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This describes my mother. She never altered, an unpleasant woman all her life, and continues to be so, even in the throes of LBD. I now have a martyr younger sister too, who runs after my mother like a lovesick puppy. My dad was mother's enabler - since he died, my sister has stepped into his enabling shoes. I am quietly losing my sanity with it all😧
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Hi I feel your pain. My mother has been the same. Dad died early at 48 from a massive heart attack, I was 25 and my brother 23. We immediately felt we had to grow up and look after mum and take dads place. Well in hindsight that was the worst decision ever. Mum ruled my life, and I let her, as I felt sorry for her and loved her. She was different with my brother. My doctor told me to stand up for myself but that only made the situation worse. Anything and everything was never good enough for her. She complained about everything. Picnics were never good enough for birthdays with the children. If our little family went for a pizza for a bday and she wasn’t included (for my husbands sake) she would fight with me for the next week. She had 5 operations in one year. I did everything for her. Paid bills, looked after the house, fed the garden and watered but when I didn’t show her a new lamp I had purchased because I wanted it to be a surprise when she came out for my daughters birthday dinner, she abused hell out of me and fought with me for a week over this bloody lamp. I moved back to her suburb to be closer to look after her and she accused my husband and myself of being snobs as he had just become a Manager and we were able to update our home for our children. Is she kidding? The suburb I moved back to, to care and be close to her! I have suffered so much anxiety and depression . I was told by a counsellor to stop seeing mum so much, cut it down to once a week. Not long after that she had a stroke, had to give up driving and I was left to take up the slack. Pay bills, do her shopping, cooking, the list is endless. I had so much resentment it was making me sick. Something had to change for me to be able to continue to do what I did. I had to learn forgiveness. It has been the only way I could get through life without killing myself. I was so sick. Mum is still alive today. She has just turned 90 and is in a beautiful aged care facility. Her mind is going these days. Doesn’t remember a lot of things but I find I still struggle with my feelings. There has been so much emotional abuse but I am trying to do the best I can but it’s extremely hard. I cry a lot. I am blessed though as I managed to get her and her brother 94(whom I was also looking after) he had no children, into aged care facilities just before the Covid breakout - what a blessing! Well my uncle just passed on Sunday and mum is the last one standing out of 4 children. I must be being punished for something, even though I have always loved her and tried to do my best. The emotional abuse I have suffered has taken its toll though, as I am still trying to get well after all the shit I have endured. Forgiveness is the only way through!

Take care anyone going through similar situations. It takes its toll.

Life is tough
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I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this. I have the same problem and I’ve dealt with it my whole life. My mother stop talking to me because I told her she needed to speak with someone about her moods and harsh words with people. She never talk to me when I delivered my baby in the hospital and has done terribly mean things to my sisters as well. I’ve learned to grieve for what I would’ve had with my mother and just be as nice as I can be but currently I have blocked her from messages. The best things to do is have your time with your children and if she can’t be pleasant and kind and causes problems have a separate celebration with her.
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Oh my dear soul sister. I swear ya just wrote about my life 20 years in the future. Please know ya are a great daughter, always have been and always will be. Please quit letting her ruin your life and your children's happy Holidays!! Ya totally HAVE to take care of yourself for your kids' sake. Please know ya are doing nothing wrong. Take care of you!! 💋💜xoxo Tiff
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I realize this is an older post, so I have the feeling that the issue has probably already been resolved.

I just have to say that you're NOT alone and you should not feel selfish or guilty. I'd suggest that you get therapy if you DO feel badly about not wanting to associate yourself with a narcissist, regardless of the relationship.

I had a very similar situation. I invited my mother to come and live with us, made all of the arrangements, my mother moved in for two months, then I had to ask her to leave.

During her stay, I would come home from work, everything would be normal, we would chat for a while. On Saturdays / Sundays we would spend the day together, then as the day would wind down and I"d get up to leave the room, my mother would follow me and accuse me of trying to get away from her.

During this time, her place was for sale. She would make the comment that she just wanted to sell her place and "get out of here" meaning my home. She would talk about how her best friend "probably died" because she (my mother) had begun to refuse to accompany this friend to her various doctor appointments. She accused everyone of theft, my niece, my sister, the caregivers. (With my niece and sister, these accusations began long ago).

My brother says this is the beginning of Alzheimers and this could well be, however, my mother has had these very same propensities toward narcissistic behavior for her entire life. My mother excelled at driving wedges between people, wedges that would last a lifetime.

I felt badly, felt like I needed to explain myself to the caregiver service after my mother returned to her home, but after the agency had spent six months servicing my mother, they went through six different care givers, I think they can now appreciate my dilemma.

The guilt was killing me, too, right after all of this transpired, but after some time I realized that it's all just a matter of self preservation and realizing that if someone constantly acts out toward others, then these sort of negative outcomes are to be expected.
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Dear One,
Do yourself a favor and get some counseling for yourself. Dr Laura Schlessinger would tell you that you have a shitty mother & there’s nothing you can do about it. In fact, she wrote a book called “Bad Childhood-Good Life” for adults who need to say goodbye to that parent once and for all. Counseling will help you to walk away from this narcissistic mother of yours w/your dignity intact. We are called to honor our parents and sometimes that means the best way to do that is to stay away and check in w/her care givers every once in a while to make sure she’s being cared for. The guilt you’re experiencing is an extension of all the purposeful guilt she caused you as a child. Am I right? It’s time for you to become healthy and independent of her toxic personality.
God gave you a beautiful life to live. I pray you would put yourself first and learn how to get free and live your life w/joy. You can do this!!! ❤️🙏
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@StevanLent
You said things so many others want to, but can’t lol....

Some say move on, protect yourselves but sometimes it’s just not that easy.
I love my mom although these last five years have been hellish.
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I feel you
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You are not alone! I feel the same way! Except my mother is 100 and lives alone in her condo, blames me for all kinds of things. My brother who is now 72 hasn’t spoken to her in 6 years and I am 65 and can’t deal with her anymore. My sister passed away, I am the only one left and she is alienating me too.
my adult children can’t stand her either.
i don’t know what to do anymore. I am so stressed and getting fiscally sic from her.
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I can Definitely relate to what you are saying and describing. My mom has always been 2 faced,hateful, She complains about everything and everyone talks about everyone behind their back no one is spared. She has never respected my boundaries she has humiliated me devalued me demeaned me but less thing to heart talk she is the victum and I am the one that was mean to her when I stood up for myself after she accused me of things. I know what you are saying about the guilt my counselor advised me to have limited contact since our last argument/she ambushed me out of the blue with terrible accusations. Then smeared me to the rest of my family. Due to my own mental health, I can no longer afford to be around someone so toxic sick and negative! I told my dad I'm there for them if they need something but other than that that's going to be it. Counselor said to set down some strict boundaries. Which of course she doesn't like and is not going to abide by she's been calling and leaving messages about trivial matters that's not what I had in mind and she knows it. It's all about control with her! If you dare to even mention the topic of control that she might have a bit of a problem with it she'll go into a rage. Then she'll tell you that you have always been controlling and they you stabbed both her and her husband in the back and now you're trying to control them. I literally give up I'm 62 and I'm tired of dealing with it I want peace and quiet. Hurry my stepdad love drama chaos and turning people against each other they love to Stir stuff up. It's like they thrive on it. Even the 2 of them are constantly at each other's throats for 56 years now each one has to be the winner get the upper hand have the control. I couldn't live like that and being around with all the bickering and fighting is ridiculous. It's as if when you come over, the curtains open and the show begins.... Sad but true.
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Get on with your life with no regrets . Life is too short to second guess yourself. She is unappreciative and you can’t change that. So, be done with her to save yourself.
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This could be my father-in-law. He was a controlling awful man who tried to manipulate everyone he could through threats and downright meanness. My mother-in-law died after 65 years of marriage and he had no one to control so he focused on my husband. Fortunately we lived 120 miles away so my spouse could not drop everything and be there on a moment's notice. My husband's brothers lived hundreds of miles away and they didn't bother to get involved with his care plus they were so intimidated by him that their spouses refused to get involved either. Before she died we moved both of his parents into an assisted living home. The minute she died he hired someone to help him move back home since we refused. Over the space of 6 months he was in and out of the same home three times. We would get calls constantly from him to come see him because of some problem. Fortunately it would go directly to voicemail. Finally the supervisor of the home denied him moving back and said he was a mean spirited controlling man and unwelcome. He hired a homecaregiver someone he could boss around who was recommended and related to his handiman. She took him for thousands of dollars plus a new car. Fortunately for all of us (I know this sounds terrible) he died. After 17 years I still have flashbacks of his awfulness when I see something that reminds me of him. He was truly an awful bastard and that is how he will be remembered and that is his legacy.
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I think I have the male version of her as my father. I have not been able to figure out a way to deal with him either. I am trying to help him as well. He has burned every bridge and nobody wants anything to do with him.
The only thing I can say is don't call or see her when you are having a hard time with her. Take time for yourself as long as you know she is safe and she has people to care for her then step away for a bit.
Know that you are not alone there are many of us going through it and you can always find someone to talk to. You are not selfish you just expect to be treated like a human being should be treated.
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Beagle, when your mom gets nasty, leave the room or the house. If she asks for something impossible say "I can't possibly do that".

It takes two to engage. Be the Grey Rock.
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Today is my mom's 84th birthday & it hasn't been a good day!
She lives w/ me & pushes my buttons & challenges me into arguing... & it wears on my mental health. She wants everything her way , entitlement....which i cannot always give. If she doesn't get her way...boy..watch out..she's all over me. I don't know how to handle it as she cannot afford to live any place else.
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Be grateful you are not like that.
My mom is as evil as evil gets as she always spent the welfare checks on alcohol and cigarettes now she complains about anything or anyone but she has always been This way "entitled" but never worked. Inconsiderate, disrespectful, rude, self centered, self rightous and just plain fake. Her day consist of bad mouthing all her children especially if we stick up for one another always trying to pit one against another. I will not ask for my grandchildren to have to even know her any longer for fear of mental abuse she may instill. Nobody likes her she never had true friends. 12 children and we were only a welfare check. She doesn't take responsibility for her terrible life of drinking and kicking us out at 11 years of age complete denial and living a liein her crazy mind. She's basically a pathetic thing who is not worth knowing.
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I am 51 and have had a very hateful relationship with my mother, pretty much since birth. She has made it quite clear to me and my sisters that we are worthless and a waste of space. I even stopped talking to her for 4 years. Well, she was diagnosed with Parkinson's so I moved back home to be her full time care giver. It was going great for about 7 months. I had the kind of relationship with my mom that I had hoped for all my life. Then she went down hill fast so we had to put her into a rehab for awhile. I don't know what happened but she turned evil again. She only stayed at the rehab for a few weeks and was back home again. She was absolutely unbearable. She even called the cops on me because I didn't do what she wanted me to and told the police that I was keeping her hostage in her room. We finally put her back into a nursing home and she has gotten worse, attitude wise. I don't even like talking to her anymore because all of our conversations end up with her telling me how much she hates me and that I don't care about her, blah, blah, blah. She treats my step dad like absolute garbage but he just takes it. I don't understand how a "mother" can behave in such a way towards her own children.
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I understand what you’re going through. I’ve had to distance myself from my mom for similar reasons. She now is recovering from chemo and radiation but she should be stronger by now. She is manipulating everyone in order to get attention and she thinks it’s perfectly fine for someone to totally give up their own family to take complete care of her. She is verbally abusive , complains about everything and nothing is enough for her. She’s even jealous that my stepfather is sicker than her. She doesn’t want anyone to help him. She says that he needs to be in a nursing home. And yet she refuses to get up out of bed , do her rehab, listen to Dr orders,or even use her walker. She can walk by herself but just needs the support of the walker. She’d rather make one of us live with her and wait on her hand and foot. I’m at the end if my rope. I wish you all the best because I’m right there with you. I don’t know who to turn to. She will not accept any help unless they do everything she wants including sleeping. She wants to control when you sleep and what time you go to sleep. No one can get through to her. I’m ready to walk out of her life but I’m scared. I have no answers yet but hoping God will work this out for you and me. Take care
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You are in control of your own boundaries. You're mother isn't. Do what you feel is best for you and your family. Your mother made her bed years ago. Now she can lay in it. I have a mother the same way. I refuse to let her cross those boundaries. Good luck
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hello. the same. what a ball of sh*t, right. I do for my mom alone, while my dead beat half witted stoned siblings ignore every responsibliity. Yet she gets along with them. Me I am the *sshole. I just keep telling myself, you'd do this for any human. Nonetheless I long for her passing. She's miserable. I've only recently stopped supplementing what my dead beat siblings take from her every month. I tell myself when she is finally dead if that is even a possibility I am free from them all. Thank God for friends and chosen family and travel and curiousity. That saved me.
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Omg I think we have the same mother!!!!
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Are you my sister?
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Im so sorry Helen...it's a really tough spot to be in. I feel your pain. These mothers of ours want to be the driving force in everything we do. It's maddening !! Nothing satisfies them. They suck the air out of the room...an American saying. The neediest people on the planet...its worse than a 2 yr old. My Mother has always preferred the men in our family...females will always take a backseat....but take all crap !! Men can do no wrong. Your husband has to be on your side in this. My sister banded together with me & has had 2 very long & upfront conversations about her behavior towards me & my ending all contact with her & why I had to do it. It's a tug-of-war situation with these narcissistic mothers. We can't change them. If you can...please try to have a calm, straightforward discussion about your concerns. It right help. Please continue to update us on your situation. Venting here...to people who walk in the same shoes as you will hopefully help ease some of your burdens. Hang in there Helen :)
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I am at my wits' end today; my brother decided - on my birthday - to tell me that Mum has now noticed we are not going round as much and, as expected, objects to it; she says she misses my husband (the compliant one who usually does her bidding; not me, of course!) and that I am always either ill or working (this from the woman who once said I shouldn't waste my degree). She told him she had left her carer bill for my husband to take to the office even though she passes it on her way to the cafe, and admitted she had sat in a cold draught all day because she 'couldn't be bothered' to get up and close the window. When I told my husband, who moaned that he is 'pig in the middle' and can't please both of us, that he should really put me first, we practically had a fight. I can't get a doctor's appointment easily because of coronavirus; we are sure Mum is depressed and may have early dementia, but if we suggest going to the GP she will accuse us of 'wanting her taken away by the men in white coats' and probably refuse to go. I am desperate; I don't know where to turn for help.
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Piper,

Fantastic news! I wish you and your family all the best. You handled that perfectly! We really do have to be direct when going through transitional times.

We also have to put ourselves first, which can be difficult due to being made to feel so damn guilty all of the time.

You took charge and succeeded! Wonderful news! I am pulling for you. 💗
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Good for you Piper ! You've made some headway. That must a huge relief for you. Speaking calmly & keeping control the conversation...when it's possible...are key elements to getting your point across to Mother's like we all seem to have. My sister has been somewhat successful in this approach. Our Mother seems to listen to her & responds better to her than me. I'm too low on her Totem Pole to deserve the same respect & acknowledgement. Our whole family realizes who & what she is. She's not fooling anyone. We see now that we've let it go on far too long. My brother's widow called me after being at my Mother's house. No telling what all she was told...we didn't discuss the particulars...but she asked me point blank..."Why did you wait sooo long to do this ? " She's seen how I've been treated for the 30 yrs she's been my sister-in-law. She told my Mother how wrong she is & to make amends with me. I'm not interested any time soon. She told me to stay away from her for now...it as long as I need to. Her support & acknowledgment have told me I'm right in what I'm doing.

Thanks so much to this community of good people...all of in situations we never deserved to be in. Support during bad times is invaluable. You all have so much to offer. Maybe someday we'll all get a better outcome...just like Piper has :)

All
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Well done Piper! It probably went well because you'd prepared yourself well and you stayed firm in outlining your difficulties. I hope this is making you feel a bit better in yourself. Hoping it will all continue to go well for you.
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Piper, I am SOOOOOO proud of you!!!!

Good job getting the dialogue started and keeping hold of the reins!
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I also want to thank the people on this forum. Without all the wisdom that has been shared with me, the emotional support and bonding over so many similar stories I would NOT have been able to have the conversation I had with my mom yesterday.

I'm not going anywhere because this journey is far from over but I want you all to know I will FOREVER be grateful for what you all have given me. I hope as time goes on I can do the same in return as new people come in from the trenches ready to lose their freaking minds.

Thank you.
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Ladies, thank you all for the support. I want to give you a shocking update.

First I didn't have the talk on Saturday. I didn't feel prepared enough, so I didn't call or text and my mom didn't either. I texted her Sunday morning and said I wasn't "mad" at her but I did want to talk to her about how I have been feeling, and was 11:30 okay, she said that it was.

I actually took a propranolol so my heart wouldn't beat through my chest. Didn't want a xanax because I wanted a completely clear head. Keep in mind having a conversation with this woman about anything she doesn't want to discuss is like trying to ride a wild bull.

I actually wish I could have recorded the conversation. It went shockingly well! I'm STILL in shock. I was there for over three hours. I kept control of the reins the entire time which is a miracle in and of itself. I think what made this different than any other conversation we've had in decades (at least) is that the first thing I did was go into great detail explaining my crippling depression to her. I gave some back story about how I've struggled with managing depression all of my adult life and reminded her that I've had a psychiatrist for over 20 years. I told her I learned ways to manage things and managed to live pretty happily. Then I told her how all that changed two years ago when she moved here. I told her about trying different meds and enduring terrible side effects, my lack of self care and how some days I could not even get out of bed. I told her ALL last summer I was in therapy. I laid it all out.

A few times she tried to interrupt but after I acknowledged what she said I kept the reins and kept going. I said I felt she didn't like it here, and that I regretted buying the condo, and that we could sell it. I said I would have done things differently.

Then I told her the worst part was that I couldn't talk to her about any of this. I don't know if some kind of mother instinct kicked in for once in her life or she was just glad I came down talking about what I mess I am, but she listened with concern.

That's when I told her being unable to talk about her diagnosis was extremely hard on me. This part got a little touchy at times because she did have some push back, but I chose my words carefully and respectfully so she would understand I wanted to be an advocate. I asked what she expected of me in terms of care and she said she did not want any of her kids taking care of her if she got bad. I WAS SHOCKED. Right then I met her half way by telling her I've done a lot of research and that there would be many things to try before she would need professional care. I said the biggest thing would be safety, like wondering out in the middle of the night. I assured her she is not even close to that yet (she isn't) and that there were many things that could be done to help the situation.

I then moved to the lack of socialization, and how being with peers and keeping her mind stimulated is something she needs. She agreed and we talked about some of her concerns in this area, but I maintained it needed to be done because isolating in her condo was the worst thing she could do. Somewhere in all of the socialization talk I got it out that I could not fill those social voids and that I needed my own life too with my husband. Again she shockingly agreed.

She told me she didn't want to go to the senior center and said something about not liking the building. Then I remembered it is in a big county building with lots of other stuff so she probably didn't feel like she could navigate it, and she also said she didn't like big groups (I already knew this). So I mentioned the senior day care- not using those words (they call it something else) and she agreed to try it!! I was again shocked!

We agreed to try & communicate better & to plan our get togethers (unless emergency) and she was fine with all of it.

I'm still in shock. No joke. Was this really my mother?

Now, the test will be the follow through.
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