My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Wow the headline for this thread really got me. I gave up my career and moved to the very small town my children and their families live in to be closer to them and enjoy my grandchildren. One month later my mother comes to visit. What I didn't know was that after 60 years my father had had enough so she is here to stay. She has dehydrated, in the hospial for a month, fallen several times, had pneumonia now I'm on pins and needles because her hip implant is loose and dr saying it will eventually come completely out. My mother is very passive agressive and an emotional blackmailer. It's not just me. I'm the only one out of four children that even speaks to her. One of my grandsons that's only seven told me she didn't like him. But he said that's ok I don't like her either. Good for him! I don't even have the grandchildren over because she plays favorites and makes it very clear who is not on her list. I love my mom but I do not like her. That's really hard when she lives with me and I have to take care of her. I am not getting to see my babies or do all the things I moved up here to do. I resent her because I know she only came up here to run away and now I am totally stuck. I was so glad to find this forum and know that I'm not losing my mind as I'm not the only one. Thanks guys

Great elmo!!! You have set a boundary. That is so necessary with people like your mum. If she had dementia I think she would not remember to ask if she had told you something. She would have forgotten totally that she had. Hope you have a great Christmas.

I will keep an eye on this and see what happens. But I will not let her suck me back in. As long as she can talk to me about stuff other then money and such I will talk to her. But the minute she goes back to that I will cut her off.

Mother repeated herself a lot all her life. Dementia is not causing the other behaviours you describe which are toxic. She may be developing dementia but from what I have read and I have followed your thread and the other one, her main problem sounds like a personality disorder/narcissism. She has very poor boundaries and is highly manipulative. What difference would it make to you if she is developing dementia?

It is how she operates and it is not normal. Loo has it right. My mother has done this all her life. You don't get it because you are normal and normal people don't do that. Once she thinks she "has you" again she will go back to her old ways. It is up to you to decide how much of this, if any, you want to put up with. Eventually I told my mother that I would decrease contact if she kept up that sort of thing and other toxic behaviours. The result - I have decreased contact. It is very stressful and crazy making. She will always blame you for any problems. ((((hugs))) I know it is hard - but do what is good for you

I wonder if she has Dementia. Because there are times where she will tell me something and then the next time I talk to her she will say "Did I tell you this" and I wil say yes and then she will tell me anyways.

Okay I don't know where my other post went. But my mom calls me today and acts like nothing ever happened! We talked about normal stuff. She never once asked me about my money and she also never apologized for the things she said to me either. So I don't know if she truly does not remember saying them to me or if she just doesn't care and think it doesn't matter.

I've learned the term on other sites -- it's referred to as "hoovering" (like the vacuum cleaner), because she's sucking you back in. It's one of the main things in toxic relationships - the pushing away/pulling back in. She's dominant, so she's the one doing the pushing and pulling. If she has dementia, maybe she truly doesn't remember. But it doesn't sound out of character for her to manipulate in whatever way serves her purpose.

She never apologized for calling me mentally disabled or anything either. It was like she either does not remember it or something.

Okay now i am convinced my mother either has something wrong with her or she is just crazy. She calls me this morning. And we had a pleasant conversation. Days after calling me mentally handicapped she calls and we talk about Christmas and other things not related to my money. I don't get her.

Detach from mom, but also treat yourself like a good, loving mother would treat you and would want for you.

jewel, cmag has wisdom and experience in this area. Your mother is not going to change. When I read your dialogue with her it impresses me that you are still trying to please her, to get that approval that we all need but will never get from a narcissistic parent. Who pays for that? You do - big time, but your husband and kids do too. You have written on your thread that you do this for Jesus. Respectfully, dear soul, I say no to that. I struggled with that for a long time, but finally realised it was not working the way it should. The bible says to leave and cleave which is to leave your parents and cleave to your spouse and put them first. That should be direction enough to stop you wondering what to do. You are obsessing on your mother and fantasizing that she will change to become the mother you need. Again, I say no. You are the one who has to change. I hope it doesn't take a breakdown in your health to convince you of that. I agree with cmag. You need to detach.

Well, I guess you could look at things from the perspective of time as a whole and your investment of your time. I would listen to your husband and detach not only for your children and husband but also for yourself.

cmagnum: My kids and my husband are doing fine. They just go along with what I tell them because they don't want to upset her anymore than I do. they are very supportive for me. They know how I dread going and doing for her. Actually, they tell me I am choosing to do it and have begged me to stop for my own health sake. My husband told me a couple months ago that he is worried I am going to get sick, then my kids will be without their mother. It really isn't worth the fight with her. I struggle everyday wondering what to do.

Absolutely. Alchie mom can be found guilty of elder abuse for not feeding her husband if she is his primary caretaker and she is neglecting him. Adult protective services can lay down the law and be the bad guy here. They helped me "make a plan" for mthr which sounds formal, but meant that we made the decision to move her to a facility and we had figured out how to pay for it.

You are not the one responsible here - don't put your life on hold. It sounds like it's time for a facility for them since neither is responsible. I'm not even talking responsible as in not senile, but your father chose to stay married to an alcoholic and enabled her. That was not your choice, so he has to live with the consequences of that decision. That means he can't live with her and he can't live alone. And he will not live with you - as an enabler, he has some very obnoxious personality traits. Been there, done that!

Do you have durable and medical POA for both of your parents? If she is back to drinking and not eating now along with your dad not getting any food, then now is a good time to call adult services and have a social worker come over and evaluate their situation. Somehow, I think some outside intervention need to be brought in.

My Mother is a 79 yr old alcoholic who "Takes care of" my Father. Every Holiday for a few years now, she starts drinking and stops eating. She complains about pain in her back and legs and sounds like she's dying. When I find the booze bottles she denies any knowledge about them but I'll find her mumbling and staggering around the house. Unfortunately My Dad relies on her for food etc. but if she's feeling sick, there will be no food. The smell makes her sick. Both my parents were in the hospital at the same time last T-day til Christmas from the "it makes me sick" hunger strike. I feel trapped. I've put my life on hold. My only friends are the people I work with and I live alone. I do have a cat. He's nice.
I always thought I had a normal family but boy was I wrong. If I don't snap to attention for my Mother, My Dad suffers the consequences and I feel terrible about it. I get dealt the guilt card on a regular basis. I don't make enough money to fix this.

That's just it - you can't fix her. You have realized the most important part of all of this!! We have to let our parents be the individuals they are, not the fantasy loving parents we want them to be. It's so hard.

My mthr chose her way over seeing me and my kids for 8 years. Then APS called because she was wandering, but they still gave me the option of allowing the state to step in and take over once they knew the situation. They even told me they suspected that we were estranged because she was so mean.

I don't regret one moment my children were not exposed to her! My girls, 11 and 13, refer to her as the Wicked Witch (just like another poster) entirely based on the behavior she has shown them in the last 2 years. Out of the mouths of babes!

Hang in there, stay strong, and allow your mthr to be the raging obnoxious adult that has to accept the consequences of her behavior like all the rest of us humans. Good job!

Funny how she thinks I am the "mentally handicapped one"yet I have lived on my own for 13 years, pay my bills on time, hold down a volunteer job and more. And I am competent to to do things that she wants.And the sad thing is that she has convinced her sister that I and my siblings are the horrible ones who won't help her. I love my mom but I don't know what to do for her.

Oh Elmo, that is SO a mentally ill person you're talking to. It's very hard to accept these things ( I think we all grow up thinking that our parents are the definition of normal until we get out in the world). Please take care of yourself. No more paying mom's bills!

Thanks.

I am sorry to hear that things did not go well tonight. She's the one who is mentally handicapped and I am thinking now that she has some sort of serious mental problem(s). You did not make her the way she is. You can't fix her and you can't change her. All you can really do is to live on a healthy path for yourself. If at some point she chooses a healthier path, then fine. However, if she does not, then that is fine also. Hugs, love and prayers.

Well I TRIED talking to her tonight. Didn't go well at all. She called me "mentally handicapped"and tried to guilt me by saying "If you are doing so well then why won't you tell me how much is on your credit card"etc. I finally hung up on her. My friends jaw was on the floor. She could not believe the things my mom said to me. Then after I hung up she sent me a nasty email telling me "If you fall on your a** I won't be there to help you" and on and on. I told her I am sorry you feel that way and when you are ready to see me as a competent adult then we can talk. I'm done with being treated this way.

My sisters kids don't even like being around her. Last year when my niece who was 6 at the time asked her mother if grandma was coming to visit?My sister told her no that Grandma has to work and my niece's response? "Good!" That is coming from a 6 year old!

Sounds like my mother to a tee! My mother is quite capable of taking care of herself. She lives on her own, has a job,even has a boyfriend and her sister nearby. But she has guilted me into helping her for years to pay her bills and such. I have reached the boiling point and am telling her tonight that enough is enough. She already is pissed at my siblings who mind you are grown and have kids of their own.

Just go to her on Christmas or what ever--stay for an hour then leave--you have people in your life because you enjoy them and or they are a part of your family---being a slave either physically or emotionally is not a must for you to tolerate....Bring her a plant and a box of what ever to eat--put up with her for one hour then ---go and enjoy the family. You are obliged to honor your Mother and you've done more of that then she deserves,.--believe me I know how you feel. I have my own issue. Mine isn't like yours in public but at her assisted living ----grrrrr. An hour is more then she deserves--I'm thinking about your feelings not hers. You've done your duty for the day ---"making her happy" with your visit---then run the h*ll out of there and enjoy the rest of your Christmas with your "real" family. Don't look back--just keep on running......you keep thinking something magic is going to happen to make her "happy" and content somehow --thinking you're failing in doing that for her--there must be something wrong with YOU---Wrong----it's her---now go get the plant and the box of candy----if she starts giving you S--- grab your coat wish the wicked witch of the whatever a good day----and leave!

stop Volunteering to be their victim is right on. One way we do that and particularly with narcissistic parents is functioning emotionally on the level of a child who is still trying to please mom or dad in order for them to give them the love we never got and never will get. Take care of yourself!

As LadeeM said, we have to stop "volunteering to be their victim." That will stick with me! My mom went straight into assisted living memory care after a steep increase in dementia following a heart attack. She too, chose to be angry and miserable her entire adult life, after losing her mother when she was 11. See the responses to the post about how to stop letting your mother push your buttons. That is exactly what she's doing with her nasty streaks.When I see one coming on, I leave. She even told me not to call her mom today, after she got mad at the world. For my own sanity, I use a sense of humor. So when my mom says not to call her mom, I said, "Ok, goodbye crabby lady." When my dog and I were leaving and several people were hugging and petting the dog, my mom walks by and angrily exlclaims, "Fine! Parade your dog around to everybody else but don't come by me!" This was after we'd been there 2 hours with her, after she disowned me and ignored my poor sensitive pooch who jumped up on the bed with her, just wanting love. Such childish behavior is not new - I think her mental capacity froze at age 11 when she lost her mother. However, with dementia, her attacks are much more frequent and vicious. Since my mother's behavior was so well established, I think it is like "muscle memory" to her now. No surprise that she acts out, when dementia retains only long-term memory at first. Its so much harder for family and friends when a formerly nice person disappears behind dementia's curtain of anger. My mom knows that I care and always try to help others - so she preys on me by saying "You were the last person I expected this from". The translation for that is "You've turned your back on me like everyone else and won't do what I want or tell me what I want to hear." So be it. Being truthful with her when she asks questions sets me free, even if it enrages her. Decide what you need to do to feel you've met your obligations to her. Then move on. Think of it as a different person inside her, her "alter ego" and you will be able to remove yourself from being a player in her drama. When her evil twin comes out, pretend you are not in the room, but looking down on two people in this interaction. Do you like what you see? You're the only one who has to live with looking in the mirror. You can walk away from the conversation in a matter-of-fact, emotionally neutral way. You'll respect that person far more when you look at them.

Motherhell, your next "outing" with mom should be a stop at the local geriatric psychiatrist. See if some meds will help.

I have a mthr with undiagnosed personality disorder. When we rescued her 2 years ago when she was near death with cancer, she was nasty enough to cuss me out and slap me in the hospital waiting room. After her surgery, doc gave her an anti depressant and in a month she was nicer. Now that she has advanced dementia and was hallucinating, she is on a anti schizophrenia drug, and she is a completely new person!! I can't help but think that if she had this when my children were little, we might have allowed her to see them. She chose to live 8 years without contact because she could not be decent to us when she visited.

Boundaries. No one abuses me or my kiddos.