I’ve been away for weeks and haven’t seen my grandma since I’ve been back. Step mom texting my fiancé the usual “grandma is fading fast” that we’ve been hearing for years, “her tumours are really aggressive, she’s barely eating, barely talking.” Same stuff as always, maybe she’s a little worse every day.

I guess it’s impossible for them to have known if any of the previous times grandma has been poorly were the real end of her life. But they were all false alarms. Now they want us to take this one seriously, so we are going tomorrow.

My my dad is praying that she will be released from her suffering soon. I’ve been wishing that for a long time now. I’m sad that she may die, sort of. But what hurts me more is that she is taking so long to die, given her surroundings and her loss of everything she loved except 2 sons. I think her passing would be a mercy.

I cant understand why God would allow this woman, who never harmed anyone in her life, was a good person, to suffer as she has, imprisoned in this broken wreck of a body. God, if you’re there, call her home for pity’s sake! Or You’re a holy jerk and You don’t care at all and screw you.

ALSO, while I’m ranting: if long life is a product of the wondrous advances of modern medicine, I’d say it’s a blessing and a curse. I like fact that ill people can be restored to productive good health. But I do not at all think chasing after longer lives is an inherent good whatsoever. Nice if you’ve got the health, autonomy, and wealth to live with dignity into your 100s. For me, seeing what I’ve seen and reading on this forum, I hope fervently I have a way out before I get so infirm.

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You make such wonderfully valid points. I don’t think anyone could disagree with any of your remarks.


Hazel, I understand! My poor mom (and all of us girls) went through the "it's time" repeatedly. It's exhausting. She went through a lot and she would say she was ready to go, that she wasn't afraid of death. When she passed, yes, there was grief, but just as much relief.

As to her lingering, I echo AlvaDeer. There is no proof of god.

I'm wondering if she, subconsciously, is fighting death. Has anyone talked to her about if she has anything unsaid, or any task she wanted to fulfill? Is there someone she wished to talk with? Does she have any regrets? My poor mom lingered, but thankfully her dementia caused her to finally forget her son's (my brother) betrayal of "borrowing" from Mom the life insurance benefit after our stepdad passed away and then he never saw her again. For years, she wept over "what did I do?" It was heartbreaking how he broke her heart. Surprisingly, a week before she passed, she brought him up! She and I talked about it at length, to her satisfaction, how it wasn't her fault, but his shortcoming and his loss to hide. I suspect this hidden pain made her linger, then when she finally resolved herself to it, she passed.

Has anyone talked to her, when she's at her most aware, of her funeral and her remains? A will?

Have you all told her you want her out of her pain? That you all will help each other through the loss of her? That it's okay for her to let go? About previously passed family members who will meet her spirit?

Hazel, I would have to agree with you. I think some times we see our LOs and think that they are worst off or are not doing well when in fact, they feel fine on the inside. It is our perception of them, but may not be their reality!

So true, I understand your frustration. It's unnatural that folks live way beyond what God intended, due to chemicals invented by mankind. Plenty of suffering to go around. I hope grandma passes peacefully when she wants to go. Take care Hazel

I agree with you that it would be a mercy.
It is now up to FAMILY to assist in making the end of life as peaceful as possible, to offer palliative care to Grandma and not prolong her life but keep her comfortable. The medical industry will do exactly what grandma or her family under Power of Attorney tell them to do.
As to God, I am 77 and I have not for a single second of my life, in any foxhole I have been in (and I have seen more than a few) believed in God. So I guess I am missing the gene. No God that I could ever even BEGIN to believe in would assign someone to suffer. If you have noticed, all things suffer, all things thrive. And I guess someone religious would thing that to everything there is a season. I was a nurse all my life. I saw people have to live so long they returned to a fetal position, legs all drawn up and muscles contractured keeping them in that position, fed by tubes when the family demanded it. Almost like the full cycle back to the womb.
I am so sorry for the pain. But it is a part of living. And I hope grandma had a wonderful, long, productive life, with much happiness, and little pain.
Hugs to you. If you are a believer, then pray for her gentle deliverance into the arms of her God, and an end to her suffering.

Thank you cwillie!
as it turns out, she’s doing great today. She was sitting up in her wheelchair outside the nursing home with my dad and her caregiver, and she spotted my fiancé and I from 100 yard off and was waving and grinning from ear to ear as we approached. Had a great 30 min visit.
I wonder now, who am I to say her quality of life is or isn’t good?? Maybe she’s happier and more at peace now than when she was more able bodied?
I think I need to stop wishing and hoping and being angry about what I believe is her reality, and just accept the moments for what they are.

I think there are a lot of us who can relate to everything you have said. I'll pray for peace for your grandma.

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