What is the funniest thing your aging parent has said to you lately?

Bookluvr - tell dad that witch hazel is a bigger deterrent for bugs than oil. I swear I read something that bugs eat oil.....wink wink, nudge nudge.

My dad's hospital bed in the livingroom is located near the window and exit door. On the wall near him, we have framed family pictures. One photo is a collage of smaller photos of the family (me and my siblings and their kids). The other photo is my dad and his siblings. His younger sister died several years ago. We taped her funeral photo keepsake also on this wall.

When the home care nurse was here in this past weekend, my dad said that's his daughter. Now, let me tell you this, Aunty N does Not look younger than her age. So, the nurse looks at the wall, has this puzzled look on his face - as my dad continues to talk about his daughter Catarina.

Finally, the nurse couldn't keep it in. He turns to me, and whispers, "Is that your sister?"

I chuckled, and replied, "No, that's HIS sister!"

My mother was upset one day and said "Oh! IF only my daddy were here, HE'D understand". (Grandpa died in 1963). I wasn't feeling very charitable that day and said "Holy COW! He'd be 117 years old! I bet he would be furious to still be alive!" Mother replied "But then he'd understand how hard it is to get old."

We gave mom Christmas gifts yesterday. She looked upsaet and said, "but i can't write anymore"...meaning thank you notes.

Mom is confused and wakes up asking if it's Christmas yet, all week. She asks me, "Where is everyone, is it ok if I eat?"

My dad is so adorable. He loves to be a jokester, but on this occasion, he was being serious. First of all, my dad is 79 and is not computer or phone savy. He doesn't do email or go online. The only thing he knows about Twitter is what he sees on tv.

I recently asked dad for my aunt's address so I could send her a Christmas card. He started reading it to me from is address book. I guess he was trying to be current and he read it this way:

Aunt Jenny and Uncle John
1123 hashbrown 158 Highway
Camedon, NC

It's actually 1123 #158 Highway. Oh daddy. He cracks me up. Hashbrown...hashtag....what's the difference? lol

I started to laugh. Daddy asked why and I said it was just something I saw online that morning.

Well, this is questionable--but I was at the cemetery where daddy is buried, putting some poinsettias on the grave. (I know he's not "there") I apologized to him once again for having him buried next to Grandma, as they didn't get along really well, but he died in Jan. and they dug in the wrong plot--we'll move him when mother passes--and as I am arranging the flowers I say "Oh, Daddy, Mother is driving us nuts. Can't you please come and get her?" And, clear as day, I heard him say "I don't want her!". I must have looked like a demented person, laughing so hard kneeling on a grave. That's exactly how daddy talked.
(I know he loved mother, but she did drive him crazy).

My dad likes xmas music. For the past couple of the days, I've had the TV in the seasonal channel which is playing 24/7 xmas songs.

After a while, dad said angrily, "I don't want to listen to men sing! I want to hear women singing!"

"I've always been your mother, father, and best friend."

It's just 12:20am and Dad's ready to go to bed. He said, "Goodnight!"

I was just about to say 'Goodnight' back to him. When he said again, "Goodnight, Irene!"

I replied, "I'm not Irene."

He continued without pause, singing, "Good Night, Irene. Good night, Irene. I will see you in my dream...."

{eyes rolling} And here I thought he was saying goodnight to me!

Sis got dad for xmas a winter cap, zippered Calvin Klein sweatshirt with hoodie and some other stuff. When he gets haircuts, it's shorter than the military haircut, almost bald. So, I thought it was a perfect gift that sis got him the cap. (He has several.)

Just before going to sleep for the night, I asked him if he wanted the cap on.
He replied, "No, it will cover my head and make me bald."

Bookluvr, I had to chuckle when your Dad said "Goodnight, Irene" as that is an old song going back to the mid 1930's and was sung by many famous singers over the years, including Frank Sinatra. Then it became a cute way of saying goodnight to someone over those earlier years :)

My dad used to sing very well, even the high notes . Now, he forgets the lyrics and sings so out of tune. Whenever he sings a new song with limited lyrics (he'll sing that verse repeatedly), I would google the phrase and then downloaded to the kindle. When he sings it again, I turn on the kindle music to prompt him with the rest of the song. I will admit I never heard of that song until he started singing it.

I just asked daddy if he had made any New Years resolutions.
He answered, "No, I'm perfect."

Mother goes to Bingo twice a week There is an elderly gentleman (92) who is brought there by his daughter. He sat by my mother (86) and showed her some attention (I'm sure, just chatting) and when she told me about it, she said "Well, he's only after one thing!" I said "Your money? He's in for shock!" and she said 'No, he's just after S-E-X". I about fell on the floor, laughing. She was adamant that he was trolling the Sr Center for "chicks".

After spending a day in the ER with my cousin and her broken arm, I called her the following day at her Memory Care unit to see how she was feeling. I said, "How is your arm?" She replied, "I don't know how they are doing, but, I'm just fine."

Mom stayed up so long today, that she forgot what room was hers. I directed her to her room and she said I am so glad you didn't give me the blue one, this one is so much nicer. She has been in that room 6 years. I just hugged her and said 'Good night."

Not a funny story. But the logic behind his action.

I'm watching dad stuff napkins into his front pamper. He wears a catheter.
I asked him,"What are you doing?"
He replied, "The napkins to hold the pee."
I responded, "You don't need the napkins to hold the pee, that's what the pamper is for."
He said, "The pamper is not holding the pee."
I replied, "The reason the pamper is not holding the pee - is because you pulled down the pamper. It's no longer covering you up."
He replied, "I know what I'm doing!"

Yep, he knows what he's doing. He now has a large lump of paper napkins on his lower belly, below the 'bikini line'.

It is not funny is it Book? It is really very sad how your dad, and my mom and all of those with dementia just plain do not understand and even if we try to explain something to them they just cannot process the information. And they become so angry over so many things because they do not understand. I guess that is why we all need to choose out battles, what is really worth raising someones anxiety over? We all fight so many battles through our lives, we need to learn there are just some that are not worth it.

Guess I woke up a bit philosophical this morning. Better go back to sleep.

Doing a crossword with Mom and the clue was "What goes best with Chicken a la King?" Her answer: "Chicken a la Queen"

One of the funniest comments my Mom made was one time when she was in the hospital. You know those little plastic devices that connect the tubing. They are usually yellow. Well one of them had fallen off and my Mom put it to the side. When the doctor came in later to check my Mom's urine output. My Mom said in all seriousness thinking the doctor was looking for this plastic thing. "Oh are you looking for something yellow?"

We all had a good laugh. My Mom didn't know what we were laughing about but it was cute and funny.

Even before his stroke, my dad always did his best to avoid going to the clinic. He once had pneumonia but refused to go to the clinic/ER despite the pain. He finally caved in when he couldn't breathe periodically. Finally went to the ER and his left lung was nearly filled with fluid. That's just giving you an idea of how much he hates going to the doctor/clinic/ER.

I got a call from the Medical Transport about his appointment this Saturday. They needed directions to our house. Appointment? I had to call the Home Care office to find out that they have set up an appointment with the podiatrist. You see, for years, he's been complaining about his toenails and painful toes. He enjoys complaining to the home care nurses about his pain, and how Incompetent they are for not helping to relieve it. All weekend, he was lambasting them for not fixing his toes. I kept telling him that he needs to go to clinic for that.

So, they finally made the appointment with the podiatrist - without telling any of us. Whoopee. I get to be the one to break the bad news to him as soon as I got home, at 7:00pm.

After much going around about why there's an appointment for a foot specialist, there was silence.

He finally said, "My toes are not hurting anymore. It's fixed."

I asked suspiciously, "How was it fixed?"

He replied, "J cut the hole bigger on the shoe's toes (cloth zippered slipper). Now my toe is sticking out. See, no more pain. I will call tomorrow to tell them that my toes are okay and I don't need to go to the clinic."

My dad thinks that sneezing twice in a row is the best medicine for your body. He really hates it when he only sneezes one time and I sneeze twice. I would sneakily watch him when he sneezes the first time. His whole body goes still while he just lays there - waiting for that 2nd sneeze. Most times, it never happens.

Tonight, he just sneezed one time. He waited for a while. Then he muttered, "Why limited?" Just a few seconds after saying it, he sneezed hard the 2nd time. He cheered after that.

"Is it tomorrow yet today?"

Mom told me yesterday that she had taken a bath recently (I'll have to confirm with the NH staff, she often tells me things that haven't happened!). I told her that must have been nice, because I knew it had been a long time since she'd been able to relax in a tub - she always has showers. I asked if they had to use the Hoyer lift to get her in, and she said no, she just walked in. (Again, have to check on that - I haven't seen any walk-in tubs!)

Then she said, "The bath was so nice! And everything just floats!" (This said while indicating the area of her chest....) ;-)

When I was growing up, I heard a lot of cuss words from dad. As I grew older, he was curbing his cussing. Well, just the bad words, not the 'idiots, stupid, etc...' ones. Lately, he's back to cussing with the F-words, etc...

He's slowly forgetting words. I know it's not funny (to him) but his favorite cuss word (thank goodness it's not the F-word!) is 'bastard.' Except he's forgotten the correct way of saying that word. So, despite his getting so angry and cussing me out, I can't help giggling every time he says it (which pisses him more because while he's getting mad at me, I'm giggling because it's so cute!)

So.... "Behave! You Bastid!"

Today is moms 96th birthday. Steve and I wished her a Happy Birthday at breakfast. She asked how old am I. I said 96. She looked at both of us and said she was living with crazy people.

My dad asked me how old I was. I didn't answer. He asked again, this time asking if I'm age 25. I said,no, that I'm 50. He replied, "50?! You're not 50!" I told him that I'm getting old and that's why I keep complaining about my back pain. He replied that my back hurts because it needs massaging. After a while, he said, "You cannot be 50 years old. Maybe 40, but not 50." Hmmmm. There goes my ego...what happened to age 25???

This didn't come from Mom, but from one of the CNAs that works with her in the NH. She has a couple of girls there that are just a riot - incredible sense of humor. One of them was getting mom into and out of the bathroom while I was there one night, and asked Mom if she was ready to stand up off the toilet.

Mom: "Yes, I'm ready, but I'll need a wipe job"
CNA: "Well hop up and gimme that booty!"

Both Mom and I laughed *so* hard....it was just the way she said it. LOL

So much of the past year with Mom has been awful. But once in a while she will give us a chance to smile a little. Mom refuses to stay put, keeps trying to get out of her chair. She has a velcro alarm belt on and the nurses say she keeps undoing it and setting off the alarm.
An aide told me after about 5 times she had undone the belt and sent her running to keep her in the chair, the aide said to her "you are wearing me out, every time you take the belt off". Mom simply said "Oh, it was an accident". Dementia and all, the "lie excuse" is still in operation. Yep, that's definitely Mom still in there.