My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

I agree with Laura, leave at the beginning of the "nasties" and be sure to tell her (nicely) WHY you are leaving. As the posters on this board told me, when my mom was going through that phase, you don't HAVE to tolerate bad behavior, from your mother or anyone else.

Get up and leave the very moment the nastiness/insults start. She'll get the picture and you will be taking control of the situation.

twi of my brothers are out of state. The one in state understands her quality of life is poor and if she was in her right mind she would probably pick C. But for the most part they have left it all to me.

Cidyb4, if you would want antibiotics given, or other things which may make her feel better, stick with the B. You really should be able to customize. It could be good to make sure brothers are on board - in a more informing and getting input but not asking permission mode - so they don't end up accusing you or feeling like you did not do enough. Do they have any realistic grasp of how bad Mom really is?

Thank you, my husband thinks I should bring my 3 brothers into this decision. They hardly ever speak or see her. I need to go with my gut.

I meant You know her and can see the quality of life. I do really need to start proofreading before I hit the Post Comment button. :-)

No one can advise you on that, because we do not know her or what she wants. She know her and can see the quality of her life. You would know more what she would want. The main point would be is what SHE would want, not what others would want for her. That is the importance of the healthcare proxy -- to carry out the person's wishes in the event that they can't. So ask yourself what your mother would want and follow what this tells you.

I to am going through resentment of being the caregiver of my mother in a nursing home. She has dementia and is wheel chair bound. She falls a lot and is aggressive with the staff. She is a DNR. Today I was asked I wanted her changed from a code b to a c. This would mean no aggressive a measures if taken to the hospital, only her pain would be addressed. This is a very hard decision to make. Please any advise.

To start off, I'm going to say this will be a long post. I am almost 50 years old and have been dealing with my mother (my primary parent) my whole life. She has had a crap life, being married 3 times and none of them were loving marriages. I grew up a very sensitive, shy kid. Thank god for my grandparents...rest in peace. My brother was born when I was 5 and I knew immediately that he was the favorite. She has enabled him and babied him his whole life and now he is a piece of crap 45 year old. Alzeimer's runs in my family. My grandma had it and my mom has it. I would say she is in the mild stage. She lives in an assisted living facility, still drives and is still very capable. When I was younger, I knew she wasn't like other moms. She was more of a friend-mom than a mom-mom...except when it came to my brother. Now that I'm an adult, I think she just didn't worry about me because I was a good student and have been self-sufficient since I was 20. My no-good brother has used people for what they can give him his whole life. I know that her enabling of him has created the monster he is today. She is 84 and he is still manipulating him for money. I swear he could murder someone and she would still find some excuse to give for him. As she has gotten older and in the last 5 years (probably at the beginning of the Alzheimer's), she is getting progressively more critical of me, my boyfriend, my life, etc. When I call her, she acts like I'm a bother. She really only calls me when she wants something. She has called me fat my whole life (I'm a plus size gal) and is always saying hurtful things. I feel like the Alzheimer's has made her already critical self even more so, except when it comes to my brother. He's not a good person, manipulates her and everyone else and is not a good father. I can't sit by and let him continue to manipulate her for money and whatever else he's getting from her. It's almost like she is jealous and resentful of me. I really want to ask her why she is so nasty to me, but I don't know if it's worth it at this point. All of these posts are really helpful to me. Unfortunately, it's nice that I'm not alone...unfortunate for us all. Thanks for listening!

A lot of us had to grow up with rotten parents (me included). When we were children we HAD to live with the crap they dolled out. Hopefully, the experience has made US better parents to OUR kids. Even though we are now older adults, the scars of our childhood remain. Some adult kids get stuck at a certain way of coping and never progress to independence. PLEASE understand this...YOU do NOT have to (nor SHOULD you) continue to take the B.S. that your parent throws your way!!!!! You DO NOT have to have a relationship with them if they are verbally abusing you. You wouldn't put up with physical abuse, then why are you putting up with mental torture? Step back and pretend your best friend is in your situation with your parent. What would you advise him/her? You became an adult at 18 (or 21) and it's time you set some BOUNDARIES with your parent. YES, you can do that! The boundaries are for how YOU will be treated by them. Remember, you are an adult now too, an EQUAL with your parent. You have no right to try to change them but you have every right to say what YOU will or won't put up with. You aren't legally responsible for them, but morally you may feel like have to make sure they are taken care of. That doesn't mean that they HAVE to live with you or that you have to visit them.
We get stressed out FOR A REASON.
Stress is telling us to get out of a situation so we can be less anxious. It's time to let your parent know HOW you want to be treated and what you will not tolerate anymore. You have that right. It's YOUR choice if you let them continue to dominate you. It's time to stop letting guilt run and ruin your life. Just do it once, the next times will be easier. Mom or Dad aren't going to to be any worse for wear if you buck up and become an adult. If they don't like your new attitude, they don't have to see you. Then you'll see what you REALLY mean to them.
Life is hard...and then you die :) The way I interpret that is; It's HARD times now but at death, it's the end of all this garbage with other people taking advantage of the good person you are. You will be free to be you and will be loved by all in Heaven. I'm not ready to go just yet but I'm happy to think that I won't have to put up with THIS situation for all eternity! Just my 2 pesos.

You are definitely not alone.

Treading Water,
Now it is 2016 and just now read your letter. I am wondering what how your situation has evolved? I am now experiencing the exact same feelings. My mother also is self-centered and the older she gets, the more intense she becomes. It's very sad and upsetting for me. They say that she will never change and I am the one who has to. The words are easy, the actions are difficult.

Wow thanks to all you nice people for your kind words. I've been toying with seeking professional help for about a year. I drown myself in my work not to think about it. After reading your comments and questions clearly I have issues. It feels different hearing outsiders point out my bad life choices. Like all the people here I love my mother, although she makes me feel less than. I guess I feel luckier compared to other stories I've read. I don't think I know how to put myself first. I like when others are happy. I like to be happy too but my happiness currently revolves around my work. There are times I wish I was gay because everytime I talk to a woman I just see problems, which of course makes me undesirable to women, which I know I use as an excuse why nobody woman wants to be with me. I'm going to seek help. My mother does take medication, she has her own issues but I don't know what to do. I'm just going to get help. Thank you to all you nice people for taking the time to write such nice things. It made me feel special for change. I wish you all the best and if you have similar problems I hope you all get the help you need.

I understand how Eddie feels, I too was always my parents matt, especially my mother whom I spent a lot of time with because she had no life of her own! Things are still the same now & I'm tired of it, so I have very little patience & my compassion is fadoing! People like this should be medicated, but my mom refuses everything, even a totally natural melissa tea gives her side effects...
I refuse to be put down all the time;we cannot give our life for someone who takes us for granted...we must move on!
Older people need help, but many of them think they own their kids, that´s been my experience anywaY!

Nikki - there is no way you should expect yourself to support Mom in her decisions to have an affair, but neither is it your responsibility to stop it. Eddie, this is not about your mom's age , but about her mental illness, which you have lived with for so long it seems normal. It isn't normal for moms to treat sons like this and you probably need counseling help to give you a chance to break the habit of accepting that distorted image of yourself she reflects back to you. And totally stressed - you are just being totally honest. If you have any way to get outside help for her care, absolutely go for it. Dementia does not typically make difficult people easier to live with at least not until real end stage when thy can't say or do as many hurtful things anymore because their abilities have so severely declined.... Sad stories all around...not all of us ever had the kind of relationships with our moms that we would wish to be remembering this weekend on Mother's Day, or we had them and lost them. I wish I could just have a big group hug with everybody here who needed to get those hugs from Mom and can't or didn't! Mine cared in her won way, but she did not believe in hugging or saying I love you... it took me a while to learn to do it myself for the people I care about now.

I am also going through the similiar issues. I can't stand being around my mother anymore and I find myself losing my temper with her. She too was a domineering person who always felt she was right and made you feel like crap. She was angry and bitter all the time and now she is 91 with dementia among other physical issues and her mind is gone. She is constantly talking about nothing, she wont sleep at night or in the day, she doesn't let me breathe. I am the main care giver and I want my life back. I have two older sisters who are useless and dont understand what pressure I am feeling. I am also in between jobs and looking for work so that adds to my pressure. I understand where you are coming from and I will tell you that you have a right to how you feel. I don't feel guilty anymore and to be honest when the time comes and she has passed I will feel relief because she isn't my mother anymore, she has become someone else due to this disease. Maybe that sounds harsh but its how I feel.

Please know that you are not alone. It helps to express how you feel on this website. Many of us are going through exactly of what you have written. It is comforting to know hey, I am not alone in this. I pray for everyone who is going through this with their parents. My mom is 91 years old and I have seen the changes in her and it is difficult. Thank you and blessings to all.

Eddie, for heaven's sake. You've been trying to change your mother for twenty years. I have to say, you're not quick on the uptake, are you? - you CAN'T change your mother. Arguably, one person has no right to "change" another, anyway… but that's not the point. The point is that you what you can change is your side of your relationship with your mother, because you are in charge of what you do and how you behave.

Stop trying to please your mother, because this is impossible, because your mother is determined not to be pleased - for her, life is a lot more fun when she gets to blame and criticise you, isn't it? But you don't have to play her game. Instead, do what you think is the right thing in terms of looking after her, but cut her out of influencing *your* life. She can't emasculate you if you leave the room, can she. She can't complain about the food you buy for her if you don't buy any - sure, she can complain that you *don't* buy any, but so what? When did that become your responsibility?

You're right, you do need help. And I'm sorry if I sound flippant or harsh, but I'm also guessing that anything I might say is nothing compared to what you take from this lady. So, get help to stop taking it. Believe me, you can feel better and *still* have a mother who is well taken care of. Good luck, come back and say more if you'd like to.

eddie is your mom taking anything for her depression? What has been the overall impact of her ways on your life as a whole? Why are you enduring all of this abuse? I think some boundaries are needed for you own protection. I would be inclined to say, I am not going to be so available if you keep treating me this way and list how she is mistreating you. Save yourself.

I'm having similar issues. I'm currently in my mid thirties and my others only in her 50's and she drives me nuts. When she's healthy she calls on sickness, when things are going good she'll gossip about other people. When I give her money she says thanks and begins bashing my lifestyle. When I paid for her high priced lawyer she complained about everything, when I bought her expensive 17 inch laptop because she claimed she was going to school she did everything in her power to find something wrong with it. She even broke the mouse and laughed about it. Then she told me the program she signed up for was a scam. When I buy her food she complains. When I take her out for walks she embarrasses me talking about what other people are doing as if I care.

She's currently in the hospital and when I go see her I feel like her pet dog and she likes to show emasculate me. It drives me nuts. I know most of the people here have elderly parents but my mother isn't even that old yet. She's about 10 years away from being 65 and I'm doing everything I can to change her. But when I really think about I think that's why I have a hard time finding the right woman. Because I'm always trying to change her. I've been trying to change her since I was a teen. I'm glad I'm not alone on this. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish I could give advice but I think I'm the one that needs help because I feel less human when I'm around. The thought of visiting her in the hospital makes me feel weak.

How does it come about that this woman - about whom you haven't a good word to say, by the way - has been living with you for four years?

Happier and stress free living in the same house as a person with whom you are not on speaking terms. Hm.

I'm finding this post a bit of a strain on my willing suspension of disbelief.

Question:I really need advice...I am 44 yrs old...my mom is 63 with diabetes along with other heath issues..my dad died about 5 yrs ago he had Parkinson.s...all my life me and mom was close until you crossed her..She always have been a mean nasty hateful women...She have 2 girls..and my brother was killed 16 yrs ago...She constantly cusses us out call us all kinds of of b**ches...and more unbelievable words...She told my sister she wished it was her I.stead of my.brother...She treated my father most of the time like s**it....and I always told her she's not in good health...u will reap what you sowe.....none of the family deals with her...She is involved with a married man...and you can't say anything to her about that situation...She will go off on you...She puts him over top of us..and he's married...She lives with me for the last 4 yrs.we don't speak at all she stresses me out and drains me terribly...I stay clear of her...I have a boyfriend of 22 yrs.I.have 3 sons 21 26 28....with 2 grandchildren...and I have a cousin who stays with me..he is 44 with a bit of a disability that I help out...my uncle which is my mother's brother take care of there mother...I.get her when I.can most of time on holidays...I do her hair dress her take her out to eat and shopping...She enjoys it...my mother does.t help my uncle with my grandmother at all...and my grandmother did everything in the world for my mother...when my grandmother comes over she act like she's not even here..She does nothing.g with her or for her.....She barely talks to her....but when somebody else husband calls...u can jump up and do the world for him...the hell with your family and your kids who pulled u out of financial situations...took care of u in so many ways....my children she treats like s**t half the time....but always want something from them..now she is starting to lose her eyesite.....and my uncle calls me pleaing for me to make amends with her...I don't hate my mother...but this women has made us miserable and drainful for years.....not saying there were never good times...but she fail to realize we r adults now...u can't bite the hand that feeds you and continue to treat people like s**t...because some day we all will need somebody....and she soon will....and refuse to put my myself in any type of medical situation dealing with this women....I am so much happier and stress free with things being the way they are....I just can't take it no more....all I.do is help help help...and I just continue to drain myself down.....She treated people so badly with her I don't give a flyin attitude and nasty hateful ways nobody wants to deal with her....and I always told her...what goes around comes around....think she cared what we sayed.....She would just cuss us out even more....as we speak the married man is here now...I am just totally done....please give me some advice...Thank you!!!!

Don't sell yourself to you mom's desire for love and security, but tell her to hire people to help her with her money. It sounds to me like she's had enough negative impact on your life already.

Moey - she wants to buy love and security. Try setting up a caregiver contract instead so you get paid a little for some caregiving time, turn around and spend some of that on respite care or chore services, reassure her that having others caregive besides you does not mean you don't love her! She wants and needs you, sure, but not 100% of you.

I am so sorry. My mother is the exact same way and is the same age. I never want my child around her (bad influence). If you have another sibling she likes better I would suggest letting them take care of her. My mother always told me she doesn't want me to take care of her in old age. I still haven't told my sister but sorry sis it will be you (who looks better in my mothers eyes) who will be there for her always. She has ruined so many aspects of my life she gets what she puts out. Good luck in ur situation. You don't owe her anything.

Don't keep the money. Give it back. Put your bag somewhere that she can't get to. It is none of her business opening up your bag. Let her deal with some consequences of her behavior and you take care of you before she kills you.

I tell her I don't want your money but when I go to get something out my bag she has put it in my bag .i told her to get care workers in and pay them but she won't have them very difficult woman has been all her life everything has to be her way .

Moey57, don't take your mother's money, get a therapist and move on with your own life. Life is not over at 57.

Hi I am the same with my mum I am the only girl and the youngest 3 brothers who she calls fit to burn but won't say boo to them yet I do everything for my mum and she treated me bad come between my marriage and if I met a guy she doesn't like them so I have just give up on life am 57 she is 87 but she can look after herself with most things .she keeps giving me money and says I give you it so you will come back always trying to put me on the guilty trip ,I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and a lot of it is to do with my mum ! She never wanted me when I was younger but when my dad died 10 years ago all of a sudden she wants me .i see a spycologist now told what my mum has done to me she says she see's her in a big selfish bubble how right she is I have tried to get her to go in a home so I can get a life I am on my own have been for 13 years but also be able to see my friends I never go out because I am mentally drained she has ruined my life from the age of 16 I got married at 18 to get away from her .

sensa16..of course not!

YOU know you don't deserve that guilt...and so do a few hundred of your sisters and brothers on here in the same spot.