Exhausted...

I suggest professional help to comb out the details of why you are choosing an abusive parent over your own family. Guilt belongs to felons. You aren't one. If you are grieving her aging, then join the club. It is very worth grieving. You have described to us a very abusive relationship; and then you have told us that you have chosen that over your family this holiday. So you are clear in your own mind the choice you are making, and it IS A CHOICE. If you continue in this choice you will lose your family; and likely that is for the best for them as they should not have to relive the cycle of abuse you have been through. The Forum is here to advise and we aren't experts in mental health. So I would advise that you avail yourself of the help you need. I am so sorry for the abuse you endured but the thought of paying it forward on your own children isn't comforting. I wish you the very best. Make professional assistance you New Year resolution.

This has all happened because you have allowed it to happen. Just because she is your mom, doesn't mean that you can't say no. You say that you are not close to her by any means, so why put up with her nonsense? You say it's out of guilt, but I would beg to differ. Guilt is for someone who has done something wrong. From what I read from your post, you've tried to be there when she needed you, at the expense of your own family. That's your first mistake. Your immediate family must always come first, then if you want, your mom. Time to set some much needed boundaries with your mom, and probably sister too. And time to get your life back, and your marriage. Best wishes.

These type of women take up mental space inside of our heads. THAT is really the worst part of the whole mess, even after you figure out how you're going to release yourself from the burden of care you've undertaken. How to get rid of the mental chatter that goes on inside your head. That's the definition of guilt, I think.........the thought process we go through. The wondering/worrying/questioning.........all of it. I wish I had a great solution for you on that little issue, but I don't. I deal with the mind chatter myself, and have been my whole life. It truly sucks.

Anyway, it's time to disengage from being your mother's caregiver & whipping post. Offer to help her find a nice Assisted Living place she can move into and if she says no, wish her well. She may 'want' things to be a certain way, but don't confuse 'wants' with 'needs' which are two distinctly different things.

I want to win the lottery. I need air to breathe. See what I mean?

And just in case she calls and asks you to drive across town again to take her to the hospital, call 911 and give them her address.

I NEVER take my soon to be 94 y/o mother to the hospital. I always have the ALF call an ambulance, and if it's not a real emergency, I have them say it's 'non emergent'.

Best of luck!

You are an adult. Why are you letting your 'mom' rule your life? It really is as simple as saying "NO". My father was the same way....totally terrified of making his mother mad. So she got mad? What could she do to him? You have to get away from that mind set. She doesn't get to tell you what to do. And if she is unhappy...that is on her to fix.

It took my MIL telling my Dh she 'wished he'd never been born, wished she'd had an abortion rather than birth him, wished he were dead, wished he'd never brought me into the family because since I married in, she hasn't had a calm, happy day...' (46 years ago)...and it goes on and on.

DH has not been the object of his mother's wrath, but last year I walked out on her and refuse to have ANYTHING to do with her, she's so toxic. DH thought I was overreacting...and now he sees, if anything, I was putting up with a LOT of stuff for many years to maintain peace and make it so HE could have a relationship with her. Now I am not there to bash---he gets it, full force.

He's working through this. 46 years is a long time to hold a grudge that someone kept you up past your bedtime, as DH and I did while we were engaged and trying to work and go to school--we stayed up studying at her house and she couldn't BEAR it.

Why even TRY to have a relationship with someone who wished they could have figured out how to have an abortion in 1951??? Who looks at you with utter hatred? I mean, true, scary, crazy hatred.

DH really, really, really needs to get some professional help with this.

He's suffering from such guilt and he doesn't need to. Guilt is for someone who did something wrong. All he did was live.

The really hard part of this is that he turns that hatred from his mother inward and gets so awfully depressed. Then he climbs in bed and sleeps for days on end. We're on day 3 of a sleepathon...after seeing her on Christmas Eve for less than 5 minutes. He just sleeps for days after being with her. If she knew how much pain he was in, she'd be so happy.

It's OK to cut ties with toxic people. It's actually important. Good Luck.

If you say NO to your mother, what will happen?

If you say NO to your wife and kids one time too many, you will risk losing them.

Which choice will you make, friend?

Nobody can do anything about yesteryears mistakes. The only time we have control over is now to hopefully find solutions for a better tomorrow! Believe me, wouldn’t all of us like a “do over?”
Your mother obviously cannot live alone. She needs either a live in Aide, or Assisted living. She should be assessed by a Nurse to see what level of care she needs. Perhaps she needs memory care or even a nursing home.
I’m guessing that your mother wasn’t kind to your wife either? Tell wife you owe her ...vacation, jewelry or flowers 💐? Your primary responsibility is to your wife & children.
One thing for sure..this situation needs attention & your mother can’t live by herself. Probably holding a grudge won’t be good for your health.
You &/or sister can interview a few caregivers or let agency send someone.
You should also see Elder law Atty for poa & health proxy.
If you really want nothing to do with her & want to keep your grudge ( she probably forgot she threw you out) ...then have her be a Ward of the State & she be their responsibility.
Good luck & hugs 🤗

Replace the guilt with what really belongs there, which is simply just plain sadness. We want to feel like we’re not doing enough for them which is where the “guilt” label comes from, but the reality is that many of us just do not have the capacity for caregiving, and that is not a crime.

My mother has been verbally abusive over the years to me, and it took several years of therapy through it when one therapist called it that. I always thought she was just “yelling.” She was always “so mad.” Well she took it out on the person who never deserved it and still doesn’t.

It’s not guilt you feel, really it’s sadness. Like so many others have said you need to have a reason-something you did-to feel guilty. Start giving her the gift of your absence. There’s an old saying, “You teach people how to treat you.” The same goes for our elders when they start acting up.

Get home health care and enjoy some peace in your life, for once, and if you need therapy by all means do it. You would be surprised how liberating the words, “Some other time, Mom,” or, “I’m not able to today, Mom,” can be. And it’s not as scary as it sounds.

Next time she is in the hospital do not enable your mother. Stand up to her lies. Tell the truth. She is an unsafe discharge and has nobody that is willing or able to care for her and that she needs placement in a facility. You have given her enough of your life. If you want to keep that life you need to learn to say no.

Block her phone number or learn to answer just when you want to and are able to. Once a week? Once a day? Your rules. Your BOUNDARIES! There is a book that is often recommended on this site that you should give a read. BOUNDARIES
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1