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You just have to laugh sometimes.....


Some of my recent favourites are:


"I had a terrible night last night. I had to stay awake .. until I went to sleep" (said several times over, with greater emphasis each time, because of course if you repeat it, then it must make sense.)


"drinking water causes gas, so no water, and no salt, cause salt makes you drink water"


"the toothpaste took all the enamel off my teeth in just 3 days!"

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Mom keeps saying to me she should have her head examined! (because she is suffering from daily headaches)..
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For the past 2 days, mom has been sleeping, waking only to sip some broth or water then falling right back to sleep. Just now, she opened her eyes and asked me how to tell if a shrimp you are going to cook is bad.
We live in Cajun country along the Gulf Coast and enjoy a lot of seafood so it seems a logical question.
In her earlier years, mom was an excellent cook. I wonder if that's what she's dreaming about... I hope she is making a big pot of gumbo.
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From my hoarding mother in law......what do you consider junk mail?
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I'm afraid of heights and have vertigo. Dad's favorite clock's battery died. So, I dragged the wooden bar stool to the wall, had to spend some minutes getting 'unscared' of the heights. If I looked up, vertigo. If I looked down, fear of heights. So, I had to stare straight and reach up with my right hand that was holding the wall - which took several tries since my hand refused to leave the wall. I finally got the clock off the nail, off the stool and put a new battery on.

Overconfidence was my downfall. I got back up on the stool, smoothly put the clock back on the nail. As I was getting off the stool, dad told me that it's crooked. I looked up real quickly to verify it. Yep. So, looking straight, I reached up to adjust the clock. I let go. And then I felt the clock hit my forehead and then smashed onto the floor.

I yelped, "My head!!" .. Dad saying over and over, "You broke the clock!"... Me with "My head!" ... Dad, "you broke the clock!"

I finally said, "Never mind the clock! It hit my head and it's hurting!"
Dad paused. Then said, "Your head!.... You broke the clock!... You broke the clock!" .... okay... Now I know where I stand in Dad's value system.
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My home is just under 2 miles from my parents' place. Before I moved back in with him, Dad would call me when he was shopping so I could be up there to haul his groceries in and put them away.(we ate lunch and dinner together several time a week and I did the cooking) I got the call and was at his house waiting for what seemed like an hour. I finally drove down to the store and found my dad in one of those powered carts, and a store employee transferring his goods to his car. I joined in and quickly finished loading his car. He kept telling me that they had it managed, go about my business, yada yada. He got in his car and headed for home and I was right behind him. As I brought his stuff in, he was sitting at the kitchen table describing some big guy, surely a criminal trying to steal his groceries, he wanted to check everything off against his receipt. I told him 3 times that it was me.... not some criminal, but he didn't believe me. I finally gave up and handed him the receipt so we could check every off as I put it away!
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My husband keeps thinking I am his Mum. The other evening he fancied a glass of wine, and when I said I would like one too, he told me I didn't drink! Then, he asked if I was going home. I said that I thought I would stay here. "So where are you going to sleep"? he asked. "Well, I usually sleep with you", I replied. He gave me a very old fashioned look and then said "Well, that hasn' t been for many years! There is a bed in the spare room!" So, not only was I banished to the spare room, I wasn't allowed a drink either!! It did make me laugh.
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Same exact thing happened to me except it was for a grilled cheese sandwich. We are not alone.
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When it happened, I didn't think it was funny at all. But in retrospect, I just shake my head. I fixed my Dads breakfast, we ate, and after washing the dishes, I went back to bed. I woke up to Dad yelling help! help! and rushed into the dining room. Dad was smiling when he told me, 2 pieces of toast with apricot jelly please! I quickly reached the boiling point, but now, just laugh about it.
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My cousin sent a picture of him and his boyfriend in a letter to grandma. Grandma said his boyfriend ugly. Then she forgot. Poor guy was called ugly about 6 times a day for a week.
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My father moved into assisted living last year. He is not known for his hygene. He was shocked when he found out that everyone there was expected to change their clothing EVERYDAY!
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onlyacaregiver....now THAT'S a new one! LOL
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OMG! OMG! I love it. I'm peeing my pants laughing! Awesome medicine!
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Oh I got one. My mom just started to use depends. The other night she asked me why do I have 2 different kinds? I said you don't. She said yes I have one with two holes to put your legs in and one with one hole to put over your head. I said show me. She raised her shirt and put her arms in the legs and had cut open the bottom with scissors and put it over her head. She wanted to know how it was going to catch her urine? I laughed so hard after I helped her out of it and got her straighten out. She still insist there are two different kind.
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When my father was 96 years old he needed to go to a rehab facility.  The rehab was at the Jewish Home for the Aging. He wasn't very happy about going there.  He told me he didn't think he was going like being Jewish. He was Catholic.
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Some years ago my mother's parents from PA were visiting us (mother, father, sister and I) in NJ for the holidays. A few of us were watching TV one evening when my grandfather got up and said "Well, I guess I'll go to bed." I laughed, and said out loud "Now WHO goes to bed ten minutes before midnight...on New Year's Eve?" I figured one either ignores the occasion and goes to bed earlier (which I often do) or stays up to midnight to see the new year in!
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This column has to become a regular feature! I laughed until I cried, which I needed during this stressful time. My mother believed the proper fit of "foundations" was critically important. Her last words to me were, "My, your bra is magnificent". I still laugh about it. And...because she died at Christmas time her minister asked if he could include a prayer for the holidays. When he intoned that Mom was having Christmas with the King, our daughter exclaimed, "Grandma's having Christmas with Elvis!" That certainly broke the tension.
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My FIL's dementia has been getting worse lately and he says some doozie's. Yesterday in the living room he sat in his usual place and looked at the floor. "What the heck is that thing?"
Husband and I look around but see nothing amiss. "What thing?"
"That thing. That black thing there."
Husband: "You mean the dog?"
"I don't know what the heck that is, but it's not a dog."
"Don't you remember Cate? Cate's a dog."
"That's not a dog."
"She is a dog. She's a poodle."
"Poodle?" He looked like he was starting to get it.
"You remember Cate, right?"
"I remember Cate. But what the heck is that?"
He'd just awakened from a sleep, so this was unusually bad for him. An hour later, he was giving Cate pets, but Lord knows what he thought he was petting.
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Trying, that's just too funny. My mom would have said "10 lashes with a wet noodle" - a popular saying in our family.

My ex-husband's mother lived with us until he moved on to "greener pastures" with another woman, forcing her to move in with her other children. She was in her 70's, diabetic and had poor balance, but darn if she wasn't forever getting up on chairs to put something on the wall or put something away in a cabinet. She was spry, but she scared the heck out of me.
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My siblings and I have been trying to reason with Mom not to go down her cellar We are worried she will fall but she insists she is fine. This is really pissing off my sister who is not a patient person and hates being told no.

So, today I was visiting my folks and I went down to do some laundry. I could not stay long enough for the dryer to finish so I told Mom I was going to dry the clothes on hangers upstairs. I was worried she would try and go down to get them after I left. Mom said with a scowl "Oh I'm not allowed to do THAT anymore, I'll get 60 lashes if I do!" I started to laugh and then Mom cracked up too. it was a nice moment.
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Mom,96 with dementia, was watching TV with me. An ad for Monster Jam came on with all the roaring motors and the cars and trucks bouncing all over. At the end she looked over at me and said "What the h*ll was that?"
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The funniest thing that my husband said to me was asking the same question four times in less then 5 minutes . " What day is this ? " I said Thursday . ( 2 min. later ) What day is this ? I said Thursday . Less then 2 min. WHAT DAY IS THIS ? I said Thursday !( becoming impatient ) ... What's the matter with you ?? He looks at me says " Nothing's the matter with ME ,you're the one who said it four times! "
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While taking my mother shopping, she commented about how a cell phone tower was all decorated for the Christmas holiday.
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I gave dad 2 small pieces of Reese's Peanut Butter Mini Cups.
Afterwards, he said firmly, "Those candies are no good for you."
Puzzling over that comment, I realized what he was up to.
I asked, "Why is it no good for me?"
As he was thinking it over, I exclaimed, "You just want the whole candy for yourself!!"
He started laughing.
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Oh, gosh, mother again. I asked her to come to my house for Tgiving dinner, I am only having 5 people over. She hemmed and hawed and I said "what's the problem Mom, we can get you up the 6 stairs." "Well," she said, "I really want Eric to ask me. They have the twins and I never see them." (My niece had twin boys 5 months ago, via IVF (try explaining the dynamics of IVC to an 87 yo woman---just don't!) So I called my brother as I knew he was not planning on having mother this year. He sighed, hugely and deeply and said "She's been here every year for 4 years" I told him that wasn't MY problem, and said I was sorry we didn't have any twins to trot out for her. I did tell my daughter (the one whose family is coming over and she busted out laughing "MY kids aren't a big enough draw?? They're AWESOME!!" Yep, and they're loud and my mom knows it. No worries, brother does all the cooking and mom isn't likely to see the twins during the holidays so this can count as their "visit". The filter is very thin with her.
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Lara
My 73 year old brother doesn't mind my 93 year old mom either - she still says he drives her crazy
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In response to my 69 year old brother going deer hunting which he has done for 50 years now and my 87 year old mother did not want him to go (He has no business going; He's going to get shot) when I explained to her that I thought it would do him good to get away with his buddies (he's not in the best of health either) she then said, "Well, I told him he shouldn't be going. I don't know why he won't mind!" I nearly fell over! She honestly thinks of her senior citizen adult children in terms of "minding" her. I told my brother and now we have a good laugh telling each other that we should "be minding"!
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My dad doesn't like to be alone by himself despite my turning on the TV or the radio. Within 5 minutes being alone, he will continually call our names, on and on. I hate rushing to shower because of this. Tonight, I repeatedly told him slowly that I'm going to shower. No need to keep calling. I will be showering.

My final words, "Remember, I'm going to shower."
Dad got this mischievous look and replied, "Do you want me to scrub your back?"
I was grossed out and said, "Eeww!"
He started laughing....
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My mom was living in Assisted Living was in the ER with a UTI. The Doctor comes in and asks my mom what's bothering her today. My mom goes on to say that her her table mates (the three women who sit together at meals) don't eat their vegetables and they don't eat everything on their plate. The doctor looks at me and we both had to struggle not to laugh. Then as time went on,my mom told me she wasn't going to work tomorrow, and I should call to let them know she wouldn't be in.
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I was helping mother sort her pills one day and she had one huge one that I said "what in the world is that? you could choke on it!" "Oh, that's my calcium. I can't not take that! That's why my bones are in such good shape!" I looked at this poor thing, bent in half with osteoporosis (dr said putting her new hip in was like screwing the pins into chalk) and didn't comment. I don't know if she was being funny or really thinks she has the bone density of a 16 yo.
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That reminds me of a time when we were eating at a restaurant with my aunt, this was back in the days when salad bars were new and trendy. Aunt looks down at a mixed green salad that had tiny salad sized shrimp in it and gasped "there are grubs in that salad!!" Well they do kind of look similar... LOL
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