She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Am in my 60's as a Caregiver and am learning that part of the deal is being mocked daily, and being told to shut up when I speak my opinion.
It has been a very hard lesson, and I'm learning that being nice and helpful & caring - and giving up my life to help my Mom is simply not appreciated at all.
Shortly after she passed, my husband took a stroke- vascular dementia- and I am struggling to be the best I can be for him; somedays I just cant take the drooling, garbled words and I feel awful saying thing like-" I missed that, try again"
Im trying to maintain his dignity, treat him as a respected husband still love him, discuss things as husbands and wives do..... Im loosing it.
Sometimes I wonder if the mom issues just knocked the stuffin's out of me and I have less to work with for him, like tolerance-the drooling sends me out of my mind. I know better and I cant seem to work past it.
Ok, so those are todays issues, but for you that are still dealing with mom or dad....please, dont wait til their death put an end to this. If you carried what I carried, Im suggesting you start now- the healing process- have something left over either for you or whatever else get brought your way.
She used to refer to me as the "Blood clot that learned to walk and talk". Or" the worst miscarriage she ever had-she survived". All those little terms of hers are silent now, but not in my head. Still can hear them, still remember when and where she would toss out those phrases.....and on days Im sinking caring for my husband.....here they come again..... Dont wait for the parents to pass-dont let their labels become who you are as I did. Cuz in my situation now, granted Im not called a little b****, stupid b****, Gods garbage 24/7 like before yet when I cant seem to help my husband, all that is loud and clear.
I will say this for the first time publicly-here and now- I am 64 yrs old and I have no true sense of who I am. Nothing. I live from sun up to sun down, nothing in between. Im realizing now, how over the years and demands became constant, coudnt tell you the last movie I went to, last time I danced, used to decorate for holidays, bake, crochet, curled my hair or put on make up- my nails are now short and unpolished, refinished a piece of furniture....its all gone. As the years got worse, I dropped pieces of me, all over the roads traveled and today....there is nothing left to give up. Covid took the job-stroke took my husband; both I loved A LOT! Only time I leave the house is grocery's or doctor appointments.
Please read this and understand it doesnt end with the person ripping you up passing away. Get out now, while you can, any way you can for as long as you can. For me, it was so beat into me that now there is even less of me to care for him and yup, the guilt on that one.
Thanks for letting me vent on my very first post! 🙄
Sorry for your other losses as well. God Bless!
Even more painful is the selfish and insensitive mother who treats others so kind.
And if you are the scapegoat for your mother, others in the family may treat you the same way.
That is why we cling to our pets for comfort, and why it is easier to give comfort to our cats (pets).
See you over there...on the cats thread.
As for my mother, I know what she is like, but as is the case for so many others on this forum as well as for me, the selfishness and insensitivity is still so damaging when you are faced with it, at a time when you could really use some kindness instead. I think we can all fall into the trap of hoping (in vain as it turns out) that just for once they will show some compassion….
So very sorry for your loss of Uncle and cousin. 🌹🌹
And the sad diagnosis of your cat being terminal. 😿
You know that you can talk about it here....
You will also receive continual support on the 'Caregivers Cats behaving badly.
This is so sad....
@Scapegoat: YOU have every right to a happy, guilt free existence too, you know! My DD says the same thing about narcs and karma and that my mother is alive at 95 precisely b/c she's getting her due for all the pain she's caused others her whole miserable life. But guess what? Her extended life is causing ME extended pain & misery!!!!!!!!!!!! :(
Because old narcissists get what they deserve in the end.
Karma, baby.
Let go of the guilt!
Your children matter more than your guilt
I called her Sunday and she had switched the story such that I am at fault- told her friends and some of our family members that she fell because “I was in a hurry”- I wasn’t, and never told her I was, had brought her magazines and books and was sitting outside while she went in to get something. I wanted to sit outside just in case I could be carrying any flu or covid viruses- when she fell inside, I ran in after I heard a loud thump. Had to help her up on her feet- and found in addition to this booby trap, she had brought more throw rugs into the house- I threw them all away six months ago. There always has to be a bad guy, it can never be her fault- and this is just another event in years and decades of abuse.
I am as you are- tired of the abuse. I am taking two weeks off from her- told her I have family members who tested positive for Covid- which is true, though they are asympomatic- and that she needs to get all of her listeners to pitch in. This is a mental health break and I am taking it!
My 80 year old mother ( I’m close to 50) is so negative that I can’t bear to spend time with her anymore. She is extremely critical, lecturing me about everything When I do spend time with her I’m walking on eggshells and get extremely anxious now before I visit her.
Our relationship has deteriorated ever since I met my husband seven years ago, before that, I lived close to her and our relationship was good, and at that stage I didn’t realise how much she has negatively affected my life.
I have spent the last several years trying to defend myself ( Ever since I got married at the age of 44) and the adult decisions I make but it all came to a head last year when I told her that she will not be coming to Christmas day lunch with my husbands 5 children ( my step children) and their partners and that we will be seeing her separately on Christmas Eve instead. She accepted it when my husband was sitting with me and we told her the new plans, but the next day she called me crying and implying that I don’t care about her and why wouldn’t I want to spend the day with my own Mother? I then received an email saying “Do you know how high the suicide rates on Xmas day are?” I stood up to her for the first time ever and told her that the decision has been made and that’s the way it was going to be moving forward. I will not going to be emotionally blackmailed now or ever and that if she is contemplating suicide that she should call life line. I was so angry with her that I just came out with it all!
My husband and his children have included my Mother at Xmas day events for the last 5 years and as his 89 year old mum doesn’t come either now so we decided that hubby’s kids should be able to see their own father with out my judgemental, critical, negative Mother at the table year after year.
Fast forward this years Christmas, and I have have just told her the plan is the same as last year and again she argued and cried and acted shocked and how could I do this to to her?
I have a brother and a sister who live out of state but never come for Xmas as my Mother has a problem with my brothers wife and her own granddaughter told me she “gets anxiety” when she speaks to grandma. I honestly believe the siblings escaped years ago and I just couldn’t see it.
My parents divorced when I was 18 years old and my Father was a drinker and Mum blamed the whole thing on him. My sister became estranged from him and never spoke to him again before he died.
im starting to wonder if it was my Mum’s fault, the constant criticism, nothing ever been good enough and the stress that she likes to feel whenever she gets the chance. I honestly don’t know how they lasted 21years. I remained very close to my Dad as he was a very chilled, relaxed, happy person at the end of his life and he loved me and was proud of me. I think I sensed there was something wrong with my Mothers emotional responses at a very young age.
My relationship with Mum was not always bad as long as I went along with most of the negative things that she thinks of, as soon as I started questioning her our relationship changed.
i have felt hurt that all the things I have included my Mother in are just forgotten even though I’ve been the only child in the state for 20 years, I have felt extreme frustration as she triggers me every time we speak, I have felt immense sadness that she has become this miserable person. The complex range of emotions have been extremely challenging but I am lucky my husband is so supportive.
My mother wasn’t always like this, I do understand its not easy with health problems and ageing in general and I love her and want what’s best for her, but I feel her toxicity and it’s becoming intolerable.
I am supposed to be seeing her this week and sadly I’m not looking forward to it. :((
Thank you for this forum x
x
Goodluck respectfully,
Brindi