Frustrated Daughter!!!

Dear Debbie

I am a full time caregiver to my Mother age 82 and Father 84. My father has stage 5 altzheimer's. My Mother suffers from back pain and manages the pain with pain meds, pain patches and PT. My brother handles their finances for them. My younger sister does nothing and sees them when she feels like it. I do hire in a caregiver once a week to relieve me. She does not bathed my dad though. I do that. I suggest you get a better caregiver who can speak and understand English. Who is willing and able to help with meals. Sounds like you need more help. Can they afford it? Someone to do the housecleaning...maybe help take them to appointments. How do you feel about nursing home especially for your father who has dementia. Is he bad enough yet? I mean if you aren't okay you will burn out and noone will be able to look after their welfare or take care of them. Good luck there are no easy answers. I wish you all the best as I do even for myself.

Cindi - encouraging to know others are going thru the same thing. This lady is there 24/7 and all of the caregiving services employ the same people from this country. My dad was in a convalescent center for 2 weeks last year and cried everyday to go home, and his mind actually got worse during that time and never came back. He said they drew their hand back and threatened to hit him. I don't trust those places. At least he has someone just for him there. I just don't know why the simplest things are so difficult for the caregiver. I've told her more than once to bathe him gently because his skin's so thin. I've called her supervisor too. I'll just keep reminding her. I've gotten more assertive in the last year when it comes to his comfort. At first, I was afraid to complain, but realized they're paying good money (5,000 a mo.) and should abide by our requests and wishes. And my mom being constantly angry with her, for no real good reason doesn't help. Thanks for listening/reading...I wish the best to you and your family too!

Debbie - Has your brother given you a reason for not helping? What does your mother say about him not helping?

Dear Caring4Alice: Thanks for your comment. He is really oblivious to what's going on. He has a wife who is very able to support the family, so he's "Mr. Mom," His boys, ages 4 and 10, are in school full-time now, he lives an hour away and could come by at least once or twice a week and it just doesn't occur to him. I'd still come every day, but he needs to spend time with them. I came out and asked him to come over last month to take our Dad to the barber and he came assuming I was driving them there...He had no room in his car, so I gave him my keys and he and the caretaker took him. I could have taken him, the point was I wanted him to have one on one time with him. Pardon me but....duh!!! The man is 50 years old! Get a hint!! My mom says he's just busy with the boys. I don't think he wants to deal with it. My Dad hears more from my 29 year old blind son who lives 3 hours away!!! Do I sound angry, frustrated, or selfish?

Angry and frustrated – rightfully so! Selfish? Far from it. I’m truly amazed how often I hear that the one who gives the most gets all the complaints (personal) and the siblings who don’t carry their weight are excused.

Wow! I can definitely relate to what you're going through. We, as caregivers, always get the bad end of the stick for some reasons. I deal with my Mom's finances and my brother begs, and borrows but never pays back - he's a leach. But yet my Mom feels that I am doing her wrong and taking her money. I pay her bills and get her what she needs. Now I have had to lock down all of the accounts so that my brother can't get to the monies, and I am really a B_ _ _ ch now.

You have EVERY right to be angry and frustrated, because they just don't get it. The one's that take care of them are the one's that they hate, and the one's that rip them off and don't care about them are the one's that they love.

You're right, you Cindi both. My mom got on the scales today and has lost 10 lbs. I said, "see, I told you you didn't have to worry about eating too much." She said, "well, I haven't really eaten anything that was very good." I just said, thanks. She thinks she's being funny, but I lay in bed at night wondering what I can make that'll make her happy. My Pop seems to appreciate it more than her, not that I expect praise, but don't cut me down. I'm gonna bring over a case of tomato soup and call it a day, lol. No, I won't. As far as finances, it kills her she can't see to take care of her own. I'd love to get out of that part of it, but I'll be damned if I'll turn that task over to my brother. He'd rip them off in a heartbeat. He's already asked for part of his "interitance" to buy a car. I told him no way, that Mom wouldn't go for that, but I think I already said that before. We all just have to keep our collective chins up and plug on. Thanks!

I feel your pain. My mother has dementia and broke her back twice in 3 years. She is now in a wheelchair. She lived with my husand and family three different times. I put her in the Adult Day Care Center while I worked, would then take her to pt 3 times a week, go home bathe her and do everything else a mom and wife does. My sister lives 2 hours away and does nothing but comes and sees her when she feels like it. I finally had to put her in a nursing home. She is very depressed. I go see her every day, deal with all the finances and it is very hard. It is very stressful mentally and physically for me but I can't stop. Who would see to it that she is being taken are of. I feel alot of guilt and shouldn't

Sunnyday - you are in the same boat as I am, as far as trying as hard as you can and getting no support. We want the best for our parents. Today, I noticed my dad stares at nothing...I've noticed it the last couple of days. He got up, on his own at noon and went to bed. I covered him up and that was it. He thought it was midnight. He got up a couple of hours later with the caretaker and by then I'd gone home. It's sad to see this.

debigm423 How was your day? I have just collapsed after working and dealing with issues at the nursing home where my mom is. Don't get me wrong. It is a very nice nursing home, clean, and alot of good staff. I go everyday and they know to expect me. There are a few bad apples out there but with the bad experiences we have had with the last two I can say that I know mom is safe and being taken care of. It is very sad to see your parents decline. My mom worked up untill the age of 72 and then two of her best friends died within monthes of each other, and mom just started spiraling down. I am just mentally exhausted and I know how you feel. Talking about it seems to help me alot and to get suggestions from others. Keep me posted and I will keep you in my prayers. Sunnyday

Sunnyday, my day was okay. I do have a brand new great niece as of yesterday. My dad's new great granddaughter. I'm sure he'll never meet her. We're iin VA, they are in NC. I need to find a nursing home - nice one - for my dad, and maybe my mom eventually. It's so hard to manage their finances and ours too. She used to do all of that and can't anymore because of her blindness and constantly wants me to read every financial document to her. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers too. Try to have a good week. Debi

Hello Sunnday and Debigm423. I hope that you're having a wonderful and blessed day today. I was thinking in terms of handling our parents finances and I have found that on-line banking helps me a great deal. I have registered my Mom's checking account with online banking so that I can pay all of her bills online.

None of us want to place our parents in a nursing home. But when it gets too hard, and you have your own family to deal with, sometimes it's best. I am blessed on one hand that my brother and his wife live with my mother, but on the other hand I am not blessed because I have to block all of her money and her accounts. Otherwise, he'll just go through her money. With that, I am the villan in the family.

In all of my dealings with this, me and my husband decided to get Long Term Care insurance because I don't want to put my kids through what we're having to deal with with my parent.

I hope that you two have a wonderful, stress free day.

Margaret

Hi you are in a tough situation no question about that... Is it possible to find a differant caregiver for your folks. Check with the home care nurses at your local hospital they often know of people. I also understand your frustration with your brother however mine happens to be a sister. She claims I hover over my Father. I really don't I am concerned about his falling and the many other issues with someone his age. He is 83 blind in one eye diabetic and has been in atrial fib for over a year. I would encourage you to try some in home respite. It is amazing how some people can't cook isn't it. Do you have a senior center or congregate meal site available. Our hospital does meals on wheels for folks and so does one of our nursing homes. You might check to see if you have and Area Agency on Aging. They can be a good resourse for you... take care Debbie a friend in Iowa J

Thanks to all of you who yourselves are having a difficult time, to take the time to give me advice, I appreciate it. Meals on wheels was suggested, but my Mom doesn't want to spend any money, and really isn't that interested in food. They both eat very little. Three meals a day, but small amounts. Something funny too, I shop for my family and theirs, so often I think I have something at home and it turns out to be at my parents' - and vice versa. Trivial, but somewhat amusing. There are certain financial things occurring with them that, truthfully, I am not qualified to manage. I definitely need support to take care of their finances, so I can concentrate on their health, welfare and their home. Every caregiving facility I've checked with, employs people from Ghana....and that's it...and the facility we employ is about the cheapest at $160.00 a day!!! I called another facility and told them my woes and the lady said, "well you get what you pay for." They charge $240 a day. I just feel alone in this, until hearing from you all. Not to sound like a whiner, which I'm sure I do, but I have a 29 year old son who lost his vision to diabetes 6 years ago, and I'm stressed because we're waiting for him to get a kidney/pancreas transplant. He lives with his fiance about 2 hours from here, but that's always on my mind. I feel like running and hiding from everything sometimes, but of course, would never do that. My husband lost his business and we're so financially strapped, it's hard to find the gas money to get to my parents, much less buy groceries. My mom gives me money sometimes, but I hate to even ask for any money from her. Okay, I'm done. Calgon, take me away!!!!!!

Hi ladies

I hope everyone had as good a day as they can. I am glad that I don't have to mess with my mom's finances. I only pay her rent from her social security check. She sold everything a long time ago. It has been a rough week. I am so glad that I found this website because it is nice to talk to other people in the same situations. We can vent together and get and give suggestions. Have a good weekend. Robin

I know that there are not any easy answers... Tomorrow I have to take my Father to the VA for a check up. He is blind in one eye and does not drive now... If my Mother drives by the time they get there my Dad's blood pressure is in the stroke range... Tomorrow my Mother will be 81 so Dad insists we have to take her to lunch. Bless his heart after 60 yrs he still loves her... Debbie my Dad's blindness is a combination diabetes and medications. take care everyone and pray for patience... I do believe their are guardian angels for caregivers!!!

Wow, do I feel like a rotten person. My sister has been caregiver for my parents for 5 years now living out in the middle of nowhere away from everyone. She is going crazy and has no life. I want to move my parents next door to me. Give my sister her life back. But she seems to be reluctant, maybe afraid. I don't want to hurt her anymore. Any advice?

Thegarvins, I would advise you to stop the feet dragging, take your sister to dinner and let her know that you are willing to help. Make out a plan where, maybe you can get your parents one week and she have the the other week. Or help her in finding someone to come into the home to take some of the burden off. If she does't want them to move next door to you, then that may be the only alternative until she's comfortable with the move.

We must take action, as talk is cheap and we need to add more value to our talking by doing it.

I'll be praying for you.

thank you for the advice. the weekly thing wouldn't work. they live 5 hours away and they won't travel. they have a housecleaning service come in once a week. but, my sister is isolated down there. literally! they live on 5 acres in nowhere land.

Thegarvins, I am sure that there are health home care agencies that work the area that can come out and cook, clean, care for your parents. This will give your sister a break.

nope - my sister has exhausted all avenues. besides, i think she needs more than a break. she needs her life back. she is going crazy.

What city and county does your sister live in? There must be something that can be done.

yeah - for $250.00 a day! none of us can afford that.

Not even between your parents retirement and SSA?

Yes please help your sister if even for a short time a few days or a week. Respite care is available in most areas too... Check and see what there is in your area. Caring for an aging loved one is difficult emotionally and physically. Let us know how things are going. take care J

I am extremely hurt, bitter, angry and resentful. My mother has been talking bad about me to her friends. It's so hurtful and I know that I need to move on, as I am doing what's best for her. My brother spent $30,000 of her money in a one month period, with nothing to show for it. I now have her other monies protected and I pay her bills. She gets $1100 from SSI every month and should be able to live off of that since she doesn't have a mortgage payment. My brother and his wife lives with her in her house and they are leaches. They don't have any rent to pay, but yet can't pay her property taxes that's due every six month. My brother is a drug addict and the seeds that my Mom has planted in him have grown to be nothing but garbage.

They are financially abusing her, but I won't allow her to get to the other money that I have in a savings account for her. Therefore, I am the villan.

I know that I have to die to self, in order for God to heal me and in order for me not to take this personal. It's so very hard and I am trying to get on track with this.

Family is something else and can be your worse nightmare.

Looking for support outthere. Am a part time in home caregiver. Why do your people you work for, don't seem to care if you are sick? Don't they know we are human beings and have needs too? What do you do and how do you handle this? I am going nuts dealing with it! I am on disability and provide in home care as a backup for my cousin, and friend who is disabled, but able bodied enough to feed theirselves and dress theirselves, yet they dote on me to do everything! Like pick up a tissue if they drop it, or drop what I may be doing at home, just to take them to the store or doctor! Like my friend won't drive her car to her appointments, expects me too. Gets mad if I don't. My cousin, she has no car, uses public transportation if I can't take her. Gets mad if I don' t have the gas to take her. I say she should use public transportation unless it's at a last minute thing or if she is sick and needs to go right away. I don't have a problem with that. Other wise if my son has a appointment or band concert or something she expects me to do for her first then him, I feel my son comes first unless my cousin is sick and needs to go to the doctor or hospital, of course I would take her. I have trouble keeping my life balanced between all this! Am I wrong to feel this way! If I am someone please tell me! I love my cousin and my friend, but I feel used and abused so much! Help!

Nana, you have every right to feel the way that you do. You are a human being and must be respected as such. They are taking you for granted and taking your kindness as a weakness.

Of course your child comes first, there should be no question about that. Don't allow them to put you in a guilt mode.

You must put a stop to this - take action. You'll need to step back and only do when it's absolutely necessary for you to do so.

Are you being paid to be their caregiver? Even so, you should still be treated with respect and allow them to do the things that they are capable of doing on their own. If you're not being paid, and if they have Medicare or any other supplemental insurance, you need to see about getting paid.

Mq, read your earlier post. Yes, you are in a bad position. Especially if your mother is being influenced by your brother and his wife. They might figure that they are the ones who take care of her seeing they live there with her. You are the big bad wolf with the money strings. Your own mother might also see you being in the "power position" and agree with your brother. Could she be put into an assisted living facility or a private home where they board and care for the elderly? This way brother couldn't live with her and would have to be self responsible and all the money could go to your mother's care. If this can't be or won't be done then you are responsible for your mother's money, care and future. Need to stand strong. Afterall if all the money is gone who do you think will be caring for your mother...not your brother for sure.

Good Luck!
Cindi

Thank you Cindi. I needed that confirmation.

I just saw a book entitled "Elder Rage" by Jacqueline Marcell on another post. She said that we have to start start setting some boundaries and use behavior modification, which will be very effective.

She said that we first need the “Jacqueline Marcell Emotional Shield.” Put it on every day and then don’t let anything that they say bother you. Allow all of the negativity to bounce right off you. Then after they make a nasty comment, or do something out of line, say calmly, “Oh Mom or Dad, I love you, but that wasn’t very nice to say. You know, when you are ready to talk nicely to me—I’ll be back”. And then just leave the room. No arguing, no yelling, no attitude, just set your boundary EVERY time.

If you do this enough, they'll start to get it. And then most importantly, when they are being nice to you, be sure to acknowledge it, give compliments, throw in a gentle touch, hug or kiss—and you will be sure to get lots more of that behavior.