My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

MidKid, your experiences sound familiar to me. In August I suffered concussion and an arm injury after a fall, and in the same week our son caught Covid. My mother didn’t call us at all to see how we were doing. It just wouldn’t occur to her to do so. Last week when we visited her after a few weeks of not being able to, she wasn’t interested in our recoveries, but immediately started talking about herself, with no enquiries as to how either of us were doing. This isn’t dementia, just someone who really only cares about herself. Over the years I’ve learned to accept it, and to make sure now that I only give as much as I’m prepared to give. I think that is a reasonable approach under the circumstances. To others I would say there’s no need to feel guilty if you reach the same conclusion in your relationships with a parent.

Tribe--

Your story could be mine. I have gone 11-1/2 months between 'talks' with mom. It would have been a solid year or more, but she needed me to do something.

She was totally unaware that we had not spoken from Thanksgiving of one year to 2 weeks before Christmas of the NEXT year.

I was driving her to Bingo for about 8 weeks until I had to have a major ankle/foot surgery which has sidelined me for the last 9 weeks and probably the next month before I can really walk 'normally'.

She would find an excuse to call me every Monday before Bingo with some fake 'need' and to remind me that Tues. was Bingo. As soon as I had to step out, she stopped calling. Never called to check to see how I was doing post surgery---nothing. I am unsure whether or not I will return to being her 'ride' to Bingo. I'm not mad, I'm just sick of being treated like this.

Midkid58, you said "My mom 'uses me' to her advantage. When I am of no use to her, she ghosts me. It used to bother me, now I can laugh about it and see it for what it is: mental illness that will never change."

I am being ghosted. All I can figure is it's because I moved away, she expects me to read her mind and is possibly jealous. Mom has always used the silent treatment to register disapproval, but she's really dug in this time. Hasn't phoned me in close to a year, blamed that on me (you're too busy, she says, even though I repeatedly told her she can call me anytime) and reluctantly got on the phone when I called dad. I was feeling hurt by the sulky behavior and one word answers so I don't ask to speak to her anymore.

I did send a brief note, told her I loved her, accepted her choice to be non-communicative, and if she ever changed her mind my phone lines are open. Ball is in her court. I don't expect I will hear from her anytime soon, because that would signal defeat and Mom is never, nor has ever been wrong. 😳

My mother, who let 3 children be molested by a sibling, who to this day, 50 years later still denies I told her, I was five, I can replay that event like a movie in HD clear as the day I told her. She instead says to me, how hard it was for HER when she was a child sent to various family and friends to care for her, strangers to her and abused HER, and I look her in the eye and say, yes I KNOW what that is like and even worse when a family member is the abuser and the mother does nothing to stop it.
I now see the verbal abuse and how she was emotionally withdrawn to us, especially her daughters. I was the youngest, by many years and an "accident" as I was reminded of often, also my birth nearly caused her death and if she had to make a choice, she tells me when I was a child, she would have had the Dr save her over my life, so thoughtful of her to share that with me... My sister's both got pregnant to get out of the house, this resulted in her saying she KNOWS ME accused me of things I had not done, assuring me I'd follow my sister's footsteps, and I didn't and that really pissed her off. I wanted to go to college she laughed and said that was stupid and I couldn't afford it anyway. So, straight A's, and probably could have gotten a scholarship but she burst my dreams, I didn't even take the SATs, she was ok with that, probably was worried if I might get a scholarship & prove her wrong again, can't have that. There were fun times together it wasn't always bad, I didn't even know HOW bad it really was until adulthood. I've got emotional scars no self confidence, never good enough, my life and my choices impacted by her abuse, I just try to not do the same to my kids. When she is talking of grandkids, she doesn't fail to mention my children aren't "mine" they are adopted. She takes glee in pointing it out, another failure she sees of mine not able to have a biological child. I've told her that is not something to say at if it's a negative thing, they are gifts to me and should be to her. She tells my kids in front of me at a visit, you have a mean mom....I said to her, well I did learn from you. My parents don't drive, but by dad did, and wrecked the car going to get her pain pills because she is an addict in her 80's, and nagged and nagged him to get the pills, and he drove because she couldn't wait for me to get them the next day. She thinks only of her and he thinks only of her, she will go to my dad to complain about me so he will tell me to be nice to her, She does it because she knows I'm worried about him and she stresses him to get at me. Sisters don't have any contact for decade or more, with anyone. One brother does not help or visit but calls them and that leaves me and one brother and my spouse who does more than their own kids ever do, AND homeschool's all four kids, though the brother who helps has no kids, and the other brother has no kids, we live closer to the parents, though still over an hour but they think we are closer so we should do the most. I work full time, homeschooling 4 kids is full time but the burden is on us 80%. Mom says she wouldn't do what I'm doing for them, I already know, she did nothing for her mom. She texts & talks about me & everyone behind our back I read them all and told her, that's why i'm there for my dad & ONLY for him. She's mad if he eats what I make, says it's ONLY because i made it, not happy he is eating. She says she can't do it anymore, so as my dad goes into hospice, I'm doing it all, my dad passed, her "tears" weren't real, she only worried no one will visit her now (karma). I tell her I'm going to go pick up my dad's ashes, she doesn't even acknowledge it, not upset, no emotion, just complains about her pain, sends ME her shopping list & gushes about neighbor who is great & will get her pain pills for her. She expects I'll shop. doesn't care for me/my family. I took care of DAD he deserved it. She doesn't & I'm done, I'm a b**** she'll say, to her indeed I am

I like to pop in to this thread from tine to time (I didn't have narcissistic patents but was married to an extremely charming one for 24 years).

I like to tell folks to watch the movie "Now, Voyager". It is basically the story of how a downtrodden daughter of a narc mom escapes. Good watching--Bette Davis, Paul Henreid and Claude Rains.

I've seen this post and marveled at the length of it--the timeline of it (10 years?? we only had Dorker for 4+, I think).

It's good to have a place to go to vent about Narc mothers. It's funny that we rarely see Narc dads. I'm sure they exist--maybe we call them bullies instead, don't know.

Both DH and I have Narc moms and it has taken us 45 years to figure out how to deal with them. And the answer is: The less contact the better. So sad. Really.

I don't anyone CHOOSES to be totally self absorbed, and I am sure psychiatrists have a field day talking to people who have been damaged by years of bad parenting.

My mom 'uses me' to her advantage. When I am of no use to her, she ghosts me. It used to bother me, now I can laugh about it and see it for what it is: mental illness that will never change.

Dh is still working out his issues with his mom and honestly? I don't think he ever really will. Neither he nor his brother really talk to her. He visits maybe once every 2-3 months and comes home and literally crawls in bed with a pillow over his head. She damaged him so badly--at age 69 he is finally beginning to get some clarity, but I tell you, I have 'suffered' from her treating the both of us just terribly.

Had I known what having her as a MIL was going to be like--I would not have married my DH. She has been THE primary source of contention and pain in our marriage.

And, sadly, I know, from reading some of these many posts, I am NOT alone!

Cautionary tales, for sure.

You're NOT alone ((( hugs )))
It's happening worldwide.
I've a toxic family and am the 'designated scapegoat'.

1K comments w/similar stories. This forum helps to know you're not alone, that not all families are The Brady Bunch. Sole caregiver here of 86-yr-old selfish mother. Doing for years, exhausted. Returning from hospital, after setting her up in lift chair, she asked for a bell so she could ring me. I'm a servant in her eyes. Narcissists are incapable of really seeing you as a human. You matter only as for what you can do for them. I told her no way. She calls for me to help her pee a thousand times a day, y'all know that always on call/alert feeling. Last night I cleaned up a liquid feces explosion all over her, me, carpet, furniture while dry gagging. Today, I cracked up crying, telling her I've been sick, have no friends, have given up everything in my life & am breaking down, we need to make some changes. Her response: well, on the way home from work tomorrow, pick up some lunch so you don't have to cook. This is terrible so don't attack me, but I'm locked in my room now bc I can't deal. I made dinner & she refused to eat it so I threw it in the garbage. But she is going to the bathroom by herself! All this time, she could've done it, but called for me, preventing sleep, interrupting whatever I was doing. Just sharing so YOU know you're not alone either in some incredibly challenging situations.

Your problems are at least explicable in terms of these low life “people?” I use the term in a poetic sense. However, my largest betrayal was by the most sinister person of all = MY MOTHER.
I only found out her evil nature after her death and upon reading her Wills re; her estate.
I have actually helped my father and mother all my life in any way I could, and after my father died something seemed to trigger my mother to revert to perhaps her real self, (evil and vengeful).
She basically removed me from her Will and decided to give all to my brother who was her equal in deceit, evil and basically without a soul.
One final problem even though my mother is dead is that it is hard to rationalize why a mother would do anything bad to her own child, and particularly when I had helped her all my life.
Even harder is to forget HER.

TreadingWater,
I can see parts of your dilemma in mine. I am taking care of my boyfriend's mother 15 to 24 hours a day. She lives in my boyfriend's mobile home. I have a separate mobile and I live there when I am not staying the night with her. She sits in her recliner and does search a word all day long while watching the Law and Order type of TV. The only time she walks is when a therapist is there. Most of the time she rolls around in a wheelchair getting up to use the toilet and getting back in her recliner. She is very negative, never having a kind word about anything. Just yesterday, I made a much needed hair appointment. She hasn't had her hair cut in over a year due to Covid. She has been complaining about her hair and stating she needs an appointment. So when I told her about the appointment, she rolled her eyes and scrunched up her face. Then she stated that she only wanted the OWNER to cut and style her hair. Very nasty to me. I try to set up home care appointments and she always has something negative to say. I am really grateful to these occupational therapists because they have taught her how to put on her own socks and adjust her pillows under her legs. Now she doesn't announce "I have to go to the bathroom!!" She does it herself. Her son and I only check on her back in the bathroom. What a relief. PS we had a working toilet installed by her bed so she only has to walk a few steps to it. Pricey but worth peace of mind for her not to fall walking a long way to the toilet.
I can see how her nasty attitude has affected her visitors. She has two sisters living nearby. It's rare if they visit once a month. Her younger son usually does come and stay on Saturday night into Sunday night, giving us a much needed break. Sometimes he just blows it off. We have finally talked Mom into hiring a caregiving service that offers a minimum of 12 hours a week, 4 hours a day. This gives us a chance to go to doctor appointments and shopping and just time AWAY. I suggest doing that even though it is not covered by insurance. Mom does pay for this service.
So believe you me, YOU are not alone. I always say Welcome to my world...

My mum is the same , I’m in my 30s and my mother is in her late 50s . When I was 15 my dad died suddenly, she was quite an unloving parent before never hugged or kissed me, told me that she loved me etc. Since he died she just made bad decision after bad decision, jumping into relationships, swandering all her money on her fellas. Until she had nothing and moved in with me.... well that was 10 years ago . Everyday she makes my life a living hell to the point where I’m distressed, she does nothing apart from work never helps clean the house, is hateful towards my 12 year old, slags my husband off continuously and just puts me down at every opportunity. It’s getting me down but I literally can’t Chuck her on the streets she’s my mum. Just a snippet of what she does, I cook dinner and she tells me it’s disgusting or refuses to eat it, I decorated my hall way and she told me I had done it wrong, I don’t let my kids have chocolate every day and I’m evil, my husband is a pratt apparently , I put her butter in the cupboard as she leaves it out and she asks whose moved it and places it back on my work surface, she’s boring and she’s over opinionated, but pretends she’s a fun loving saint around her friends. Everything I do is incorrect ,she tells everyone the reason she lives with me is because I’ve got 4 kids and need her help. I’m slowly beginning to hate her. She’s never said I’m doing a good job makes a mountain out of a molehill . I can’t do anything right and I’m losing the plot 😢

Philbert, what a shame that your father is so unhappy, instead of recognising that he has a wonderful supportive family. It’s also bad news that it’s affecting your well being. Can you set some boundaries, such as not being available to take calls every day, but maybe every few days instead? Was he like this with your mother when she was alive? Did he expect her to do everything for him then, or has he just switched off since she died? He is probably also depressed. Maybe the medics can prescribe something to lift his mood, which may then improve his behaviour a little?

You are not alone - my 87 year old father is also miserable, hateful and always complaining - My wife, myself and my 2 adult daughters refer to him as the ‘joy-vacuum’ - within seconds of him arriving people start leaving the room to escape his unrelenting pessimism, all of it relating to the same subjects. It’s like ‘Groundhog Day’ but without the redemption at the end. My mother died 16 years ago and ever since he has clung to me to make all of his decisions for him, solve all of his problems for him, however trivial. He has literally clung to me since and won’t let go. He manufactures ridiculous reasons to call to my house almost everyday. It’s all so frustrating I find myself screaming into, and punching a pillow; after he’s left, in order to release the stress and tension that builds in me.

This could be me. Mom has always been abusive and neglectful. Others in her life ger her best. Now that she needs help, she's demanding I do more than I can. I remind myself that her actions past and present will shorten the amount of time she can live independently.

wow, this could be me. It is so difficult. Definitely get counseling for yourself to help you deal with this incredibly challenging situation.

Capp,

I would suggest some books on boundaries but those are difficult when dealing with dementia. Thus, I suggest reading the book, Running on Empty, for some healing insights. No you are not alone.

Does your insurance cover you for online counseling? That is available through some.

Cappuccino, I’m very sorry about the loss of your brother. Of course this will have had a major impact on you. I understand your frustration about having to wait for therapy - I remember every month I waited for someone to be available to help me seemed like a lifetime. I also understand those overwhelming feelings - I found Cognitive Behaviour Therapy helped me with these, which I underwent separately to eventually getting to see a therapist. Can you check this out online? It might help you while you are waiting to see someone. It is concerning that you have such a restrictive life, with your commitments to your mother, and no time to take care of your own happiness. CBT can help you identify a few simple activities that could give you some aspects of pleasure. I discovered through this that 5 minutes outside with a coffee, in my own space, helped a little - a simple action but a beneficial one. Also, being involved with this forum was hugely helpful: feeling less isolated and being among sympathetic friends. I hope we can help you.

Thanks Chriscat and NotrydoYoda!
even just the awknowlwdgement helps to know I’m not alone. I definitely have skeletons in the closet that I need help in resolving. I have been in talks with my doctor about seeing a psychologist but they are unfortunately very scarce at the moment with the pandemic. I called and they said they had a 6mth wait and that the one that my doctor had recommended was not available for new people. It really sux putting your hand up for help but feeling like you are just left hanging. But I do understand the current climate. The feelings are overwhelming at the moment and it helps to just talk about it. I don’t have anyone else in my life,... Mum never wanted to keep in touch with the extended family and after all I’m in a different country. That’s another thing I find that I resent Mum for, the fact that I have no other person to lean on family wise, she’s cut ties with them all apart from a couple that I don’t have any kind of relationship with. I’ve lost touch with the few good friends I had because well,...my life is only work, caring for Mum & sleep.

I’m also suffering from the 2019 passing of my beloved brother who I had a very very close bond with. That alone has its own ptsd, the initial shock as well as seeing the spot (which had not been cleaned up) when the real estate handed me my brothers keys to enter his apartment. He had passed alone and was discovered 4 days after. His passing is what initially caused mums downward spiral.

Cappuccino, my first thought on reading your post was that you need a therapist. Then I read Yoda’s response, so I absolutely agree with what he suggests. A good therapist should help you make sense of your conflicting feelings and enable you to find some much needed balance as you deal with your mother’s dementia.

Capp,

Welcome to the club of us who have childhood memories that are painful to come right when that parent is declining. Please find yourself a trauma therapist who has heard of complex PTSD. It is the kind of trauma that some people grow up with like us. Your painful memories are not your fault. You can and must for your own well-being find freedom from them. I have tried a regular therapist but they are limited. If you are on Facebook there is a private group for survivors of childhood trauma. They are great. I wish you the best in your journey to freedom.

I’m partially feeling this but I’ve only come to realize it just recently. I think I’ve suffered from the Stockholm syndrome in a way. All of a sudden my mums dementia behavior is highlighting things from the past, my early childhood etc and I’m finding it hard to bear. She has always loved me but in her own way. She has always ran away from her problems causing a lot of grief for the family or people involved and she’s never really been responsible. My dad used to go on about how nasty their divorce was,... I never wanted to hear it but basically my mum robbed him off his life / money which also meant that I as a child was affected. For instance savings my dad had for me to do well in life / get a place were all taken from dad while Mum did the runner. Mum was eventually made to pay a part of the debt (a 7 bedroom house / business plus a brand new car) but by then she was retired and only had to pay a small portion with the debt expiring a few years later. Don’t get me wrong! I don’t wish debt on her but my dad put up with it his whole entire working life. Surely if she didn’t run away from her problems,... they could have sorted it out better for the sake of “me” at least. My mum actually just left the brand new car at the ship station. That’s how cold she got when the business went downhill along with the divorce. She then took me overseas and told my dad he’d never see me again unless he signed papers for me to become a citizen enabling me to get a passport. I never quite understood the dynamics of this as well as a lot of other stuff and Mum and I became very close. I’ve always had a close relationship with my Mum and I’d say,.. there was a pinnacle of time when things were great. I was living on my own and all of this was behind. Mum was a more positive person and we got along just great. Now with her dementia personality,.. all of a sudden,.. I’m having all these feelings from childhood surface and it’s making me feel really uncomfortable. It’s like all of a sudden I’m realizing everything that I couldn’t see before. Her reactions are trademarks. All her reactions now bring back flashbacks and I’m struggling to cope with that. It’s like I’m now having to re-invent myself,.. find myself while also caring for her. Don’t get me wrong I love her and these are in the past but I don’t know how to get rid of these childhood feelings.

Amazing to think that this original post is now over 10 years old and still resonating here. The most recent posts have got me thinking about the peace we all crave when we are afflicted by such toxic mothers, and how we wish to protect our own children from their behaviour. It is now nearly 6 months since I moved my narcissistic mother out of our home and into supported living. The process of doing this nearly broke me, with her resistance and rage. In that time we have suffered two bereavements but despite dealing with these, I have found an inner calm that has been missing for much of my life. By limiting my visits to my mother to just once a week, I have found a balance where her constant demands and bad behaviour are now aimed elsewhere and towards professionals, who can deal with this better than I can and who are not emotionally involved. It sounds crazy to say, but I can now get up in the morning without dread and stress about what’s going to happen each day, and can eat what I want, when I want, instead of having to stick to a predetermined regime of mealtimes and the restrictive diet imposed by my mother’s extreme fussiness about food. I can leave the house when I wish, to go where I want to go, without returning to sulking and petulance about being “left out”. When I am at home, I can choose to do what I want without being judged and without any enjoyment or relaxation spoiled. Looking back, I can see that for years my mind has been full of her demands, wants and toxic behaviour. There was no room for my own basic needs, never mind any wants, which might enrich my life. I was a prisoner in my own home with a limited life of my own. The freedom and inner peace I now have is only what most people take for granted, but when you have a toxic mother it is often out of your reach. To those suffering similar experiences, I would say that distancing yourself from this behaviour is not an act of selfishness, but one of self care - your own health and well-being must come first.

It's comforting to know that you aren't the only person with a mother who has made you feel worthless and guilty throughout your life. Why do these women all live to be so old. Mines 95 and why is it mostly women who seem to have these issues. I'm emotionally exhausted by my mother. Totally drained. Thank God for my beautiful son.

Are we siblings? You are not alone! Nor are you a selfish person.
Sounds very much like my mother and my grandmother! I feel so guilty and lost as to how to manage it. I've been widowed a long time before both of them and now just want peace. The manipulation, demands and negativity are getting to me so much that I don't want to talk or see either of them again. I want my children and grandchildren to have fond memories of the holidays.

Sounds like narcissism.She has always been responsible for her conduct.Have ho guilt!

My husband is this way, and so is his mom. I am my husband's caregiver and I have health issues of my own. We're both 60. He has secondary progressive MS, with cognitive decline, dementia, and depression. To him it's a license to behave any way he wants with no regard how it affects others. It's not just the MS, it's how he's always been. It's how she's always been. She doesn't have MS. Her sister had MS and my brother-in-law has it as well, but he's not as vile as my husband. There is a history also of narcissism, schizophrenia, spectrum disorders, suicide, manic behaviors...you name it. So I know it's not his MS alone. He treats me like I'm his trained monkey. What I can't get past is how all of a sudden if one is a caregiver all other relational dynamics are null and void? Like they have a license to treat you like garbage and we cannot stand up for ourselves because that's abuse? And the more you stand up for yourself, they get all worked up and upset. My husband even had episodes of erratic cardiac rhythm every time he couldn't just get his way, His every need is met. I do everything that I can, but I won't do what I can't. He seems angry that initially I was able to cope with the sudden changes in his disability so now he is constantly focused on sabotage.
Instead of being courteous, cooperative, and communicative which is HIS part to do; he's depraved, demanding, and delusional.
I may have felt bad for him at first because of his decline, but not anymore. All his bad behavior is coming back on him. Most of his family is blind to see it or admit it. I'm dealing with a clusterfttttt of ignorance jammed in an echo chamber

JJHETZ, good to hear you feel validated, and no, you’re not nuts! I think many of us felt we were, until we came upon this site, and found out there were many many people feeling the same way and with similar experiences. We help each other. We vent. We feel better!

Hello, TreadingWater
I was just looking for some kind of validation, that I'm not nuts, and your post came up. Its fascinating to me, because I could have written this, word for word. Except the part where your mother is in assisted living.
I know. That's really all I wanted to say...I know.
JJHETZ914

I feel the same way and you are not alone. I too can’t take her insults and her always accusing me of everything. She is always and has always tried to control us all . I understand she is our mother and we are to respect her. Although , she does not respect us. I have always felt her anger and hate towards me the most. I could go on and on and on . I will leave it at that. You are not alone and neither am I. I can assure you that many more care givers go through this and more.

LBA,

I don’t know if you found your insight on your own or with the aid of therapy. Your posting is an absolute joy to read. If only everyone could have your wonderfully fair and loving outlook.

Your son is blessed to have a mom like you. Your dad is very fortunate to have a daughter as wise as you.

I despise being caught in the middle of two people. You are brilliant for not getting in the middle of your mom and dad’s issues. I have had people in my lives that have tried to force me to take sides and it’s a very uncomfortable position to be in. I will step up and say that I refuse to be in the middle of others issues.

I also can’t stand if I have a dispute with someone and they ask someone else to step in that has no bearing on the issue. Again, I will tell the person that the matter doesn’t concern anyone else.

People can be rude, ignorant and inconsiderate. It is refreshing to see someone like you posting. Your post shows that you grew and learned from your experiences. It’s difficult not to become bitter and resentful when we are hurt and some people have to go through that before healing.

Getting stuck in bitterness backfires because we are only hurting ourselves and the people that we love. We aren’t harming the people that hurt us.