What is the funniest thing your aging parent has said to you lately?

I got mom in the depends panties. She still gets up by herself to go to the bathroom. She had an accident and filled them with number 2. I found them in the bathroom sink. She hadn't cleaned up and got it in the hall and her bedroom and bed. I said mom, you are suppose to call me if you have an accident. She said "Why" "I put them in the sink."

I have to say up fron that this is not my mum but a conversation overheard in hospital this afternoon between an elderly lady who has just been diagnosed with alzheimers and a psychiatrist. Elderly lady is 94 and has been taken to hospital following a suicide attempt - she walked into a river.
Doctor and why did you do this
Well I dont want to live with Alzheimers - anyone would think you think thats wrong
Well as a doctor there is a lot we can do to help
Can you get rid of alzheimers?
Well no but...
Well if you cant get rid of it why cant I die?
Well you need to think of your family
If I had family I would be in Switzerland at Dignitas. I am neither foolish nor insane young man. I have lived a grand life and done many things you will never do. I have walked among princes and dined among emperors and I will not be told by some young whippersnapper of a doctor when I can die. Good grief its actually preposterous that you think I am insane andbefore you start I do not have depression - that is for mamby pambys - I was a full time nanny for some of the richest people in theworld not a mamby pamby.
Well I was sat in the next cubicle hooting with laughter tinged with sorrow- for this woman really felt her useful life was over and she would just like to choose with dignity her method of departure from this world. All I can say is I hope someone upstairs hears her prayer and guides her with dignity to a quick closure.

Yep Sovery, it's all we got ;)

Francis lol
We got to hang on to the good

LOL soverytired!!!

I play a Glenn Miller CD in the car whenever we go anywhere and one of the songs that began to play.... my Mom got so EXCITED..she screamed : "Sentimental Noodle"!!!! (for the Sentimental Journey song....)

I needed to laugh
One day my mom was trying to console my Aunt who was very upset about her increasing bouts of Dementia

My Aunt : I am so embrassed my mind is going
She was crying and repeating "I want to just die"
My mom "Honey we are old nobdy pays any mind to us While just the other day I was at my friends 60 th anniversary party.My friend pinned a flower on me. I said to her Did I win a prize why the flower? My friend said because you were my maid of honor you ass"
My Aunt swiped her tears,looked Mom in the face
.serious as could be
Aunt:": Umh, Ass I will remember to call you that from now on!"
We all laughed til we cried happy tears

I gave Mom an apple turnover last night for dessert, she looked at it and said:

Mom: What is this?
Me: Poison, Mom
Mom: Gee, love you too.

Now thats the one thing I dont have to put up with Dee. My mother has NEVER discussed sex with me in any form not even what menstruation was - I thought I had had too big a poo and my bottom had split open when I had my first menstruation cycle (mind you I was only 10).

She always kept a calendar with regard to that sort of thing or so I thought - then much much later when I emntioned it to her (she was about 58 at the time I saw my dad smile and roll his eyes.

Later he said to me thats 'our' day - me and your mum - now that did make me blush.

Her and dad had very different views - she told me I would have to put up with sex or the man would go elsewhere (dad did from time to time) but dad said anywhere was fine even the kitchen table! (that explained why he went astray periodically).

My mother wont use terms for any part of her body that in the normal scheme of things wouldnt be on show so basically anything a bathing costume covers. That makes it really difficult when we go to the doctors about anything in that regard. I have tried to get her to understand the terms ie anus vagina groin breasts nipple.
Example So XXXX where do you have pain.....down there ...can you tell me where XXXX i just said down there. Can you point to the pain? Sorry doctor (said with the deepest sarcasm) dont you know where down there is? The doctor and I have this sorted now - fortunately both of us know how to sign the letters of the alphabet it can be a godsend! I just sign the letter a or v and she at least has a clue where she is looking!

Tonight when I was taking mom to bathroom I stood her up and before I could pull her pants down she said "turn around mister and put your toy away". (Whaaat?!) I asked her who she was talking to, "that guy", and what was she talking about "oh, you know, that's what they call their dinker (penis)". Geez, I grew up with 5 brothers and have heard pretty much everything (and repeated before I knew better) so why do I blush when my ma says stuff like that?

oh yes, God loves them. Candy was the first thing my mom wanted this morning for breakfast. She got pissy when I told her she had to wait until after lunch haha! And it was the first thing she asked me for when I got home from work. every morning when I leave for work I give my mom a kiss and a hug and I tell her I love her, I will see her later, and have a good day. Without fail she says to me "I love you too I'm hungry!" I always have to reassure her that the caregivers will feed her while I'm gone. Sometimes when I am leaving I like to tease her. I will send it to her no booze and no boys and stop renting dirty movies they're too expensive". Depending on her mood she will either smile and say "ok" or roll her eyes, act disappointed and say "aw, no fun!". She's quite adorable sometimes.

God Love then that should have read

God lose em Dee. Its these moments that make it all bearable. I just wonder why like your mum my mum can remember something she fixates on for days on end but some things she cannot remember from one moment to the next. I said as much to Mum today and she was quite profound in her response. She said you know when you were young you had all those kites? well thats how it feels. Now to the average person they may think shehad totally lost it but I remember being a child and having a puzzle book where you had to find which kite belonged to which person through a tangle of kite strings. If she feels like that ALL the time then its no wonder she is so miserable. For someone who used to be a bank manager trying to plait fog must be so frustrating.

Finally remembered mom's Easter candy.
Mom: did you bring me candy?
Me: yes.
Mom: can I have it?
Me: how about after dinner?
Mom: ok.
After dinner...
Mom: where's my candy?
Me, after unwrapping and handing to her: here.
Mom: what is it?
Me: a Cadbury egg.
Mom: do I have to peel it?
Me: um no, ma. Just eat it.

Oh the fibs we tell to keep everything smooth. Mum has lost most of her smell and taste and so she really doesnt enjoy food that much. Today we had liver and onions (iron nutrients - see I am good really), Now she likes lambs liver and I like pigs liver and cant abide the softer texture of lamns liver. So I never said a word and presented her with pigs liver and onions. Mmm she said we should have kidney more often. Oh we can do that says I and then left the room before I started giggling kidney indeed!!!!

Mom, age 78: Do momma and daddy still live in the tree?
Me: When did they live in a tree? I only remember the farm house.
Mom: Oh that burned down and a tree fell on it and they decided to live in the hole on the tree.
Me: I guess they aren't there anymore. Last I saw them they were not in a tree. (which is totally true.)
Mom: Are they still together?
Me: Oh yes absolutely. They always will be. (Because they are buried next to each other!)
Mom: Do you ever hear from them? It's been a long time since I've heard from any of them.
Me: Well....(thinking what do I say?! WHAT DO I SAY!!! THINK!!!) Um....
Grandma wants you to know she loves you very much and to make sure to do what the doctor says.
Mom: Oh good.
WHEW. That was a close one.

I called Dad [93] this afternoon, the phone usually rings 12-15 times before he answers it. We were talking for a few seconds when we heard the phone extension pick up and a squealing noise from Mom's hearing aid.... don't know why Mom [97] picks up the phone as she can't hear much at all, then she hung up the extension.....

I started to giggle when Mom did it again a second time a minute later... told Dad if Mom is checking up on who Dad is talking to by sneaking a listen on the extension her hearing aid is a dead give away.... that got Dad really laughing, hadn't heard Dad laugh like that in quite some time :)

I stopped on way home from work to get Ma her favorite dinner. As soon as I said hi she asked me if I got her Easter candy. Oh crud I forgot it! Gonna be an ugly night.

Hmm Dee that will teach to mention Ester. Mum went to church and had an easter egg then she came home and said I dont like that church (like it was a different one - it wasn't) they gave me an easter egg and I hate easter eggs. I just smiled - wasn't much else to say then came the classic. That woman there she must have dementia its your Dad who likes them - I'll save it for him - that could be a long long wait.... he died in 98. I said well I dont think dad likes them any more....Not your Dad you stupid woman ....my husband (ah OK she thinks I am the carer again) How is it they can switch on and off faster than a darned light switch

Mom bought a Paas kit from the thift shop (which I gladly accepted then hid because I knew she'd forget all about it). But, I did make sure I bought her a solid chocolate bunny and a few other goodies. When she insisted on buying the Paas kit, it was a hint of what was to come.

Also, had to buy her an Easter lily to watch.

Well, I'd better take the Easter cards off the counter. Mom just wished me a Happy Easter - she does that every time she sees the cards.

Say, for next year, maybe I'll wait until the day after Easter so I can get the candy on markdown. If I tell her it's Easter, she might not really know the difference. :-)

Mom: did you color Easter eggs?
Me: no, Ma...my kids are grown, so I don't color eggs anymore.
Mom: why not? Do you think the store sells them already colored?
Me. probably.
Mom: if I start walking now, do you think I could get to the store before they close?
Me: Ma, I'll color eggs for you if you want them.
Mom: well, rah-rah-lizard sh*t! I could color eggs too! I just wanted to know if they color the eggs or the shells!
Me: (open mouth, furrowed brow, confused silence...)

Later next day...
Mom: did you get any Easter candy?
Me: (oh sh*t, here we go!) No, Ma. I'll pick some up tomorrow.
Mom: why didn't you get any Easter candy?

Lesson learned. You're never too old for Easter eggs and candy. Guess I'm stopping at the store on the way home.

My mum called me through - for the unpteenth time today when she went to the toilet. I Looked in the commode and was utterly shocked but tried to stay calm. Mums urine was olive green and very very green at that. Apart from the obvious now what? I was alarmed - even I know that it shouldnt be green given the meds shes on dont have that side effect - no amitriptyline; methylene blue; triamterene; Methocarbamol so what the hell is wrong. When I took it upstairs I realised the cause. I told Mum what had happened and she smiled yes I know I don't like those dark blue paper tissues so I used them instead of toilet paper. Raises eyes heavenward!!!! Oh by the way for any of you who do use a commode a bit of toilet tissue in the bottom of the commode makes getting soil out much easier - just dont use dark blue tissues!!!!!

We were on a drive today and passed a sign that said "Dog Park"
Mom - Dog Park? Dogs Park There??

Had a bit of a day when mum thought the poo on her wet wipe was furniture polish ...all sorted now thanks to advice from others zoflora,vinegar, bicarb, almond wood wash and lavender polish. Mums not having a bright day by a long chalk. So having asked her whats up, having put a brand new steam washable mattress (hopsital style) on her bed, in fact having done a total deep clean of her room she said why do you have to stay here all the time you can go home you know. I must have given a weird look and then had to laugh to myself when she said. Why dont you go home and rest .... my daughter (aka me) will be home soon shes not much good but its about time she gave you a rest. I cam back a bit later and she said that carer thats been in today...yes Mum what about her...oh I dont like her at all she never stopped fussing about and I had already polished the room and then the hospital came out with a new bed and she's stolen it ...yeah OK mum I will talk to her. Whatever!!!!

Dee1963, your mom may of meant jacking their jaw. Seen it used for either talking too much or actually hitting someone, but yours was funny.

Sometimes when my mom can't come up with a word she wants to express she will use the first one that comes to mind. Last night she was trying to tell me someone was telling fibs...so she said "those nurses were jacking off". I was shocked for a second then I said "what did you say?". She repeated it and I starting laughing. She realized it was vulgar so she said "I don't know what that means so I probably shouldn't say that word". That made me laugh even harder. Oh, Ma!

Mum is about to have a visit from a memory advisor. Now along with everything else her hearing isnt quite what it was.....He better not touch my breasts she said...it took me ages, because she immediately became agitated of course, to realise she thought I had said mammary advisor!!!!!

When my mom needs something but can't tell me what it is she will call "can you turn me over?". I tell her caregivers she speaks in code, as it usually means she is uncomfortable in some way. This morning she was obviously still lost in a dream, because I heard, "can you turn me yellow, bright yellow?" several times before I got out of bed!

This thread is meant to give us something to look forward to, so if it strays a bit, as long as it's something enjoyable to read, I'm all for it!

A little off-topic, as well, but we watched Carl Reiner (comedian in his 90's) being interviewed on TV a few weeks ago. He said he starts his day by reading the obituaries. If he's not in there, he goes about his business for the day. We all got a laugh out of that, especially Mom. I think she liked the interview, too, because he's still quite active.

For years now, even before Dad's stroke, he would confuse his son (my younger brother) with his brother (look like Dad's twin) because they have the same first name. Every time my brother calls, my dad thinks it's his brother. (My dad's sister, his look-alike brother and mom all died within 6 months.)

Bro called today while I was out. Since my dad's hearing is bad, Dad put the cordless phone on speaker. Fave niece thought it was hilarious the conversation between grandpa and uncle.

Grandpa, "Are you dead?" Uncle tells him no, that he's not dead.
Grandpa, "Why aren't you dead? So, am I dead?" Uncle, laughing, trying to explain that they're both not dead.... after some back and forth normal conversation....
Grandpa, "You're not dead?"

Pardon me if this isn't a "funny" moment….bit more nostaglic...but, I was reading a news article online and at the end there was a link to ancestry so I clicked on it and fiddled around and D*MN.....I found the ship (Franconia) that Mom and Grandmom travelled on (home) from their visit to Ireland....and YES....there they are, lines 26 and 27 of the passenger manifest....Mom was just 3 yo, Grandma was only 29....sadly, I'm pretty sure this was the only time Grandma ever returned to Ireland (after leaving at just 14yo to travel to the US) to visit her relatives and show off her beautiful little girl (there are some great photos of Mom w/a cute pixie haircut in a donkey wagon)....I am thinking I will order the passenger manifest and the beautiful photo of the ship for Mom.....BTW....this was 1925....yes....90 years ago....amazing, isn't it?.....just so love Mom....she's been trooping around the world since she was 3.....still blows my mind.....thank you for your tolerance....again, it's not a "funny", but I have plenty.....Mom's a total hoot, still, guarantee you!