Just need to vent, feeling overwhelmed.


I am caring for my mother she has Parkinson's she is married to my Step-Dad he is always on his computer and I cook for him also and serve them both I am a full time caregiver have been for about 5 1/2 years. but 4 years of that time it was just in the winter then I would go back home and work.Which was 7 hours away including a ferry ride. But not last winter but the one before my Mom ask me to stay along with my partner he was okay with that but now he cannot find work so we are in a bind I receive little pay from my Mom we are in debt and quickly sinking. Sometimes I wonder if I am able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and out especially her nagging and religious taunting I said oh my goodness the other day and she went on and on how goodness mean's God and I am saying his name in vain my Step- Dad does some things to help but needs constant direction it's just more handfuls of stress my partner and I pack up and close our house down a year and a half ago and we are in our motor-home on my Mom's property I have siblings that live an hour away once I ask my sister if she could help me for a couple of hours like vacuuming because my back was in pain she freak out and said that our Step-Dad's daughter can come and do it I just said no worries I was hurt because it was me who needed the help? Today was rough I had to clean mold in my motor-home in the bedding area when I was on a break I went into the house to get something out of the dryer and my Mom is going on about a hand towel for her husband I said Mom your laundry is all clean and folded and he can get it himself I am busy and it is my break I was very frustrated when I said it then she was mad at me and wouldn't talk to me or tell me why she was upset so I said sorry for being impatience but man what is wrong with them just go to the freaking closet and grab a hand towel I am not a slave.even if I am trying to have a bodily function she is calling me then I hurry there is so much more I could wright a book don't get me wrong we have good times together but they are stressing me to my limits and I am feeling guilty and having resentment. Help with advice and reassurement.I also suffer from OCD and Fibromyalgia Myofascial pain syndrome neck and back accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Yes seen my doctor and on med's

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Thank you all for your advice my Mom has always cater to her husband so did his ex wife and his Mother my Mom does not have dementia yet thank goodness but she is always making sure I feed him or what kind of food My Mom nag's so much it's not funny and last night after the issue with finding the hand towel she was mad at me and wouldn't tell me why so I apologize for being impatience and then she was all smiles yep!

Wait a minute. Your mother has Parkinson's, your stepdad is healthy, and your mother is freaking out because your healthy stepdad won't go to the closet and find a hand towel ... and YOU feel guilty? What's wrong with this picture?

Well, one thing that may be wrong is dementia. It is not unusual for persons with Parkinson's Disease to develop dementia. If that is going on here, it has a big impact on the caregiving strategy. Next time she has an appointment with the doctor who treats her PD, contact him or her ahead of time and mention your concerns. If dementia is in the picture you may need to rethink the situation.

Another thing that can be wrong is there are no appropriate boundaries. They are treating you as a "slave" and you are allowing it. Loving someone does not require being a doormat. Being related to someone doesn't mean you have to share their life philosophy. Mother may think "goodness" means "God," but you do not have to subscribe to her believes. If she is mentally healthy you should be able to say, "Well, I don't share that belief, Mother, but for your sake I'll try to remember that you do." If she is not mentally healthy, that is another matter.

The other thing that might be wrong is that you are doing too much with too little help for too long. Grandma12 is absolutely right about scheduling breaks.

Based on my own experience, I think you should start by contacting the Social Services Department of your county. Ask for a needs assessment on Mom. She may be eligible for certain services designed to keep the impaired elderly out of nursing homes, such as meals-on-wheels, homemaking (cleaning and laundry), and perhaps even some in-home companion or helper services. The social worker may suggest applying for Medicaid.

It sounds like you can't count on your siblings or step siblings to help you. But you cannot continue to do this alone with no breaks. Find help elsewhere. Social Service Departments typically know of county programs but also volunteer services in the community and other resources you can tap.

You mention you and your partner are living in a motor home on your parents property. What does your partner do? Come up with a game plan. You need a break. I would suggest one day a week and one weekend a month. Take a walk, go on a picnic, draw, write, start a blog, do something inexpensive that gives you a break and brings you joy. You live in a motor home, go enjoy. Let the siblings know the arrangement. I would also suggest you both look for jobs near your home and let the other siblings help for a while. They will be more appreciative when they have been in your shoes. Tell them you are leaving at the 5 year mark and now it's there turn. Consider you and your partner getting an education to improve his job skills. You are burned out and being taken advantage of. You need respite care for your parents. Your community may have something to offer. We feel your pain. Good luck.

overwhelm, I hear you, gf. Vent away. I know the situation you are in and don't have any good advice. My mother watches religious TV in the morning. I start my mornings listening to John Hagee, Billy Graham, and whoever else is on. As people get older and closer to death, some find comfort in listening to preachers. I guess it helps to assure them that they aren't going to hell.

Isn't it strange how we can feel so guilty when we are actually doing what needs to be done? Sometimes I just want to say, "You are out of line" to my mother. When your mother was angry because of the towel, she was out of line. And you ended up feeling the guilt of her being out of line. It is expected of us, but I don't know why.

I've learned not to even mention it to other people, because they say oh, your poor mother feeling so bad. The only advice I've gotten is pretty much buck up, you're doing fine, you'll get your reward one day. Now don't bother me with this. (Wow, I'm venting, too. Isn't it great to have a place where we can without people going to the default position of sympathy with the elder?)

I saw something the other day on FB about the difference between a friend and a best friend. Paraphrasing -- a friend is someone who will lend a shoulder when someone does you wrong, but a best friend will skip along beside you with a bat, saying, "Someone's gonna pay." I think all us caregivers could use a best friend. So vent away. You haven't done anything except be a good daughter. Personally, I get tired of feeling like a bad person for taking the blame for things I'm not guilty of. Grrarrr.

Would it be an option to lease out your home for a 6 month- 1 year to supplement what your mother pays you? Your parents seem able to see to some of their needs just fine. Can you get them to hire a housekeeper to do laundry, minimal cleaning, and precook their meals for 5 days? This would free you up to work a local full time job and you would care for your parents on the weekends. Just suggestions...you sound cut off from society!

What you feel is caregiver burnout. Overwhelmed. Asking for help and not getting it. Very common here, look around. Remember the relief you felt when Winter was over? You need some of that now. You need a 9 to 5 instead of a 24/7. Find a way back to that.

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