has been through so many chronic illnesses, want to do as much as I can and as much as she needs. Most of all, Mom needs me to see her everyday, to be with her, for her to be able to bear the difficulty of living in small room which she shares with another woman in a nursing home. I hate that she is spending her last time there, and wish I could take her home and care for her myself, but for a myriad of reasons I cannot. I cook for her everyday and do her laundry; but what she most wants is my presence. It is difficult, but cannot imagine not doing for her. Sometimes I really do wonder what will be when she does pass. I have siblings who have not contributed anything to Mom's care and that makes me sad. I thought we were a family - but I have found that I do not have a family other than Mom. I miss her and she is not even gone yet. Caring for her has taken a toll on me. As someone here posted, taking care of Mom's needs and my husband's needs has left me with little if any energy to even think about my own needs. It has been so long that I don't even know what my needs are anymore. Mom has been my only priority for many years and I truly have lost myself in all this. I am grateful for the energy I have and that I am healthy enough to be able to devote this time to Mom. I cannot imagine life without her anymore. What a scary thought.
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Peeweedeb, I'm hoping that you and all of us caregivers will look back and feel proud at the work, love and sacrifice that we gave. Our loved ones will be missed but the doors to a new life awaits us, it will be left to us to walk thru the doors ready to live our lives in another new normal.

I have hopes of moving to another State and big dreams about moving to another Country, I hope that I will do whatever it is at the current moment I feel I cannot or mainly should not do.

Increase your circle of friends maybe a Social club, take a class but it's good to hear that you are thinking about your future, that is a forward thinking and intelligent thing to do. Get a plan or 2 and keep working it, also if possible the help of a Life Coach could be very helpful.
You will be alright.
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Hi Everyone: I've read all the posts and you are all such wonderful people. We have so much in common with one another. Quagmire, Ive been going to the Cargiver..How are you doing today? thread they are so encouraging there, it is a wonderful and safe place to vent your feelings and get some advice. Some of the things written here, I felt I could have been the one writing. I feel I've aged 15 yrs in 6. I isolated myself and have had no energy to even talk to friends on the phone. I recently went on antidepressants and they are helping. Cattails, you are right, I was thinking the same thing, maybe we could get a group together and move away. Doesn't hurt to imagine. Prayers and blessing to you all.
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Swatina: I admire your courage and feel your pain. I think you will do well and thank you for your post. Don't we all want to live comfortable, healthy, in peace and with good company. You could probably get a lot of folks from this conversation to sign up and go with you. Best wishes for all you hopes and dreams. I hope they all come true.
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Dear Peewee & Vivian: I know and understand perfectly what you are both going through. I am presently taking care of my 95 yr old mother and am also wondering where I am going to go once she passes. The property where my mother's MH is on, belongs to my brother and it will be passed back to him once mom is gone. Even though mom has given everything to me on her Last Will & Testament, I do not want to be tied to this house or to stay in Florida due to lack of employment in the small town where she currently lives at. Mom gave me POA & even before she did so, none of my siblings even bothered to help with her care. She has Type 2 diabetes, bladder cancer and suffered a frontal lobe stroke on 11/11/11. Before her stroke, she was a strong and able 95 yr old that still liked to fiddle around doing yard work, even though she walked with a kane.

Before all this happened I would sit with her and ask her about our family history. I have managed to write down alot of info on our ancestors. Presently I am putting together a scrapbook of pictures of her as a child, adolesence and her life with us. I am hoping to have it finished before Mother's Day, if God permits her to be with me until then. I have gotten alot of satisfaction doing this and it has helped me release some stress, since I don't have any assistance from any of my siblings.

Had to put mom in Hospice two wks ago...and even though they have been great for her wellbeing...they only supply 5 days of respit care for the caregivers every other month. I have been so stressed with all the responsiblity of her care, that I don't want anything to do with my siblings after mom is gone.

My ordeal is the same; what will I do when she's gone? Where should I go, what should I do? I have been unemployed for the past 4 yrs. while being her caregiver. The thought of having to look for a new state to live at, an apartment, a job and finding new friends is so overwhelming to me right now. I have researched and read online about living in Ecuador. They use the US Dollar as their currency and for under $22,000 a yr. you can live a very comfortable life. I don't have a husband or life partner to accompany me on this adventure. Being born in South America, I have experienced the life and customs of other countries. Being bilingual is a great advantage, so communication would not be a problem. I am in my fifties, so I am seriously considering retiring in South America. I want to live my retirement in a country where I know I will live comfortable, healthy, peacefully and hopefully in good company.

Spend some quality time with your mom before she passes... It will be rewarding to you and will give you that peace knowing that you did everything you could for her, but make sure you make time for yourself.
Wish you both all the best!
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I know what you mean Deb. I'm 58 and have my mother living with my husband and me. She has helped financially, but we don't know what we are going to do when she passes. She has dementia. Some days are ok, just gets so tired of hearing the same old stories. And all about when she was younger. She never talks about when my 2 brother's and me were young. I pretty much know that I will never be able to work. No jobs for people our age. And I"m forgetting everything I learned. I guess I can brush up on my computer skills on line. But I don't think that will be enough. They will hire someone younger with a degree before they hired an old lady. Maybe take a class on caregiving and get my cert. God, I don't want to have to do that. I guess I'll think of that when the time comes. And good luck to you.
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I want to thank all of you for your insights. I am in anticipatory grieving. God bless you all. I will pray for you and your loved ones. And not forget to pray for my own hurts.
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Just letting you know that I'm struggling today too. Praying for better days ahead for all of us.
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I understand completely. My mom had a stroke 8 years ago, and I've been caring for her ever since. I am an only child, so I know what I have to do and also know that there is no one there to pick up my slack. It's a difficult road...and I think that for me, I mourned the loss of her independence and also the loss of mine during the first 4 months following the stroke. Since then, it's just become a way of life. I don't want to lose her..and I see the decline. The home health nurse who comes in once a week told me to read up on 'failure to thrive', so I am almost back in the mourning mode for what I know is coming. My advice would be to try to treasure the moments that you have with her now...yet, it's OK to look ahead to a time when you will reclaim your own identity. Pray, it does help....ask for strength. Write your feelings down...it validates them and gives you a reference point. Just know that you've been entrusted with the most noble task ever...loving and nurturing your loved one. My heart goes out to you....we are all sisters under the skin.
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My mother has terminal lung cancer and because she frustrates me, angers me, and irritates me, I'm worried I won't say something I should (whatever it is) to her before she dies.
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Dear Jan, you deserve a guardian angel and so do all the sweet and caring women who try to do the right thing for their parents. I wish you (and all the caregivers) the very best ...sending love to you!
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PeeWee, I'm with a few people here. My mom died 3 weeks ago because of medical malpractice. It's been heartwrenching more so because of that. There is no book on grief. I already lost my dad several years ago and it's still hard. I second some of the suggestions that you find grief counseling beforehand, get as many people surrounding you as support even if they don't say anything. It's nice to know ppl care. But let yourself grieve. It's ok. Everyone deals with it differently and each way is right for that person. There is no wrong in grief. my mom had the same thing happen where she was doing really well and seemed like she was making great progress, then she'd have a setback. It is an emotional rollercoaster. But you are not alone. Check out some local churches/synagogues, they may have grief meetings to help. Mostly, get a lawyer experienced in elder law to make sure your mom is being treated right and have that power of attorney. Then you can make better decisions about her care and have more power to wield over her physicians if there's something you don't like that they are doing. But you are on track with your feelings. Just spend as much time as possible with her. You won't have any regrets.
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If caring for a parent has consumed your life it is daunting to figure out what to do. I spent years trying to recover from my own health problems and pretty much lost everything, career, assets, finances. I have been gradually getting some aspects of my life back, working a bit here and there, getting a life etc. Then my mom got sick and like many others it all got pinned on me. Even before this happened I had thoughts about getting on my feet and just leaving. Life is short. I have watched so many people die in recent years and find myself regretting all the years I have spent working long hours, raising kids and doing for everyone else. It made me want to go do things, go places, experience things again. What the new issues in helping my mom has made clear is that I really want nothing to do with the rest of my extended family and none of them will be there if I ever need anything. So leaving wouldn't be hard at all. The fact that having all of my mom's needs dumped on me has meant I can't work, leaving me totally dependent on the current situation and people. Sometimes that is as frustrating as dealing with the chaos and extended family drama.

What about looking at things you always wanted to do, school, somewhere you really want to be. I used to live in California and would love to move back but the cost of living is just too insane. To me it makes the risk of being all on your own with no safety net a bit too high for my comfort level.
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I see exactly where you are coming from on this one. I too, cannot afford to buy a house and my parents had some savings which have been eked away by care costs and I have not the heart to tell them there will be nothing for me to inherit as they think what they saved will help me when they are gone. Its very hard when you have done your best for them and put them first for their final years but you can see a time coming when they won't be around and you are the one who will have the big problems - and in my case no other family so I am on my own. It may be niaive, but I like to think that what goes around comes around and that somehow, as long as I keep working hard, things will work out. Keep the faith and just do your best and keep putting away your savings. If there is a guardian angel out there for me I'll make sure she/he thinks of you too - good luck!
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Hold onto your good memories. Obtain grieving counseling. Balancing time have been overwhelming but one must remember to take care of yourself, too.
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I am in a similar situation and I think the term anticipatory grief is very appropriate. I am so fortunate to have a wonderful husband to help me with the financial and business ends of my mothers life, but there is an emotional pain that I just did not know about prior to going on this journey of supporting my mom. She is in assisted living which is a huge blessing. I know this has consumed my life for almost 3 years now and I cannot imagine how some of those who write comments here are doing it without support. It is a daunting and heroic task to care for another adults needs - and additional emotional pain when it is your mother. I cannot think of anything else, and it is so physically painful to watch my mother's health deteriorate (and others in her assisted living home). I feel like I have aged myself by 10 years in the last 3 years. I have not had time for friends and have isolated myself as I just don't have the energy to get out, laugh and enjoy others when my heart is breaking watching someone I love gradually dying. I too have asked myself how much will be left of me after this is over. I know I will not be the same person that I was ever again. I have a sister and brother who live out of State, and unable or unwilling to provide any relief. I try not to be bitter about this, as I know it is easy turn your head away when you are not faced with it each day. Bitterness will only do more damage to my spirit. I think it is good to not make any huge changes after this is over - I tell myself too that I just want to put myself into a completely different environment. I want to move, although, my husband and I have a very comfortable home and a lovely community. I just want to get away and clear my head of all of this pain and suffering. I feel like I will just be following my mothers footsteps to dying here in this town. I don't know either what I should do. I have a son about 4 hours away, and a daughter and grandchildren a couple of states away. I don't want to be any further from them....and I really don't want to live in either of their areas. I think I am going to need to travel a bit after my mom passes to clear my head before I can make any decisions. I also need to consider mu husbands needs. No matter how much I do for my mom I never feel it is enough and my mind flits in and out of conflicting emotions each day. This entire experience has challenged the very person I thought I was. Balancing my time and energy between my husbands needs and my mothers has been all consuming, and I no longer even know what my needs are or have the energy to nurture myself. My mother is basically an invalid, bu has her mental faculties, but it is very difficult for her to express herself because of a stroke. She is basically trapped. She has always been a private person, and isolates herself even in assisted living which leaves me running over to where she lives daily for her emotional support - it is so draining. Well sorry for rattling on...once I get started it pours out.
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It's not crazy. My mom passed away three months ago and of course, I am still grieving. It was hard for me to even imagine her not being her.Taking care of her took up so much of my time, but I miss her terribly. I very seldom went out of town and if I did, I made sure someone was going to look after her and I felt guilty for going. I let so much of my housework go because I work full time and spent almost all of my free time with her. So now, I plan a project every weekend and am getting caught up on alot of that stuff. Spend as much time as you can with her. As much time as I spent with Mom, I wish now that I had spent more. I would do it all over again to have her back, but I don't want to be back and be sick. She is with the Lord now and would not want to come back. Just focus on her now, everything else will fall into place when she's gone. God bless.........
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My father died yesterday. I have been taking care of both my parents for 3 years.
He had frontal lobe dementia. Even though he was in final stages and I'd been living with anticipatory grief....his death took me by surprise at this time.
I can't stop crying...will I ever run out of tears.
Mom is able to travel so now I have to decide what to do about what she and I will do. Will we continue to live in their condo in Florida or do I take her back to
my home in Georgia. Florida has become my home and I've made many friends....but my grown children live mainly in Georgia. I am torn...think I will give it some time before I make any decisions.
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I can identify with you and I don't know yet what I will do when Mom goes. I hope that my siblings will not try to evict me out of the house that Mom is leaving me. I will have to let the lawyer take care of them. They will have to pay him (it is stipulated in the will) if they try to come against me. I feel I am protected, but the house will be too much to take care of if I don't get a job or have someone come in and rent. Upkeep? Oh, it is so expensive. If nothing breaks or goes bad it would be OK for a few years. I am not going to try to decide, but going to a foreign country sounds tempting but I am afraid of switching seats on the Titanic if I was to do that. I would have no idea of their customs and all. I think I would like to take a cruise and go to Israel. I have heard it is best to try not to make major decisions the first year after a death or divorce. Just how do you not make decisions? lol Everyday is a series of decisions, but I guess the major ones have to wait. Sometimes decisions are made for us by our circumstances. I hate the anticipation. I try to live in the now. Now I am going to take the dog for a walk.
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Maybe it would be a good time to join a therapy session. It will teach you how better to deal when the time does come. Prevention never hurts. In the meantime count the blessings you do have with your Mom still here and think of a way to make this an unforgettable upcoming Mother's Day!!!!!!! Best Wishes, Love, Sherri
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PeeWee: You are a very good soul and have cared for many of your friends as well as your mom. What kind of work did you do before your mom became so ill? How long have you been out of the work force? It doesn't hurt to throw ideas around, but it's good to also be open to the universe and not get overly controlling.

It could be that your need to think about these things come up more as your mom's health fails because you need a distraction for losing her or being a witness to her decline. That's ok too. No pressure. Be kind to yourself.

How about moving to Denver to be close to your son and grand kids? Tell us more about the thoughts you have had.

Comfort and Love to you, Cattails
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I understand what you are feeling. I've been thinking the same thing. I had a home in Atlanta Ga. that I sold so that I could come back to nowhereville IN to take care of my mom because no one else would step up to the plate. My Dad wanted his house to stay in the family. Mom says she is leaving me the house and when I moved here I thought I wanted it. I've become so disillusioned about my family that I think the best thing is to sell it. I waited tables most of my life and don't have any savings. The money I made off my house paid for the debts I incurred when carpal tunnel left me in too much pain to work. I am seriously considering moving to a foreign country and living in a ashram. My family has felt it ok to leave me high and dry to take care of mom alone. I really don't want anything to do with any of them. I'll just say homeownership is not all it is cracked up to be. Maintanice is a big deal, maybe a condo would be better. I like you am afraid the grief is going to be hard to bear, its been me and mom against the world. I do think it will be my time to finally be free, and I don't think I want the responsibility of a house or any kind of payments. I can give much advice that I can't actually follow; try to stay focused in present moment awareness. The future rarely turns out the way we plan. What I keep being told is, all we really have is now. Hugs to you, I hope you find some peace of mind. God bless.
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You are not crazy. I had similar thoughts before my Dad died several years ago. I believe you are experiencing anticipatory grieving. When the time does come, it will be easier for you to cope with the loss of your loved one. Plan as best as you can for the future. Try to find some meaningful time with your Mom the best way that you can. I'm not certain if your Mom can communicate with you. Talk to her about some of your best family memories, even if she cannot respond back to you. God's blessings to you and your family.
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