My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Gershun, "run for the hills"! Exactly! Life is too short to be on the receiving end of toxic behaviour.

I sort of understand. My Mother in Law is like this. I have nothing to do with her. I do feel guilty sometimes when my hubs wants me to go visit with her but I decided years ago that it is better for me to just stay away from her toxicity. It suits me better. The Christian in me thinks this is wrong of me but the instinct for survival that we all have tells me "RUN FOR THE HILLS!"

You need to realize that your mom's toxic personality will never change and all you can do is remove yourself from it for your own good. Try to not feel guilty and definitely don't force your children to tolerate her personality (or lack thereof)

LBA, glad you found us here on the forum. Welcome! Many of us have had the experiences you have written about, so please be reassured that you are not alone! We come here to vent, as well as to offer advice. On a personal note, this forum has been so helpful for me, in dealing with my own difficult mother. I hope you will find it offers you the support you need.

I just happen upon this forum. I have not spoke to my Mother for 11 years after years of abuse I finally stopped phoning. After no contact for one year I cancelled my home and went to my cell phone. I do not feel guilty, she can not hurt me anymore . I am 66 she is 84, she had my Dad put into a home by lying about his mental state making him out to be physically abusive. She is living a very nice life in style. The home is very aware there are issues where she concerned. To anyone who can walk away they do not change. I am nothing like my Mother I love and hug my son everyday . Do not repeat their legacy.
Once she put my father in a home I could visit and talk with my dad without my mother listening in on our calls. My dad's knows she has issues but loves her very much. I respect this and I keep our conversations and visits about the two of us I never put her down when i am with my Dad. I walked away from a toxic Mom and I have no regrets. For once I am in charge.

Don't feel guilty, that is what she wants you to do. go on wit hyour life and go no contact, ok.

Dont feel guilty or selfish. I don't care if she is Mom or not, don't let heelr cause you pain and unhappiness. Mom is miserable and wants everyone else to be too. I understand what you are going through. I love my Mother but I had to pull back from her and all the toxicity. My sanity is more important.
God bless you. I pray it all works out

Cinjet, Ohio allows Qualified Income Trusts aka Miller Trust.

These are not DIY projects, however, it can get mom the assistant that she doesn't currently qualify for being in the "to much income" area.

I recommend www.nelf.org to find a certified elder law attorney that can help you get all of her and your end of life documents prepared and set up the Trust so mom can qualify for assistance.

Best of luck finding someone that you feel comfortable with and who can guide you through this whole process.

Great big warm hug!

Cinjet, have you been in contact with mom's local Area Agency on Aging?

Consider a consult with an eldercare attorney about getting mom eligible for Community Medicaid.

Have now read about 6 of the posts and all are basically the same story.
I would go no contact if possible and tell her to f off. Mine is 100 years old and still has the spunk and strenght to throw a loop in the conversation.--every single time. My daughter told me if you have to call, just monopolize the conversation so she has no time to say anything and then also call prior to when she will be having a meal so that you dont have to stay on the phone a long time. Call only 4x per month and stay on 10 minutes and do most of the talking,. See if this works for any of you .

Hello, You are not alone, My mother is 100 now and she is the same as yours. I am repulsed to have to make the once per week phone call which used tobe maybe 45 minutes, now it is down to 25 min and the last time it was only 12 minutes with the first 2 minutes of insults and complaining. I am actually looking forward to her demise, however she has brainwashed me all her life and it is difficult to not think about the types of people tht I have attracted in my life to replay my upbringing.
for the life of me , it is so hard to believe that smeone would have the heart to act like this to another person, let alone their daughter. however being the scapegoat daughter I now at 68 years old get it. My sister is the one that is doing most of the work as she lives in the same state and I am thankgoodness miles away and have no desire to go "vist" her. she has only complained about my sister who, without her would not be able to continue to live in her own condo. My sister does everything for her and is much like her as well. I am looking forward to the day I receive that phone call.....it will only be partially over, however she has tainted my mind in many ways and I will be needing some counseling probably for the rest of my life. I a wondering how many others feel this same way. I am only doing my duty to keep in touch and play the game as I know time is ticking away. Really, how much longer can this go on...Why should I feel guilty, I took all her shit for 68 years and enough is enough.

Hello everyone- I am new to this, and feel that it is time for me to seek some advice. I am an only child of an only child. My father left when I was two and I was raised by my Mom. My grandparents were always in the picture and I had a great upbringing. However, there were many moments when my Mom would have "episodes" or "outbursts". These have happened on vacations, in front of other family members, my kids; but she refused to ever get diagnosed. She is obsessive about things and is a constant worrier Fast forward to today. I am 59 and she is 83. My two children are grown and live out of state. She worked part-time up until two years ago. She is unable to drive now, and I am the driver. I work full time, try to help her, but I am exhausted and overwhelmed. She always relies on me, simply because there is no one else. I have looked into options of having someone come a few days a week, and she is agreeable to that, but funds are limited. She is in the middle of the middle class and cannot get any assistance from the state. Any ideas on how I can manage this? I feel like I have been taking care of her my entire life, and I am truly exhausted.

Shert, welcome!

Look up Grey Rock. It's a technique that can be useful in your kind of situation.

You kind of have to give up the idea of defending yourself. Surrender to the idea that she will "win" any argument in her own mind, because if she didn't win, it would be the end of her (narcissistscare very fragile beings).

The only way to exit this dance is not to dance. Don't respond. Don't react. Say "hmmmm" or "I see". Or nothing at all.

Do what needs to be done caregiving wisecand then leave or go to your own space.

I am almost 70 years old and have been under my narcissistic mothers spell all of my life. It is comforting to hear other people’s stories, but so sad that we haven’t been able to change our lives. I know that there are only two ways to deal with this 1. In the best way YOU can cope with it yourself, or 2. Completely no contact. I find it impossible to go no contact, she is now 93, as bright and quick to respond as she has always been, no let up on the nasty, nasty, bullying comments.
She lives only a mile away, and has recently told me that ‘it is now payback time’ she looked after me when I was a child, (joke) now it’s my turn to be at her beck and call.
But my overriding problem is that I don’t know how to respond when she is in her narcissistic rage! There seems no answer. I cannot sit back and let her get the better of me, so I say my piece, which makes her almost hysterical. I’ve also walked out, leaving her too it, on many occasions....but it’s dealing with the phone-calls after, as though NOTHING has happened!
Has anyone found a way of dealing with the questions like ‘I’m your mother, don’t you love me’, ‘why don’t my grandchildren visit’, ‘why are you always busy doing other things’, ‘you should be here looking after me’, and worst of all the absolute denial that they ‘NEVER SAID THAT’, and I’m ‘MAKING IT ALL UP’!!
You just want to scream.....I get so frustrated, depressed and in a state of anxiety.
is there no answer to it, just wait until the day she dies?but unfortunately like most narcissists, they live a long life.
My wonderful, wonderful brother, who was treated in the same way, died unexpectedly at the age of 62, two years ago, she only complains that he isn’t here to do all the jobs around the house. She hates his wife, who has no contact now, nor any of the grandchildren. I can’t believe he meant so little to her. He was my rock, we both went through the same childhood, and had total understanding and empathy towards each other.
Thank you for listening, and thank you for writing all of your comments which help me to know you are all there feeling the same way, with total understanding of how it feels to be a daughter of a narisstic mother.
A good friend said last week, ‘I’m fed up with hearing about your mother, just do something about it, you moaned all your life about her’.......not helpful in the slightest, I thought she was a good friend, but shows they have no idea how it feels when you yourself are in a loving mother and daughter relationship.
My husband is wonderful, unconditional love😊

Dont feel guilty about having a peaceful and fun time without her. It’s ok to stay away for a while and not be involved. Refresh and rejuvenate your own mental well being. She’s being taken care of so it’s ok to check out.

Has she had a diagnosis of dementia? Perhaps offer to take her to the doctor and ask the doctor to do a basic test as part of a physical. If you get that diagnosis, and she has this condition, then there are options in relation to her care that involve being able to put a buffer up to safeguard yourself and family. The personality disorder gets worse as the person ages particularly with dementia. The official diagnosis of executive cognitive impairment is important. It is a key step to future care and your ability to manage what will otherwise get worse. Unless you are prepared to live as a grey rock forever or go “no contact”.

WTH?? I just reported the above post.

If folks confront youbwith untruths about your behavior, laugh and say "if you believe THAT, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you".

Don't defend yourself. Just laugh and shake your head.

What does it matter what others think?

My mother is 81 and lives 100 yards from me. My dad died 3 years ago and our relationship went down hill from there. My husband and I did everything for my parents for the last 30 years. Like home improvements, digging up their sewer by hand😞, fixing the leaky roof after a tree fell on it, snow removal, mowing. I’m sure you get the idea.
After dad died my sister, who could never be bothered, took over and turned what I thought was a good relationship into a horrendous one. My mother told me on Mother’s Day that she wants no contact.
I have been in therapy trying to deal with all the hatred from my mom and my sisters motives. I’ve been accused of things that are absolutely not true and they are spreading lies to other family members and their friends. How do you deal with that?
I just don’t understand the betrayal when we have always been a close family.
My husband tries to be supportive but I think he is tired of me needing to talk about it. When it hits me I can’t always get into a therapy session right away. It just hurts so bad.
Seeing her ignore me everyday because our houses are so close doesn’t help. Moving isn’t an option right now.
Any advice would be a blessing!

I'm sorry but they thrive on your guilt! No you are not selfish for wanting a wonderful holiday.

HI all....I just happened upon this site and was amazed. I though I or my sister had written these posts!! I have been seeing a therapist for several years on how to handle my controlling and manipulative mother. I am 66 and my sister 67 and a brother at 69 and she is 88, very sharp, a bit fragile due to a bout with cancer last year and chemo. I about fell over when the oncologist said she was cancer free andwill probably live to 100!! I should have been happy. Life is only her way or no way...You don't get to have a voice cuz she's "mother" and your wasting your time trying to state your feelings. Mind you, we all live far away but my sister and I have been there monthly during her treatments. We can't do enough and she constantly wants complete attention and adoration... if topic drifts to one of us about our lives or families she quickly interrupts to get back to her. She has gotten worse since my dad passed 3 years ago but has always had these behaviors. She flies off the handle and is angry at one of us in an instant. We do love her and have smothered her with attention but never enough. We just recently all were visiting with our spouses and it didn't end well. She complains about all of us to one another, whatever you do to make her life easier, (she lives alone) you did it wrong or didn't do enough, she is absolutely impossible to visit more than 3 or 4 days and she has you in tears. We all feel bad as she is alone and lives far away but our visits always end bad. I have a son who lives close to her who she doesn't care to see after years of having to divide my attention , she gets very jealous. He is always there for her when she needs help but she is miserable to be around for any length of time unless she can make you miserable as well, She lives a very luxurious life and had many years of fun and health but now that she's older she is nasty. We all have created boundaries for our own sanity ..were at a loss other than to keep our distance....very sad. Anyone have the magic solution?

Hey all, sad to see I am not alone but at the same time a little relived!

The guilt is the pits and it's passed on from their's I'm sure. I hope you have had some resolve x

I personally am fed up of feeling like s*** when I spend time with my mother or analyse the time spent afterward and the realisation that becomes more apparent each time that my mother is a horrible person that I just do not like and then feeling like crap for feeling like this about her and the dynamic.

Mother in her 70's now lives alone since my fathers passing in their home and does so at a distance of over 150 miles away. On one hand this is great as she had to get on with her life in the location that she chose to be in, but on the other hand it's crap when it comes to the obligation of visiting her as there is no just "popping" in and bailing since it's more of an "occasion" to visit from such a distance.

I know that going forward I need to spend shorter or more focused/activity based time with her as to avoid her moods/comments/emotional drain and so on. But even a shopping trip doesn't stop her entitled boomer comments at high volume.

She has never been happy, I have never made her happy at least that I am aware, but why do you try when you know you won't succeed right!

There is an awful lot to unpack and I would be here forever but in short other family members are/have been responsible for her moods, not her, never her.

It's apparent now that my father is no longer with us that he was the buffer or band aid for her bulls*** and now that he is gone it is ever present. He did everything for her and suffered her crap willingly.

The more I assess the more I am sure that she must be BPD and/or a massive narc, yet even accepting that doesn't really help as I know I will never be able to confront her or raise the subjects that do make me feel uncomfortable. And to raise any subject with an over reactive narc is just not worth the time nor energy.

The issue is that I am the only child of this partnership the others are half/estranged/overseas and do not have to give one d*** about any of this and don't if at all.

So I guess I am just trying to figure out how to make this work going forward, accepting that I do not like my mothers personality and how to "pop" in from over 100 miles away and I can see it only getting worse as time goes on.

HELP! & HUGS x

Jolie, welcome to the Forum. There is plenty of support here, and please feel free to offer advice, as it looks like you have plenty to give. It's great that you have such insight about your mother and her behaviour, even though you are only 30! Many of us didn't reach your level of insight until we hit our 40s, 50s (in my case) or even beyond. Understanding her behaviour and setting boundaries now is saving you decades of confusion and anxiety. Well done you!

I know exactly how this feels. I am already 30, my mom is 66 years old. Despite everything that I did for her, nothing is ever good enough. When I was 18, I was splashed with boiling water while my dad wasn’t around. My mother is a very manipulative and narcissist person that it’s very difficult to even have a normal conversation with her.

People with narcissist mothers like us can never have a normal child-mother relationship like everyone else no matter how much we want it, and I’ve learned that’s the first thing we have to accept when it comes to dealing with rude and mean mothers.

The more you try to please her, the more disappointed you will become eventually. Mothers like them are never satisfied with themselves and are actually unhappy with themselves so they try to make us children feel the same. That’s just how they want to control us.

Sometimes I will cry myself so hard just thinking about why my mother is so mean and cruel to me eventhough all I did was being a good daughter to her. But at some point I realized she is the problem, and because she is unhappy with herself she try to project that unto me.

Nowadays I don’t see and contact her as much as I do before, but everytime I came back to my parents’ house she will make me feel like s***.

My advice, do what makes you happy even if that means you have to leave her alone and let her deal with her own shit. It’s not because you don’t love her, but because our mental health is so much more important than trying to keep an unhappy/narcissist mother happy - which is impossible to attain.

This is what I’m doing now and I feel much better about it.

I believe I know exactly how you feel. Because I couldn’t change my Mother I worked on me. Misery loves company and I got to the point that I will no longer partake. I found a lesson series on DailyOM website titled ‘Healing the Mother Wound’ it helped me a lot. I felt free and had more compassion and understanding of how I continued to allow myself to be manipulated by Mother by trying to please her. My Mother is in my home. I finally told her she had to stop or find somewhere else to live. I drew knew boundary lines, and she finally submitted. I finally met her with my true feelings and I felt liberated. I told her she was losing her grandchildren because they don’t like they you speak to me, their Mother! So far so good! As her caretaker I took back my life! They made their choices. It’s now our turn and we don’t have to feel guilty about it.

Thank you for the boldness of your post! It totally resonated with me.

hugs to you, treading!!

i hope things have improved!!

(i just noticed your post is from 10 years ago. i wonder how you solved things.) (maybe you have advice for the rest of us?)

you wrote:
“she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking”

indeed that’s the trouble with abuse. actually, i don’t call it abuse. i call it, torture.

that’s the trouble with being tortured:
-get depressed
-often put on weight, comfort eating; more depression because of weight gain
-bad sleep
-worry
-miserable day
-etc.

also, getting tortured has all sorts of effects we’re unaware of. you can make a list (that’s effects you’re aware of). how about all the lost time/energy that could have been filled with millions of nice things? how about lost opportunities, because you were busy being tortured?

the trouble is — completely abandoning the torturer (elderly parent) i personally don’t think it’s a good idea.

i disagree a bit that we owe nothing. it’s not about owing. i simply feel, despite the torture, let’s somehow try to find solutions that don’t mean totally abandoning the mean parent.

they never change. they’ll torture us the whole life. it makes them feel good.

try to find good solutions/protect yourself. hug!

bundle of joy :)

You have been groomed to feel guilty and enslaved to her your entire life! But, you know deep down that this behavior is not going to change and it's toxic to anyone who is around her, including your kids! Please don't let this abuse get passed down to your children! It's unhealthy for them! I know you are a good mother or it wouldn't bother you! So, I know you are aware that you need to put your children first! You didn't ask to be born and you wouldn't tolerate this behavior from anybody else, right! So why does she get a pass to behave abusively?!! My advice is this----- you owe her NOTHING! You owe your kids sane, loving holidays! So drop her like she's hot! Actions have consequences! It's her actions that make it necessary to go no contact with her! You are teaching your adult children to stand up for themselves and that bad behavior should not be tolerated! Plus, you are going to regain your self worth! Much love to you and God bless!
✝️😊💓💯

Natbites, welcome to the Forum. We all try to help each other through our various problems, and yours sounds all too familiar. Given your cancer situation you must put yourself first now, especially as others in your family are not supporting you. It sounds like your sisters are happy for you to do everything and have no intention of helping you. Now is the time to change all that. Tell them very clearly that your cancer situation means you can no longer be the main port of call for your parents and that they must step in and help, or they can arrange an alternative. Do not feel you have to explain yourself further - that really is enough. Walk away. Say the same thing to your mother. Walk away. Bar their calls and messages for a week or so while you take some time to think about your own needs right now, noting what you do and just as importantly don't need, moving forward. Do not cave in to dramatic scenes and invented crises during this time. Recognise this as attention seeking behaviour. Focus on yourself, especially as they will not. If you want to be around to enjoy your sons growing into fine young men, ditch the Fear, Obligation, Guilt and give yourself a break. Please keep connecting with this Forum and we will support you.

I just happened on this site just now as I am fed up with looking after my parents and feel guilty about it.
I have been through Cancer treatment end of last year and went through it alone, my boys are in University and I did not want them coming home to look after me through Covid and still it was all about my mother and how she felt. My mum and dad had cancer and I moved in with them to help look after them yet I was basically left to get on with my Cancer alone.
My dad has the start of dementia and I had to sort the carer who was still phoning me while I was in hospital having Chemo and my mother all annoyed with me as I could not get a signal in the hospital to call them back. I have 2 sister who will not have anything to do with any of it and have left it all to me, I am a single mum of two so they think I do not have a life so it is all up to me and I feel guilty when neither of them do.
I feel like I have lost the last 20 years of my life looking after them and I do not want to do it any more. Having Cancer has made me realise you do find out who your friends are but more importantly I found out who my family was and none of them where there for me. My mother goes on about how she got over cancer alone etc and will not have it that I moved in, fed her, carried her to the toilet, took her to hospital and stayed while she had her treatment, had to work part time and look after two little boys as my father would not help either and now I am feeling really resentful and I do not want to do it any more. Mum will phone me 5 6 times a day yet only my sisters once a week, all with poor me this poor me that, poor my life, I am only 49 yet I feel like I have no life. I spent the last 8 months trying desperately to live and for what?
Neither of my parents would look after their parents when they grew old, just like my sisters are now with them so why do I feel guilty.
My mother needs attention constantly, last week she was all upset on the phone
saying my fathers legs were all swollen and red and his toes were going black, when I left work in haste to get there as she would not call or have an ambulance called, he had banged his big toe and had a black toe nail, then lied to my face laughing saying she never said any of that.
My birthday is the day after my mothers also so for all my life we have always celebrated her birthday and not mine and I am now really resentful and have had enough but I do not know what to do about it or my feelings, before I had cancer I just got on with it and the years just went but now I want a man in my life which I have not had also for nearly 20 years, I want to go on holiday without my parents, celebrate my birthday not hers, not have to do the Christmas, Easter, every holiday with them. My boys played rugby so for 10 years I had to take my mothers along to the games, while she got drunk and embarrassing then take her home. I called her my chastity belt as whenever there was a rugby party my mother was always there, drunk.
Now I have opened the flood gates I can not stop it seems, I want a life but I feel I can not and that I am going to me stuck looking after my parents for ever until I will wake up one day and my life will be over.
Now I am sounding so melodramatic but my boys went to University last year and I thought now my work there was done and set them on their road to adulthood so I could then have a life only to be struck down with Cancer and both my parents depending on me. The story she tells my sisters is so different to the dramatic one she tells me. I do not get on with my eldest sister as we fell out over all this and I suppose played right into her selfish little hands as now she doesn't have to listen to what is really goes on and just gets the Mary Poppins version from mum.
Sorry for the rant but felt good typing this actually and all the love with everyone else going through what you are going through too.

I feel this is the direction my mother is taking. If she ever has to be put in a care facility, no one would be able to tolerate her without medicating her. I love her, but she has some of the same traits you are speaking of and did many years ago when I was a child. I'm beginning to think she had a mental problem back then that was never diagnosed. She go on spurts right now being kind to people if she has taken her Xanax, but when they wear off her cruel words to my step-dad and others are hurtful causing depression in all of us. It is scary to see her get worse as she ages. She forgets things that have been said or makes up things she thinks you said and makes accusations that are untrue. I feel I need to be there to help her, but yet I don't want to hear it.

You deserve to have quality time to yourself as you feel necessary to take care of you first! I had a nasty mother that was constantly yelling at me and insulting me and I went no contact with her two months prior to her passing. I have no regrets I had to do this for myself to save my sanity! It’s time to start enforcing really good boundaries. I recently started reading the book discovering the inner mother by Bethany Webster. Her insight and understanding provides a lot of validation to the abuse of childhood and adult criticism I have faced for years.