What is the funniest thing your aging parent has said to you lately?

My dad was laughing like a scary maniac - he he he. Then he changed his laughing to another laughter - ho ho ho. Then he changed it to another laughter... I asked him, "What are you doing?" He replied, "I'm laughing to the others" (sees invisible people.)

I replied, "Oh really?"... I then joined him with , "HA! HA! HA!....Ho! Ho! Ho!..."
He continued with a wicked laugh "He! He! He!" Then a Santa's laugh, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

We both ended up laughing.

I returned home after running some errands. Here is my conversation with dad.
Me: What have you been doing? Dad: Watching porn
Me: Daaad! Dad: What's the matter? I know you and Steve (husband) watch it too? (Insert me and Steve laughing) Dad: What's funny? Me: We do not
watch porn and I can't believe you are watching it! Dad: I like porn star. Me: Porn Star?
He just shakes his head and walks back to the bedroom to watch TV.
About then the commercial ended and guess what comes on?
Pawn Star!

Visiting Mother the other day. She swears her hip is "just killing her" but takes ONE 325 mg Tylenol a day and says that helps tremendously. Good. She said she can't get Lortab anymore--well that's true, but it requires a "hard copy" from the dr. I suggested she ask for Tylenol 3. Said it has a low dose of codeine and would maybe help the pain. Drs don't much prescribe it anymore. I take it for post surgery pain from this year's back and foot surgeries. It's pretty mild, really. Mom used to eat those like candy, literally 200-300 a month all the years we lived at home. She innocently says "What's Tylenol 3? I've never heard of that!" I had to leave the room I was laughing so hard.

My mom fell and broke her wrist last week so I had to take her as well as my dad with dementia to the emergency room. Needless to say.. I had my hands full with both of them at the same time. We are waiting in the emergency room for them to admit my mom for surgery for her wrist. My dad is always wanting to go back to his house on the lake. My Dad casually turns to me and says.. Do you think you could drop me off at the lake house real quick? (which is 90 miles away) :/

So my great-aunt is sitting outside on the porch, and tells me she wants to sweep all the leaves off the porch. I tell her that she's not steady enough to do that, and that I don't want her to fall on the concrete and break a bone. Of course, she says she couldn't break a bone just by falling on the concrete, and anyway she's perfectly steady on her feet.
I said, "No, you're not. That's why the doctor said you have to use your walker." Then she said, "That's what the doctor prescribed, not 'Tom' (her son she lives with)!"
I was just like, wut? Seriously, I just don't understand how they can't reason even remotely logically; it's so frustrating!

Called Mom as I do everyday. She will be 94 next month, moderate dementia, wheelchair-bound, living, for 1 year now, in a lovely, small ALF I found thru the local ALZ org.....she can no longer manage a phone, so I have to call the Nurses' Station and have them bring her the phone....I don't necessarily know where she is when they bring the phone to her, sooooo....Last time I called Mom.....
Me: How are you, Mom?
Mom: Oh....fine....just fine....
Me: Wonderful!.....where are you ? (meaning where in the facility....your room....public area.....activity area, etc).....
Mom: Well.....right now, I'm in a Nursing Home.....
Oh dear, dear, rip-my-heart-out dear....LOL.....

my mom makes me laugh almost everyday! she has the best attitude and is a joy to care for. i will try to remember some of her funnies and share them. she always tries to hook up my single daughter who is 23 whenever she is in the hospital. lol. we do have challenges, but overall i am so blessed!

when mom was in rehab recently she said, "If they serve me chicken one more time i might just run down the hall screaming!" this is pretty funny cuz she could not even get out of bed. she is so much fun!

I'm changing dad's pamper. I just finished cleaning his left side. Transferred all the cleaning supplies to his right side of the bed. Then I tell him to turn around. Because I had rolled up the waterproof pad and the liner behind him, he struggles with the turning. (Sometimes I try so hard not to laugh. He reminds me so much of an upside spider with his arms and legs waving in the air as he gets 'stuck' on his back while trying unsuccessfully to turn to the other side.) So, I rush his right side, and help give him a push to his side.

When I did this, I couldn't help it, I squealed in surprise. And exclaimed, "You poo!"

He responded, "I poo? I didn't feel it."

I replied, "I just finished cleaning you on the other side and there was no poo. Now there is."

After a few seconds of silence, he solemnly said, "It's a secret poo."

This is a wonderful topic! It's really good to laugh about our situations.

Since my Mexican father moved in with me 5 months ago, I've tried VERY hard to make him homemade Mexican meals using the old family recipes every couple of weeks. I've knocked myself out to make sure all the ingredients have been of the best quality - frequently going to specialty stores and to farmer's markets to ensure the best tasting, freshest foods. I even had a friend come over and teach me how to make flour tortillas by hand.

After 5 months of dicing and slicing and mashing....My sister & I took Pop to a doctor's appointment together. She wanted to take us to lunch after his appointment, so she asked Pop where he wanted to go. His answer? "Taco Bell." Really???? So we went, bought him the 3 tacos for 99 cents. He took a bite and says "Now THAT'S a taco - delicious!"

I think my chin hit the table.....LOL.

A couple weeks ago I took both my elderly parents on a 6 day trip so my Mom could attend a family reunion. We were on the road for four of the days and both my parents have problems with continence. Mom has more control but Dad can get soaking wet. He is a fastidious man and very proud. Rest room stops were frequent and time consuming as Dad insisted on going in himself. My husband would check in on him to make sure all was well. One time was taking longer than usual so my husband peeked into the stall and there Dad stood, stark naked. Still, Dad said he was fine.
Needless to say my husband was a bit alarmed so he asked Mom if she should go in and check on him. Mom was nonplussed and said "no he's OK" "he takes his clothes off so they don't get wet"
Huh?! I was about to pursue the subject but I realized I would probably be stepping into a rabbit hole. Instead I just took a few deep breaths.

My Mom just told me she spoke to God last night.. She asked him if I'm going to hell because I'm not always nice to her..

I told her next time she speaks to him to ask him "why she can't remember stuff"..
And if she talks to him again I said " please tell him I have a lot of questions for him"!

Also she said he was a white man with shoulder length gray hair, no beard or mustache and he wore dress slacks and a regular shirt!

Ha! She just jumped up and said she pee'd her pants.. She said "you gotta change me"

I said "oh no I don't, remember you told God I was the mean one.. Lol

Don't worry Assandache, most people when talking to God will be telling Him what to do and say about other's salvation. Your mother is no different, and I personally get a real kick in the funny/cute bone from seeing her try to manipulate God to put you in your place. Lol. God sees you in a more loving and generous way, imop.

What is your Avatar today, is that a calendar, because I cannot read it, but am interested.

Finally I can give everyone a "funny" because the past ten years Mom hasn't laughed or been funny. Her first day in the nursing home, Sis sat with her and explained she has to eat to get stronger (because Mom never eats). Mom said "I don't like the food here". (automatic response everywhere she has been) Sis says "you haven't had a meal here, you just got here". Answer "oh" "Well, I didn't like the food in the other place" Sis "it was wonderful food, I ate with you several times" Answer "oh, well I didn't like the food in the other place before that one" Sigh!

Oh Amy that is something I understand only too well. While Mum doesn't like eating the food I prepare the same cannot be said of cake or biscuits or jelly babies which she will consume in huge amounts....if I let her.

However my mum is a prude not given to using foul language nor tolerating it in others. Imagine my shock today when she told the vicar (who brought her home) a joke.

She said how do you know which jelly babies are illegitimate? He said he didn't know to which she replied you tip up the bag and all the b£$%^ds fall out.

Now mum has zero sense of humour, can't remember what time of day it is most of the time yet somewhere deep in her psyche laid this joke. He had the good grace to laugh, more likely at the horror on my face. Then we both smiled in appreciation that somewhere inside that brain lie cells that are still linking together albeit in a very haphazard way.

Due to poor circulation, I rub lotion on Mom's feet and legs often. After finishing one foot I asked her to give me the other one. She said "now where did that thing go?" What thing Mom? "My other foot"! It took her a minute but then she was able to laugh at herself.

ohJude: I live in fear my mother will say something inappropriate and politically incorrect. At 100, she is of the "old school of predjudice" and I'm praying she does not insult any of the very wonderful people taking care of her. It would be so embarrassing! As you say, they don't know what day it is, can't remember five minutes ago, but they do remember events and things from the past. Mom also quotes the poem "trees" by Robert Frost - every time she is outside, she admires trees and recites it. Its so sad.

I was watching the news, and Obama came on. Dad said, "There's the President!" Paused. Then asked me his name. I said, "Obama." He replied, "That's a funny name."

An hour later, the news show Obama. My dad exclaimed, "There's the governor!"

My dad hates going to the clinic or the ER. I was able to persuade him to go his appointment 2 days from that day. I started panicking when sis called me that the clinic called and postponed his appointment to next week. I knew that he will do his best to get out of the appointment.

Today, the clinic called to remind him of his appointment in Tuesday. About 10 minutes after he hung up, he said, "I'm dying. I don't need to see the doctor."

A few weeks ago when daddy was in the ER, I was hovering over him and putting extra blankets on him. He looked at me and my stylish nail polish and said, "It's so cold in here her nails are blue."

My father, who lives with me and happens to be the most negative person on the planet, started talking about the daughter of a high school buddy of mine recently. My buddy and his family came to a party I had at the house about a month ago. His daughter, who is 18 had purple hair, a short black skirt, ripped leggings and black boots that came half way up her calf. She came with her nerdy bow tie, suspender wearing boyfriend. They were adorable and engaging people. Two days after the party my father said, "James' daughter was sure a piece of work." T asked what he meant by that and he said, "Well, if she had normal hair and dressed better she might be attractive." I told him she's not trying to be attractive to an 82 year old man and that I'm sure her boyfriend found her plenty attractive. He said, "You mean that sad example of a boy she was with." Dad saw the look of sadness and horror on my face and new he'd gone too far. Deciding to soften his harsh commentary he said, "I don't mean that in a bad way. It's not his fault he's scrawny and ugly." (Sigh) sorry, I guess that's not very funny.

Mom came out of the back of the house and said to me, "Is there anyone else working here today?' I said "no". Then she said, "Miss, I would like a light lunch." I said "Yes, mam" She said "Aren't the flowers beautiful today?" I said "Yes, mam". She said "Isn't it a beautiful sunny day ?" I said "Yes, mam" She then said "I like you a whole lot." I said "I love you , too." And then I about fainted, she said I would like my bath now after she ate. She was ushered to the shower so quickly, she didn't have time to take it back.

Kayfray I am sorry I just roared with laughter when I read suspender wearing boyfriend . You see I am in the UK and we call those things braces. To confuse matters we also call teeth straighteners braces too. Suspenders over here have two meanings they either hold socks up (if you're old school and usually a very elderly man and I mean VERY elderly or they hold stockings up - I think you may call them garters although we too have garters but they are single elastic bands that will hold the stocking on one leg up (so yes you would need a pair unless you want to look very odd!)
The difference between Americanisms and Britishisms can be a nightmare. You see we don't use the word fanny for bottom or in slang terms bum (its a little further forward if you get my drift!) so when someone asked me in the states if I had a fanny pack I was confused . I could only assume it was some sort of slang for a sanitary pad. So I said I am sorry I don't use them anymore. We had a rather convoluted conversation as to why and when I said I had had a hysterectomy so I had no use for them the penny clicked with her. She hooted with laughter and explained. Fanny packs are what we in Britain call bum bags. I could have done with that pad I nearly peed myself! Two countries divided by a common language. We wear pants under our trousers you wear panties under your pants. You have stick shift - we have manual cars. You say backhoe we say JCB weird old world

Jude, for years I didn't realize that braces was a British term for suspenders. So when I would read The Hobbit, in the place where it says, "He stuck a thumb behind his braces and blew out an enormous smoke ring." I thought it meant that he stuck his thumb behind his teeth braces and that that somehow helped him blow a smoke ring. Lol
Another one that confused me was jumper, because here in America, a jumper is a pinafore dress.
I love how cookies (U.S.) are called biscuits (U.K.); especially chocolate biscuits. It sounds really delicious.

Leah I have to say viva la difference. I do love some of your word. Gotten is probably my favourite. Although very Old English word we don't use it now but I do. Love it. You have developed words with mean. we have pavement - you have sidewalk so even if you don't know what the words are, you could work it out. we have spectacles you have eye glasses ....ditto....the same of course isn't true for everything ...backhoe makes me giggle

I just said to my Mom

"Today is Thanksgiving, I'm going to be busy so NO complaining from you"

She said in her childlike whine "I'll try"..

It's the most I can ask for!!

Yesterday, Thanksgiving, I watched with joy as my mom watched the Macy's parade. Then I remembered how she and my dad were always like that. Brought back my childhood. As I got the meal prepared, she said she wasn't hungry. We made a rather large plate of food for her. I said just eat what you want. She cleaned that plate, then went and laid down. She still isn't up. :)

Since dad's stroke 3 years ago, he has never cleaned his inside ears. He's 24/7 on his back - refuses to lie on his sides - even at nights. He also has this idea that if he puts olive oil in his ears, the bugs (spiders, roaches, etc...) won't crawl into his ears when sleeping. His hearing is affected because of this.

The home nurse decided to flush his ears. Which was today. Dad did his best to be stoic but... he kept complaining that it hurt. The nurse kept flushing it because so much wax was inside.

Tonight, Dad said, "The doctor shouldn't have done that."
I asked him, "Done what?"
He replied, "The doctor shouldn't have poured water into my brain!"

Forgot to add - the nurse quietly told me that the oil had solidified inside his ear. So, it wasn't just the ear wax but the oil residues he was clearing out of dad's ears....