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Thanks for the responses - it's so good knowing others are going through the same - if you understand what I mean! It's not really good but it's helpful LOL. So you asked if my Mum was always like this. Well, she has certainly always needed a lot of attention and was always a bit envious of others which is thankfully not a trait I carry! Her Alz has definitely brought out all the worst elements of her personality and make them 100% more noticeable. My sister and I are taking her for a full appraisal by a different neuro psychologist and making a report on her Alz for us so we can make some informed decisions on wether we should or should not move her. At a cost of $1200 Aus dollars I'm hoping it will give us some answers. We do often ask 'is it her Alz or is it just her'. I believe she will just pack up her misery and take it elsewhere if she moves but my sister is adamant that being in aged care is making her worse as she is surrounded by Alz residents far worse than her which is scary and heartbreaking. It's a no win situation really. My sister and I can't take her on full time. We have our own issues, businesses, families etc. I have a transgender child as well so my plate is pretty dam full!
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Summed up perfectly. At least, above all else, you did not inherit her "grim view of life." In the sometimes hell that caregiving can be, my gratitude list starts with that. Hopefully, in the future, people will never avoid me, knowing ugly words are not coming. Something to hang onto☺
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Jalpert you certainly have come to the right place in terms of people's understanding what you're going through, and its being a safe place to vent. Go right ahead!

Only. Was your mother always, including long before her diagnosis, a bit of a handful - if I can put it like that?
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Reading this feedback has made me feel so much better. It makes me realize that my sister and I are not alone. My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers in late 2015. Our dad was her carer until he got sick in May 2017. He got cancer (I'm sure because my Mum caused him so much stress) and in August last year he and mum moved into a great aged care facility. This was Dad's dying wish to get Mum into care. Dad passed away 4 weeks later in Sep 2017. Since then, Mum has been bitter, angry, beyond depressed and blaming everything on my sister and I. No matter what we say or do she cannot settle where she is living and does not accept she can't live on her own. She rings me everyday in the morning and cries and complains about everything to do with where she is living; she bad mouths my sister to me and vice versa to my sister. She is creating a triangle that has become intolerable. My sister and I are not coping with Mum at all and every day we play the same broken record conversation between us about what we can do. I am beginning to feel like a battered adult/child as the emotional abuse is unrelenting; Mum thinks that we should not go on holidays; that she should live with me; that it's our fault she is no longer driving; she tells us every day "YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF HERE". She is rude to our husband and about our husbands; she thinks we should be taking her out on Saturday nights; My sister's best friend of 37 years died suddenly and my Mum's says my sister is selfish because she is mourning this loss; She thinks we are stealing her money and doing nothing to help her. We have tried to be patient but we are not willing to take this unrelenting abuse anymore. We feel like we want to cut her off but we know we are all she has and we can't do that - hey, I can't even NOT pick up the phone to her. Go figure. Anyway, not really looking for answers or sympathy but jeez that felt good to get it off my chest!
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l feel for you. I would say if you really feel this way and she doesnt get anything positive from your efforts you are wasting your time. You know she is safe and cared for. Continue to make sure her needs are met but stop putting yourself through the ordeal of having her stay. No one would expect you to put up with an unpleasant partner so to me there is no difference.
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Let me tell you about our mother. Since we were kids she's been putting us down. A new school year meant the nightmare of clothes-shopping, when she'd yell at me for being "so fat nothing ever fits". In the dressing room, in public. Once my sister was awarded a student of the year certificate. Mommy dearest said it must have been a mistake. Our whole lives she treated our father horribly, criticizing his every move, belittling (& keeping him from) his entire family, berating him for talking about his job. If he was upstairs she'd complain, if he was in his basement workshop, she'd complain. She hated living next door to his parents, hated them, hated their heritage & taught her daughters to not take pride in it. I loved my grandmother & she, to this day, resents that close relationship I had with her. She thought she was so much better than everybody--so much more sophisticated, worldly, "classy", better-dressed, with better taste, smarter, better EVERYTHING that it left her with few friends. Those who stuck around she talked incessantly about behind their backs (she still does, about the two or three who are still alive). She would often comment on other people's children who were so successful, so pretty, so rich, so this, so that--yet not acknowledge any success we might have. She still does that. She puts on this "nice" act for everybody, so we don't have anybody who'll take us seriously if we try telling them about the real HER. She's often related one of her favorite stories about the time she had a cashier at a store in tears because she was so mean to her. After our grandparents died, our parents kept their house & rented it out to several tenants over the years. She had problems with ALL of them, a few she even had screaming matches with, resulting in the police being called one time. Classy, yes? The people in the house next door to my grandparents' house were years-long targets of her hate (until they sold the house & moved away). She seemed to revel in the turmoil & used every excuse to keep it going & ramp up the hostility & animosity. My father could do nothing. He had long ago given up (obviously) on ever reasoning with her. Nobody ever could. She's always right, no matter what. When my sister got divorced she never missed a chance to bad-mouth her ex-husband to my two nieces, who were teenagers. That was at least 15 years ago, my sister's quite happy, yet mother dear still calls him "that piece of crap" if he's ever mentioned or if he happens to pop into her head. Her latest antics involve full-blown temper tantrums: in doctors offices, at CarMax (where she pounded on the counter & swore at the clerk, prompting a security guard to come & say if she didn't calm down the transaction would be cancelled), restaurants--always because she perceives that she's not getting her way. Several years ago we were out at a restaurant for a holiday. There were my sister & I, my husband, & our parents. They inadvertently gave the table our mother requested to another party. She had a complete fit, swearing & berating the host, acting completely insane. Did we leave? No. She's got everyone in her unfortunate circle so trained that our better judgement is ignored so as not to cause her to become further agitated, resulting in even more of a scene being created. Yes, she's a delight. I feel so bad that so many of us have this horror in our lives, especially at this stage of the game.
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Notagain, the idea that my post helped someone means a lot--thank you for saying so. My sister has been my therapist & link to sanity since this horror began a year & a half ago. I honestly don't know where I'd be without her. I hope she feels even remotely the same about me being there for her. It's a terrible thing to know that your mother needs you but dislikes you so much she chooses to try managing on her own. We don't want to be around her, but as I said--we want to help. Her constant, unrelenting negativity is like being pelted with rocks, though, so maybe she's done us a favor by giving us the "out" we didn't have the guts to take before this. She's so textbook-narcissist it's scary. We'll all get through it somehow. I know that, because I know we're all very strong, having dealt with the knowledge that our mothers aren't loving our entire lives. This thread is always here for us to help us know we're not alone. Thanks again, and stay strong.
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Soo Doo, reading your story helps me a lot. I kinda envy the fact that you have a sister to add verification to what you are saying. I have a mother who is nice to everyone else and horrid to me but then tells stories that turn her meanness into my actions and I have no one to back up what I am saying. Your sister, at least, gives your version of what is happening validity- should you need to defend yourself. Hang in there!!!
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I don't have the energy to go into detail about what brought my sister & I to the latest chapter in the ongoing saga our mother has created. The big problem now, that's eating us alive, is that she's decided she doesn't want to see either of us again. She said this twice to my husband after he had brought her to sell her car. She told him we're mad at her because she called us "pieces of sh*t". Well, no, because she didn't. I guess she meant to, but she never got around to it. She's not too bad off, physically, but she needs help with stuff--food, rides, etc., and has nobody in her life besides us. As much of a nightmare as she is, we want to help her & aren't monsters that can simply walk away. Anyway, she also said we're mad because she didn't give us any money from the sale of the car. We've never asked her for anything; why would we expect any money for something we didn't sell? For some reason that neither my sister nor I can understand she's decided I'm the main villain. She told my husband I'm weird because I grocery shop the same day every week. She said I've "always been a weird person." Mind you, she's telling MY HUSBAND these things. She drags up things that happened when I was in high school to reinforce what a horrid human being I am (I'm 59 years old). He was there over the weekend to find out if she needed anything at the store and if she had laundry that needed doing. She told him she doesn't want me buying her anything & that I should "go to hell". She said she hasn't done anything (HA!) & why are we "punishing her", yet we should run to her after she makes it clear how she really feels? My sister & I want to be sure she has what she needs, but we don't want the abuse any longer & don't want to be in the company of such a hateful, mean, negative person. This is not the first time we've stayed away, but it feels like it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Knowing exactly what she thinks of me, how can I just shrug my shoulders & say "oh well, she's old" & go back for more? I'm not looking for answers; there aren't any. She won't take depression or anxiety medication, she won't go for any sort of counseling, which her doctor has recommended. Our father died in January & her narcissism has really bloomed without him there to temper it. She just sold our grandparents' house & gleefully told my husband how much richer she'll be & that she's got a really good lawyer to make sure sis & I don't get a dime. Fine. We don't want anything, never gave any indication that we did. Last year, when she & my father had live-in care (which was a total & complete nightmare, the offensively abusive way she treated the aides), she kept saying how the cost was taking up our "inheritance" & weren't we concerned about that? We told her no, that it was more important for them to be safe & cared for. Bottom line: she's 100% impossible & it's tragic that so many of us are dealing with such a disgusting situation. Good luck to all of us, and thanks for letting me vent.
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Oh my gosh, that could have been written by my sister, word for word! Except that she no longer lives close to my Mom, and probably thankfully so.
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Karenina - Hi Mother was first diagnosed when she was 96 and in hospital for a short visit, Her 24/7 senior nanny had had it and had a meltdown in front of the hospital staff. They called in a psych and she was diagnosed, but, of course still competent, Then mother decided to move to an ALF, lasted 6 months there and then moved to another ALF. There she developed vasc dementia and things got steadily worse. There was an episode which put her in hospital again and they diagnosed the BPD there again. She was given meds but refused to take them. Her behaviour worsened steadily -paranoia, and some difficulty with finances ete. The last hospital visit had resulted in her having visits by a psych nurse -community type care. Mother totally snowed the first nurse, but her case worker who had had known her longer saw the realities. I kept in touch with her and the community psychiatrist and once mother threatened suicide again they acted and took her to a geri psych hospital -would have done it forcibly if necessary but she went voluntarily. There she was thoroughly tested and they confirmed the BPD and VaD and recommended meds. She was not compliant so stayed there the better part of a year until the paranoia and delusions became bad enough that she agreed to the meds, It was a long and difficult journey.
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Karenina,
Doesn't it feel good to let it all out to a non-judgmental group? That's us.
My mom (narcissist and hypochondriac) put me through 3 months of h*ll one summer, as she was sure she was dying from some pain that started between her legs and slowly (over 3 months) moved from her lower abdomen into her upper chest. Of course she got ALL the tests Kaiser had. She wound up with not a thing wrong! I called her on it and said that she's fine and I will no longer listen to physical complaints. So, I hear ya'!

Struggling1,
How awesome! You have figured out how to beat her at her own game! YOU are in control of you and your response to her. Takes others a lifetime to figure that out.
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Im in this with you all....and until i found help on this site, I was soooo out of my league. Im 60- only child ( a/k/a the reason her life sucked.)
it goes back as far as i can remember and now, she is 91 in December. Yup, went thru the " its me's"- as a kid and now Im at the point where I have learned to do the right thing and walk away. When she starts one of her routines- Baby voice/ sick ole lady- I leave. Dying immediately, I leave- venom spewing, I leave. Whether its the room or her place- LEAVE.
To be honest there is some sort of good feeling now that I can do right by her care, but I have the power to end it IMMEDIATELY. Only took me 60 years. I pay her bills, handle her meds, and see there is grocery's, laundry, etc. and thats it. I figured out I dont have to love or like her, but I have to maintain what I KNOW is right from wrong.
It doesnt matter what diagnosis she has or doesnt have. Selfish, self centered, condescending, extremely jealous, vindictive, fowls mouth son of a b*tch does have to have a diagnosis when she has been this person her entire life. I dont care if she is 90, this is who she was when I was born and over the years have honed her craft.

Now kids, its about us. We, the damaged children of the miserable are torn between the life we grew up with and the lives we managed to achieve of our own, despite what we were programmed to accept. Ya, I said accept- because here we are today- struggling with the same thing all over again as we did with childhood. AND WHY, because they are aged?

So lets get it out there- if you can walk away, do it. The longer you stand there the more it gets into your brain and there we are being reprogrammed back to the good ole days. I see her 3 times a week. I limit the visit to her mouth. She is decent, I stay longer. Once it starts, Im out the door. All calls goes to VM- I play it, if its nasty, I do not respond, pleasant I call her back. I have hired help, she fired them. Now my attitude is different.

She is nocturnal and will get bored during the night- no longer my problem. When I go to her place and she wants to sleep or fake dying...I leave. Minutes later, my phone will ring and she will have some excuse and want to know if Im coming back. I dont. So she has pretty much stopped that one.

I have learned we can have some sort of control and its not over them, its over us. Do the things we need to do for an aging parent, yet its ok not to love or like them.

Somewhere in my head I pictured me- standing there- with a box, full of rocks, dirt and ugly stuff. It stunk to high heaven and I could barely hold it up anymore. Then I handed it back to her and thought- here, this is yours, not mine......and boom, honest to God, I changed, right then and there. I have no explanation for this, it just happened and I am grateful. How my mind wandered to that senerio- no clue.... Im throwing this out there and if it helps great. This thread was a God send for me to find and probably where something clicked in me. I got advice and didnt even realize it was clicking.
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Golden23, how did you get a diagnosis? My brother seems to agree with me that 'mother' should go to geriatric psychiatrist. But then won't follow through. I am the culprit who got her license taken away. Anyway, I know she won't be honest with a psych. How can they diagnose without interviewing family? Just curious. I doubt there is any hope of improving my situation. I follow this thread and the one about narcissist mothers. So good that others are in same boat. Wishing I could set her adrift. She likes to take or move our stuff (also hers) and claims she isn't aware she is touching other people's things. Clearly everything belongs to her. We have to keep our rooms locked and basically everything in our (mine and daughter's) rooms. I refuse to look for her lost items since she accuses me of stealing. Zero boundaries. It is not possible for her to tell the truth as her memories are immediately altered to fit her ego centric narrative. My brother and I do not trust ANYONE because of her craziness and lies. She has no idea why my dad left her. She claimed a terminal illness for a full 17 years, refusing medical tests. Saying they know it will kill her while Dad shook his head, no. They told her to go to a psych. Finally got tests and voila, no symptoms, no recollection of said illness ever again. I could write a book. Everyone outside of immediate family believes her (at least we assume so) as she constantly told lies about us making herself to be a victim. I wish this could just end. I spent most of my life 2000 miles away. But I have chronic fatigue syndrome and own a house locally as I couldn't sell and lose my equity in fallen market. I hate what kind of teen years my daughter is having. Every single day is crazy. She held up her size 10 diaper pants and asked if I could squeeze into them, claiming she feels sorry for me due to my protruding stomach. People, I wear a size 4. I have minimal stomach for a 58 yo. Yet she can look at me and think I am bigger than her. Ahhhhh that rant felt good.
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lizzie7. Sorry to repeat myself but what is said on this thread I wish I had read years ago. Life is not a given. If someone is cruel, and it's obvious they do not change with kindness, it takes so much strength, but you must,must claim your time. You said it beautifully🐶
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My mother has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder accompanied by narcissism. It was a 5 ring circus when she got dementia, But it has been pretty bad all along. She still has the traits of BPD and now has dementia added in. She is in final stage vascular dementia so she can't say much which is a blessing. It is very hard on the offspring and especially those who are caregivers,
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To everyone who has commented below, do you believe the mothers we speak of are suffering with some sort of dementia or is it more of a psychological issue? Has anyone's mother received a diagnosis for the terrible behavior? My mom has not. I believe she has some dementia, but it's almost as if it has just escalated her true personality.
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Hi, you are not alone, I am experiencing the same thing, I am the youngest and only child speaking to my mother, I am now stuck with her! I think she might be getting some kind of dementia or something but she won't go to the doctor, in case anyone might see she is not perfect!!! I feel your pain, try to stay positive and strong, you are NOT wrong to feel bad, SHE is the manipulator who ruined your life, like my mother she does not deserve your love. Be strong!
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I’ve read a book called “Boundaries in Marriage” and it saved my sanity. I’m thinking we can apply the same principles in our relationship with our mothers.
We aren’t robots! We are human beings that can decide whether to tolerate mistreatment from other’s or not. We are now old enough to know better and are no longer that helpless child who had no power over those hurtful situations that occurred throughout our childhood! Set healthy boundaries and you will also have sanity in your life!
God Bless
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I am in the same boat as you only worse. I take care of my mom in her home full time. With the same history and feelings as you. At night my mind rittles me with guilt for not touching her unless it's off a curb or getting upset for peeing all over because she refused to wear a depends. I have no advice for you. I'm sorry. But if you know how or what I can do to get her into a home or me out of here please tell me. Her medications, insulins and depends with rent takes all of her ssi. She needs more care than I can give her. I think you should have your Xmas on a day before or after Xmas with your mom, so you can enjoy Xmas without guilt. Good luck. It sucks that we grew up with nasty mothers.
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SusanLynn1963j I printed in large purple font the last 2 sentences of your post and framed it. Thank you for reminding me (us) that we are human.
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I feel so badly for all of you -- I thought that I suffered from a mother who didn't really care for daughters but only for the one beloved son, who died of cancer at the age of 22. But though she was much too negative and critical, I think I was lucky compared with most of you.

My best therapy has been to love my children, to try to do the opposite from what my mother did to me. And of course I made other mistakes, and my daughter and I went through rocky times. But now she too is a mother, and we find much in common and I can finally convince her how much I love and care for her and admire her too. I do hope and pray that some of you can find the same solace, and turn sad pasts into happy presents, even if they are only fleeting moments. Cherish them.
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Until this website O thought I was the only woman in earth who dared to say her mother was vicious and cruel. She always told me I was the ugliest daughter. Now I am her primary caregiver, manage to stay civil. I have multiple sclerosis which she claims is made up, am just lazy even with my neurologist telling her. So so tired of this. I am so grateful to all of you on this thread for allowing honesty. Not every mother was meant to be one.
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Thank you for the affirmation Sue. I'm still really hurt from the last round of word cursing. No matter if the sea hag isn't someone whose words are important in the world, she is my mother and the word curses carry a lot of weight in my mind. It takes me a while to get over the hurt of fresh new horrors.
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No, Notagain, it's not wrong to avoid her.
What an awful bunch of things to say to a child! She should have had her tongue cut out for being so mean and possibly ruining your self esteem for life.

You have done everything you can do and, in my book, have no responsibility to her. If you have a strong negative emotion against her, it's better that you don't see her. A visit wouldn't benefit either one of you. If hubby is willing to interact with her, great. Thank him for relieving you of a mentally and emotionally dibilitating experience for having to interact with her.

There is no law saying you have to love and care for your mother (let alone someone who treated you like trash).

Try to enjoy as much of life as you can and leave her out of the picture. She was your egg donor, nothing more. A real Mom would never have said those things.
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Thank you for posting this. I have been so alone in being treated terribly by my 80 year old mother.

My mother has reverted back to the child-abusing monster she was when I was growing up. She started telling me things she used to tell me growing up, like: "I never wanted you, you ruined my marriage, you ruined my life, you are a terrible person, you don't deserve to live on this earth, you were born bad, you are bad, etc...." When she started telling me these things as an adult, I stood up to her and tried to explain she is responsible for her own marriage and childhood behaviors, for small children, are beyond the control of the child. She insists that I am different and I was born bad and ruined her life.

My husband seems to think I shouldn't take her seriously and doesn't see her words as all that serious. I send my husband to deal with her because I don't want to see her. My husband makes me feel guilty for not trying to work it out with her.

She is nice to others but not me. She singles me out for bad treatment and tells my daughter and husband that they are okay. She calls other family members and complains about me. I don't know how to work it out because she is mad at me for being a bad kid. I've apologized and continue to apologize for being a bad kid. I gave up trying to help her realize her role in her own life. Now, I just don't want to see her.

Is it wrong to just avoid the old mean person, as long as someone else (like my husband) attends to her needs?
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You are not alone. I have been my mothers only care giver for almost 2 years. She doesn’t like to get a bath so that is not pleasant. She had a dr appointment last week and she didn’t want a bath and said she wasn’t going and if I tried to make her get a bath and go she would call police to me. I would like to drive off and leave her here.
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I guess I should consider myself lucky. Ndad is rarely overtly nasty, but complains constantly about me and has a penchant for attracting grifters
and exploitative people. Guess who gets to step in a rescue him? Yep.

He's paranoid in the extreme, thinks others are out to use him or exploit him
or steal from him.. I'm thinking it's textbook projection.

He has been a black hole of need, which I've graciously tried to help as he has
serious health concerns, some quite scary. But each and every time he is
better it's a new drama, new gossip, new chaos. So even though it's not
fighting, I do think the drama and playing victim and all the gossip is enjoyable
to him, regardless of the stress and drainage of funds it causes.

Not liking this type of thing and this personality pattern seems like a very healthy thing. It has destroyed my trust in my Ndad and any sense of attachment. All that is left is dreary duty. I'm trying to put up as many boundaries as possible and learn to develop a thick skin and sense of humor.
Quit hoping for change and find a way to deal with the reality as it is, instead of
how I wish it to be.

Hugs and best wishes to all who experience this type of parent. Take time off
whenever you can. Dont' leave it until it's too late and all your time off is spent
in a doctor's office!
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I could have wrote this. I have always said that my mother's bad behavior will not dictate my behavior. I've treated her the way I would want to be treated, but I am to the point I cannot stand her. She makes me miserable. She is 79 years old and loves drama, has no filter, will not stop and think before she speaks. Is completely inappropriate in many ways I will not go into, but it is embarrassing. It would be different if she had a condition that explained her behavior, but she has been like this for many years! She loves conflict and isn't happy unless she's causing everyone else to be mad and edgy. She's her own doctor, doesn't listen to advise given and always knows more than everyone else. She is a miserable individual, but why I have no clue. She has told me many times she loves being angry and fighting, it makes her feel alive. Whatever that means. She makes up stories about people and says things we all know are not true. She is definitely a negative person who literally has nothing good to say about anything. She too has alienated all her friends and most of her family. No one is breaking down doors to visit her and she has the nerve to say "I don't understand why no one wants to visit me". I'm at wits end and I have made the decision to give her more alone time to save my sanity.
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You're not alone. My mother is the same. Nothing nice to say about anyone.
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