My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Wow, I feel like I just wrote that myself. My kids were forced at a young age to "tolerate"my mom for my sake as well. I just tried to keep the peace to not hear my mom's nagging mouth. My mom is only 68 with dementia and she complains all the time, and always has. I am an only child and no one else to share the burden. Yes, I feel it is a burden. I have been doing this now for almost 5 years 3 years knowing she has dementia. It is terrible to feel the way we do, but they make us feel this way. I also think we feel bad because they make us feel so bad toward them. I am like you, I am ready for a peaceful moment with my family without worry what my mom will say or how she will react. I wish I could say the right words to help you know what to do, because I struggle with the same issues. I have been trying to get my mom in assisted living and she is refusing to go. How did you get your mom there? My mom tells me I am treating her bad by trying to get her to go there. She just wants me to do everything then complain because I am doing it wrong. Good luck, and hopefully one day we will have the life that we want and not the life our mother's made us have. HUGS!!

The veterans can help with arrangements for placement, they do pay a portion of the cost, the problem will be Medicare, I know that a lot of these places require private payment for first year, don't despair there are places that will take medicare, the best place I have found the most helpful is a place for mom, they have all the information both state and federal and they can do most of the placement for you if you choose. Take a deep breath, I promise it will work out!

Ditto here my fil is a miserable person and has been for a loooong time ..lived with us for 10 monthes till he grabbed the gear shift whille I was on the freeway because he was mad ! He's at a blind school right now and we are trying to find him a place to go after ..my husband feels so guilty ( with no reason.) Except the words from his father ...we are trying to find a place for him but we know nothing about this stuff government assistance ..vetrens benifits or what is our legal responsibillity ...I would feel sooo releaved if I could find a advacate counciler ...social worker something to help us or even take over the responsibility of finding him a place ..I fear if we don't get it done quick enough he will end up back here and will successfully hurt me ...any advice .

I to have a mother that has caused a lot of pain in my life as a child and after many years of not speaking I have started talking to her and on order to keep peace I had to have a gathering before the holidays and tell her that my children could not come home, it was the only way I could have fun with my children and g-children! I have great holidays now, and her attitude towards me has changed don't really understand why, but this little fib made a difference, it has not changed her attitude towards life in general, but it has made me more aware of what I do in my own life, I guess i have to become a good fibber, to spare my family from her hateful nature, I don't know if this helps you, but I don't feel guilty about things anymore and I can give her a small amount of time to show her that I have not turned out to be hateful like she has been to me and it makes what time she has left a little better. Although I don't feel she appreciates it, I know I feel better.

ashlynne I was just wondering if you could get two numbers....give one only to her. I heard of someone else with a fancy phone system who had a relatives phone number go automatically to voice mail. It didn't even ring to the house. I think I wanna find out more about this.
You can't have these people live with you. I just can't see it. I get told that all of the time from well meaning peope, "when are you going to let your mother move it?" and I realize that the people saying it have sweet mothers or slightly difficult mothers, not terrorists. I was at my mom's trying to arrange a driving service for her and she got really mean with the service, then she started hitting me. It's just too crazy. I'm 50, no one hits me ever just psycho woman. Like a rabid animal. The lady from the service was VERY worried about having this crazy woman dumped on her lap. You can't have abusive people living with you. What if your spouse did this? Would you stay? Would society expect you to stay and take the abuse? Certainly not. Get out of there. Whatever it costs just go.

Emjo is not judgmental at all! She has a heart of gold, and her experience and "tell it like it is" attitude is appreciated by many here. You can look for support elsewhere, but you won't find a better place than this. Good luck on your search.

Sorry that should have been to treadingwater ... see what this crap does to you?

Karen you are not alone! I sold my home, quit my career and moved to care for my evil mother purely out of duty and that is what some or many of us do. My mother was the mother from hell and I learned to avoid her early in life - knocked me around and put me in hospital when I was 6.

After another stroke her speech is so slurred she decided she didn't want her phone so I had it cut off. Now she calls me from a hallway phone every day with wild imaginings, like when she can walk (been in a wheelchair for 9 months, can't sit up or stand alone and will never walk again) she's going to buy a big fancy house and furniture and find someone to live with her, care for her 24/7 and do all the work. Her shenanigans over the years have aged me terribly and my hair is falling out. Do I have it out with her, a lifetime abuser? What's the point, she's had dementia for years, an A1 narcissist and everything is about her. I'm going to have her phone put back on so she can drive others batty (she has no real friends) and change my number. I must act as she continues to plunge me into deep depression and I need to rebuild the life she destroyed.

Karen - emjo really isn't the least bit judgemental - she just means, literally, why are you even in that situation? So many of us feel guilt about not personally delivering all care to our parent, however impractical or emotiona disastrous it may be. Maybe there is a way out you have not thought of, you never know. And ther really are financial pitfalls to be avoided..like my poor cousin who spent some time in a mental hospital after moving back in with my aunt, and eventually ended up saddled with a boatload of debt that should have passed on with her mom as well as a hopelessly hoarded house to deal with. And they had mended fences more os less over the years...this sounds just awful for you! No one should be unable to give themselves proper hygeine and live amongst undomesitcated rodents.

One thought is if things are far enough gone, you may be able to get guardianship (if you want all the responibiilty that entails - you may not, and no one would blame you!) rather than POA. Just be careful and keep yoru name off of bank accounts, bills, and credit cards.

My mom never quite got done trying to correct all my faults either.

Not judging you at all, karen, just trying to understand. You wrote, "She is such a control freak.""She is the most hateful nasty person I have ever met." I don't understand why you moved in with her then, My mother is similar in many respects so I understand how difficult it is for you. I would never live with her. I wish you only the best.

I came on here to get support not be judged emjo. Thanks for showing me what kind of forum this is. Ill be looking for support some where else.

Karen, My first thought was, knowing how your mother is why on earth did you move in with her? Can you explain more about why that the house she is in is in probate made this necessary? It sounds like an intolerable situation for you. You need to have your own life separate from hers. You say her spending is out of control and could make both of you homeless. This implies that your finances are tied in with hers. Are you financially dependent on her? A little more information would be helpful unless you are just venting, in which case, good luck. Looks like it will only get worse.

Karen, let me give you the best advice ever... No POA, no care giving. Period. You don't even want to know about the hassles you'll be confronted with and you don't what to even think about what could happen to you in the future without one.

If you're able to, leave and don't take this role on unless you won't mind years of misery. My mom was quite the same as yours. I'm an only child, too. Had I known back in the day what I know now, I would have run like a bat out of hell before I would have subjected myself to my mom and her issues. I feel I've just gotten out of a torture chamber after 10+ long years... God help anyone in this kind of situation without POA... You'll be stuck like a rat in a trap with no way out of it..

I'm an only child who grew up with an alcoholic and abusive mother. I now realize I can add narcissistic. I recently moved in with her because the house she is in is in probate. I'm going to have to move her. She had dementia caused by old age and dialysis. She is driving me nuts.I can't do anything right. She micro manages me on Everything!!! I don't like her. There are moments that she is sweet. I'm waiting for that shoe to fall. She uses anything I talk to her about against me. I moved here from another state. I don't qualify for disability. I have cerebral palsy and possibly multiple sclerosis. She will not sign poa. She picks fights every single day. She wants to move back too Florida with me. I can't stand to be around her. She is such a control freak. I can't watch tv. I can't take showers because it makes the facet leak. We have mice and rats in the house. There are feral cats in the back yard. My mother is escalating I know the physical abuse will start with her. She will try to slap or hit me then tell the police I hurt her. I'm bitter and resentful.She tells me all the time how I ruined her life. She is the most hateful nasty person I have ever met. She is so sweet topeople in the public. It makes me sick. She is going to make us homeless with her spending. If I try to manage her finances she amps up the nastiness. Who wants to pet a porcupine.

my grandmother used to be the wanderer. She would try and get into other people's beds at night. They had to give her her own room. I think in the end they got a screen door and she could see out but then wouldn't leave her room at night. She would strip naked before she got into other beds, way fun!!

Ash, I'm sorry about your mom's decline. No matter what the relationship is, simply having to watch another human being going downhill and just losing themselves requires a backbone of steel. I'm sorry your mom has to go through that and that you have to go through it right with her... It's really hard...

What is the facility going to do about this wanderer? It seems to me that they should keep a better eye on this guy..

Sometimes with the way I've been feeling I don't even care about ever meeting a man. I kind of like being alone lately. It doesn't mean I want to be alone forever, but right now I'm liking it and would like to enjoy my solitude for a good long while. God knows I have reason enough to appreciate the beauty of solitude..

As an update to my post last July, my mother had another stroke in September and it's knocked the nasty out of her for the most part. Of course her dementia has worsened considerably, her speech is slurred and she can no longer sit up or stand alone. She's actually quite reasonable lately and not so far gone that she doesn't know who I am.

Today on the phone she told me she woke in the middle of the night to see a man with a black hat and long black coat and she was terrified. The call bell got a nurse to come and she escorted him out of the room. We're at the stage where I need to check out whether it's real, imagination or hallucination but the NH confirmed it had occurred. They have a new resident who is a wanderer and they've put a picture on his door so he knows where to go.

Darn it, some people have all the luck. I haven't had a man in my bedroom for years, but then my dogs would likely eat him anyway :)

mbvargo, I agree and understand everything you just said. I still don't know how in the world I came out of this whole thing with even a half grasp on my sanity... Amen to all you said. vstefans, yes, yes, and yes. Glad to know that you guys get it.

Self-inficted pain and misery is still pain and misery, and when dementia sets in to top it off, the miserable person is even less able to get any of what they want than they ever were, they lose any "filter" they ever had, and all their worst thoughts and behaviors are bursting out all over, without even a pretense of empathy that may have served to manipulate people into meeting their needs before.

This accounts for some, though not all, of the people who end up in facilities with no one who visits them. But, if you cannot find a way to be of real help to them, it is no use for you to just be sucked in and eaten alive. Placing someone and being a less frequent visitor may improve who they treat you; if they sense you will be there for them no matter how they act, they may never act any better. I say "may" because the capacity for consicous insight and real change may be nil, but many will treat infreuent visitors and staff better than the family member who cares for them all the time.

I would like to tell you to disregard all the ugly things mom says about you and to you, but I know first hand how hard it is to feel like a worthy human being when your own mom calls you stupid. Mine would brag about me to other people but still sometimes it was just like having posion dripped into you every day. It brought me down; I learned to do whatever little things I could that she might actually like and to expect nothing in the way of apology or supportiveness of any kind. There was no way on earth to learn all of her unwritten rules about what was to her liking and what was bad or stupid. I had already learned that emotional support would have to come from someone else, though of course Mom always discouraged contact and openness with anyone else...I had to learn to stop letting her discouarge me from having normal close relationships and from forgiving or overlooking rather than judging and holding grudges.

The saddest thing about my mom's life is that she had no idea of forgiveness; she simply always had to be right.

2tiredinflorida I wonder about this all the time, if they are going to be completely miserable and make everyone else miserable why not have her live in some kind of senior housing and not your house? I got the same thing going on. I think if I moved her to a senior place they would boot her out though. She can't live in my house I would kill myself. Can you get adult day care for her to go to then make her go? Don't be a prisoner there is zero gain. you aren't making her happy. i told my mother that if she tried to move in she would have mandatory weekly therapist and would be forced to take anti-anxiety meds she was prescribed. She scoffs. I am deadly serious. Don't let this be your life, she created her world and that's how she wants to live, she doesn't have to do it in your house. My mom throws plenty of fits, always has but now she has discovered that the audience is COMPLETELY GONE. After my dad died that was the last person on earth that was going to respond to her fits. Don't respond. If you are totally stuck with her in your house you need to respond. You know the whole.. they took care of you as a kid...etc? Well, then I would treat them like they treated us. There were no choices, Go to adult day care that's the law. I don't care if you like it, you are going. Put your foot down. It's your house. I"m sure she didn't cater to you and give you your way as a child. We rarely watched tv as kids she had us a slave labor to relieve her anxiety. She doesn't get to pick tv shows. She is welcome to go to her room. We are training my mother when she stays for long visits that if she doens't like what is going on she is free to go to her room and watch tv. No one cares if the kids are too loud or oh how she hates the RADIO on, music is her enemy. No one cares, just like a kid, get over it or go to your room. I say We don't complain in our house you will have to get use to the rules here. She gets soooo mad. She isn't going to run things here. I absolutely REFUSE to have that woman make me miserable. She did it for my whole growing up, it's over and done. She can't have anymore of my happiness. She can sulk alone. She's been doing it for 75 years...You watch what you want to, it's your house. she did the same when you were a kid! How about fining her a dollar every time she complains?? I'm thinking of starting that here, might make them shut up??

I know where you are coming from. I have been taking care of Mom since my Dad died seven years ago. I honestly think, she drove him to his grave. She was always telling him " It's time for us to go to our apartment" ( their crypt ) She would say that every day, finally he just gave up living and went downhill fast. She complains from sun up to sundown! I cannot leave the house, or she throws a fit. I am like a prisoner here! Yet she does nothing other than sit in her chair staring at the wall, or going through old photos. If I try to put on an old movie, or something I enjoy watching, She storms off to her room. All she does is sit in that damned chair and complain! I am like you, slowly going mad.

Naturelover55 - welcome and hugs. There is hope! You are not alone.
First, get her to a doctor for evaluation. Dementia like behavior can come from so many different things. Stroke, clashing meds, urinary tract infections, and more. It's important to get a doctor to pay attention to this to know what to do for her and you!

She may need care at home, or outside of home. Some of our folks do better in a senior care facility, and they are not all nursing homes. Sometimes they behave better for people in medical authority clothes, like nurses & doctors.

The meanness is so hard to bear. But it's a sign something is happening to her. Even if she's been this way mostly always. They are going to be better around people they don't see often, so you get to see it all because you are there all the time.

Please contact your local area on aging to connect with in-home services, financial assistance, and support. My tip is to never ask the elder if that's ok or if they want help to come in. If it's necessary, it is necessary. When I was 5 nobody asked me if i wanted to go to the dentist - I would have said no of course! You just do what you have to do to make her safe and yourself sane and protected.

You deserve a life with happiness and love. Please stay connected and let us know how it's going.

I goggled how to deal with a miserable parent and up came this site. I have read over 100 postings and feel I can relate to at least one thing in almost every posting.

My mother is and has always been very miserable, mean, jealous, angry and hateful all her life. I feel she is getting worse. Way back in elementary school she would tell the teachers not to allow me
to have friends, then when I started to date she would not give me phone messages.
My father would want to fist fight my dates. It was awful to say the least. My miserable father died a few years ago by choice, he released himself from the hospital (no one went to see him). He was tired of fighting with mom. He had no friends and relatives had nothing to do with both my parents. They would ruin holidays and to this day, mom still does. Well I thought to move my mom back to where she grew up (her mother died young and no one wanted the kids) so some were spilt up and she ended up with her grandfather. I moved her back here thinking it would be better for her. Small town, less crime, shopping close by, has a sister here and Senior Centers. She would rather sit home and complain all day and call me names.
We live together and I'm looking for work. I apply for lesser jobs too, still nothing. I met a nice guy and she hates him, calls him names daily and me too. Her favorite name for me is ass****. She uses the middle finger almost daily, in public, at home, at the store she makes scenes. I now wait in the car for her to shop. I sweep the floor and she will throw crumbs on the floor, she kicked food under the chair I sit on rather than pick it up, I saw her do this and she lies. Just in the last couple months she accuses me of stealing things, like a pen, or scissors. The pen was in front of her the whole time and the scissors she put in a bag two days earlier, she could not remember putting them there no matter how much I reminded her. We walked into her room together and there they were, in the bag where she put them. She misplaced money, I helped her look for it, moved furniture only to never find it? She accused me of stealing her recyclable and giving to my friend?? She was in a RAGE! Yelling, cussing, calling me names. I called the recycling company and they said they picked up, she called too but would not tell me what they said, so I called them myself, yet she never said sorry. She accuses me of stealing her salad dressing just two days ago when I saw it in front of her. Never does she say sorry.
I had mention this to my long time friend of 35 years who knows mom and he said it sounds like dementia? I am 54 and know nothing about dementia till last month. Does this sound like dementia? She is worse than ever. Do old people get mean as they age? She is pretty healthy and is not rich or poor. She can afford to do things but rather sit home and look for trouble. I get migraines so she sprays chemicals knowing I suffer. She slams doors when I have a migraine. She is horrible. Never is she wrong, she will argue till the sun goes down. She has to always be right. I can't say one thing without her "barking' at me. I don't even get half way done with my words and she is cutting me off to argue. There is NO reasoning. Today I fixed breakfast for myself, she said why? To throw it away? I cut fruit on a plate, she said why is that fruit bad? Why would I cut bad fruit on a plate? Everything is negative, EVERYTHING! I try to say very little to her now, but still she tries to argue.
It's a fight daily, she wakes in a bad mood EVERY day. I remember my father saying she is a miserable "B" and I agree. Never does she say good morning, its always something rude or cusses. I tell her I am going to ignore her and I do, still she goes on and on. I take her shopping and she starts yelling in the car. If I say I am going out with my friend, she calls him foul names, goes into a rage, yelling, cussing, throwing her arms up. I told her it's a jealous rage. There is no stopping her, she goes on and on and on, even if I leave the room.I find its best not to tell her things and when she ask, I say it's not your business. Usually she cusses at me or calls me names rather than saying OK. I use to take her out on day trips, NO more. My friend bought me a humming bird feeder and like to watch them, she said I'm stupid and the birds are stupid too. I have a cat, she says I'm stupid for talking to her. I tell her she's a good kitty and I'm stupid? I took mom on the trail to walk last week and get some exercise, she starts saying all my friends are losers? People were looking and I was embarrassed. I try to stay away from her, if I walk into another room she runs in and starts complaining or calling me names or my new friend. I told her he's here to stay, too bad, it's my life and I will pick my friends, not you. My friend has done a lot for me and has been there for me. I helped him when needed too. She responded with the F word. I hear the F word daily. So, so difficult. I can't afford
to move without a job. Today she called me many foul names, said I look stupid reading things on the computer. I told her some day you might need me and I won't help you. I have never known her to have friends and relatives stayed away cause my father would make scenes and call them names, plus my parents fought 24/7 even in public. He was a horrible father too, liar, cheater, thief. I am not sure if it's her age or the move back here maybe opened wounds or she's ill or what. But it's horrible to be around her. She refuses to get professional help, says I need it. Says she's the way she is cause of me, wishes she never had me. I have a brother who lives out of the area, He came to visit a couple months ago and saw the real mom, now he seldom calls her. He brought his girlfriend and mom said if you bring her...... Well, she embarrassed us. Made the visit a living hell. She told me on the last day of his visit, I warned him.

.Any advice is appreciated.

Jessiemae, there is no one else to help him because of his behavior. He is taking advantage. Do very little for him. Especially if he tried to molest you. I would look deep into myself to see why I felt obligated to take care of this creepy man.

Thanks for your comments. He already gets meals on wheels, but fusses about them not being very good. We live in a rural area, so they come once a week and bring a weeks worth of frozen meals. I think he eats those for his evening meal. He still drives and goes to town a couple times a week. He is too tight to spend much on food. He gets mostly breakfast food like sweet rolls, frozen breakfast sandwiches. His pantry is pretty much bare and so is his refrigerator. There is a little store/gas station across from his house that has a few fast food items and four days a week they serve a plate lunch. Sometimes when I'm in a tight for time, I go get him a plate lunch from there, but if I'm not around he just sits there and says he eats cheese and crackers or something like that. At least that's what he says he does. I don't go out there on weekends and he will actually go across the road and get a hamburger then. I know I'm silly for messing with him, but I feel guilty if I don't try to help him out because there's no one else to help him.

I agree scale back what you are doing he does not appreciate you and what you do for him get meals on wheels -they give extra food for weekends and bad weather-he probably will not like the meals but too bad-maybe his behavior will change

Jessiemae - if he won't sign durable power of attny documents naming you, then I'd scale the work way back. Bring in meals on wheels, and get him into a senior day program. Without dpoa, your time is a free gift to him and you gave no recourse.

My aunt was exactly like your mother. She had no children and no friends, so I had to deal with her. She passed away a couple of years ago and sounds horrible on my part, but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Now I am stuck with her husband, my uncle, who is exactly like her. He is 91, still lives alone, but thinks I am supposed to take care of him. I go fix his lunch everyday and resent every second of it. He isn't my blood kin as my aunt was my mother's sister. When I was a teenager, he tried to sexually abuse me until I finally ran off and married my husband and moved to another state. I was free of them until they moved close to me so I could take care of them about 20yrs. ago. after my mother died. His family in another state doesn't have anything to do with him. He is so obnoxious and I couldn't stand to have him live with me. Those people ruined a significant number of yrs. in my life and if the time comes when he can no longer live alone, he will just have to go to a NH. He is stingy and tries to play the blackmail and pity card every time I am around him. He is always saying things like he is leaving everything to me, so I need to take care of him. I'm sure he has quite a bit of money that he has hoarded through the years, but pretty sure it will go to the family that has nothing to do with him. I don't want it anyway, just want him to go away. Yesterday I was having to help with straightening out the new health care supplement he got when he retired from the company he worked for. The company changed providers and it has been a nightmare. He tells me I will get it when he's gone, so I need to get it all straightened out. I flat told him that this is health, not life insurance, so it is only going to help him, not me. It is nothing to me, I am only trying to be helpful because there is no one else that will do it. Then he goes into pitiful mode. I am so sick of him!!!!! It isn't my fault nobody likes him and he has no friends or family.

@mbvargo - do you have my mom in your house? My mom had to stay with us for almost a month while some construction was finished in her sr. Apt. We were all near suicidal by the end of it. She must live alone. MUST. I refused to let her damage my kids and put them through what I had to go through. She had to GO. She has to be lonely but any time a person gets close to her, she just crumples them up and throws them away with the demands, complaining, smothering, controling negativity. It feels like someone is crushing your windpipe.

I encourage you to look into senior housing and how she can fund it herself and with financial aid/subsidies.

I did not bring my mom into our holiday gatherings. I knew she would show off, and do anything necessary to ruin it for everyone. She has not been in my home since she moved out mid-November. She may never be again. This is our safe haven.

If she has fantasies about how we ought to be sitting at her knee anticipating every little thing, waiting for instructions, petting her ego, fawning and kissing up, then she ought to know about my fantasy that will never happen.

My fantasy is that she'd be loving, accepting of everyone of us for who we are, allow us to be our own person with opinions and dreams. She'd be pleasant, friendly, and reassuring. That's all. Just nice to be around. But she isn't. Not even when it seems all her demands and terms are met. So, we do our thing our way, and I apologize to my kids that they got shortchanged in the grandma department.
There won't be dinners, holidays, recitals, cookie baking, shopping, or any of those other nice thigns with her. Too bad, but it's not worth the trouble. You are not alone.

If you substituted the word "my spouse" instead of my parent when you talk about their personalities people would ALL tell you to get out of there as fast as you can, divorce, call the police. But when you say "my mother" well then you're encouraged to deal with the abuse because you must. It's weird. I read you all every evening while getting ready to make that phone call into crazy land. Gear up. The past few days she's been explaining to me how she is moving into my "mansion" because she is tired of taking care of herself and I have nothing better to do. And besides it's free for her to live here. Oh and "Not like her last 4 week stay where I was running in and out and making her crazy". She actually said things are gonna change when she moves in "I'll see" she says meanly. Meaning putting everything to her liking etc etc. she sat here for four weeks over Christmas complain complain too hot too cold food sucks. No music can be played. The phone ringing sends her into fake panic it's soo loud. She wants me to sit and watch tv with her all day. She wants my 15 year old to get her dollhouse out and play with it. She wants exactly what she wants when she wants it no please or thank you then she'll complain about it. She has ruined every holiday which we are obligated to spend with her never the inlaws ever. The more boundaries I build the louder meaner and more resentful she gets. Hahaha. So. Yeah I feel ya. Please god don't let her live to 101. Please please. I....have no advice about holidays and all. Im resigned to her sucking the life out of them til she's gone. The kids absolutely hate it. She gets her way or she cause a big yelling fight. We never say a word back but you can cut the tension with a knife. She is addicted to the adrenaline of fighting and provoking and hurting. I think every year I'm going to leave her alone and protect my family and every year I manage to bring her foul self here. Help us all. Oh here's a gem she said wait til I move in you'll see that your husband likes me better. Oh hshaha don't count on that satan.