My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Getting a sincere apology out of a borderline or narcissist is like getting champagne out of a toad.

Sadly that is a lesson that my mother has NOT learned yet. She says mean things to me and then when I confront her about it later, she either denies that she said it or tries to tell me that "I said I was sorry" when she either hasn't or thinks that insulting me even further is an apology.

This is my 98 yo mother who is now in assisted living. She is now learing that she cannot say whatever pops into her head and be respected. The other members of her community do not stand for her verbal abuse. She is now learning to THINK before she speaks.

Susan, you were appointed trustee of your father's estate, is that right? And you now have POA for your mother?

You could, if you like, question why you continue to play an active, hands-on role in your mother's life. You can wind up and disburse your father's estate, you can resign your POA, handing your mother's finances over to a professional administrator, you can walk away. There is nothing in law that obliges you to see your mother at all if you choose not to, and there are always - at a price - ways of delegating the financial responsibilities that remain towards your mother.

But it's not that easy, is it? We have feelings towards our parents, for good or ill, that are very hard to let go; and in your case I expect that whether or not you do all this work for your mother you will continue to feel the feelings.

Since they're so painful, perhaps those are what you should work on. I'm not one to skip merrily along to the therapist at the drop of a hat, but don't you think it might help? You do have a turbulent mass of emotions going on, after all, and working with someone else to sort them out might make them much easier to handle.

I sooo agree with all of you! My mother is so nasty, I started calling her(not to her face) "the Devils mother".. She has ALWAYS been controlling & abusive to me, I'm never good enough, nothing I do pleases her even though she has tried to shape my life. This awful side of her personality has not changed, it has intensified. She was able to create a facade in front of others by masking her ugliness by being overly dramatic, overly happy, smiling & laughing all the time while stabbing these people behind their backs! She has been diagnosed with Alzhhimers & everyone tells me it is not her but the disease! B.S.! And I should not take it personal, but I do! I know this is her down deep & she is now unable to mask it. It hurts me to the core! My father just past in June 2015 & I don't know how he put up with her. She would argue with him & downgrade him as well, but he felt his vows to her were forever! When he was alive, she resented the pleasant & cooperative relationship he & I had together. I was prevented from visiting him with her there because of her ongoing hate she had towards me. Since I was appointed trustee, she thought I was always stealing or taking items from their home. She still accuses me of this. It feels horrible not to have a mother who doesn't trust her daughter. Now that my father, my best friend has passed, she is constantly leaning on me. I don't want to be her puppet! But at least the horrible jealousy has subsided. If I don't visit her, she threatens to change "The Will". (And she has put in the trust that no matter how incapacitated she is, she still has the right to change her POA at anytime, thus giving them power over The Will) I constantly get calls from her on a daily basis, pleading for me to visit her. If the caretakers don't monitor her calls, I've had as many as 40 a day! When I do answer, she goes on about how much she loves me & misses me etc. Then, behind my back, she goes into downgrading me to everyone! When I visit her, she cries all the time OR talks about "her money"! Always wanting me to give her cash! It's sooo depressing & painful for me to experience. When Dad was alive, she never cared about seeing me. I see her once a week but it's never enough! Am I doing the right thing? Does anyone have any suggestions how I should handle this? Being around her is pure hell because I know her actions to me are false. As a child, I would have loved for her to tell me how much she loved me or give me hugs & kisses. This behavior is now non-stop. I'm surprised that I'm not more insecure or mentally screwed up!

No you are not alone, I have a mother just like that but I let my siblings deal with the gulit

Tryingmybest, what you wrote is so true. I've noticed that same thing about the way others think about old people. Old people are not pitiful and helpless. They are the same people they have always been. Inside of them still lives that person they have always been. I dread the day that anyone should look at me as pitiful and helpless.

Something else I've noticed when it comes to caregivers is that people often cast us in a childlike and subservient role. So advice ends up looking like, "Your parent is old and pitiful, therefore you should do things to make mama/daddy happy during their last days on earth." That sounds fine until we consider that those last days on earth can stretch out more than 10 years and often require total donation of the caregiver's life. We need to come up with a new way of advising that elevates both the care receiver and giver to the same dignity they always had.

elmopalooza - I know exactly what you mean. I get so tired of the people who jump to trite assumptions. Sounds like your Mom has a pretty full social life.

Just because a person is old it doesn't mean they are suddenly some sad thing deserving of our endless pity. Frankly I find that point of view insulting to elder people. My parents have always been angry and unhappy it has nothing to do with age. Thank goodness I have a number of elders in my life, people well into their 80s and even their 90s, who accept the limits of age with grace and are finding ways to live life to the fullest within those limitations. If I thought that becoming elderly was some kind of horrible sentence I think I would be planning my exit sooner than later, but I don't.
Having said that I do feel sad for my parents that they are such miserable people. I am kind to them and help as I am willing and able but I don't get sucked into trying to make them happy. That is a black hole that will never be filled and damage those who try.

Wow! Lots of adult children of miserable mothers out there! Today, my mother reamed me out in front of the nurses who are caring for her at the hospital. One of the nurses said don't take it personally it is the alzheimers that is making her this way. But I know better, this is how she treated me all my life. I am 57 and while I have forgiven her, the wounds are deep. How do I deal with it? I put myself first. Sometimes I feel guilty too. But when she acts out I remind myself that my lack of sensitivity for her has it's roots. She made her bed, she has no friends. Her life is no life, she sits in front of the television all day, lonely and depressed because of the isolated life she chose. She is in the moderate stage of the disease. Thank God she has a husband who puts up with her. I that God everyday for him. I certainly could not live with her. She is so mean, nasty and controlling. But I do not let her get to me like I used to. Again, it hurts but I know I am a good daughter and that I doing the right thing for me first, then for her.

If my friend tells me one more time "Your mom's LONELY" I am going to scream. Shes NOT lonely. She has friends supposedly where she lives, she has her sister, her job and she is dating. How lonely can she be? If she was SO lonely? She would move back home where her family is but she doesn't want to do that.

I can definitely relate to your mom's "illusions of grandeur" that seem to be an important aspect of your mothers life. My mother grew up with a lot of money & was spoiled rotten. She has given my father hell for not providing the money & luxuries she was used to. She also parades her "Hollywood past with utter strangers" ! That really turns her on! But problems with scammers are created. She loves & trusts her past cleaning lady more than she does me & has brainwashed this woman in believing that I don't care or listen. Ha! My mom used to throw 100 bills around to people like her! They keep coming back until they finally see the real person behind the money. Problem is, thoses people love getting the money & steal valuables from her. When she can't find them, she accuses me (or sometimes my brother) in stealing them! Sometimes, those items have been hidden by her & sometimes not. It really scares me when you tell me your mother is 95! Mine is only 85. How much longer am I to go through this? I really feel for you! And isn't funny that she has no problems with your husband? My mother tells my x-husband or my last boyfriend that "they were her favorite" . Its such a crock. And of course if the caretaker doesnt do what she wants, they are considered beneath her. I think my mother was abused by her father who she defends to the end. After making big money he became a severe alcoholic. She has disowned her sister for 30 years. I'm sure it's because she doesn't want to re-live that part of her past. Oh what web we weave! The skeletons in people's closets can cause such behavioral destruction on themselves & others...

Well now my mom is speaking to me again. I kinda liked not speaking to her for a few weeks. But at least she is behaving herself so far. It's not to talk to her about stuff other then me moving. Of course I told her that I have two callings in my church now so that should help. Because when the bishop gives you a calling(Primary,etc) you can't turn it down without a good reason. We'll see how it goes. She is dating again so I hope she will find a guy to settle down with and then she can mooch off him!

Thanks, VSTEFANS, for empathy and advice. What great words--I just had a good cry reading your kind post. And SUSNAG 1956, sing it sister. You are very courageous and you have many more "characters in your movie" than I do. Your descriptions so SOOOO familiar and I have experienced much of what you describe. My La Grande Dame instantly "falls in love" with utter strangers, who slobber all over her grand appearance and "look of money" and then parades her Hollywood past before glowing admirers and gives them gifts and money---but then when she realizes they are liberals, or are just "the little people who do not know their place", she turns again in to the Gorgon. Of course, she has accused me of trying to get the POA--of course, I have not and have no idea what her monetary arrangements are. My prince of a husband is the only man she didn't chase off or scare (he's completely unimpressed) and she couldn't STAND it that I got my own life, age 43, (I'm now 65) after scurrying around being her hand-maiden for 40 years--hence I missed the window to have children. I feel like Elizabeth Barrett Browning, the poetess, who escaped to Italy at night from her horrible over-bearing father and found happiness late in life--despite the insults, threats, and vicious phone calls. You both are angels to respond--thanks. I'm just getting too tired of being so scared--she just gets stronger at 95!! Your words of "depressing" and "heart-wrenching" are PERFECT. There must be nice people out there somewhere.

Boy! Do I ever know what your going through. My mother has always be a controlling person! She must have things her way or she will give you grief by downgrading & evil accusations. She was a schoolteacher for 20 years. She would put on a facade in front of her students as well as other people. We have been told what a great teacher she was for years! However, only a few have witnessed the other ugly side to her. My father, my brother & I have never been good enough & she has constantly reminded us of that to this day! This woman must have a puppet! She is so insecure with her phoney behavior of being so friendly to others when she has been making her family feel guilty & ashamed. Nothing is ever good enough for her & everything is about her. She now has Alzheimers & this ugly behavior has intensified. Being the POA & Trustee has been extremely exhausting & painful for me. If I knew she would be this bad, I would have refused the job. She is constantly accusing me of stealing, from items of value to "her money". My father has just past. When he was alive, she used him as her puppet, she tried to brainwash him in believing her accusations that my brother & I were stealing from the estate. He & I were very close, talk together about their trust, reviewed issues & he told mei was doing a great job. My mother has resented the close father & daughter dynamics we have. She would use him as a puppet to try to side against me. Now that he has passed, her ammunition against me has dwindled. She knows that my brother & I will not be controlled by her wishes which are now either insane or impossible! She now tries to use the caretakers as her puppets as well, but that usually ends up in a debacle. I went through two years of crying because she didn't trust me. I know now that I was grieving at losing any goodness she had in her. After losing my father who was my rock & best friend, after watching her downgrade him day in & day out, I think she might feel that she is losing whatever battles she was insanely creating. Now she wants to die & has attempted suicide a few times. We know she is trying to control us with her "feel sorry for me" behavior. But we are grieving over my father as well. She wants to argue with us about that fact that she loved him more than we did? That issue just comes out-of-the-blue!!! I am trying to get pschological help through her primary doctor, but they know it's a losing game. Her dementia will only get worse. We just don't understand why she doesn't take the time to show us her love now, instead of fighting us as if we were the enemy! It breaks my heart, & it takes every ounce of determination & love I have for her, to be able to visit her once a week for a hour. It's truly depressing & heartwrenching to hear her evil accusations of us.

Cheekah, you are a true success in life and mom is 1. jealous and/or 2. ashamed that she predicted otherwise when you were young.

Always remember it is HER not you, her story, not yours. God bless you and don't be ashamed of her words having more power than the average person to throw you off balance...after all, she's Mom and nothing really changes that. All of us have a right to expect love and support from a Mom, not perfection, grant you that - but some of us don't get it and all of us tend to think there is something wrong with US, maybe because it is much less threatening to think that when we are young and dependent. You are going to be all right. When she does pass on, your mix of emotions will be a bit rocky, but just be kind to yourself and keep on celebrating those anniversaries! Only 8 years to your 30th - make it a big one, whatever else does or does not happen!!

Thanks to all for saving my sanity. Reading these thoughtful and courageous posts makes me realize I'm not alone. As an only child dealing with a 96-year-old diva, who says lovely, motherly things like, "Well, why didn't you divorce that husband of yours after ten years? Now you'll have to share everything when you divorce him" (after telling her that I just celebrated 22 years with my prince of a husband) and other such encouraging tid-bits such as, knocking on her door after not seeing her for a year and the first words out of her mouth are "You look young and thinner...are you on drugs?" I'm so frightened of her, I sometimes think just dying sooner than she does will make her happier. I've worked since I was 16, never took drugs, obtained my Master's Degree and live far away from her in another zip code just for sanity and have never asked her for anything (I'm too frightened). Being 65 and a puddle of fear if I have to see her is embarrassing and I am just flummoxed.

Betterdays, you are brave to tell your mom. I wait until the hospital social worker or Dr tells her what the discharge plan is or Mother screams and hisses at me. She forgets what they tell her and then takes her wrath out on me when I remind her. Hope your week gets easier.

I know how you feel Bax and others with difficult, if not downright impossible mothers. I'm also feeling worn out taking care of a mom who had a real charming side when I was growing up, but could punch me in the face if she got mad. I always take the high road and treat people by the golden rule. I'm in my early fifties, taking care of her and dad. I am fortunate and have a sister and a CNA who help. I'm running their household, driving, dealing with daily dementia challenges, hospitalizations. I pray and vent here on this site to you, my friends out there.

Baxter, your mom did not lose her beauty to old age, she lost it to a mean and selfish spirit. She would still be beautiful if she had a kind and grateful heart.

Her put downs are miserable attempts to build herself up, to blame you for what she has failed in, and as long as she can take your continued presence for granted, they will continue. If you can find any alternative caregiving plan or respite, use it despite any objection she might have; or at least, if you have any freedom to step away or provide the bare minimum of care when you are spoken to so inappropriately it may take the edge off. Even at this late stage it would be better for her if she learned there is some limit to her dishing out grief without consequences, and some benefit to being charitable.

People really have died of caregiving stress, and there is no benefit to anyone if that happens to you. You would not be wrong to try to find a way out of this caregiving situation, partially or completely.

I hate to sound so pitiful. I know everone out there is fighting for a normal life. Im praying for everone who needs to know GOD loves us and things will get better one day. So Im sending out hugs and hugs and hugs peace and floating soft clouds smiles and whatever can bring the most peace and hsppiness to you.

TILDA, May GOD bless u and give u strength. Im so overwhelmed myself with my acid tongue mother I dont know where to start. I want to scream on the top of a mountain. I dont want to cry because I dont know if I can stop. At this point in my life i feel like my 82 year old mother might outlive me..Im tired and worned down Im in my early 50s and can hardly take her abuse anymore.All my life she has treated me like she really hated me. Not only because of my color but she told me today after calling me all kinds of names i dont deserve to live. She is awful. Addicted to loranzepram and she can hardly hear and hateful because she is old and her beauty has faded away..Its such a long horrible history behind my mother and my older sister who has not called her or spoken to her for 15 years we saw her at a family funeral. Before that 10 years no word. Yet my mother says my sister is a smarter better person than me
She dont care if my mom live or die but shes better than me. Ive been taking care of her now for 5 years. Walking on eggshells and my soul is weary. Right now im going to pray because my Lord GOD is my salvation..

Mom called me yesterday out of the blue. She didn't actually try to get me to change my mind but she was trying to be subtle. She told me she thought of getting a roomate to help with her rent. And for a second I thought she would actually do it. But then she tells me that she was talked out of it by her "friends". She claims that because she rents this place she can't have a roomate. Which I am sure is not true. As long as you tell the owners about it I am sure it is fine. She thinks having a roomate will jack up her rent which I don't believe they can do either. She then tells me the same story about how she can't keep working much longer,etc. I just didn't even respond to it. So hopefully she got the hint. But I am sure she will keep trying.

Well my mom is not speaking to me. Kinda nice actually. Got tired of listening to her constant complaining and nagging. Funny thing is that my 16 year old niece stayed with my cousin for 2 weeks and this cousin goes on and on about how great my mom is and how she talks to her all the time and that my mom is always saying how proud of me she is! Even my niece said to her "Are we talking about the s ame person?" My niece is only 16 but even she thinks something is off with my mom.

zeenna, its true - depression can be contagious. sometimes medication will help it, but you have to be careful wtih that in elders. In the meantime, take breaks and vent, keep interactions as short ans sweet as possible...congratulate yourself on any little drip of cooperation or positivity you cajole out of her and assure yourself the problem is not *you*! If she never gets out of her room try just telling her its time to do this or that so she has to get a little fresh air. Not that much more you can do, for her anyways!! Cultivate an attitude of gratitude and an easy-going nature in yourself so you are not so miserable when you get older...that's my plan, and I work on it a little every day when I remember anyways.

sotired1962, Are you from Europe? If so, I understand where you are coming from. Guilt is killing me too. Don't want to repeat everything I write in this forum before...just see my posts...
I got tremendous help and advice here... And I thought, I was only one... Just hang on... There is , eventually, the light at the end of this tunnel. The question is, will you survive the darkness, in order to see the light..?

i know this is an old post but as I read it, I almost thought it was me who wrote it! I moved to Texas to get out of the same state as my mother but I am now her caregiver. No one else would take her in because of her ways and the guilt from our culture to care for our own was killing me! its been over two years and my mother has become even more verbally abusive. I shouldnt have to keep her in my home and put up with crap! I dont want her money, I dont want to be paid for being her provider, I just need her out for the sake of my sanity. No one has been able to help me. I hope you found help

My mom is 90 and very negative. She complains about everyone and accuses the maids of theft while she misplaces her things. She is very negative, uncooperative and very demanding. It is getting to be very difficult to be around her and I do get very depressed when I spent time with her. She is getting worse by the day. I feel bad for her but I have had enough of her. I am not sure what to do?

when my mom speaks negative to me about me, i remind her i came from her body, example: she will say "your nasty attitude" and my reply "well I came from you, the person who gave me the nasty attitude." Yes, it may be childish but when i reply to her that "-I came from her body" she stop saying ugly things to me or when she says don't worry you gonna get yours, my reply "yes maybe I will but right now I am able to see YOU get yours!" Yes, it sounds mean- but she has been ugly as far back as I can remember and I need her to know I'm NOT going to allow her to be abusive. Now I hearing Joel Osteen say to me to NOT allow the flesh/feelings run my life, "they were rude to you so I'm going to be rude back to them". I'm ready to turn the channel....

Wish I could get there she can still make me feel sorry for her and I go back just to take her anger again. My son-in-laws hi us a nurse says that the elderly arevery good at knowing how to manipulate you and I think he us right !!

Are you sure you aren't talking about me and my mom? Oh my. The only difference is my aunt knows the difference. She plays on my mom's side while she is there for peace, but she so knows the difference. She is my saving grace.

I am sorry you are going through this. My mom is so ridiculous in her manipulation. My mom would be just fine if I gave up my life--my house, my kids, my husband and of course my dog. The dog is one reason she tells people she won't come to visit at my house. smh!! That's okay, because I have stopped talking to her. She can sit in her own misery, but I will not be miserable anymore... You should not be miserable either. It has taken me many years to come to this, but it feels so good.