My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

I feel your pain! God Bless You!

Thanks country mouse I hope so

Try not to let her get to you, Libby. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to think of yourself growing flaps over your ears so that you can just hear blah blah blah when she starts up. Go and see her as often as suits you: with that kind of care package, I doubt you'd be intruding. I expect you really need the break, so take it and enjoy :) - but there are likely to be teething troubles as she settles into the home - genuine, little things that you can nip in the bud - so don't let her put you off visiting when you want to. She'll do better if you're on board with the staff to give them hints and tips. They'll probably tell you what a sweetie she is! - but don't worry, they will also laugh when you roll your eyes. They'll have seen it all before.

Country mouse she has grown fiat with lounge, bedroom, kitchen and wet room, carers there 24 hours a day 7 days a week, also restaurant so she can have a hot meal at lunch times, but still feeling guilty. When she speaks to me she is spiteful and does not have a nice word to say about the place, speaks to others saying how wonderful it is. My daughter us going to take over for two weeks to give me a break.

Have you ever watched "Everybody Loves Raymond? Marie portrays the same personality as your mother. It was hillarious in the episode where they got kicked out of the senior home. One of the workers said, "She seems to be giving you a compliment when she is really insulting you.

You are like the embattled Debra who just puts up with it.
Just stop now and stop forcing your family to deal with her. You by your misplaced loyalty are ruining for everyone you love what should be a happy occasion. Without your mother it will be one.

What kind of set-up is it, Libby? Are you happy with the facility?

Have just put my Mum into assisted living here in the UK but she is being really nasty to me. I am the main carer my brothers live quite a long way away, but manage to see her once a month, the rest is just me. I had to move her from her flat as she was not coping (she is 97) . Do I just walk away for a couple of weeks to let her settle. Feeling very guilty, but my hubby has cancer and needs care, I could not do it all.

Elmo, you should reply "I couldn't have put it better myself."

Since your mother insists on seeing it her way round, though, you might as well go with her view. Okay, so you are Dr Evil in this scenario, but so what? The important thing for her to focus on is making some kind of practical plan for her future, near, middle and distant. Tell her to stop worrying about you and concentrate on herself: given that you ain't budging, what arrangements are available to her that she would prefer?

She'll likely reply along the lines of "what do you care?" at which you may sigh heavily and say "yes dear mother, we've already established that I'm evil and ungrateful, but there you go - let's say I'm taking a purely academic interest…" It's a variation of the broken record technique, where you keep returning her gently but firmly to the subject in hand, namely practical provision for her independent - stress the "independent" bit, she'll like that - old age.

And if/when she loses it and hangs up on you, sigh again and carry on regardless. She wants to be angry, let her be angry. She wants to be accusatory, let her. Just let her be, while you get on with your life. And then, in the fullness of time, when she needs practical support for real problems, you'll see what really needs to be done and you can deal with that. But not by moving down there. There will be a better alternative, simply because nobody is indispensable and that includes you.

I wish. My mother had the nerve to send me something today that said "Never pusha loyal person to their limit" and I had to laugh. She has been loyal to me? really? If anything it's the other way around. My aunt tells me she can't help my mom because she doesn't make that much money. Yet she and her husband have a timeshare in hawaii! And they go on vacation every few months!

Maybe "mommy dearest" can move in with auntie...

Absolutely you shouldn't back down, but even more than that this view of the whole thing as a confrontation, your mother's creation, is ridiculous and you should refuse to play. She's seeing it as: Option 1 you are a good and obedient child and do exactly as she says or Option 2 you are a foolish and unfilial child who casts off her mother to her own ruin... as though those were the *only* choices in the world!!! It's crazy. You can be a perfectly good and loving daughter without sacrificing virtually all of your own quality of life to a living arrangement that wouldn't even work to satisfy your mother's needs. Stand firm, and keep gently pushing her towards seeing all the myriad options she has available to her - that DON'T involve your living together!

Even my bishop told me not to back down.He said that if this was the right choice for me that I should not back down.

"Dear aunt, what was I thinking? Thanks to your abusive messages and disproportionate accusations the scales have fallen from my eyes - I see now that my best course of action must be to change my mind, sell my house, give up my job, isolate myself from my entire social circle and rush down to the middle of the desert to live with my mother and care for her for the next few decades, assuming I don't die first.

Yeah right!"

No my aunt keeps harassing me on facebook. Telling me "How dare you treat your mother this way"etc. I blocked her. She thinks my mother is perfect because that is the side my mother shows her. But I and my siblings know the truth. My mother also keeps trying to pit us against each other and I am tired of it.

When you fall on your ass don't come crying to me…

I want to live on the planet where this constitutes an apology. Saying sorry is something I myself am very bad at (it's like pulling teeth - the worse the thing I have to apologise for the more painful it is) so I am always on the look-out for new and interesting ways to do it.

Elmo, I am so glad that clear line-drawing conversation is over for you - well done! Of course Jeanne is right - "she'll be back…" - but you have successfully blocked off that one route, the one that leads to her living with you. Lots of other forms of guilt and accusation, sure, but now you know where you are and you know where you want to be. Good for you, I'm so proud of you.

Good for you! Elmopalooza you know this isn't the end of the matter. Stay strong! You can continue to hold the line.

Well I did it! Told my mom I was not moving in with her. And as I expected she gave me hell for it. tried to give me the sob story about "What am I supposed to do now?I can't keep working. I thought I raised my kids better then this" and crying on the phone. I do feel bad for her in that I know she is disabled and has issues but I can't be the one to take care of her. And knowing my luck she would live for 40 more years and I would have to kill myself. I talked to my sister afterwards and we both agree that my mom sees herself as this perfect mother who did no wrong but that is not how we all see her. Mom also tried to pull the "You don't love me"" card and I told her that was untrue but of course nothing I said was good enough. She says "You never send me Christmas presents" and I said "that is because you never want anything!" and that didn't help. She stlll bitched. I told her that she called me mentally disabled and she said "I apologized profusely for that" which she didn't. She THINKS she did but telling me "When you fall on your ass don't come crying to me" is NOT an apology! So before she hangs up she says "I'll talk to you in the future..MAYBE" and I just hung up. I can't deal with her. And my siblings can't either.Like the bishop at my church told me "She has to deal with the consequences of her own actions". She just can't see them because she sees herself as perfect and can't understand that she is so far from that.

Wow. I am in the same position. I know I shouldn't have put myself in the position of caring fro my elderly stepfather or mother but I did. I hate it now though. My mother thinks she knows what she's doing but she doesn't. it's haer constant nasty snide comments I can't stand anymore. I can't stand being around her anymore. She does pay me though quite a bit but I think she would give me money regardless of whether I care for them or not. I am feeling like i need to just go away for a while and tell her i won't be over anymore for a period of time. I do two days a week from 8 to 2. my stepfather has dementia and my mother insists he can't be left alone. he actually could be for a short time. So I go there so she can have a break and go out for her walk,etc. She is his power of attorney so she controls all the money and care for him but she's doing things wrong. IU can't talk to her. She is rude and nasty to the nurses that come there I am a retired nurse so i do my share but boy I hate it. I am 60 now though and would like to live my life, that's the reason i retired. sure I need her money but I'm starting to think it just isn't worth it to be emotionally abused as she has abused me my whole life. She is 80,not that old, but insists on not doing anything doctors tell her. I feel guilty and don't know what to do. I am the oldest of three siblings my sisters aren't going to come take care of her.I think that if it's making me cry,it's time to quit.

I feel for you because I too have a mother similar to this.She refuses to go to assisted living and has a list of things to do in the yard now that the weather is warming up. I get her groceries for her on Sundays and have a little visit with her, depending on her mood.... Thank the Lord she has caregivers who come to her home twice a day, 7 days a week. They change her bedding, make a lunch and small supper for her, administer to her various needs. She is lonely yes and wants us to visit.. but then again the conversations turns negative about my sisters and what they have said to do, and what they havent done for her... there is a sister who is out of town (4 hrs away), they talk on the phone almost 4 times a week... she is the shining star. She only visits once or twice a year. My mother has always been "edgy" and hurtful, she is esp mean to my other sister who lives near her....I think because she is morbidly obese like my mom, and my mom is not aware of her own physical appearance. My sister is like holding a mirror up to my mom.... Mom is very vain and finds fault in other to boost her self esteem up. What a great post, this has helped me cope with what is going on in my life... there are thoughts that I have that a loving daughter should not have with their mother.... in a perfect world.

JessieBelle, Agree… That is why my first word in my first post here was HELP…
Desperately need practical advise… And I got it, on this very forum… Thanks to all… Now my mother has all doctors aware of the situation and monitor her behavior, eventhough she is not taking their advise, period. I found a lady who is with her 4 times a week, 9she is still get back at me the other 3 though)… I try to tune out when I leave her to go home… And firmly tell her that I am at work, when I am, and can not listen to her laundry list of usual "wants" and "needs" at 9 am… on a daily basis. List warries mind you… as soon as I resolve one item, it gets replaced with a new one…
She is not making any progress, but at least I am, thanks to all of you out there...

VeryTired, to me it seems like there are two groups of people standing on different sides. One group says, "Save yourself and get on with your own life." The other group says, "You ought to do more and more. She is your mother, y'know." I am learning to try to tune both groups out. I would be pulled all kinds of different directions if I listened too carefully. I do like hearing things that I think might work for my mother in her present situation. The rest just fades to background noise. Everyone's situation is different, so we have to pick and choose what is right for us.

I can't count how many times I was told by older people( as if it is even possible to be older than me, I feel like I am a 100): "What can you do?! She IS your mother..." It drives me insane! I want to tell all those people, I AM doing, I always did and will do everything humanely possible to do whatever i can, but what did i ever do to get thrown plates at, screamed at, and to be told all those horrible horrible things?!. She is amNarcissist, Bipolar to boot,'with horrible mood swings... She suffocates me with her insane "love" when she is in a good mood and crusifies me when she is in bad. And when she is enraged, I start to cry from total hoplessness... But, what can I do, she is my mother, right?

Well, also, you can tell your friend that you prayed about it and God answered your prayer. The answer was keep saying no. Then I would ask that she pray for you to have the strength to continue saying no. Therefore, she can hush about you needing to pray. If she will not pray for you, then she needs to and can pray for herself for more understanding and wisdom. She just might need you to stand by her as a friend in a time of need. Friendships need to be two way streets and not one lane freeways going in one direction.

Get your prayerful friend on here to get an education. Well.ray that she starts understanding and stops judging people for avoiding unbearable situations instead of falling into the rabbit hole and being unable to extricate later.

I agree and see nothing to pray about, but do see the need for ongoing prayer for strength to continue to say no. Looks like you've been saying no since first bringing this up in July of 2014. Maybe it is time for no more contact as a consequence of her continuing to bring it up for the sake of your own health. When an intrusive, controlling person like your mother just keeps breaking the same boundary over and over again, there has to be some concrete consequences for her to bear from dong so.

What really gets me is that my friend tells me to "pray about it". Well first of all, yes I AM religious. But I don't think go would want me to live with a woman who calls me mentally disabled because I won't tell her how much is on MY credit card. Prayer is great and I believe in it. But it's insulting that people use that as their solution for everything. And then my friend say "I can't make the decision for you" as if I ever ASKED her to!

Ugh, Elmo - I feel a letter coming on, addressed To Whom It May Concern and opening "For the avoidance of doubt, I like my life, thank you all very much, and I will not be putting a bomb under it by moving into a shared household with my dearest mama, no, neither up here nor down there."

You must be tearing your hair out. Who put this wretched item on the agenda (as if we can't guess), and what do you have to do to get it [bleep-bleep] off again???

Yikes! I'm sure she is much, much less expensive that other care options.
It's amazing what people will overlook to avoid having to make changes.

I hope you can make it crystal clear to the family you are not going to be the caretaker for mom in any city of any state. They are going to have to figure it out.

Yeah how she got that job is beyond me. My mother a few years ago came to visit. My niece was 5 at the time. You now how kids are at that age. they want to do their own thing. It was summertime and they were getting ready to go to church. She put on a long sleeve dress. My sister(her mom) asked if that is what she really wanted to wear. my niece said yes. So my sister let it go. My mother however? She starts yelling at the poor kid telling her she is stupid and her friends are going to make fun of her! She calls two of my neices and nephews fat and lazy. She says my brothers kids are not bright,etc. So I worry about how she treats these kids she cares for but I don't know the family so there is not really much I can do. But she did get in trouble with them a week ago. My mom was staying with the kids for a week while the parents went on a trip. They would call every night to talk to the kids. You know 4 year olds. They don't like to talk on the phone. So the little girl would keep walking off. One night after my mom thought she had hung up, she scolded the little girl for not wanting to talk to her parents Apparently the parents didn't hang up either and heard it! She got chewed out. But she still has her job. So who knows. That's their problem if they want to keep her on.

Elmo -no, people who have not run this gauntlet have utterly no idea. If your mom is a nanny, why on earth does she or your family think she needs you to live in for help? If she needs that kind of help, she should absolutely not be responsible for children in any sense. That sounds like a really bad situation to me.

It doesn't matter who understands what in or out of the family. You are an adult who gets to decide who you live with and where you live. You get to say "NO, I have my own problems and won't take on yours too."

Stay strong and don't let anybody run you over like a doormat.