My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

I know this is a bit off topic, but if someone wants to bring up religion and their faith we should have the right to do so. Everyone has their opinion about what is and what is to come. If you don't believe in the Bible or the here after, then that is your choice. Do not tell people that believe not to talk about it. That is your own issue so leave it to yourself. We are not allowed to bring up the Bible, being gay, being black, or other things that "bother" people. But it amazes me how people who are gay can do rallys for gay marriage, people who do not believe in the Bible or God can speak freely of that too. But it seems those that believe in the Bible and God are not allowed to speak of that freely. Something is wrong with that picture people and I am not staying quiet to keep you comfortable. I BELIEVE!!!!! and proud of it.

Ummm. I don't think they have an option to change the status from "currently caring for" but if there is and I missed it let me know. I'm, well, I guess guilty as charged about expressing thoughts that include religion, there are times its just a big part of the picture but, not intending to be preachy or any kind of authority though...best I can do on that. Now - just teasing - you do realize you just accused a *Catholic* of being a "Bible-thumper"? - I think Papa Francis would be proud, but then he's well known to be on the wild and crazy side. :-)

vstefans your profile states that your mom died in 2011, It also states that you are currently caring for her. Which is it? That aside, please let's not get into religion. Religion is a personal choice and bible thumping helps no-one so please don't do it.

Report from the trenches: you would think that since I'm literally the ONLY family member on this planet who is willing to spend any time with mom at all, that she would be nice. Oh no. 9.9 out of 10 conversations end with me having to just hang up because of her vile, angry accusations and "crazy talk" (that's a technical term). It's sad to think this 76 year old woman never did and never will have any ability to preserve relationships. None whatsoever. So, I have boundaries and I'm not afraid to use them. I always have to tell her that when she starts being mean and nasty I'm done. I'll walk out or hang up. She can try again another day.

Some people wasted their lives doing what they thought was right for them. They made others unhappy in the process, and the chance to love and be loved that could have filled this life with joy will have to wait for the life of the world to come. What do you call that? Stubborness? Selfishness? Inability to admit you were ever wrong so unable to take that step of repentance of change when the evidence of the need to do so is staring you in the face? It is what my mother had, and the answers to my prayers were that she was doing what she thought was right and that little bit of goodness she had in that would not be taken away from her, however wrong it was for the rest of us.

I believe in the life of the world to come, but I also believe in not wasting this one! My Jesus cared about the tears and heartaches, even the ones He was going to heal and make right. We did what we could to make those last years, months, and days fill up with good experiences and good memories, even though there was not that much we could do, and it became less and less. Just for background, we Catholics have a doctrine of Purgatory that suggests there is a chance to get cleaned up a little (or maybe a lot) before being ready for the life of Heaven...not all of us can grow enough from what we go through inthis life to get all that "housework" done. Recently I have had more of a sense that my mom has made some progress there, just a little more peace of a deeper kind that is letting go of past hurts, hopefully on both sides.

Here's hoping we all live a life that leaves us and our loved ones at peace at the end, not a ton of regrets for all involved.

I visited my mother in the NH yesterday afternoon. She couldn't get words out and was talking gibberish. I've seen her like that before when she was having a stroke. Got the RN to check her over. Blood pressure and everything was fine, probably had a TIA. Her ability to string a few words together came and went while I was there. In the 15 years she's had Parkinsons I've never seen her shake but her legs are shaking all the time now. Between Parkinsons, dementia and strokes her body has taken an awful beating over the years and I feel she only has a very short time left.

The notice board at the foot of her bed is full of pictures - the huge house she shared with my late father, them on vacation, cruises, Florida, her dogs, my old dog who was with us when I cared for her, my father in navy uniform before they married - memories. She feels she'll pass very soon and so do I.

Since changing my phone number and backing away I've not felt well, light headed and headachy, anxious, no energy, just staying home. Reflecting last evening I just found it so sad. She spent her life trying to be #1+, acquiring possessions, bigger and better, never lifting a finger to help anyone, not even her own parents, fighting with everyone for supremacy, including my father who she treated like dirt, yet she was never really happy with anything.

What a waste of a life. I came to this country with 2 suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week and spent my life working my butt off. Now retired I plan to do some volunteer work and get out and about. I will not waste whatever time I may have left.

Seriously - enough with the cold and snow Mother Nature. It's up to my armpits around here and more is coming. I am sick of having to bundle up like the Michelin Man to be outside for just a few minutes. My snow boots & I growl at each other when I walk by. Ooof. I'm going to start tunneling to Hawaii.

Mom saw a kidney specialist last week and her function is down to 25%. More tests are scheduled. This is due to refusing to eat right, ignoring her diabetes, and having high blood pressure for decades. She's on 19 meds right now, and expected the kidney doc to give her more. She will not comply with insulin, taking her 19 pills, checking her blood sugar, or not eating so much dairy & dark pop by the 55 gallon drum. The phosphorus in it is really bad for someone in her shape.

Ultimately, she is so stubborn and belligerent that she won't follow any instructions or rules, and she'll end up on dialysis when her function drops to 10%. I sure hope they can bring it to her. I can't and won't quit my job or use up all my vacation time for this. My time off is for my little family to use on our family things. Not doing something totally hopeless for someone who did not have to be in this shape.

BUT, I learned something interesting. When she was little, before starting school (between 1940-44ish), she had a really bad kidney infection (Bright's Disease, which is a lot like "Dropsy" in that it means almost nothing.) She was bedridden for a long time and had to be carried around. The neighbor lady brought her cookies all the time. She says this went on over a year, but who knows. What I did figure out is that it went on long enough to teach her that you have to be sickly and needy to get attention and love. She's carried this on ever since and gets pissy when people aren't paying enough attention to her because of her many conditions. Sad. The world doesn't work that way anymore. Nobody goes out visiting to sit with the sick and shut in like they did in the 40s. The world has changed a lot since then. Patients are supposed to be really involved in their care and own a lot of personal responsibility for their condition. Mom hates that. She has never really wanted to be well. She's got her wish and it's only down hill from here.

She also feels no control whatsoever over her feelings. Emotions are like random tidal waves to her and are somebody else's job to manage. So there we have it. The roots of a lot of really negative behaviors that have only gotten worse over time and won't change. She keeps saying the doctor has told her to stay calm and stop getting so upset over little things, but she doesn't think she can. Her feelings are a roller coaster she's just riding. All kinds of things really upset her, to the point of tears and hyperventilating. Seeing a sad dog on TV, the snowplow going by, or her socks being on backwards. Or finding out her 72 year old sister is in rehab care for a stroke. It could be anything.

I too keep my phone off overnight, since she has a habit of calling me at 10 p.m. to rant about whatever isn't making her happy. Mainly that the groceries filling up her fridge aren't the thing she's craving at the moment, which obviously means she's out of food and I have to go shopping. (Nope! Not this time. I went to a food & wine expo with my hubs today.) Nobody's called to say she died yet, so I assume she's just fine even though I didn't overstock her fridge with food that will most assuredly go bad anyway. Once it's bought, she stops craving whatever it is. It's like magic.

It's raining here too, we need rain!! The rivers and lakes are so low. It snowed a couple months ago, I loved it! Only my second time to see snow fall from the sky. I use to live in a big city. I feed the wild birds on my porch and humminbirds. I love nature. Deers walk around on the property. I see coyotes, racoons and when I walk
the trails, I see eagles, deer, bobcats. I love taking pictures and sitting by the water. Really is relaxing till it's time to leave. I really enjoy this website too. I have learned a lot.
Thanks everyone! :)

I'm in SW Ontario, Canada. It's bitterly cold and I've still got 4' snowdrifts in the back 40. The wild birds are eating me out of house and home :)

Hi naturelover - no I am not in California, but in a different CA - Canada fairly far north, Right now our trails are buried in snow and the wind is wicked today, I will not be able to enjoy the trails for a while yet.

emjo you wrote : Nature works for me too. We have a green belt, and a ravine lots of trees and trails across the street - deer who eat my cedars, birds, squirrels...It builds you up again.
I was curious if you live in CA as I have the same across the
street? All this beauty, wildlife and fresh air helps!

Sunny they say it`s policy to call for anything, even the smallest thing. My phone is off the hook from 5 p.m. to maybe 9 a.m. There are A1 staff on duty 24é7 and a hospital 4km away. If there`s a problem I`ll deal with it tomorrow. I refuse to live on the edge any more, dreading, heart banging, stomach thumping in knots and be harassed or bothered by anyone. I`ve taken my life back.

Hi Emjo, so sorry to hear the meds aren't working yet - maybe they need more time? What kind of meds is she on? I might have missed some of your updates my reading has been hit or miss lately. Still rooting for things to work out so you can have some r-e-l-i-e-f.

HI Lynne, I hope your phone boundaries work out well. I suspect I will be in for the same challenge at some point in the future. Aren't nursing homes to some degree supposed to be able to handle things without calling someone all the time?

Emjo "detach" has to be our mantra. My phone comes off the hook at 5 p.m. every day, or earlier if I feel like it. I have no plans to visit in the next week, or two, or three or whenever ... if/when I can stomach it, if at all. If/when I visit I spend the next day, apart from basic chores, angry, miserable, exhausted and sleeping. Enough!

jewel - good for you. Things are moving. Even when your mum is placed you need to be careful. You always need to be careful around a narcissist. - detach detach - detach

lynne - visiting is a nightmare for me too. I talked to the social worker and the meds have not made any difference so far, so I doubt I will see her. It is too hard. Once the ALF called in the middle of the night when mother went to hospital. As usual there was nothing wrong with her. I told them to call me in the morning after that because there was nothing I could do till then, anyway. Hope your storm isn't too bad. I was born in Ontario and in your are there could be some bad ones.

SW Ontario and we're having nasty weather - rain, thunder and lightning. My hydro went out late morning but it was just the breakers tripped. I live out in the middle of nowhere and have a huge generator wired into the house but to fire it up I have to go out to the shed beside the house with a flashlight through snow drifts. Hope it doesn't go out tonight!

Yes, it takes a toll on your emotional and physical health. I had never had a panic attack until a few months ago. I hope I never have another one. I started yoga and it has really helped me to learn to calm down. Tonight, the wind is bad and we are expecting severe weather. Her electric has flickered enough to mess up her clocks. She has called me literally 5 times in 20 minutes telling me this. The night time caregiver will be there around 8 p.m and I was brave enough to tell her that the caregiver will fix her clocks. She didn't like that answer so she called me again. I had decided if she called again, I wasn't answering because I know the caregiver will be there to take care of it. This has taken me many years to learn I do not have to be quiet to keep her comfortable. I am learning to back off and let her depend on others.

Jeweltone go for it! I wasn't brave at all but I had a mini stroke while driving a couple of weeks ago, a warning sign, and it was either her or me. Even visiting her now is a nightmare. Visited yesterday (awful), then got a phone call at supper time that she'd climbed out of her wheelchair and ended up on the floor again. I spent most of the day today wasted, tired and slept a lot.

It's almost 5 p.m. and I'm about to feed my critturs and me. The phone just rang and I let the machine pick it up but there was no message left - likely someone selling something. The NH takes wonderful care of her but they call me for any little thing (policy), sometimes multiple times, which makes me crazy.

Going forward my phone comes off the hook at 5 p.m. and stays off until I get up in the morning. I'm no doctor, and if she falls, injures herself and is carted off to hospital I'll deal with that tomorrow.

You are a brave soul. I wish I would have thought of that...changing my phone. I am finally getting mymom to agree to AL. Well, let me clarify. She is not agreeing, she just doesn't know what else to do--she tells me. I see this as an agreement, and I am acting on it. Once she is there, I am going to limit my phone calls, visits, and other things with her. I will also still do shopping or what she needs, but not always what she wants. I am like you, I need time away and some peace. I am hoping in a few months to go to the beach or somewhere peaceful and forget about the last 3 years that she has manipulated and controlled my life even more so than she did before. I realize her "lucid" moments don't last so I am acting quickly this next week and weekend to get everything done and move her fast. Hang in there and hopefully peace will come easy for all ofus.

Nature works for me too. We have a green belt, and a ravine lots of trees and trails across the street - deer who eat my cedars, birds, squirrels...It builds you up again I am not surprised you are tired, ash. I think there is a reaction once the immediate crisis is over. I am not taking on anything. I haven't called to see if mother is OK in hospital, I am going down there next week to visit with the psychiatrist and social worker and not sure if will see her. I truly need some space from the stress. It was affecting my health too much.

Have barn swallows every summer too. They keep the mosquitoes & bugs down, even following me on the tractor when I mow.,

Yep I'm still sleeping in and napping under a lot of snow. I live out in the country and soon there will be hundreds of snow geese on the fields, the backyard tree will be in full bloom and the asparagus & rhubarb will start to pop up.

We have deer, wild turkey, bunnies and frogs/toads in the pond. Come good weather I sit on the deck in the evening and drink in nature and peace until the light fades. Nature feeds my soul and will help me heal.

agreed - veg, chill, enjoy the uninterrupted solitude, do only what you want to.

Once I googled the phrase "Leave me alone", as I felt that cry in my heart. It led me articles on dysfunctional, narcissistic, manipulative parents and that that is a common need amongst their children. A light bulb went on in my head.

I haven't been able to sort stuff much the last few months so piles have accumulated. Some years ago I read of children under stress doing not well in school because stress changes brain chemicals. I know that has been happening to me and it affects how I function. Sorting is not something that comes easily to me anyway. Started doing a bit more today. Must be recovering a bit. (((((((hugs)))))) to all do good things for yourself.

Ash, that's exactly what I want to do. Veg. Chill. Sleep. Enjoy the quiet. And that's it. And I'm doing it. And I love it. :)

Sounds like just what the Dr ordered ...choosing not to be the victim is healthy ...wishing you bountiful peace and quiet

After a lifetime of the cr*p I'm still shaky but for the next few days, or for as long as I need to, I'm vegging - staying up late, sleeping in and hanging with my critturs in the peace and quiet out here in the country.

So glad ..just breathe and enjoy the life you've built for yourself :)

I did it! I changed my phone number and made it unlisted. What spurred me into action? Driving locally last week I suddenly had a sort of hot flash and my vision went blurry for a few seconds. My mother has had strokes and my maternal grandmother and aunt died of stroke so it really scared me.

Met with the NH admin today and we've decided on fibs. If my mother tries to call she'll get "no longer in service" and staff will tell her my phone is out of order. That buys me a peaceful weekend. Next time I visit (bearing the usual chocolates, cookies, apple juice and bottled water) and she asks about it I'm going to say I rarely use it so I'm not going to bother and will just use my cell phone but there's no point in her having the number because I only turn it on when I want to call someone.

Of course I'll still visit, get her shopping and keep her affairs in order - she just can't get at me any more. Yay!!

Thank you for this blog, glad I am not alone. My mother lives 2000 miles away and its not far enough. My mother's hatefulness is directed not only me but my children, which is really hard to hear, she says terrible things about them. My kids are all college educated, have great jobs, own their homes, great kids. My son drove 2000 miles and stopped in to say hello and all she talked about is how she felt he was overweight, that's all she got out of his visit. My younger son, she says to me whenever I mention him, "oh, maybe I would love him if I lived by him", who says stuff like that about their grandkids, drives me nuts! Most days when she calls I ring the doorbell to make my dogs bark and say I have to go, someone is here, I can't take her nastiness. She tells me if she could do life over again, she wouldn't have so many kids, I'm number 5 out of 6 in the mix, which really makes me feel great!

Hey! How about a "you might get kicked out" sticker chart like I used for the kids. How about everytime you complain about the food temp noise tv children lights washing machine house you get A BLCK STAR. 50 black stars earns you weekly counseling 100 stars and you go to assisted living. Sort of worked for the kids. Insult me gets a black star. Then make a big deal like here mom when you made fun of me it got you a black star. Now you have 5 black stars...etc.