What is the funniest thing your aging parent has said to you lately?

My mother was angry (at me) because she wanted cigarettes and could not have them in the ALF where she lived. She begged me to take her some anyway. After an emphatic no from me one day, Mom said, "Well, sh*t Sharon!" Just the sound of the words and the way she said it cracked me up, and I began to laugh uncontrollably. Mom began laughing at me laughing at her. We both laughed until our stomachs hurt and tears were running down our faces!

Me: I need to use your umbrella to get something out of the car.
Dad: Okay. Just don't get it wet.

Oh, one more. I also have to laugh when I take her to the eye doctor and he asks her if she can 'see' the chart (she has macular degeneration). She's flunked even the big lines, but doesn't know this. So, she 'reads' the chart as if she actually knows what those letters are.

Then when we get home, I'll tell her she basically read all the letters wrong, to which she will reply: "Well, he asked me if I could 'see' the chart, not read the letters!.

Um, then why did you 'read' the letters?

I'm new here but need someplace to vent ... thanks for the opportunity. For about six months now, I've been living with my mom (I'm 62, she's 91) who uprooted me from another state far away from the state I grew up in, and I've been telling my son that someday I'm going to write a book about Things She Said. I see it's all been written :)

My 91-year old mother who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia just said "I'm probably (PROBABLY) hungry...."

To which I replied: "Are you hungry or not"

Mom: Yes

Me: Well, go get something to eat. You ate an hour ago.

Mom: What time is it? (here I have to inject she's shocked to realize she ate only an hour ago)

(Mind you, she has diabetes, has had open heart surgery, knee replacement surgery, etc., etc.) during the past ten years) ... I'm here because she can't care for herself any longer and need to monitor her diet, pills, etc.) She thinks if she does anything for herself, despite my telling her it's not true) she'll have to go to a nursing home.

Mom: I probably need (NEED) Jello.

She walks toward the kitchen, with the gait of dementia affecting her limbs, to get her Jello, which is sugar free) as if 'she won'.

You just have to laugh.

There's also the mantra: "I don't snore", which is another story for another day. Along with "What's the pill for" which I see someone addressed above me.

I was giving my Mom half an Ativan and she asked what it was I said "it will help you sleep" she said "it's more for you than me!, so I won't wake you up early"!!!

All the years I was growing up my mother would occasionally say, "One thing I'm thankful for is that I'll never be an old man." Now that she is 82 and my father is 83, I will remind her of that when she needs a good laugh.

While at the Policemen's Ball last night, my mother was greatly annoyed at the, "Loud women," who were winning prizes in the raffle drawing. To keep her from getting upset, I whispered to her that she will can be thankful she will never be a loud woman or an old man. We laughed the rest of the night.

Mums pjs are looking like a bag ladys! there is no excuse i threw out all the used stained pjs. I asked her why she didnt put on her new pjs she said those new ones are for travelling!!!!!!!!! OK i get it???

My mom was a big reader but she had to give that up in the past couple of years, due to issues with concentration and with memory. She'd really missed-it and she's been a little better, so I thought I'd see if I could find something for her to read.

The first book, a mystery by an author she used to like, didn't keep her attention. But I then found a true crime book about an area she knows.

She's so excited to be reading, again, and excited to recognize the landmarks, she can't stop talking about it. Everyone she meets gets the details of these crimes and how awful they are, and also a side note about how Mom had relatives that lived in the area.

Fortunately, these are not gruesome crimes, but the polite stony faces she gets from people are priceless and I think it's pretty funny. (plus, I'm glad she's enjoying it, but it's a lesson that I'd better not give her anything too gruesome :-) ).

Last night my mother had a doctor's appointment to check her over after a car accident (someone totaled our car a few days ago). She and her new doctor chatted pleasantly, there was some talk about bathroom matters, and then she said "I have a Valentine's present for you!". She started rooting around in her pockets and then said "I'm sitting on it!" whereupon the doctor blanched. When she pulled out of her back pocket an adorable hand-crocheted red heart from Sweden he laughed and explained that his mother is a psychiatric nurse and one day a patient said "I have a Valentine's gift for you:" and gave her some beautifully wrapped poop. Given the previous conversation his alarm was understandable. We just couldn't stop laughing...

Tonight my mum screamed at me "kaz quick i smell GAS" i ran to the kitchen then stopped still............. we dont have gas?
I know am i losing it?

So many things ... this AM when i woke her up she said, what brand of pancakes were those because that was the best nights sleep i've ever had. She kept on talking about the pancakes. We haven't had pancakes since Christmastime. One of the funniest was again ... when i woke her up she said "oh i'm so glad you woke me up ... i've been playing wheelchair basketball all night and i'm exhausted. it is so rigorous going up and down the court".

This morning, I was changing father's pampers. I am terrified of cockroaches. Our cockroaches here are about 1-2"inches and they FLY towards you and not away. And when they are near you, you can Smell them. Filthy critters.

So, as I was changing him, I saw movement in the side of my eyes. I looked down, and saw this healthy black roach. I squealed and jumped away. Father, as usual, cannot understand why I'm terrified of such a small insect.

He said to me with an irritated voice, "Why are you afraid of it? Just kill it!" after a few seconds of pausing, he said, "it's not like it's that big thing with many fingers."

Huh? Many fingers?.. Oh! He means the gigantic "banana" spiders we find once in a while inside the house. (Biggest spider I've ever seen in my life. Takes half a can of Raid to finally kill it.)

when my mother only had days to live and was hallucinating badly i took a ride to a nearby town to get her a haldol injection. it seems that while i was gone mom was wild - eyedly telling the hospice social councillor that they needed to get me in to the va shrink. she told monty " i KNOW im crazy but hes crazier " .
lol, @ boni,
turn on the garbage disposal and give that " rat on acid " a nice slippery bubble bath..

Last night I muttered about feeding the DAMN dog. ( miniature french poodle, 5 yrs old and never housebroken...um, I hate him) Mom turns to the dog and says " Did you hear that puppy? Boni called you a GRAND dog!" I said, "No Mom, I said DAMN dog". Her reply...."you hear what you want and I'll hear what I want" I lmao!

Got another. Mom calls me at least 1x a week because "The TV says NO SIGNAL!" (she doesn't have the cable box on) or "I can't shut it off!" One time she had called, and I was busy making dinner, so I tried to explain to hit the CBL button and then the POWER button to make it go on. I heard shuffling about, and then I hear her from a distance yelling, "Hello? Hello???" She was yelling into the remote and trying to push the buttons on the phone to make the TV work. You gotta laugh. :)

I have to add this. It's not what she said, but it is one of my good memories. My bf had purchased, for my mother, 2 tickets for her and I to attend a play. It was some sort of opera here in town. We get there, both kind of groaning about going, (this was my dad's kind of thing; not ours) and do you know we found seats in the middle front row and the curtains open. This balding, portly guy comes out in TIGHTS singing and bellowing his heart out, and he is staring (seemingly) right at her and me. Naturally, given the fact that neither one of us had an appreciation for the opera, (and the room is DEAD QUIET and full) she starts to giggle. She can't control it. It is totally contagious; I am now sitting there shaking and turning red with tears in my eyes and I felt like I had regressed back into the classroom where someone farts and the teacher is going to give detention to the first laugher. We couldn't stay. After he took his eyes off us (agitated) and carried on with his song/thing, we had to get up after about 5 minutes and try to slip out the back. But there was no slipping out.... we had to walk out in front of the entire audience with our hands over our mouths.

I got one, but it's not from my mom; it's from my dad who died in the hospital after a short stay there with congestive heart failure. They stuck him in a hospice room at the end of the hall, and I couldn't believe it when there was a picture RIGHT NEXT TO HIS BED stating it was a hospice room! (thanks for letting him know, guys...) - anyhow the nurse came in, and here's dad, lucid and sharp as a tack, and kind as ever. And she asked him, "How are you, Mr. V?" Dad answered, "How are YOU today, my dear?"... she smiled and said ok thank you... and again asked him how he was. His reply? "Can you believe I just bought a brand new Corolla 6 months ago... it has less than 1000 miles on it and I never got to drive it!" Dad had a great sense of humor and said this while laughing. He was dead that night.

My mom was always a funny person. As she's started losing her memory, her filters are leaving her. She has become much more blunt and there's no question by the look on her face whether she likes something or not. This causes lots of funny responses.

But the other day, I took her to be interviewed at the local Memory Clinic and the looks on face at some of the things they suggested she might do and their responses -- all were so priceless.

They were suggesting different activities to her and when they mentioning "cooking classes" the most sour horrible look came over her face and she was REALLY glaring at them. It was pretty funny and I had to explain to her that no-one was going to make her cook. She then just looked so relieved -- all of us, including her, got kind of a laugh about that.

mom has been watching the Olympics with me. She was never into sports. She has loved the figure skating, gets sad when they fall, really into it. Yesterday we were watching ice hockey and she said "How do they keep that large white floor clean with those boys running all over it?"

Funniest thing my mum said to me the other day was "im beginning to wonder if you are right in the head?"!!!!! maybe im not?

We recently moved in my 91yr. old MIL from a retirement community. One day while visiting her there she confided to me that someone had stolen all her panties from the laundry room and replaced them with ones that must belong to "some fat lady" .(she is 96 pounds).A few weeks later she cheerfully informed me that her 97yr.old tablemate was quarantined to his room because he had syphilis. It was CELLULITIS. While we were moving her in she came down with a cold and ended up in the hospital for a few days. A nurse commented how nice it was that she was moving in with her son. She replied, "Well he was hell on wheels when he was younger, so it's payback time!" Which is true- we all had a good laugh about this when the nurses told us. Love this little lady-she keeps us laughing!

Toss up, first the other night while she was on the bedside commode for an hour she composed a poem "Ode to a Commode." A close second was when I told her our favorite band is starting to plan a trip to Australia with some of their fans who want to go. She said "Okay you get X number of dollars when I die, put it savings don't touch it and then use it for the trip, just take some of my ashes along so I can say I finally went to Australia." Third She told the author of her favorite novel Outlander that she guessed she'd have to stay alive until July when the new Outlander novel comes out because she'll be pissed if it comes out after she's dead.

I signed us up for a Mindfulness Meditation Class, hoping it would help us cope with memory and cognitive issues. My mother was very excited about it, and as we walked in asked me to tell her more about our "medication class"....

My mother picked out a few Valentines to give out. As she was in a testy mood, I just got them without questioning. When I got back home, I looked them over and found that one of them said, "To my darling wife." I brought it over to my father and told him that he should give it to her on Valentine's Day, and tucked it away for him. So, my mother bought her own Valentine and will never even remember it.

I've been watching for the last 30 minutes the reality show: "BuyingNaked". This is the first time I've watched the show. While watching it, my father has been on the roll complaining about everything. That episode ended, and a new one started.

Just as I'm getting to turn the channel, he said, "Hey, I saw 2 ladies naked. I think I saw them naked. It looked liked they were naked. I tried to see and it changed." I had to explain at least twice that they ARE walking around naked. Everyone living there goes around naked.

He said, "Oh, good. I thought there was something wrong with my eyes."

My mom is in an assisted living facility and on one recent visit my mom,myself and a friend were walking down the hall to her room. While walking down the hall we hear a resident calling for help, help me , help me. My mom says to the closed door No! There was a long pause from the resident behind the door then an answer B**ch, my mom turns to my friend and says well takes one to know one! Both my friend and I laughed. We did stop by the nurses station to get help for the resident on the way out. No worries!

My mom lives next door and we took Christmas to her this year. We all sat in her living room which she rarely uses. I took photos and downloaded them my computer. The next day I showed them to her and she said " where we're these taken " I said your living room "! Lol

my BIL says that i do to much for my FIL so when he (BIL) was coming for xmas i took 2days off. BIL soon learned the ends and out of caregiving but the funny part was when i walked i the room last nit my FIL looked at me with tears in his ,gave me a big hug and said,:i thought you ran away:

my dad sitting ALONE in his room while AVATAR is on in the other room...
Dad-"I think the idea is very believable, more like what the colonists did to the American Indians, it didn't turn out so well for them though... now could you all talk amongst yourselves... I need to sleep."

Brought my dad some coffee from a convenience store he sipped it cautiously and then declared... "it tastes just like my mom's... except she didn't piss in hers"