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She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.

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I have the same type of mother.  I have not spoken to her since 2002 and it was the best decision I ever made.  I mentally snapped one day when I saw her treating my sweet  and sensitive son in the same horribly nasty way she treated me my entire life.  I wasn't going to allow it a second longer.  She can sit by herself and suffer the way she made us children suffer for decades.  You are not selfish.  Your primary role is to protect your own mental sanity and your children and grandchildren.  She is a horrible person and WILL NOT get better.  I believe sympathy would be wasted.  Just do your duty and make sure she is in a facility that does their job in caring for her needs.  She has made her bed in the way of not having any emotional connections...that is her doing.  As long as you have made sure she is in a competent facility...that is all you need to do.   Do not continue to expose your family to her nastiness...she does not deserve the power of taking away their happiness.  Don't let her have it.
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No you are not alone. My 76 yr old mother is making the rest of the family miserable with her meanness. I hardly ever smile these days and sometimes feel very depressed. My parents were starting to struggle in the family business & could no longer cope with the physical side of it. They tried to sell with no luck. Were unable to get a pension due to assets. So we decided to sell our lovely home, buy their business so they could retire. It meant moving to the same town as them. Big mistake, I've never felt more miserable and anxious in my life. She is a controlling person and likes everything to go her way, when it doesn't she gets angry and blames others. She talks over the top of everyone, continually interrupts other peoples conversations with topics centred only around herself. Criticises other people all the time, to their face and behind their backs, embarrasses people in front of company by pointing out their shortcomings as seen by her. Abuses my father constantly in front of people and calls him rude names (like a-hole, b**tard, etc), tells him how he can't do a thing right. Usually it's over minuscule things like he didn't turn the TV or the light off when he left the room. Or he couldn't remember her telling him something and so he is an idiot. He is so skinny & sick looking, she even controls the food he eats, he only eats what she tells him he can have, sometimes he might buy a takeaway like hot chips & if she found out he would never hear the end of it and would be called a greedy a-hole. She on the other hand often over eats and talks with her mouth full of food spraying it about the room and displaying the churning food in her mouth, something I would have been quickly chastised for as a kid. Infact I look back now and feel sorry for the child I was, always trying to please her but never able to. She swears & mumbles obscenities under her breathe about people just outside of ear shot, but enough that they know she's quietly ranting about them. Ruined my 2 year old grandsons family party recently by screaming at my father for some trivial reason (over sausage rolls), everyone stopped having fun and looked at her, then she muttered that she didn't want to be at the party any way & stormed off out the door, leaving everyone shocked at the sudden and unexpected outburst at a kids party. Prior to that she seemed to be enjoying herself, eating, drinking wine and watching the toddler open his presents etc. She makes things up that aren't right and convinces herself it's true and won't listen to the facts. I realise now that she was always a mean person and as a kid I didn't stand a chance of pleasing her, I just lived in hope...I know differently now, but I find it hard not to let it get me down, especially since we live so close to her now.
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No your not alone, I'm in my late 50's and feel the same. Doc says don't visit, which helps to a degree, but Dad has dementia so I have to go. She takes outrageous advantage of him and screams at us all the time. No one can do anything right and she won't listen to calm advice. There's not any redeeming quality about my mother. Don't feel like a horrible person.
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StressedInTx, for future reading I would recommend "The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving A F***" - the title may be intentionally provocative, but the content is really quite sound.

Meanwhile, though - does your mother belong to a church or similar social group? If so, why not see what they're organising for Christmas for members of the community. Could be you could nudge them into including her without appearing to have had a hand in the arrangements.

But look, she made the choice to move home an hour away from you. "Gee mother, I'm sorry, but you DID say this was what you wanted..."

You or any other family member who, when you really boil it down, feel that at least some time should be given to the matriarch during what is after all a family occasion can pay a visit to her, and then leave as soon as preferred citing difficult driving conditions, pressure of time, etc. etc. Doesn't have to be Christmas Day, just any day in the holiday period and then that is definitely the duty done. This part is optional, n.b., and can be delegated. The key advantage of course is that as soon as you've had enough you can run away.
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I found this forum today and have been pouring over this discussion. I have a very heavy heart and need advice.im a 55 year old widow of 7 years. I am the sole caregiver for my 30 year old daughter with Down syndrome. I suffer from high blood pressure (multiple er visits for unknown spikes) I also have severe anxiety disorder. I was adopted by a wonderful man and a narcissist woman. My dad passes 20 years ago and she just got harder and harder to be around over the years. The last few years the extent of what she is willing to do and say to get her way have come to light. She fell in April and broke her hip,after 2 weeks she came to my home with home health care. It was horrible. She would not listen to me,the nurses or the dr,s. After 3 weeks of her sneaking up without her walker and passing out and falling twice I called an ambulance to take her to er. I was admitted too because the nurse didn’t like the way I looked and took my bp. Yes it was very high. Anyway put her in rehab facility after that. She returned home in July against dr recommendations. Anyway to much to add.she lives an hour away,I have not been to see her since. I talk to her on phone every night. My problem is I do not want her in my home for Christmas and my adult children do not want to spend the holiday with her either. I’m struggling with leaving her alone but I know she will ruin the holiday for everyone and possibly send me to er.
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I understand you completely. I have same problem with my mother. I have decided, ever though it breaks my heart and that I love her....I don't like her or want her in my life. She has hurt me so many times that I can't take it anymore for my own health reasons. She has become too Toxic.

I am here for you if you need to talk or vent.....praying for the both of us.
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I wrote this email, but didn't send it to my brother about my mom, who is eighty:

Hi J,
I needed to write this to try to make sense of what I am experiencing. Mom keeps saying things like my husband threatened to slit my throat and I will never forget it, cross my heart on my mother's grave. When I ask her when he did this she says, oh I don't know, many years ago. I ask her, before you lived with us in Australia or in Australia? she says before. In Australia she never mentioned that he threatened her. We had some arguments there, some memorably bad ones, but overall we had a good time going on trips to the sunshine coast, and beaches, restaurants etc. Even if he did threaten her, it was a long time ago and has never been brought up until recently. Now it is always brought up by mom when she gets mad at him, which is very often. She appears to have a deep seated hatred of him and I simply do not know where this comes from. Some in-law irritation would be understandable, but this is something else, far more extreme. Daniel the other day asked me what Nana meant by saying these words, which are disturbing for a boy to hear about his dad. I said I don't know what is going on, I don't understand it. I know he had arguments with mom in the past, but he doesn't recall threatening her in that way. He recalls saying other negative things in anger. What I have noticed is that John her tenant uses threatening language and he frequently speaks to mom, so I think she is getting these ideas from him perhaps because she is not processing information very well. John accused J a year ago of threatening to slit his throat, which J cannot recall. John told my husband last week that he should watch out as mom's gonna kill him in his sleep. Last year someone apparently stabbed him in his basement stairwell. Someone he met in the park(?!!!). It is like living with pirates. As far as I can tell, John appears to be the source of a lot of this crap and it makes me uncomfortable that he lives downstairs. After I get upset with mom, she goes downstairs to complain to John about how she can't tolerate me, which might be a funny scenario from a healthy distance. Anyhow, my point with all of this is that there is a lot of violent language being used in front of my kids (and this says a lot as I am not especially fussy about what they are exposed to), about how someone threatened to kill someone and it is very distressing. I am partly to blame for sometimes repeating it in order to defend myself. If I mention that this sort of violent language involving death threats is new to us as a family, as we weren't in the habit of discussing awful ways to die, mom says things like she should have called the police on him years ago, missing the point that these words are damaging in themselves. I have other problems and I can't deal with this destructive stuff. It is also a total waste of energy. Life is pretty hard already without this madness, with it, it is very near impossible.
Sorry, I know you have your own responsibilities. I guess I feel I can talk to you about this because you know how difficult it is to live here.
Love,
L
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I’m so sorry & completely relate to your pain & anxiety. My mom was married over 5 times When I was growing up with no regard for my sisters & I. Now as she’s Sick, old & alone expects us to be there for her. Both sisters have Bailed... I feel that Bible verses still push me to help her. She’s rude to those around her, upset at possessions that have had to be left as she’s transitioned into a facility to help her live out her life in a wheel chair. I pray constantly for my strength and ability to cope. You need help. Ask those around you to help & God for strength. I’m over 60 too. She was never a grandmother figure to my children. They don’t ‘get’ why I even care. I guess each of us are different & all have coping mechanisms. I hope you’re strong if you continue to be there for her... I haven’t seen it get any better after 3 years. Good luck & pray you have good holidays!!
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I have known 4 narcissists in my life. (Two males and two females.) I didn't realize that was what it is called until about a year ago, when I looked into it. It's really shocking. The thing is is that of the 4 that I know, ALL 4 are thought of as being great people.....by those they have fooled. Those who have gotten their special horrid treatment, know better. The kicker is that they have many colleagues and people in the community who think they are awesome people.....lol.
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Hi Everyone, I apologize for rambling. I didnt realize so many people seem to be in the same situation. Its good just to vent. No one seems to understand what's its like and people try to make you feel guilty because you are tired and frustrated. I'm 57 and my mom is 87. She has been living with me for 4 years. My Dad passed away when I was 7. I realized recently that I am like a stand in husband. I have always handled my mom's business needs. I dont know if my mom loves me or not. She has always criticized everything I do but yet she bought me anythng I wanted. I am not retired and I drive to wok 50 miles from my home. I live in Atlanta so traffic is terrible. It takes me on avg 1.5 hrs to get to work and 1.5 -2 hrs to get home. This alone is enough to handle. My husband and I argue all the time now. I'm stressed and depressed. I cant seem to get happy again. I cry all the time. I havent been on vacation since my mom came to live with me. She complains all the time no matter what I do. She has never liked my husband although he runs her company. Most of the time I cant stand my mother and she gets on my nerves. I feel guilty about feeling this way. I feel guilty about thinking how many more years she will live. Children arent suppose to fee this way. She's a retired school teacher. She acts like she did all these wonderful things for me as a child but she didnt. She kept me from doing what other kids did, I couldnt go outside and play because she was afraid something would happen to me. If I ask her to stop complaining she ask why she cant have an opinion. I say its stressing me out. I just drove 2 hours from work and 1st thing i have to do is get you dinner, She wont let my husband feed her she always says I will wait for Kim to get home. She has a bedside potty now so that adds to my duties. She still has her home so I have to mange it to. She wont sell it. I have 3 herniated disk in my back from pulling her up, lifting her legs up the steps, pushing her in the wheel chair. She wouldnt do what she was suppose to and got to the point she couldnt move which put her in the hospital. She sees me limping but still doesnt think I really hurt my back or that it was due to taking care of her. My job has been great. They let me work from home. My mom doesnt get what's it like to work, drive and still have to take care of her. I cry all the time now. I'm just tired. I dont get to do anything fun. If she cant have her way then no one can do what they want. She always has to do list for me. If I say i'm tired or well, she isnt asking for much. She doesnt want to go to a nursing home. I tell her I'm doing my best she doesnt seem to care. This week she is having cataract surgery. I have to ask to work from home because she has to have eye drops every 6 hours. I wish I could retire.

Thank you for letting me ramble.
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HI Everyone! I couldnt wait to share this with all of us who have been thru hell and stayed there- way too long. I have your problem...all the mean, ugly, viscous, self centered fowled mouth, lying SOB we share in common. Im 62- only child-daughter. I am "us". Here's what I need to share. I had finally walked away- I broke the cycle ON MY END- as she still reigns hell down from afar- She still calls the police, files reports on me-has hired a lawyer to investigate all these claims she makes about me and the lawyer is playing her and cashing her checks. The bank fraud case is now closed, as she didnt have the 100K she said I stole.
Ahhhhhh, moving right along.....Thanksgiving came and went, without her. IT WAS WONDERFUL! And I went to someone home for dinner- as a guest- first time in 39 yrs. I dressed up a little bit, I wore perfume instead of sweat- there was no phone fight, before you pick me up fight, all the way back to the house fight, "dont hurt my arm" going into the house fight, the house is cold-"are you out of oil?" fight. No one asked why you cooked this or that, no one said " Ive had better" or "shoulda gone out to eat" remark.
WEIRDEST FRIGGIN THANKSGIVING in 39 years!!!!!!
People all brought a dish, they come early to help, they laugh, eat, laugh, eat more, laugh more and then comes desert! MORE LAUGHING MORE EATING! No nasty remarks like "you really dont need to eat that" " You really should loose a few" and there wasnt one 40 minute sob story or any lie's told at that table. Not one knife went in anyone back. Not one person yelled "get my pills, I need my pills"

AND the ride home, WELL, we put on christmas music in the car and hubby and I drove the 2 hrs home, happily. Hmmmm woo-da-thunk there would be no 2 hr session about the house being dirty or too small-too cold- too much food, not enough food- bad cook, the booze- (wine)bunch of drunks- kids were out of control, get rid of the dog, I was ignored- Im cold, Im hot, find a bathroom, why did you talk her him or her, you know how they treated me in 1961....NONE OF THAT!
I swear to God, my husband came to bed that night and said " weird night huh". Imagine, its weird to us to not walk on egg shell, bicker the entire day away, one nasty remark after another- and we were both 2 fish out of water-but we liked it! She wasnt apart of anything- no card mailed to her- no flowers, no phone call, she's not at the house or dinner table....we had discovered a holiday! It was amazing, it was fun, and I want more.

Please, to all of you who have grown up as I did, knowing you were garbage- Gods mistake-suicidal- depressed- low self esteem- the sole reason someone life was miserable- trust me- try this, walk away, stay away, dont look back, dont go back. If they are under your roof, leave- go out- leave the misery at home- until you get them out of there. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart- get them out! I didnt know how this would go, no clue, but I accepted an invitation and lo and behold I found out how others have holidays. There was zero guilt-it felt good. Please try, get yourself out from under this black cloud- and so what if your first try is a flop, try again, just dont stop trying- I know its hard but if by any grace you find fun in a dreaded holiday it might just be the kick start you need. Im here if anyone wants to talk- love to all of us!
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One of the worst weeks of my life. For some stupid reason, I decided to take vacation and spend it at Mom's place. She's a narc, but sees herself as this kind, benevolent person, who never, ever thinks of herself. Wrong. I am the scape goat child and brother is the golden child. I've done everything she wanted, and none of it was good enough. I came into the house with old presents I'd gotten her on the chair I typically sit. She does that - gives back gifts I bought. I had a fit, as I'd brought all sorts of food since she says she cannot make 'good meals'. She has dexterity problems but will not see a doctor. Now she's got the mantra, if the good Lord wants me to have xxx, then that's my lot. Ok, but you complain about it 24/7.
For actual Thanksgiving Day, I made the entire meal. Brother came over earlier (he lives locally, about a 10 minute drive or less). He did nothing. So we sit down to eat, and I start to get sick, running to the bathroom barfing. They keep eating away. Mom did eventually ask if I was ok. Yeah, not really. I had to clean up/put all the stuff away. Then brother says well, I've got to go (around 1:30 or 2 pm), and he didn't come back for the typical eating leftovers that evening. So Mom goes into a funk, blaming me. What in the hell did I do? Oh, sorry I got sick. So she didn't want anything to eat. The dressing I made, which she said she liked, nope, take it all home with you, as well as green bean casserole. She didn't like the rolls I bought, nothing. I'm going to try to stick to my guns and not make the meal next year. Then I felt like crap, so I went to bed. Felt badly the next day, chills, upset stomach, body aches. Her response, "why me? I won't have any Christmas". Yes, because typically the Friday after Thanksgiving I put up her tree and do her decorations. But she never thinks of herself. That comment told me all I needed to hear - I'm just here to do chores for her - and she says I owe her. Anything she ever did for me, she will tell me about ad nauseum. Dad passed away suddenly when I was 12, and she's said that I was an adult, should have cared about what she was going through, should have been responsible for my own food, clothing, etc. I told her 12 was not an adult legally, but no to her I was her equal - yet she still treats me as a child, an underling.
I got her tree and most decorations up yesterday. I made a dinner using leftovers (disguised), told her it would be ready in 30 minutes, do whatever you need to do now (bathroom, glue in false teeth). She waited until I had the meal on the table to go to the restroom, then spent 40 minutes dicking around. I lost it. I shouldn't have but I did. I said do you want to eat it, and heard, well it's probably cold now. She always does that, which I think is to piss me off. She has also been trying to gaslight me, telling me one thing very definitively, then an hour or so later saying she never told me that or never said to do that. She had a major meltdown last night, after I lost my cool. Major. Now asleep in her chair, while I try to make her Sunday dinner. I am sure something won't be right with the dinner. Her tv is on the fritz, which she's had me doing handstands to fix. Yeah it's the tv, not her cable box. I am sure it's my fault somehow.
I'm going to be sick for Christmas. Yes, I can foretell that now. Something that isn't too bad, but won't allow me to travel per doctor's orders. She dictates how everything should be, and if she doesn't get her way, here come the tears to guilt you into doing whatever she wants. She even said that 'gift cards aren't Christmas'. So even gifts are to be ruled by what she decrees. She literally cannot understand anyone who does not think like she does. I said you know people have different opinions. Ok, but why? Mine are better. I'm just done with it at this point; really considering strongly going no contact. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Karen Mack, i think your note deserves its own thread! You are very valuable and I think our collective wisdom can help relieve you of the burden of your mom
Please don't leave us as I'm sure you have good things to say to other survivors of child abuse (waving at 'cha)!. If you need to talk to someone right now, here's help: Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday.

I don't think you can evict your mom since you don't have a lease. However, you could sell the house from under her and let the buyer be the one to evict her.

You are already seen as the bad guy by family who refused to protect you as a child- why would you want to please them when they were evil to you and didn't turn in your mom? It's ok for you to set limits on mom & not take all her calls.

The book Boundaries by cloud and Townsend was a big help to me when I started distancing myself from mthr. How about starting a new post and just copy paste what you said here so everyone can see this?
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My mother physically abused me my whole life with metal edged rulers. She beat me so hard I bled and to this day have broken blood vessels on my legs. She invaded my life esp during the teen years and thought she was my age. I’ve never really had a mother. She truly sucked at the job. Worst mother on the planet although she adores my brother. Both of my parents were light skinned green eyed and dark headed as am I. My brother on the other hand has dark skin dark eyes and blonde hair. We have always suspected that we have different fathers as my mother was always fascinated with my uncle who was dark eyed with blonde hair. It is extremely rare almost impossible for two green eyed parents to have a brown eyed child. I only mention this because it might explain why she loves him so much. I’m not jealous I honestly don’t care except I resent the fact that he has peaceful holidays and gets to live his life without dealing with her hourly junk. She is now 90 years old. She is under a delusion that my brother isn’t to be bothered so I get to hear about her morning dump or laCk there of her teeth just name it whatever the fixation of the moment is it’s my problem and mine Alone to fix. She is a master manipulator. She has bad mouthed me to relatives and literally has ppl not talking to me with her lies and crap.She whines and complains to me daily and is the meanest person on the planet. She is a narcissist and has always has been incapable of thinking of anyone but herself. My father was miserable and told me he wished he were dead that she as so awful and abusive. He has since died and although I love and miss him he’s in a better place. My mother blames me for everything. She puts unnecessary demands on me. Everything that is wrong in her world is my fault. She inherited 800,000. From her father and spent every penny so that’s my fault. She lives in a house my husband and I own for basically nothing which is a monthly loss of income to us of about 1800. Dollars. My husband is a retired teacher so we both have continued to work. My mom gets about 3000. Monthly in social security but it constantly whining and complaining that she has no money. She gets her hair done weekly, gets massages her nails done etc. I don’t do those things because they aren’t in the budget. I have to have her in my home for every single holiday. My brother has nothing to do with her and is a bigger narcissist than she is or at least equal. He’s a bit of a con artist and due to behaving badly in a business deal with my family he isn’t speaking to any of us. Convenient so he doesn’t have to deal with mother. I’m miserable and have fallen into a depression briefly considering suicide to get away from her. I just want to be left alone. She calls and texts about 30 times a day. She gossips and bad mouths everyone. She has a boyfriend she hasn’t seen who lives in another state although they did go to high school together a zillion years ago. She says they are dating but he won’t come see her and won’t let her come see him. We think he may be married or perhaps a con artist. She’s so dumb she calls him and bad mouths me from her home phone then accidentally calls me on her cell and I hear everything. She doesn’t take care of the house it smells like dump and vitamins. She doesn’t take out the trash she has no business living in a home she has a quack doctor who has been prescribing her Valium for years that she doesn’t even need. This makes her more insane. I can’t be in the same room with her for more than five minutes before she starts taking shots at me which makes me want to take an entire bottle of pills. I’m miserable. She is a life ruiner and someone who belongs in an asylum. I’m at my wits ens
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my mother is the same way. Always negative about everything. Never a nice word about my father I don’t know how he stands her. She has ruined every holiday that I can think of and I’m now 53 years old. We got in an argument the other day about the way she talks to my dad and she threw me out of the house. Needlessly to say I won’t be going there over the holidays even if she calls me I’m still not going I’ve made up my mind. She thinks she should get respect no matter how she treats others. You have to earn respect to get respect. Since she’s getting older you would think she’d treat people a little better just in case she should need some help but I guess she doesn’t think about it. I don’t like her and we’ve had a toxic relationship as far back as I can remember. I used to feel bad about that but now I don’t. It’s hard to like people that aren’t nice to you —mother or not. I learned a lot from her on how NOT to treat people. Sending hugs! ( I never got one of those from her either)😢😢
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Hello Treading Water - I hear you and today I'm starting to feel especially blue. Not sure if it's the weather, or the fast approaching holidays or the fact that my mom has returned to live with me. (She was visiting friends out of town for 3 months). I have to say during my break I started to feel alive again - slept great, felt calm, happy. Ever since her return I can feel the crippling depression sinking in. She's a very unhappy person, has caused a major rift between our family which I don't think will ever mend - BUT because she lives with me - I feel like I'm alone on some island with her and no help or end in site. She's got to have everything her way - and while she can be so nice to other people - her friends - she can be very nasty to her own family. People don't have a clue what I have gone through. I've tried to help her but now I just don't care. I'm almost 60 and want MY LIFE! I want to think about something else besides her needs. I resent the fact that she acts like I'm the only one that can really do for her. I'm also single, work F/T, and have a home to take care of. You can't talk to her about anything - she gets her panties in a wad. My family is beyond dysfunction junction. I just feel like I'm drifting along waiting for something to happen! I'm almost to the point that I don't feel anything for her. Today I've been thinking back on all the horrible things she said to me - the put downs, criticism, etc. Why the hell did I stay??? Why didn't I move out of state away from her nosiness and prying eyes. She comes back into my home and takes over - my kitchen, my t.v. I'm trying to think of the positive but today I'm sinking deeper and deeper and just want to give up - I'm sure a lot of people's life's don't turn out as they expected but mine really didn't. I thought why the hell did I end up alone - and no kids? Not that I didn't date a lot of guys, have long-term relationships but they just didn't lead to long-term marriage. Now that I'm almost 60 so many things are too late to start. And I'm stuck for another lonely, miserable holiday with her. Yes I have a lot of friends and wish I could spend it with them and find peace, joy and happiness. I try and feel blessed that I still have my mother but she is a piece of work..thanks for listening.
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Firstborn, I think you should just step away. I understand that may seem harsh but you have been terribly mistreated. There cannot be a relationship with your brother due to his poor choices. Your mother has welcomed him. That is extremely dysfunctional. Why subject yourself to any of that any longer? You have a supportive spouse. That is the family you deserve and should relate to. You don't owe the others anything more. I bet you will be missed but you owe yourself that favor. I hope you find the strength to move forward.
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So glad to have found this forum. I am the first born and daughter. When my brother and I were children my dad had a drinking problem and was unkind to my mother. I was always the one to take care of her and comfort her. When dad was ill and dying, my husband and I moved nearby to help with the care. My brother was in the same town as mom but never stopped by or helped. Dad passed away 20 years ago and for all these years I have been driving my mother around, cooking for her, treating her to events and vacations, etc. My husband has been a saint and we would involve her in many, many things that we did. She is now 84 and getting forgetful. Recently, she let my brother and his wife move in with her "to help around the house." Both of them are unemployed alcoholics and live in my former bedroom. They are never seen doing anything in the yard or for that fact coming out of the house. They never eat with my mother, visit with her, take her anywhere nor have they taken responsibility for her on holidays. My sister-in-law rules my brother and I am afraid that she may be influencing my mother. I have caught my sister-in-law in several lies. It is a sick situation. To keep the peace, I have rarely said anything. Yet, my mother has become nasty and critical of me, has started talking in "we" when referring to situation at her house, and speaks in glowing terms of my brother. The situation is so toxic that I can hardly bear to call my mother or visit anymore. Today, again, my mother verbally attacked me for something that makes no sense and related to my brother. The holidays are coming up and this is my only family. My husband and I are just dreading it. I would like to disassociate myself from all of this but have a tremendous amount of guilt - yet at 59 years old I also feel that I have more than done my duty. Thanks for "listening."
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Has she always been like this? What does your wife say about all of this? Have you informed your mother in law's doctor about her speaking to people who aren't there? Why are you allowing your grandchildren to be verbally abused by this woman?
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i am the son-inlaw & i do everything possible to help her but i still get it...she only looks at me with hate...& she uses the worst foul language on anyone that tries to greet her or hug or even help her...
she is looking for diamonds or money under our beds..she speaks to people that are not there & even swears in front of our grandchildren..she call them bad names...help!!!
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I can relate to all that are experiencing this issue. My mom also has always been mean and disagreeable about everything. She currently is 95 and living on her own. My wife and I decided long ago we would not have this in our house. Nothing, and I mean nothing can be done for her except by a stranger. If a person she knows little about suggest something its ok. I told her years ago if she treated me and my family like we just walked up to her we would get along great.
I was adopted and had a wonderful Dad. My mother on the other hand always seemed to have a problem with me concerning everything. I always thought something was out of whack. When I got married the discourse continued. She made it clear she wanted nothing to do with us. Dad died first, he asked me what are we gonna do if we lose him first, I told him I'd suck it up and deal with it.
This women is the most unhappy, ungrateful , miserable person on the planet. I have tried everything and nothing works. Currently I call every other day and see her once a week. Less is so much better for me. Up until recently she was paying her own bills with a few minor mistakes, was'tworth it to try and talk about it.
Then she pays the lawn guy 4 months in advance. I tried to talk to her like Dad always did to include her. What a mistake. I even had all the checks printed and wanted her to understand everybody makes mistakes, no big deal, just need to fix the problem. Well she had beat around the bush for years concerning the adoption and finally said the worst day of her life was signing the papers for my adoption. I told her I knew this a long time ago.
I then told her she is not to write any more checks that she has no money she can get to. I went straight to the bank and brought my POA with me and changed all the accounts. To say she is pissed is a understatement. But this is what had to be done.
I reflect on this move often. The very description of insanity is do what you've always done and expect something different to happen. I did something different that day without the approval I could never get and felt so much better.
I can't do anything with her or for her. I am here just to pick up the pieces in the end.
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With qthe best will in the world, hate is so powerful. It is comfortable to live with. However it is wearing . What about not hearing the negativity, replying as though the snide remark was not that, but positive? Sometimes we wear. The face we wear because we cannot find a way of changing it. Change is always difficult, but if the initiative suggested elicits a positive response, it may open the door to .... my mother had her limitations, I opened the door, told her what I thought of her. She was stunned. The final comment from me, pregnant with her first grandchild, was the start of a better relationship, and when, years later, my sister told me mum said she would never forgive me for the things I had said, it did not matter any longer. Change can be positive, or the opposite. Get some psychological support if you intend trying.
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Hithere, I have no solution. My mother definitely is similar. I believe she has personality disorder. But I have learned that mentally ill do these things that they blame on others. I had a new neighbor who cut my telephone lines. She had called the police to say someone cut her lines (our lines were connected). She had paranoid personality disorder. My mother has always taken my things, she also gets up in middle of night to straighten things or ie. move things, especially money. Then stuff goes missing, she blames and eventually we find. She even shoplifted. Supposedly doesn't remember, but she never remembers any of the despicable things she does. My brother is the only one on earth who shares this nightmare.
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I know exactly how you feel. I can’t put it into words but my aging mother has also always been nasty and manipulative. It seems as though I am a trigger for her and as soon as she sees me she starts criticising me. She blames me for everything and tries to frame me, eg my son caught her throwing away some papers but she didn’t know he had seen her and said to him, ‘Look at what your mother is doing. She’s destroying my papers.’ She even called the police to complain about me.
Years ago there was an incident where a garden shed key went missing and she told the whole family that I had lost it, but my son found it ‘planted’ on top of grass cuttings in a dustbin.
Why does she behave like this, and why am I the target?
I have been trying to help her but the strain is too much.
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God bless you . I feel for you and your situation, but you should not feel guilty anymore. Stop letting her send you into bouts of depression. You need to put your grown childrens happiness and your own peace of mind ahead of your mothers . Your mother has apparently chosen the life she wanted to lead. And while you were a child growing up you had no choice but to live with her. Now this is your time to live happy, to have wonderful family Holidays with out your mother, without her negative emotions brining everyone down. I don’t know if you pray or not but I hope so. Ask God to help take away any guilt you have, ask him to help your mother see she is driving every one away from her. If it were my mother I would sit down face to face and tell her your done with the situation, that your not visiting her any more. And it’s because of her anger issues and the way she treats her care givers. She may not remember your conversation but maybe confronting her will help elevate some of your guilt.
My husband has advanced dementia , so I understand patients can be very nasty , I’ve seen it first hand. So far my husband is like a small child in pull ups , but he minds every word I say. He was very abusive all during our 22 yrs together. It was bad up Until he had multiple strokes five years ago. We’ve been together 30 yrs now.
I hope for your sake everything works out for you and your family . Your not alone . Prayers for you and your mother. 🙏🙏🙏🌺🌹🌷
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Amazing thing here is there are so many of us. We're 50-60's age brackets and finally seeing the light - to the point where we reach into cyber space and put all the ugly out there hoping to find the sanity that we can not. I have cut all ties with my 91 yr old mother-I feel nothing- Not angry, depressed- devoid of any kind of emotional response to her. GUILT? forget about that, there is none, and the longer I stay away from her the more clarity comes to the surface. At 62 yrs old, I finally told my husband a truth. I was 8 yrs old, summer of the third grade going into the 4th- I attempted suicide. Entire bottle of bayer asprin and milk locked in a bathroom. I dont remember much-vomiting-I think I was out cold my dad carrying out the front door to a police car-getting banged around, her screaming over and over "she's mental". No one ever knew. Since dumping her, it dawned on me that I didnt own that darkness- I was 8- not an adult, and COULD NOT be in charge of what got me to that point-but knew I was garbage and needed out. And you know what, that confession 2 weeks ago gave even more clarity to whom she is, way back then, so guilt, nahh, none here.
She has begun another phase of "accusations from a far" I call it. She makes accusations and I get contacted and go thru the motions of clearing up a mess, all with no contact to her. Latest one was 2 weeks ago. I think she may be out of punching bags, as she has just terminate her home health care-again. I am just waiting for the state to step in, she lies, picks up the phone and spews this awful life crap she wears like a crown. She didnt learn her lesson when the state of florida stepped in b/c of BS story she passed around. Sold the house and moved here. THAT was a horror show! 90 and homeless, living in hotels- 2 of which she had to leave at management request.

My advice is no contact. I couldnt get that thru my head for decades, nothing sunk into my head. As a daughter- an only child- the correct roll was to be there for an aging parent, no matter what. Thru this website, I learned I was playing by the rules for a the usual family. Family- a group of people, related by blood or marriage, who loved each other, however perfectly imperfect. Finally figured out that MY definition was far from the situation I was molded in and those rules did not apply. I stepped up, the worse it got. Everything had a negative consequence. The only thing we can do is remove ourself from the situation. Realize it is NOT GUILT we feel-It is us, trying to do the right thing and being rejected -vilified-back into the low self worth they prefer for all. Its the comfort zone of a narcissist to bring you to your knees and make sure you KNOW are nothing. THEY TAKE ZERO responsibility for anything they do or say EVER. Victim only status. She was pushing me to the end point and the more energy I put into her, trying to change things only changed me, my life, health, wallet, marriage. There she was- changing my heart and soul, and I let her . People like this, its in their bone marrow, its not blood in their veins, its venom. We cant change that. The day of my final departure, it was a 3 hr screaming battle. So much for the sick 91yr old lady pass she ALWAYS gets. Her mouth is a machine with no brain stem attached. She had no hesitation reminding me I was nothing more than a blood clot that survived. How's that for ya at 91. I could list some of her one liner's that would knock you off your chair, trust me.

The choice is ours, become them, or go forward, live before we die. I am 62 and broke, I put it all into nothing and got exactly that. But I did have the pleasure of WALKING AWAY for her to live in her universe of one. My life has value, even if my bank account doesnt. Im starting over. I will promise you this, keep the distance, it wont be long before you hear yourself laugh. You will sleep, feel lighter, do things...it just happens.
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It sounds like we have the same mother. You are not alone. My family sees how my mother behaves and get no enjoyment out of spending time with her either, But we do. Because we should. She is religious in a holier than thou way and feels her opinion can be expressed because it’s “helpful “. We have taken up some self defensive behaviors when we are around her. Many topics are off limits (religion, politics and news) and intrusive questions are sidestepped. It is a very superficial relationship because she is so judgmental and nasty. I’ve also learned that since she will never be proud of me and I strongly disagree with her parenting style, I’m free to stop seeking her approval. Care for yourself, protect yourself and your children. Limit your time with her. If she asks why. Tell her.
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AnnieWishes, if my parents were in your situation, where they depended on one another for care but both had chronic diseases likely to be progressive: I would be happiest if they found an assisted living community ahead of time so that they had a fair chance of establishing themselves and enjoying a good quality of life independently, but with the support they are likely to need already in place for when it's needed.

Is that kind of move something you and your husband are considering or might consider?
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Ok, the oth r side of the coin.

I care for my husband age 72, and am increasingly frustrated by what has been the result of his increasing deafness. Sometimes it is funny, sometimes not. He also had stents inserted about three years ago. I miss then conversations we had. We eat in silence.

why? Because he is my carer for PD, cooks, takes me out every day for a coffee or an adventure. I speak too softly for him to hear! Am starting speech therapy.

I am anxious that this handsome man who loves me so much continues to be as positive and loving as he has been.

i have two daughters, the eldest of whom it could be said she hates me, loves her dad, and my younger daughter loves me but is quick to lay down the law with me. When I, as opposed to my husband, need a care facility, I can see it accomplished with speed... I feel for you. I don’t hate my eldest but am more careful around her, watch what I do, don’t visit unless invited... and we see our granddaughter once a month or less... I know my husband used to meet her occasionally for a coffee, used to feel jealous but no longer. My youngest loves about 185 miles away but we see more of her! The opposite to your situation.

You could always try insisting your mother be treated with respect, and watch them pick their jaws off the floor. If said in front of her you will either win or lose big time... sometimes change is a great catalyst for more.

i sense you are a kind person...

Any suggestions welcome please!
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Mine hasn't "become" mean She's always been rude hateful and sarcastic but now that she's elderly (92) it's worse. Also, she's one way with some people and then something different with others. While I'm aware that many seniors are dealing with forms of dementia there are some that I'm convinced that like my mother know exactly what they're saying and doing.

The only reason I say that is because when I call her on it you can see by her face she knows she's done/said the wrong thing.

I can't tell you how many vacations I've had to leave early not to mention ask time off from work to address confusion she's had over bills/checking account questions that turned out to be nothing. She refuses to give me power of attorney or add my name to be on her accounts so I can call in no matter where I am and address any issues she has. The last time I drove 9 hours to her house from where I was on a business trip because she was concerned that she was being double billed on utilities and she had received multiple bills (nope...that wasn't the case after all) and the first thing out of her mouth was "did you forget to put on your makeup?" I've been chewed out by her home nursing staff over stuff she says happened but didn't. We also found out recently that a lot of stuff she told us about her upbringing and early life wasnt entirely factual. She always talked about being homeless and having horrible abusive parents. I had questioned it when I was a teenager because if her mother was so horrible, then why did she have no problem letting me stay with her for weeks on end? Drama stories about how she changed a tire on her car when she was 9 months pregnant She didn't learn to drive or get a license until I was 8 Just stupid stuff and she's still doing it.

Only lately have I had the nerve to stand up to her. When she made the makeup comment above I said "It seems you have your finance issues resolved. Have a great day" and I walked away and drove back home. If they act like children...treat them like children. I refuse to let her talk to me like that anymore. I have also touched base with her neighbors and home nursing staff to ask they call me first to verify what she's said before taking action or forming an opinion.

In short, she gets back what she dishes out as long as I know she knows what she's doing....and...yeah she does.
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