My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Savemefdh,
I'm an only child also, grew up with alcoholic parents that divorced when I was 5. I felt I was a huge burden to both their life styles. Never had "warm fuzzy" or "girlfriend" feelings with my mom, as she desperately wanted attention from men and resented women (me). Fast forward 56 years. She's lived alone for 30 years and now has dementia. She gets tested (positive Alzheimer's) and moves closer to me, so I can assist her. A year and a half later the dementia is too advanced for her to live alone. She was delusional and aggressive/combative to me. No way was I going to live with that. She's been in a great memory care facility for the last 11 months. Best choice that I ever made, even though it was hard in the beginning.

Sometimes the bad things of the past are too difficult to overcome. It sounds like you had a rotten childhood like I did, (if your mother is your worst nightmare). It sounds like your ex was your second nightmare, so it's time to start a new life WITHOUT either one of them. Now only good dreams. If your mom is able- bodied tell her you aren't able to live with her anymore. Assist her in finding other living arrangements. If she has dementia, then go to Social Services so they can hook you up with the proper resources to get her placed.

I'm not sure how old you are but it's time to stop being sick and start living. Make sure your mom is taken care of and that's your last responsibility to her. If you will "never forgive her", then you shouldn't be living with her. Get your pooch and get on with your life.
God will ALWAYS love you and ALWAYS be there for you. Lean on Him as you chart your new life without Mom. Your life is not meant for suffering. John 10:10, (Jesus said) "I have come that they (us) might have life, and have it more abundantly." "More abundantly" means to have a super abundance of a thing. "Abundant life" refers to life in its abounding fullness of joy and strength for mind, body, and soul. (Taken from WOW.com) That's what's in store for you but you need to do it by yourself, in my opinion.

Savemefdh, you have the power. Stop wasting it on feeling sick. Tell yourself you are going to be well. You are going to be happy. Reaffirm that God loves you and He will never give you more than you can bear.
Yes, some mothers are energy-vampires. They will suck the life out of you -- if you let them.

My mother, moved in with me after my divorece. There i was about to start a new life and had my life all planned out for me and my pooch. That is when my hell began. It was hell with my ex, and i was always sick with stomach problems. Now hell has started again for me with my mom in my life. I thought new beginnings, yet i live with my worse nightmare (my mom). Started the 1st part of my life with her, 2nd with my EX, 3rd part which is after my divorce with her again. Now i am sick again. What is with some mothers, do they set out to purposely ruin your life, because of their own miserable lives. Being an only child makes it worst. I think she saw me going on with my life, weasled her way into going with me and ruined everything for me. I will never forgive her, my EX, which is making me doubt my love GOD and his love for me. I already know he does not love me... These arebmy feelings and i will stick strongly to them. They all make me sick! I see know way out. Maybe this is their plan from the beginning, to break me, so i would remain sick and miserable...

Hola my fellow caregivers!
This forum is indeed a Godsend. It helps to know that you are not alone. It helps to know that others are going through the BS and BM of elderly care. Lastly, it helps to know that someone else would love to be in your shoes because they have it worse. As such, I make an effort to be grateful. Still, sometimes i may go off.

I have been caring for my mother for the past six years. She is now 78 with dementia and 10% kidney functionality not a canidate for dyalsis. In the beginning, after moving from Atlanta to Maryland to care for her, I had to set ground rules. I made it clear there would be no disrespectful language and no physical abuse (a practice she perfected with her husband/my father).
Key stategy for our success:
Mrs. W [address her professionally] Once I consistently did this, the adult/kid manipulation stopped. Parents will be parents until they die, but if you remove yourself from being the child they will have to use that BS on the other children or grandchildren.
I love/hate caring for her due to the health issues and seditary lifestyle, but I try to make the best of it.
One great thing about dementia (oxymoran) is that each day is a new day. If I get frustrated, I walk away for 10, 20 minutes. If I get angry, I drive away! Lol.
I have pretty much put my life at 50 (the new 30) on hold to provide the best care to her. I have Nine siblings that never call, visit, write, say boo! But that is okay because I have always wanted to be an only child. I find that without the others around, mother is more cooperative and easier to deal with.
Sometimes we have to have these "Come to Jesus" meetings where I spit out some bitter truths to get her back on the straight and narrow. You see, she has been thrown out of three physical therapy programs for noncompliance. Medicare requires improvement or they will cut you loose.
After a few months of sitting all day refusing to exercise, I had to enroll her in Senior Bootcamp with me, Sergent Dario as drill sergent. She is getting better now. Legs getting stronger. I tell her flat out, "if you lose your ability to walk because of your laziness you life will become hell". It is a harsh reality and seems to motivate her to try.
For my dear beloved caregivers: be not weary in well doing, you shall reap a great reward!
Just don't put up with BS. You don't have to. Life is a gift. Life is a short gift, don't cut yours short with stress. Stress is a killer.
If your parent doesn’t abide by your rules, they are free to go to a nursing home, homeless shelter or the closest bridge to sleep under.
Providing great care is a gem. Cast not your pearls before swine!

Hi my mother also was very negative but I told her a few home truths, not in a hurtful way but in a joking way e.g. laugh and say what a moaner you have become. Is there any help for your Dad? I understand how you feel, probably you want to run away from all the horrible things that are happening. Just remember if your dad can be sweet to you he may come back to himself once he has grieved, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I hope your dad gets back to his sweet self. Maybe you could try and get him to see a doctor. I wish you your dad and family all the best and hopefully your dad will return to himself

I am dealing with such a similar situation. My mother just passed away (the most important thing in my life) and my father has just been so demanding and miserable. He was like that before she passed though. No one could say much of anything or he would just say something ugly. He can't hear good, hurts a lot and is on oxygen. I try so hard, but he is constantly hurting my feelings or my daughters. My brother is hardly ever around to help. What makes it worse is that I live 4 hours away and I believe my father expects me to run up and down the highway. The pain for the loss of my mother is horrible, but he almost acts like he is the only one hurting. He is just crabby and hateful many times, but he can be sweet too. I think this might be dementia as well, not sure. I'm stressed out of my mind.

Sue324,

What does your husband think about this and how does he feel about it?

Could she afford to live in an assisted living place?

I am 55 years old and my 84 year old mother moved in with my family a year ago. She was lonely and did not live near me or my two brothers. When I asked if she wanted to live with us (my husband, 22 year old daughter and 26 year old son.) She immediately said yes but was concerned about "our privacy". I gave her a bedroom and turned my dinning room in to a sitting room for her.

That being said, all my life she has been a very opinionated person in a negative way. I grew up with her constantly giving negative remarks, ie: your wearing that?, I don't like your hair that way?, What did you do to your hair? You need lipstick, you look pale!, and that was just about me, I could go on. Now she is living with me and my adult kids have to put up with the same negative comments. She constantly has something negative to say to my daughter, told her she looked like a whore when she tried on a red lipstick, lets her know when she doesn't like her outfit (my daughter is very conservative with her dressing) even went as far to tell my daughters boyfriend he looked better with out his glasses and tell my son's girlfriend she had grey hair. When you tell her its not nice she responds with "I'm just being honest"

Although she was concerned about our privacy, she is constantly asking questions that don't concern her and putting her two cents in! She does nothing around the house to help, treats the house like an ALF. Doesn't help with dinner yet will complain if she doesn't like they way I cooked it.

She is really a miserable person and I believe she was lonely because she lost all her friends because she was so opinionated. Her son's barley call her and her one son (who does no wrong) has seen her once this year and once last year.

I realize it is what it is for now, however I feel as though I lost my family unit of 4. My kids just tolerate it because they are really great kids but they shouldn't have too. I want to take a vacation next summer with out her, I feel as though now that she lives with us its only fair we get time by ourselves. I feel guilty for thinking like this but we all need a break from the negative nastiness!

Thanks for letting me vent, really not sure what I'm after but thought I would get it all off my chest.

On top of living with us, I have taken her on my family Vacation with me for the last 11 years since my Dad died.

Finding this harder than i imagined...now consistent , going into 5years, dad is almost 91 and dementia has gotten more agressed. I had a near fatal car crash about 3yrs ago and almost died, so its even more difficult. Dad doesnt even know what happened. Up until 2013 a family member was here at family home taking care with his 2 friends. Wasnt the best situation either, since the house was reversed mortgaged by and dad didnt know what was happening. After doing all i could to stop it, etc, they left, Dad never saw the money and now we have this hugh mortgage, that continues to rise. It happened at the beginning stages of dementia. Now after severe car accd i had i made the mistake of selling my condo and moving to house. I had so much reno to do from the mess if the family and friends not taking care of it.. And my dad contibues to get worse.. I have to sell house or we wont get anything out of it..there is some equity at this time.. Still stuck with dad and his actions. Too hard with him. I need to get my businesses going again, but im on disibility for the time being. Extremely stressed and frustrated with this situation and my health not good. Hair falling out and have heavy toxic metals that i need to detox.. Dad is making my life miserable.. Ppl dont get it and i cant go anywhere without settin up caregiver. Too hard to have anyone in house as i cant handle scents, fragrances, perfumes, colonges, laundry soaps, unless free and clear or anything at all that has a scent until i get rid of the toxic issues, ugh. Its toooo hard.. I have too much in my plate. Ive been grieving the loss of my condo and looking for another, but being only on disibility makes it hard for a loan....dad is so demanding and can be quite nasty.. He was a drinker most his life and was never available for me. I only remember him raging and yelling at me.. Although i did much work for myself in support groups over the past 2 decades, living with dad is a horrible experience. Something has to change. Placing him is the best thing to do, but money an issue. Have to sell house first and get another place for me...really relate to everyone here on this forum. Pray for relief and a definite change.. I have no family or any of my own. Standing strong in Gods strength. Thank you for these posts..

tensharp, you can't be charged with abandonment if you provide for her care. You don't have to do it yourself. I know it's easier for me to say that, though, than it is to do it. Getting an elder to accept care from someone else can be like pulling a polar bear into the vet office for shots. So easy to say; so hard to do.

THANK YOU. I am experiencing the same thing with my gma. She had one kid, my mother who died suddenly 3 years ago. I insist and swear that my grandma put her in an early grave. My mom was an only child because my gma was too selfish to share my grandpa any more than that. She is the biggest racist, bigot, homophobe you'll ever meet and no person was ever "christian enough" to be her friend. She is 93 with NOBODY. I am the only grandchild not smart enough to run as fast as I could away from her when mom died. The only reason I'm still doing it is because APS said I "can and will be charged with abandonment" if I just stop. I feel NOTHING for her, and the feeling is mutual. Thankfully, I am getting some help and getting her into a facility where I no longer have to put up with her verbal abuse and just plain ugliness. I feel for you...and I UNDERSTAND.

I met a wonderful woman in her 80's that shared her story with me. As you know from my previous writings on this string that I had no choice but to walk away as my Mother was destroying me. I have no regrets, and was confirmed by this lady's story. She was 31 and her Dad died, she was devastated and went home to live with her Mother to seek consolation. However, the Mother was anything but kind to her and the daily stress living with her Mother resulted in having a thalamic stroke which cause total paralysis of her left side and she is in constant intractable pain for over 30 years since that happened. I share this to express how important it is to value your life - no amount of money, estate or otherwise, is the horrible result of allowing your personal health to suffer... Think closely about moving on - and never looking back... Her story was a gift of God to me and it was as if God had said, "you did the right thing"... All the best...

This is a great thread. My mother has also been mentally ill all my life. She is mean and uses insults and anger to try to get her way. My dad is also sick and lives at home with me. He is a delight, but she is abusive mentally to him too. I thank you for all the comments. It's nice to know I am not alone. I am limiting my visits to her, but the guilt is so hard to overcome. :-(

You are most definitely not alone. My mother is like this. She is 83 and been nasty the whole 44 years ive known her. At first the alzheimers made her nicer. Now my young children are terrorised by her comments and nastiness.

My Dad had Dementia, my Mom has bipolar disorder and my sister has bipolar too. My brother and I are the only 2 who are healthy in the family. My parents house is the most miserable place I can visit, honestly. All they do is fight and argue and yell at each other. They tattle to me like little kids, when one is out of the room and vice Versa. My dad has an all out temper tantrum if the tAlk of any nursing home ever comes up. He made my brother as a young boy promise not to put him there unless he didn't know his own name and surroundings. My mother has run off 3 great care takers that were helping her w him due to her vendictive hateful personality. She was manic when one nurse was there and threatened to kill her. She's hateful to me more than my bro and sis, mostly bc I'm a nurse and i have experience w dementia so she hates me for any help i give, instead of welcoming it. I used to try and help and call and take dad to doc appts all the time but it was killing me. I wasn't functioning well at home as a mom of a wife. So I saw a counselor and learned about self preservation, and taking care of my own family first. I go over once a week, unless she tells me she doesn't want me there. But my guilt is gone. I tried, did the best I could, and got kicked for trying.

I finally received closure today - I had been the only child and executor of the Family Trust - I received word today that my Mom wrote me totally out of her life. I now understand the feeling about being adopted, but for me, at the opposite side of life... I can't express how cleansing and final this feels and the years of being manipulated and emotionally assaulting by my Mother now come to a cleansing conclusion... I wish you all well and feel your pain... In solidarity...

oldsoldier, there needs to be a special name for someone who is determined to be miserable and pull others into that deep hole with them. This is not your fault. You are going way beyond for her, but it still isn't enough. There is going to be something wrong with anything you do. You've known her for your lifetime, so you probably know this already. The best you can do is provide the help she needs and not let yourself get pulled into her pit of despair. I would definitely try to keep the family away from it and get her moved out as fast as possible. Please let us know how it is going. Many of us are going through the same thing that you are with a difficult parent. Being bright, cheery, and giving doesn't work. It is about how they feel inside themselves.

You can get her to a psychiatrist and see if antidepressant medication will make a difference.

Just understand, you can't be responsible for anyone else's happiness. You can't "fix" old age and you can't fix her negative outlook. Have you ever tried ignoring her tantrums? Her resentment can't do you harm if you don't let it.

I don't know where to turn to my mother had a stroke, she is 86. She wanted to be independent and stay at home with care, but now she says she's lonely with her carers going up twice a day, and either my sister or myself going up every day. Nothing or nobody seems to be any good. The carers, the hearing aid specialists, the doctors. I found a cottage next door for me, which added the benefit of independence for herself and also company and care from my sister an I. One day she said she was lonely, we are still waiting for her to move in next door, so I said move in with us until you move in. My partner and I do everything that we can for her, nothing is good enough, now she is behaving like a child and having tantrums everyday. She has always been a negative person, and always, said to me when I was younger "you won't get a job, or you can't do that if I come up with positives she has always come up with negatives. I also look after my Grandson during the holidays and the tantrums are being to get to us all. If I do not agree with her or she does not get her own way she says she wants to die and make us all feel depressed, then she says she want's to stay in her own house and does not want to stay next door, I have tried to understand and be sympathetic but I am running out as I feel that she resents me being healthy and wants me to feel what she feels. I can but there is nothing I can do, I want to live and smile and be happy, but I am beginning to resent her and dread every day.
What can I do?

I dont remember a time when i wasnt "taking care" of my mother - its been all my life. (In one way or another). Oh, i knew/know she was manipulating/abusing me by the time i was a teen, but SHE'S MOTHER! Yeah, right! 20 years ago her circumsatnces changed and she had to move. Yes, she' s here in my home. She's 98, she's as brutal as ever, walker and all! Since her arrival i lost my husband (2006), worse my youngest son (2011)! She never gives it a thought. I wouldnt feel guilty about not visiting, not having her here etc. My problem is that she would be MORE trouble to me if i put her in an ALF. Somehow! Some way! She's a sociopath-maybe even worse! BTW last doctor visit found her stronger than ever. He was concerned about my vitals though!!!! It's much more than a dilemma. I'll think of all going through this. Good luck!

Lost years indeed, depressed and weak from it all. I wish I had moved away.
But I didn't.

Someone recently said to me that this time in our lives, caring for an elderly parent are the 'lost years'. It is so true and such an apt description of how I feel about how my own life has disappeared now, caring for someone I don;t really want to care for.

My mom was always domineering. She bossed my dad around, and kept a tight leash on me until I rebelled, and moved away, as far as I could get. I didn't have anything to do with my parents for thirty years, then guilt set in. I wish I had never given in! I have had mom living with me since my dad passed away nine years ago. I have no life anymore. She has to know where I am, every minute of the day 24/7 if she doesn't she throws a fit. It's difficult even to work out in the backyard or the garage. She insists I check in every ten minutes! Then she has to know exactly what I am doing. If I say one word to her, all I hear repeated over and over all day is, " If he doesn't want me here, I'll just get up and go". I don't think she could get very far, but it does worry me that she might try to go wandering. My friends won't come and visit anymore, even her own friends have left her. She hasn't a kind word for anyone, unless confronted. Then she pretends that she is this sweet little old lady. Like when she goes to the doctor, but they have heard her, while she was in the waiting room. So they know.
Lately her memory has deteriorated to the point that she does not know what she did a half hour earlier. So she will ask for her lunch over and over just a half hour, after she had it. Then she gets nasty. " Ok then just forget about it, I'll just starve". I tell her she just ate, but she doesn't believe me. I'm not sure whether to just keep feeding her till she bursts or what. When dementia hits, it's a hard thing to deal with, trust me. It takes all we have. Hopefully it won't take everything out of us. I truly feel for you. We are in the same boat.

You are NOT alone. It's already hard to take on the role of caregiver, but even harder when the parent is Narcissistic (trust me... I KNOW). As kids, we get sucked into being "programmed" to believe that love isn't conditional (we must DO something for approval that will never come). Then, the inevitable watershed moment happens when we realize it SHOULDN'T be this way and we become angry and resentful.

GIVE YOURSELF GRACE!!!! You DO NOT have to suffer for mom's bad decisions. If that means that she spends a holiday in the facility, at least she's not alone.

Last year I finally took a stand and decided NOT to let the guilt take over. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas AND New Year's with my DOG!!! BEST HOLIDAYS EVER.

Your mom will be fine, and so will you. One of two things will happen: She will realize that she is a product of her own disdain (HIGHLY unlikely) or you will become the bad gal again. Who cares? You're 60 and deserve peace and happiness. She'll be fine.

Benson, what a mess with your mom. I think when the dementia sets in, even slightly, and it's combined with the narcissistic qualities, it creates a REAL ugly situation for everyone. When they lose their memory, they forget which lies they told who, then claim they never told the lies to begin with! Yes, my mother always lied like a rug her whole life, but up until now she was able to keep those lies straight. It *sometimes* helps me to remind myself that this isn't really my mother, but someone who's now very old and has mental issues (or at least MORE mental issues than she had as a young woman :( ) I watched my cousin go through hell on earth with her mother (my mother's sister) who was even WORSE than my mother, and she lived to 97. I knew I'd be going down the same road, and I dreaded it, with very good reason. It's incredibly DIFFICULT to deal with these women's behaviors!! My God, I get totally exhausted every time I go over to see her, and all I do is sit there!! I call these women 'energy vampires', because they suck the strength clear OUT of a person!! They'll suck the SOUL out too, if we're not careful.

My mother complains about my kids not doing 'enough' for her also......and she treats my daughter particularly nasty. I tell her, if she has an issue with them, then to please take it up with THEM, as they are grown up's and I'm not responsible for them! I have a full time (very stressful) job, a house to take care of, a husband, and finances to deal with for TWO families. It irritates the heck of me that my mother doesn't have ONE ounce of empathy to be able to realize that all of HER complaining & carrying on only ADDS to my already FULL plate. But hey, wishing for things to be different isn't going to happen. So I have to figure out how to take care of ME, and put HER issues OUT of my mind! Here's hoping you can do the same.

Notadoormat.......I feel badly for my husband, b/c he has to hear all the venting I do, which involves him in the mess too. I don't cry much anymore, though, I've figured out how to disengage myself from *most* of her drama/complaining, and I've quit trying to fix what's broken. My mother has become SUPER tight-fisted herself, but since I am the one who manages the money, I spend HER money on the things I think SHE needs. She thinks I'm spending my own money, but in reality, I'm spending hers. Like taxes for instance. Before my dear Dad died, I would gather up all of their financial papers in a pile, drop them off at H & R Block, and have someone else do the taxes. I'd pay for the service out of their money, of course, without their knowledge. Ignorance can sometimes be bliss! :)

Anyway, my heart goes out to you for all you're going through, dear lady. I hope you can learn how to set down boundaries with your mother, or else she will continue to walk all over you. YOU make the rules, and if she doesn't like the new rules, well, she can add it to the list of everything else she doesn't like!! Enough is enough.

My mum is the same , very nasty and dominating , trying to tell people what to do , calling everyone every single day all the time shes tried turn my son against me , as she has done nothing but moan n shout n give me grief why hes not been to seen her , , when hes gone their today she said shes never said anything dont know what im talking about , telling people i lent money to pay for my car repairs , when thank god one of my friends was with me when i took my money out my bank just before i collected my car, then she accused my sister then her daughter in law then my son of taking her money , telling my son i want him to move out, she kept saying to me kick him out hes a waste of space like his father , i feel i dont want to go round there or be in her company any more shes making me feel ill shes nasty twisted and horrible and when i say why have yu said this n that , shes says i dont know what im doing n wish i would hurry up n die, shes wont go to the drs she started swearing at me when i asked her to go , shes my mum but i cannot stand being around her my sister n brother feel the same

Thank you, Lealonnie! That is exactly what we decided last night. We will get her what she needs, make sure she has good medical care, take care of the finances. But apart from that, we are not going to interact with her. No more social visits, no more dinners and lunches out, nothing.

And you are right about how much one person can cause so much havoc. When my husband gets home from work, he can take one look at me and know if I've talked to my mother. I am on the floor, in a puddle of tears. And often, when I leave her "independent living" I find myself in the elevator with other middle aged women on the verge of tears.

Babalou - she really can't afford a geriatric care manager or a financial consultant and she's also super-cheap. That's why I'm doing her taxes - just so much easier than the fight over hiring an accountant. It takes a whole day but it is the lesser of the two evils.

There have been two threads, neither of which i can find right now. One is from a woman who finally hired a geriatric care manager and financial consultant of some sort ( with her mother's funds) to arrange care. She sends her mother greeting cards, but that's it. The AL she's in reports that the mom is calmer than in the past, now that her daughter is no longer involved in the hands on caregiving.

The other, more recent thread is that of a woman who felt she needed to respond to her mom's every desire...a new dog, a trip, whatever mom asked for, the daughter was expected to provide. She finally entered therapy and is learning some self preservation skills.

You might find therapy useful. Wishing you well.

I have to add one more thing: I always say how it constantly AMAZES me how ONE person can create THIS much chaos! Right? I mean, my mother and my ex husband are only two people on this earth, but between them, they create more drama and bedlam than a THOUSAND others combined. Sigh.