What is the funniest thing your aging parent has said to you lately?

This morning, I was changing father's pampers. I am terrified of cockroaches. Our cockroaches here are about 1-2"inches and they FLY towards you and not away. And when they are near you, you can Smell them. Filthy critters.

So, as I was changing him, I saw movement in the side of my eyes. I looked down, and saw this healthy black roach. I squealed and jumped away. Father, as usual, cannot understand why I'm terrified of such a small insect.

He said to me with an irritated voice, "Why are you afraid of it? Just kill it!" after a few seconds of pausing, he said, "it's not like it's that big thing with many fingers."

Huh? Many fingers?.. Oh! He means the gigantic "banana" spiders we find once in a while inside the house. (Biggest spider I've ever seen in my life. Takes half a can of Raid to finally kill it.)

So many things ... this AM when i woke her up she said, what brand of pancakes were those because that was the best nights sleep i've ever had. She kept on talking about the pancakes. We haven't had pancakes since Christmastime. One of the funniest was again ... when i woke her up she said "oh i'm so glad you woke me up ... i've been playing wheelchair basketball all night and i'm exhausted. it is so rigorous going up and down the court".

Tonight my mum screamed at me "kaz quick i smell GAS" i ran to the kitchen then stopped still............. we dont have gas?
I know am i losing it?

Last night my mother had a doctor's appointment to check her over after a car accident (someone totaled our car a few days ago). She and her new doctor chatted pleasantly, there was some talk about bathroom matters, and then she said "I have a Valentine's present for you!". She started rooting around in her pockets and then said "I'm sitting on it!" whereupon the doctor blanched. When she pulled out of her back pocket an adorable hand-crocheted red heart from Sweden he laughed and explained that his mother is a psychiatric nurse and one day a patient said "I have a Valentine's gift for you:" and gave her some beautifully wrapped poop. Given the previous conversation his alarm was understandable. We just couldn't stop laughing...

My mom was a big reader but she had to give that up in the past couple of years, due to issues with concentration and with memory. She'd really missed-it and she's been a little better, so I thought I'd see if I could find something for her to read.

The first book, a mystery by an author she used to like, didn't keep her attention. But I then found a true crime book about an area she knows.

She's so excited to be reading, again, and excited to recognize the landmarks, she can't stop talking about it. Everyone she meets gets the details of these crimes and how awful they are, and also a side note about how Mom had relatives that lived in the area.

Fortunately, these are not gruesome crimes, but the polite stony faces she gets from people are priceless and I think it's pretty funny. (plus, I'm glad she's enjoying it, but it's a lesson that I'd better not give her anything too gruesome :-) ).

Mums pjs are looking like a bag ladys! there is no excuse i threw out all the used stained pjs. I asked her why she didnt put on her new pjs she said those new ones are for travelling!!!!!!!!! OK i get it???

All the years I was growing up my mother would occasionally say, "One thing I'm thankful for is that I'll never be an old man." Now that she is 82 and my father is 83, I will remind her of that when she needs a good laugh.

While at the Policemen's Ball last night, my mother was greatly annoyed at the, "Loud women," who were winning prizes in the raffle drawing. To keep her from getting upset, I whispered to her that she will can be thankful she will never be a loud woman or an old man. We laughed the rest of the night.

I was giving my Mom half an Ativan and she asked what it was I said "it will help you sleep" she said "it's more for you than me!, so I won't wake you up early"!!!

My 91-year old mother who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia just said "I'm probably (PROBABLY) hungry...."

To which I replied: "Are you hungry or not"

Mom: Yes

Me: Well, go get something to eat. You ate an hour ago.

Mom: What time is it? (here I have to inject she's shocked to realize she ate only an hour ago)

(Mind you, she has diabetes, has had open heart surgery, knee replacement surgery, etc., etc.) during the past ten years) ... I'm here because she can't care for herself any longer and need to monitor her diet, pills, etc.) She thinks if she does anything for herself, despite my telling her it's not true) she'll have to go to a nursing home.

Mom: I probably need (NEED) Jello.

She walks toward the kitchen, with the gait of dementia affecting her limbs, to get her Jello, which is sugar free) as if 'she won'.

You just have to laugh.

There's also the mantra: "I don't snore", which is another story for another day. Along with "What's the pill for" which I see someone addressed above me.

Oh, one more. I also have to laugh when I take her to the eye doctor and he asks her if she can 'see' the chart (she has macular degeneration). She's flunked even the big lines, but doesn't know this. So, she 'reads' the chart as if she actually knows what those letters are.

Then when we get home, I'll tell her she basically read all the letters wrong, to which she will reply: "Well, he asked me if I could 'see' the chart, not read the letters!.

Um, then why did you 'read' the letters?

I'm new here but need someplace to vent ... thanks for the opportunity. For about six months now, I've been living with my mom (I'm 62, she's 91) who uprooted me from another state far away from the state I grew up in, and I've been telling my son that someday I'm going to write a book about Things She Said. I see it's all been written :)

Me: I need to use your umbrella to get something out of the car.
Dad: Okay. Just don't get it wet.

My mother was angry (at me) because she wanted cigarettes and could not have them in the ALF where she lived. She begged me to take her some anyway. After an emphatic no from me one day, Mom said, "Well, sh*t Sharon!" Just the sound of the words and the way she said it cracked me up, and I began to laugh uncontrollably. Mom began laughing at me laughing at her. We both laughed until our stomachs hurt and tears were running down our faces!

When we went to visit her at the nursing home Feb 15, mom told us about her new roommate. She said "she's so old" well, mom will be 95 Mar 8 so that made both me & Richard laugh. In reality Janet is a couple of yrs younger than mom LOL!!! We still have yet to meet her although it's only been a couple of days that she's been there.

CNA: giving afternoon pills: Mr Jim, why isn't your bed made?
Dad: I don't know how to make it. Do you?

Dad: Im leaving this place and Im never coming back. (Walks out the front door).
Dad: I think Ill wait till it warms up a little.

I asked mum what she wanted for dinner? she replied " 9 oclock". I asked her again louder " 9 oclock now leave me alone"???

Mom says she needs to go home -which means live on her own for she can take care of herself. She is always angry. One day I suggested she cook her own food, if that will make her happy. She was hardly eating at some time. I noticed that only a grapefruit she had eaten that day. I asked her if she would like me to continue cooking for her. Well, there is no other way for me to get food, she said.

I was talking about someone who had cooked beans in a full pot of water and afterwards poured the water down the drain. She served the beans for dinner.
My 84 year old mom with Alzheimer's aghast with unbelief and her face screwed up said: It is better she had thrown out the beans and serve the water.

Mom loves to fold washed laundry. And she has a drive: to roll clothes items into one another. And also while folding put away some. Almost a year later I found some of my underwear rolled in items that are no longer used and one in her suitcase. All those months I had been wondering why I had less undies.

The house where my mom and I live is situated in a similar way as a former house she lived in. In the beginning she would just walk out of the house to go to visit her friend. Mom believes it is just about crossing the street and walk into a road and turn left and she is there. Quickly shutting up the house to run out and catch up with her as she will get lost. Several times she did not find it. But I am to blame, because I walked all over the place except straight to the friend. I offered to let her lead a next time. We walked for almost two hours, passing other neighbourhoods far away. Nothing could get her to turn back. I said to her eventually, Mommy you wanted to visit your friend. She answered, Yes, but I am not going to visit her any more. But we left the house with that intention, I said. Mom said, Yes I wanted to visit her, but I am not going again. My sister calls this selective Alzheimer's.

You used to be cute.

I took my mom to the ER a couple of weeks ago for low blood pressure. She was receiving intravenous fluids in her right arm and a blood pressure cuff was on her left arm. She asked a few times what everything was for and I answered her each time. Finally she said (because it hurt to bend her right arm and the blood pressure cuff was tight on her left arm when it took a reading) "If there's nothing wrong with me now there will be before I leave." Cracked me up........ :)

Our son had flown in for a visit and our daughters 2 youngest kids were here...7&9...we were sitting at the table eating dinner when MIL (91) said her napkin was wet (used it to wipe her nose) handed her another which she used for the same thing then turned to me and said I have something for you and put the dirty napkins in my dinner plate at which point she said "I hope you are finished eating"...to which I replied "I am now"...son and grandkids thought the whole thing was pretty funny...

A family fun day was scheduled at the long term care center where my father in law is staying. Dementia has changed his mood and demeanor. But, he was so excited that family could come and eat with him. We got excited too and were looking forward to dining with him and conversing. We got him through the cafeteria line and helped him settle in at the table while we went to get our plates of food. We got back to the table and he was already finishing eating. He wiped his face, pushed away from the table and wheeled off. I guess eating with him meant just that. Eating. And now he was done. So, he left. I hadn't even taken my first bite. Sometimes, you just have to laugh.

Mum said we dont need a cleaner as youre here doing nothing??? i know GRRRRR "brown paper bag and breath".

Mom and I went to the bank to open her new account in her new city. She stopped to say she had a question:
"My daughter knows all these things to do (changing address, getting a new bank, etc...). I don't know all this. If I didn't do this, could I be arrested?"

The banker and I both responded that that wasn't going to happen. I added that the state probably didn't watch for people to sneak-in from other states all that closely. Mom didn't seemed especially worried, more curious, I think. I wonder if she was hoping for a little excitement? Who knows...

This last week I got to see my mom after eight months. She was in her wheel chair and I stood in front of her and started singing and swaying my body. She went to get up and I assisted her. I kept singing and swaying now with her. She stopped and said nice boobs. This has been the last thing she has said to me so far. It was great I laughted. My mom has always had nicer boobs and said while an adult she didnt know what happened to me that I didnt get the nice boobs she had. I do now. smile.

I accompanied my parents to the local policemen's ball. It was buffet style (everyone dishes their own food), and we went through the line without any problem, but when we got back to the table, my mother only took about four bites before she began glaring at the food like it was the enemy. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "It's ridiculous that they force all this food on us. It's way too much to eat."

Mom can get very nasty verbally sometimes. One day I was trying to make her take her morning meds. She goat angry and called me an A$$----. She looked down at her pills and then at me and said " Did your parents really name you that ? "

Took mom to Ihop today for the pancakes. Told the waitress 2 stacks of pancakes and two coffees. The waitress checked and said the same thing to make sure she got it right. All of a sudden my mom said loudly, I am not a prostitute! She didn't hear pancake right.

In the car today a song came on the radio, Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Free Bird." Mom was making comments every now and then....she grew up listening to 50's music, not 70's......anyways, towards the end of the song there is a lot of fast guitar playing......finally she says "Free Bird?" (she was questioning the title) "Sounds like they're choking it to death." I started laughing and she's looking at me saying "what's so funny?" I said "you." Then she started laughing with me.....funny moment........