Thoughts about the future for me after my mom is gone.

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My poor mom ...somedays she is barley hanging on by a thread, while other days I feel so optimistec about how she is doing, and the possibility of her being around for quite some time. However, I have begun to think about what it is that I am going to do whenever the inevitable comes. It's very difficult to try to think about these things, but I know that it must be done. I've been trying to do this for about 6 months now, and I still have no idea. I have been saving money for over 3 years, but it's amazing how little it has come to. The worst part of it is that I live in California, and owning a home here is damn near impossible.
I'm curious if anyone has had to deal with these thoughts, and how successful, if at all they were. I'm just trying to prepare for the worst and exactly where I'm going to go when all is said and done( so to speak). I'm just going to be so overwhelmed with grief that I'm not going to be able to figure any of this stuff out later. Does this sound crazy?

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I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed with my dogs. I am fortunate that she has left her home to my husband and myself. We have been renting a condo for 3 years and I quite like it. The lawns and pool are taken care of and no maintenance is required. I hope we can sell my mom`s home and buy a condo so we can travel when possible. My mom and Dad both traveled and Ifeel like they would be happy for us. I`m 65 so dont have a lot of time left.
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Thank you Peeweedeb and Zannigirl - I can so relate. The emotional roller coaster of being a caregiver - caring so much for them at the expense of doing anything for yourself. I want to spend as much time as I can with Mom because I do not know how much longer I will have her. I enjoy my time with her, admire how strong she has been through so many chronic illnesses, want to do as much as I can and as much as she needs. Most of all, Mom needs me to see her everyday, to be with her, for her to be able to bear the difficulty of living in small room which she shares with another woman in a nursing home. I hate that she is spending her last time there, and wish I could take her home and care for her myself, but for a myriad of reasons I cannot. I cook for her everyday and do her laundry; but what she most wants is my presence. It is difficult, but cannot imagine not doing for her. Sometimes I really do wonder what will be when she does pass. I have siblings who have not contributed anything to Mom's care and that makes me sad. I thought we were a family - but I have found that I do not have a family other than Mom. I miss her and she is not even gone yet. Caring for her has taken a toll on me. As someone here posted, taking care of Mom's needs and my husband's needs has left me with little if any energy to even think about my own needs. It has been so long that I don't even know what my needs are anymore. Mom has been my only priority for many years and I truly have lost myself in all this. I am grateful for the energy I have and that I am healthy enough to be able to devote this time to Mom. I cannot imagine life without her anymore. What a scary thought.
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Peeweedeb, I'm hoping that you and all of us caregivers will look back and feel proud at the work, love and sacrifice that we gave. Our loved ones will be missed but the doors to a new life awaits us, it will be left to us to walk thru the doors ready to live our lives in another new normal.

I have hopes of moving to another State and big dreams about moving to another Country, I hope that I will do whatever it is at the current moment I feel I cannot or mainly should not do.

Increase your circle of friends maybe a Social club, take a class but it's good to hear that you are thinking about your future, that is a forward thinking and intelligent thing to do. Get a plan or 2 and keep working it, also if possible the help of a Life Coach could be very helpful.
You will be alright.
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Hi Everyone: I've read all the posts and you are all such wonderful people. We have so much in common with one another. Quagmire, Ive been going to the Cargiver..How are you doing today? thread they are so encouraging there, it is a wonderful and safe place to vent your feelings and get some advice. Some of the things written here, I felt I could have been the one writing. I feel I've aged 15 yrs in 6. I isolated myself and have had no energy to even talk to friends on the phone. I recently went on antidepressants and they are helping. Cattails, you are right, I was thinking the same thing, maybe we could get a group together and move away. Doesn't hurt to imagine. Prayers and blessing to you all.
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Swatina: I admire your courage and feel your pain. I think you will do well and thank you for your post. Don't we all want to live comfortable, healthy, in peace and with good company. You could probably get a lot of folks from this conversation to sign up and go with you. Best wishes for all you hopes and dreams. I hope they all come true.
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Dear Peewee & Vivian: I know and understand perfectly what you are both going through. I am presently taking care of my 95 yr old mother and am also wondering where I am going to go once she passes. The property where my mother's MH is on, belongs to my brother and it will be passed back to him once mom is gone. Even though mom has given everything to me on her Last Will & Testament, I do not want to be tied to this house or to stay in Florida due to lack of employment in the small town where she currently lives at. Mom gave me POA & even before she did so, none of my siblings even bothered to help with her care. She has Type 2 diabetes, bladder cancer and suffered a frontal lobe stroke on 11/11/11. Before her stroke, she was a strong and able 95 yr old that still liked to fiddle around doing yard work, even though she walked with a kane.

Before all this happened I would sit with her and ask her about our family history. I have managed to write down alot of info on our ancestors. Presently I am putting together a scrapbook of pictures of her as a child, adolesence and her life with us. I am hoping to have it finished before Mother's Day, if God permits her to be with me until then. I have gotten alot of satisfaction doing this and it has helped me release some stress, since I don't have any assistance from any of my siblings.

Had to put mom in Hospice two wks ago...and even though they have been great for her wellbeing...they only supply 5 days of respit care for the caregivers every other month. I have been so stressed with all the responsiblity of her care, that I don't want anything to do with my siblings after mom is gone.

My ordeal is the same; what will I do when she's gone? Where should I go, what should I do? I have been unemployed for the past 4 yrs. while being her caregiver. The thought of having to look for a new state to live at, an apartment, a job and finding new friends is so overwhelming to me right now. I have researched and read online about living in Ecuador. They use the US Dollar as their currency and for under $22,000 a yr. you can live a very comfortable life. I don't have a husband or life partner to accompany me on this adventure. Being born in South America, I have experienced the life and customs of other countries. Being bilingual is a great advantage, so communication would not be a problem. I am in my fifties, so I am seriously considering retiring in South America. I want to live my retirement in a country where I know I will live comfortable, healthy, peacefully and hopefully in good company.

Spend some quality time with your mom before she passes... It will be rewarding to you and will give you that peace knowing that you did everything you could for her, but make sure you make time for yourself.
Wish you both all the best!
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I know what you mean Deb. I'm 58 and have my mother living with my husband and me. She has helped financially, but we don't know what we are going to do when she passes. She has dementia. Some days are ok, just gets so tired of hearing the same old stories. And all about when she was younger. She never talks about when my 2 brother's and me were young. I pretty much know that I will never be able to work. No jobs for people our age. And I"m forgetting everything I learned. I guess I can brush up on my computer skills on line. But I don't think that will be enough. They will hire someone younger with a degree before they hired an old lady. Maybe take a class on caregiving and get my cert. God, I don't want to have to do that. I guess I'll think of that when the time comes. And good luck to you.
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I want to thank all of you for your insights. I am in anticipatory grieving. God bless you all. I will pray for you and your loved ones. And not forget to pray for my own hurts.
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Just letting you know that I'm struggling today too. Praying for better days ahead for all of us.
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I understand completely. My mom had a stroke 8 years ago, and I've been caring for her ever since. I am an only child, so I know what I have to do and also know that there is no one there to pick up my slack. It's a difficult road...and I think that for me, I mourned the loss of her independence and also the loss of mine during the first 4 months following the stroke. Since then, it's just become a way of life. I don't want to lose her..and I see the decline. The home health nurse who comes in once a week told me to read up on 'failure to thrive', so I am almost back in the mourning mode for what I know is coming. My advice would be to try to treasure the moments that you have with her now...yet, it's OK to look ahead to a time when you will reclaim your own identity. Pray, it does help....ask for strength. Write your feelings down...it validates them and gives you a reference point. Just know that you've been entrusted with the most noble task ever...loving and nurturing your loved one. My heart goes out to you....we are all sisters under the skin.
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