She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
If your mom had it in her to love you, she would not want to see you sacrifice your business, your health or your happiness to do things for her that she can afford to hire out. She would want your occasional company as a comfort, not as a means of control.
Whatever you do for your mom, make it minimal and doable. Offer to grocery shop once a week. Find a pharmacy that can deliver her medications.
Talk to the social worker and make it abundantly clear that your mom needs a care manager because you will not be tending to her in any on hands fashion. Make sure your mom and brother know that too. Your mom will be furious, but these are the steps you must take if you want to reclaim your life.
You are now 50 Years old. You are not going to live forever. Follow your dreams and know that you have a good heart. Letting yourself be abused by your mom is what a damaged person does. You knew when you were a teenager that it was time to leave. If you are having problems saying no, get back in touch with that very wise teenager and get some counseling too.
We have all been conditioned in various ways and I don't mean to minimize that, but you have to make a major decision now or you are going to be pulled deeper and deeper into your mom's twisted thinking. It will only get harder for you to access that good heart of yours and your God given free will to do what is right for you.
Take that good heart and use if for your own good. You deserved to be loved and valued and I think you can do that for yourself. Your mom will only hold you back and make you pay due to her mental illness/personality disorder. Don't let her sickness become your guiding light.
Love and best wishes, Cattails.
OK, you've had a lifetime of abuse and conditioning to take that abuse, and others who have been there (I have not) tell me that makes saying no extremely difficult. I'll accept that.
But, hey, saying Yes isn't exactly making your life easy, is it?
You brother is perfectly entitled to make any decisions he wants to. He can go to the beach every other week. He can limit his visits to 10 minutes. He is even entitled to try to tell you what to do. Don't concern yourself with your brother's behavior.
YOU are entitled to make decisions. In fact, you can't avoid it. You can decide to ruin your health by trying to please a person who cannot be pleased. You can decide to do what your brother tells you to do. Or, you can make different decisions. Really. It is not easy but it is not impossible. (Elisa1961 is our Just Say No poster child and our hero.)
If your decision is that you will not provide caregiving in your mother's home, then make that very, very clear to everyone involved. Tell the hospital social worker. Tell the discharge nurse. Tell her doctor. Certainly tell your brother. No more sleeping on the couch. No more taking verbal abuse in exchange for your sacrifices. No more saving her money while your business suffers. IF that is your decision, of course. You are free to opt to continue on as things have been. In some ways that is the path of least resistance. But IF your decision is to take care of yourself and let your mother (who can afford it) arrange to take care of herself, then I urge you to make that decision very clear to everyone.
I hesitate to bring this little example us in this context, because my mother has never had an abusive molecule in her body, but it might illustrate what I mean. When we were arranging for home care services for Ma, the intake social worker asked her if she needed help cutting her toenails. "Oh no," she replied, "my daughters take care of that." Her daughters had to make it very clear that we did not have the equipment or the training or the desire to take care of Ma's toenails. (Mother wasn't trying to be mean to us ... she just didn't want any special attention or to ask for anything she didn't think she needed.) If we hadn't spoken up, the social worker would have had no reason to doubt her and she wouldn't have gotten that service.
You mother, and maybe your brother, may be assuring everyone in sight that she will have plenty of help if she is discharged to her own home. IF you decide that that help isn't going to be you, make sure everyone in sight knows it. Don't wait to be asked. Don't wait until you can think up a way to explain it so you won't look like the Bad Daughter. Don't wait to see if they really might discharge her home. Don't wait hoping that some other possibility will open up. Make your decision and announce it to all parties who might conceivably have an interest in that decision.
Good luck!
Your brother has made a different choice -- pitches in what and when he can. Could he do more? Maybe. Probably. But he has set boundaries and YOU NEED TO, TOO. That he set them doesn't make him bad. That you need to set them doesn't make YOU bad. That they won't be what your mother wants them to be doesn't make any of you bad.
All you can do is what you can do. And giving her full-time care is NOT what you can do without drowning yourself. So. Find someone -- a social worker, your brother, a friend, the mirror, the people here -- who can help you set and stick to some boundaries that work for YOU. let go of the need for them to work for her. She has none.
A terrible to live you elderly life taking care of a miserable ungrateful mother
I just keep the visits short and sweet with my mother. I am doing what I am doing because I have no choice. I live near her. I constantly ask God to forgive me for the way I feel at times, ask for his help, and I am doing this because it is the right thing to do before Him. I hope this helps! Comment back to me ifyou want. Not sure how to find your comment, but I could give you my email if you get back to me. I am looking for this type of support and "venting options'. I hope I didnt scare you away :) :0
First, I'd buy and read the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.
Second, I'd get into some therapy.
Third, remind yourself daily that you did not make your mother this way. You cannot control how your mother is. Nor can you fix how your mother is. All you can really do is pick a healthier path for yourself which you are already doing and stay on it regardless of what your mom does or does not do.
My two cents, and they come from many many years of dealing with aging personalities...my two cents are to let her stay where she is....and change the formula of your visits. Bring her some projects to work on....collage pictures, journal on tapes, ask her to document her life...Distract her ego from putting a guilt trip on you to validating herself and her life.
Since you are feeling guilt...and that is unhealthy for you.....there is a piece of emotional enabling going on. If the food is lousy, when you visit bring her what she likes, if you can get a volunteer to visit her regularly at the home it can make a world of difference. She may even defer to the volunteer to make you feel unwanted..and try to manipulate you with jelousy..Who she was at her worst when she was younger...is who she becomes all the time when angry...and angry gives her power...so why be nice? Very few have done their internal work, very few are wise....very few are interactive...very few. That generation was seduced into believing that the young are here to serve their needs and that sense of entitlement continues till the end.
I believe that children and the frail elderly have a basic survival instinct...that is,they manipulate others and seize power by any and all means necessary. It is the adult in the room that needs to draw healthy boundaries for all involved.
Children need the reminder of limits, as do frail elderly. The power struggle is different with the frail elderly than with children. I believe it is fear of abadonment and fear of being forgotten or rememberd incorrectly and the need to feel powerful again. If they can't feel strong,. they use what ever manipulative tools they have to leave an imprint...for that keeps them visible ....to others and to themselves. Anger gives power...and it is a more energy giving emotion than fear or sadness. None the less...we ...the caretakers have to deal with it...in ourselves and in those we care for...and about.
I suspect that your mothers presence in your home will turn your home into a forum for her issues. They say that if you want to see who has the power in a family...look for the sick person. Be it mental or physical...the sick tend to manipulate others....it is the way it is. Because of that....I sought therapy to learn tools and develop better responses not emotional reactions. to the manipulative and predictable power games played on the platform of senior care.
It is a real challenge because of all the unresolved childhood issues that pop up..and all the unresolved drama presents itself at the worst times...I chose to turn this most difficult time in the trenches of senior care into a learning opportunity...and a chance to learn genuine forgiveness...the new frontier. I wish you luck and hope. Courage and fortitude...Love and kindness of purpose,,,,for to quote one of my favorite songs..."In the end..only kindness matters" Be kind to yourself most of all.
Like an Egyptian Pharoh she is bent on taking hostages down with her. She will die with her slaves...I am the slave to which she owes her life to. My struggle is not with guilt or shame, it is with resentment and anger at a society that will not and can not support me in my struggle. Because of my ethics and because of how I have kept my self respect, I refuse to "leave her to the dogs"as they say. She is mentally and emotionally ill. If she were blind ....or crippled or had cancer society would consider my support of her heroic, but because she is a bitch and a nasty person over all...my helping her is considerd dumb and irrational and a waste of time. Are we only to help those that we like? Isn't it even more valuable to buffer these nasty people and care for them regardless of how nasty they are? I do not have an answer, I only pose the question.
As a caregiver, I have not found it anywhere written, that we are to care only for those we like or love. To care for a loveless person is an act of ultimate love. For was it not MOTHER THERESA ...who was a revolutionary...not a martyr...was it not she that said. "I see my Lord in all of his distressing disguises"? I see my mamma in those eyes and therefore continue to care for her, even if I don't care about her. Thank you for this platform...it does help...and I look forward to any and all feedback.
If your mom is a psychopathic type person with zero empathy for others I don't think anything will fix that.