My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

I have read so many heart breaking comments, here. My Mother was "difficult" all of my life. I stood up to her, once, in my life, as an adult. She was not loving and caring toward my little son. But, now, I realize that she was mentally ill. Before she passed away, she developed dementia. It was very sad. I treated my Mom with respect, most of my life. Now that she's gone, I miss her, terribly. God tells us to "honor our Mother and Father." I believe we should be thankful that, no matter how badly they treated us, they brought us into this world. And life is truly what we make it. You don't have to be a "door mat" to your parents. But I believe, once that have passed away, you will not have any regrets, if you treat them in a firm manner and with respect.

I realize, it is easier said than done, Sunflower1967, but don't let her outlive you. Find somewhere else she can live even if she doesn't like it. If she outlives you, then she will have no one to advocate for her when she is medically super bad off. Try to take care of yourself. You deserve it and are the only one who will.

I feel so much for all of you who are receiving this hateful treatment from your mothers. I too am suffering coping with my mother’s narcissistic personality. With mine it’s like a pendulum that swings from loving to maniacal meanness. From one hour to the next, I don’t know what version of a mother I will get.
Tbw777, I too hope that God will help me, and us all, out of this hell. Then I read Csuszka, whose mother is 100, and I think I can’t put up with 27 more years of this if mine lives to 100! And for all her complaining of excruciating pain and various medical conditions, I can’t believe that she still has the energy to be this mean and demanding. She will outlive all of us, I say!

My mom literally treated me horribly with verbal abuse for years that took down my self-worth. When I got engaged, all she said was, "Don't lose your identity." She wanted me out of the house as soon as I graduated from college, and never let up on me until I left. Now my dad is in heart failure at home in a hospice situation, and she calls needing things, but won't listen to any of my recommendations. I have all this anger towards her that I can't get over, and I'm afraid I'm not being patient or understanding with her on the phone. (Thankfully, I live in a neighboring state) I understand the confusion of feelings, trust me.

I am 56, my mom is 91 just had heart surgery.
In the last 2-3 years I cannot stand her anymore.
She repressed me and my sister for decades. She's only cared about how she looks with strangers and repeats over and over again what a moral and a saint she is. And how people love her!
Her mantra is that everyone should be like her: the world would be better.
She has despised my father since she met him at 19. Still married he passed away few years ago. He was completely subdued to her. She still claims violent acts she allegedly received from him; we never saw anything!
She is still bashing him over and over. I am not kidding. She just repeats how bad my dad's family is and when she wants to offend she says I have his last name: I belong to "that race". She is afraid of dying and meet him again.
When kids we begged her to divorce!!!!! 
It was a nightmare. She would lock herself in a room for up to a month. I was 8-9 years old. I later found she wrote a flood of insults to me, my dad and my sister. I read them at that age and I remember I could not understand what we did wrong! But I managed to brush it off, a little.
About 20 years ago she kicked my sister (31!) out of the house and refused to see her because she felt betrayed as she was dating a married (later divorced) man (my sister is still with him). My sister was sinner. But most of all she "provided pain to her". She staged a suicide. She stayed undressed in the front yard in a cold night waiting to die: a scene.
She would listen to phone calls, and do every thing she can to dominate us.
She is an hypocrite: she kept us separated from my dad's family (aunt, uncles, cousins) as she considered them a "bad race". After my dad died my cousin (nice person) called me and wanted to meet me as I was in their country.
She started to scream at me while I was on the phone. I was embarrassed as we spent all our lives hiding it from the public (I never had friends over because of this). However if they call her she is all nice, kind and happy. She has a double personality!
MY MOM RAISED HELL when I was on the phone with my cousin. She went to my little daughter, grabbed her by her arm in order to make sure she would get her attention to tell her her dad (me) is a criminal. She actually said "criminal". Luckily my daughter does not speak her language. But the point is that she tried to undermine my relationship as a father (and her son) with my young daughter. This is appalling!
I am having more and more bursting of rage. 
Every time I hear her on the phone: she would not listen and repeat what a saint she is. She asks about us but never listen to my answer.
She also has a weird relationship with "suffering/pain". To her this is the most valued virtue in life. If we get sick she changes and becomes somewhat normal.
I have sometime to exaggerate our conditions to calm her down and get her more normal. On the other hand if we are happy we are sinners. We cannot go on vacation and be happy and have a good time: to her it is a sin! She would start her tirade of how bad it is for us and I should stop it.
I believe she has suffered from bipolar disorder if not maniac depression at least.
Try to tell her to go to a pshychiatric she would kill you: she is perfect!
My mother is still telling me how I have to behave.
She had heart surgery and because she is feeling a little better (she gained energy to bash) she started again.
I had a rage reaction, never happened before. I never reacted -EVER and this caused me frustration. I screamed on the phone (I live in another country). My sister got upset with me. I feel bad!
But she is eroding my last thread of patience.
I cannot handle it anymore but the end of this problem is that when I calm down I feel guilty.
In all of these years my mind learned to forget. I actually forget the countless events and my wife says it is a copying mechanism: my wife sometimes has to remind me the "events" she witnessed and I actually removed.
I cannot go on like this.

I’m finally realizing my mothers mental illness is not my fault and never was my fault. My therapist told me this over and over again. For awhile they were just words. Now, I finally believe those words. It finally sunk in to my whole being, my heart and soul and who I am. I finally BELIEVE it!!!

My relationship with mom was always on the cruel side. I am child number 5 out of six. Our home was always dysfunctional, and my mom treated some of us like gold and others like s**t. I was always there for my mom, and looking back I think I was devoted to her because I was desperate for her approval. She never really showed love to me, and often scapegoated and criticized me. When she was diagnosed with dementia she was put into a home. Prior to dementia she always told me I was a rotten and controlling person and she could never live with me. When she went into care she kept asking why I put her in there. My answer was because I was a rotten and controlling person and she could never live with me. Through this journey though I developed true empathy for my mom, and realized she must have been unhappy and insecure. If she was happy and secure she would have never been so down right cruel and mean. I keep in touch with her now a days, and due to her dementia our visits are usually happy and positive. I totally forgive her now for how she treated me, and I am able to see aspects of her personality that are quite enjoyable.
I can't change the past, and I accept that now. I don't carry around any what "If"s anymore. My mom is who she is, and unfortunately was never brave enough to take a deep look into her behaviour and make positive changes that would have improved her life and those that loved her.

This post is from March, 2011.
Is the OP still with us?

A wise Golden23 said:
" I think it is responded to fairly regularly because this theme strikes a note with a number of people who come to this site and are struggling with a mother who has been difficult all their lives. It makes care giving so much harder. It is relevant for them."

So this thread lives on. Doubt that the poster, Treading Water is still around?

honoring your parents does not mean being their slaves or that you must be their personal caregiver, particularly if they abused you. Please see a therapist to deal with this guilt. You've done nothing wrong.

repeat

You are not alone. I feel selfish and guilty too. I have not done what God asked me to do by honoring my Mother. My Father is deceased and I honestly don't know how my Father coped being married to her, but he did until his last breath, she didn't deserve it. I feel no better about her than I did at 16 yrs old (you can add 4.5 decades) little has changed. There is no pleasing this woman, she depresses me, and I don't like her. Sound familiar?

She needs a good taste of her own medicine with family abandoning her.

WOW!! If I hadn't read your caption, I would of thought you were speaking about some random woman. This is awful but you and your family have to do what is best for YOU. I think you did good to put up with it this long.
Prayers and blessings to you..

She’sleavinghome, very sensible action and essential for your own health. Walk away - you are not missing anything except the abuse. The relief you feel is the beginning of taking control of the situation instead of being controlled. I wish you well for the future and say well done to you for taking this first big step. Things won’t be easy and you will have moments of doubt about whether you have done the right thing, but focus on a future that is positive for you, and leave the abusers to each other. I was the focus of my stepmother’s anger, fury and abuse when my father died last year. At one point in the run up to his funeral, when she was lashing out at me big time, and I was on my knees and close to a nervous collapse, I vowed I would cut all ties and never see her again after the funeral. It was this thought that kept me from going under, and sure enough I distanced myself from her afterwards and it was one of the best and essential things I have ever done. She told my husband that I would have to speak to her at some point when he asked her to give me some space, but I thought, no, I don’t have to do anything you say, at all, ever again. She just doesn’t get this, and never will, but that’s her problem, not mine.

Cgracie007

My situation is a little different but I can relate. I left today and decided I will not see my dad and sister again. My mother passed away a year ago and my dad has been a harsh, angry, alcoholic since. My sister recently moved in with him and they get drunk together every day. I have taken care of everything financial, bills, settling estate, etc. for my 80 year old dad for the past year (it was necessary as he is not capable) and he now sees me as my mother. He’s projecting all of his anger for her at me. We’ve had what I thought was a close relationship for the past 10 years, but now I’m being bullied because I’m the responsible one who reminds him of my mother? And my manipulative narcissistic sister saw this as an opportunity to drive a wedge between us. He had become progressively more verbally abusive over the last year but I figured that was the grief so I tolerated it, but when he became physically threatening towards me, I had it. As mentioned, I left today, for good. It was such a relief and just one day away is very healing already. I’m just now realizing that man in that house ceased being my father a year ago, and what remains is a monster. As for my sister, she’s always been that way. I hope they are both very happy together. They can drink themselves into oblivion daily for all I care. I’m done, but I know it was the healthiest action to take. I wish you well in your own health, and hope you also find relief and freedom when you remove that toxicity from your life. Trust in your good friends, and leave toxic family behind.

I stumbled across this sight looking for help and I know exactly how you feel. I moved home last year after A long battle with cancer and continued health issues. It was supposed to help me get back on my feet and start over. I now find myself even worse off because of the toxic environment. My father is a narcissist alcoholic and my mother is a passive aggressive martyr. COVID has only magnified the issues. They refuse to stay home unless necessary, they pick fights and criticize and threaten. And to on top of it my father drinks and drives and my mother enables the behavior with every excuse in the book. And anything I say Im the a$$hole and now being forced to leave for my own mental health as well as physical. They smoke around me and don’t care I’m at higher risk because of health issues for Covid complications. I have celiac disease and my father thinks it’s fake. They truly are horrible people yet I’m the one that feels guilty and alienated. It’s starting to cause resentment towards my brother because he is of little assistance with any of it. I feel very alone and sad as once I move out I’m never coming back and knowing I basically have no family is
very depressing. Seeing all these comments is sad but at least I’m not alone. But it also makes me think shy so many people who had no business pro-creating gave birth.

Marilyn430,

Why did you bring a toxic mom to your home? I hope her influence on your child has not been very toxic? I know this is the wrong question to ask now, but I was wondering why.

Especially today I am feeling just like you. I feel trapped since I have been working from home 4 days a week. I can't take it anymore. I love my mom but she is toxic. I know it is because of her childhood and just has continued throughout her life but I am paying for it. She has lived with us for the past 16 years. She moved in to help care for my one and only child. He is now 18 and she is still here. She has been on various waitlists for housing. I am glad I am not alone in this and that I can vent here.

I feel bad for you but I have to tell you that reading your post brought tears to my eyes because my mother is exactly like yours and I feel exactly like you do. I thought I was all alone. I guess that's why we're here. I don't have any answers just solidarity.

helenb63, I think there is an element of controlling behaviour going on here. It sounds from what you say that she hasn’t been happy with any dentist she’s had, so she’s probably running out of options for new dentists, and many won’t be taking in new patients during the virus situation anyway. I would present her with two clear options: she goes to her new dentist to get the problem sorted or she puts up with the problem and has no treatment. You can’t keep backtracking when she keeps changing her mind, and the old dentists won’t be too keen to have someone back who has already removed themselves and gone to a competitor. Keep the options simple, two choices only, and let her decide.

When my mother moved to live near us we registered her with a dentist we thought was easy for a person who won't try to walk to get to, but she didn't like the treatment she got there and complained about the access anyway - we live in a town with mostly old buildings - so last year we tried another one with a flatter entrance way. Now she says a tooth (which had a partial root removal by the first man) is bleeding but she doesn't want to go back to the new place, seemingly because the hygienist took an hour on her first visit. She says she wants to go back to the first one. Trouble is, I wrote to them saying she wouldn't be coming back because of the difficult access. I really should have known better! I don't know what to do now - nothing is my preferred option, but if the tooth really is causing pain and trouble I guess that's not an option. I'd like to tell her to sort it out herself as none of the dentists we tried have suited her, but that would provoke a storm.

I so enjoyed lockdown when I didn't have to deal with anything like this...

I have to reply because I feel like my adult daughter hates me. I am far from perfect. I have made mistakes. But I also feel like my daughter is wrong in the way she treats me. My daughter is 35 years old and has lived with me for 5 years. She has a 9 year old daughter who also Iives here. The problem: my daughter thinks I should allow her boyfriend to live here too. This is the 2nd one. She moved him in after i repeatedly said no. After 4 months I started charging him weekly rent. After 1 month he stopped paying and sexually harrassed me. I told him to leave. He left and promised not to return. But he keeps coming back. I've called police twice. They say he is daughter's guest and they can't make him leave. I've been told I have to evict her. She blames me for everything. I'm hurt and cannot control who comes in my house.

- just noticed this was posted in 2011!! Oh my - wonder if we'll hear an update

I feel for all of you who have such a difficult time caring for your elderly parents.... I’m a caregiver for my mom 24/7 it’s not easy as you all
know.... my mom has major dementia but is a true blessing to me.... she is pleasant which I am very thankful.... I am very tired most of the time... not complaining as my mom and I have been very close all my life.... I am very thankful and blessed to have found this site... I have been and continue to be well educated by all of you on this site... Thank you and God Bless all of you always....

Hi
I am so sorry about your situation-I think you should put your children first and not let her ruin any more precious times you have together-Come up with a new plan for holidays so that she can’t ruin your time with your children-they may start avoiding coming over to your house because of mean grandma and that you do not want or deserve
it is so unhealthy to be around such a nasty person -don’t feel guilty!!

Omg....I am so sorry and totally understand how you feel. I struggle with my feelings of disdain towards my mom as well. I am her caregiver and she treats me like a child.. and I am 65 years old... a senior citizen myself!!!! (She is 94.) She is Negative and hateful, always defaulting to see everything and everybody in the worst way...she looks at me with such judgmental eyes...it’s so hard to deal with...So not fair!!!
My heart goes out to you in so many ways. I guess you either have to be the bigger person or decide that the agony she puts you through is too much and wash your hands of her. I struggle as you do. But one thing I have learned from my mom is how NOT to be and I have vowed that I will never treat MY daughter the same way and that I will cherish my daughter in every way I can, overlooking the “small stuff” and instead focusing on everything that is wonderful about her. I have learned to be as generous as I can be with her (My mom is very tight with her money.... as if she’s going to be taking it with her when she dies), I have learned to compliment my daughter for her accomplishments, and to make sure she notices how much I love her.....In other words, I treat my daughter the way I wish my mom treated me....If you choose to carry on as you are with your mom, I guess all you can do is vow to make sure none of her “rubs off” on you or your kids. Stay strong!

Amylee, my mother is the same way. She is a 96 year old hoarder who lives alone. I’m done trying to throw anything out. She just screams if I do. I gave up doing that years ago. Don’t clean her home. She will just start hoarding again anyway. I am so very sorry about he death of your daughter. My heart breaks for you. Help yourself, not your Mother.

Im an only child, my mother 81 is and always has been a hoarder. I’ve just cleaned her home again. Unbearable mess. No appreciation, no nothing. My daughter passed O6/07/2020 with a heart condition. 28. During this time I still took care of my mother after a hip surgery. She hates me for throwing her rotten food away from her freezer. No, she has not even called to check on me. It’s very sad. Toxic, and I’m sorry for anyone who deals with this emotional suicide.

I've posted here about my dad who died in 2017. No we are dealing with my mother who has hallucinations delusions and angry outbursts. She is staying with my brother who doesn't treat her very nicely he's very impatient and doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with not answering her questions and just telling her to go away or say uh huh in a rapid-fire way just to get rid of her. Will someone confirm that having an elder in an environment like that can trigger the elder and should be angry and have mood swings. That is my guess as to what is happening. Evidently she started calling my brother a piece of s***. She has not yet been diagnosed. She finally went to a neurologist who did the testing that they do with the questions and physical movement and stuff like that I don't know what it's called. To get an actual diagnosis she needs a simple brain scan and a blood draw as requested by the neurologist. Right away she refused to go back and she felt insulted the next day after the neurologist appointment. A lot of anger to that she doesn't want a brain scan and they only want to do it to make money off of her. It's critical we get the brain scan in the blood work so that we can get a diagnosis and then find out what kind of help we can get from insurance in terms of companion care or caregiving. She has to do a fast the night before the blood draw and I'm just crossing my finger that she will comply. The brother that she is staying with now flew her out here to California from Ohio because she started having a combative relationship with our other brother that was staying with her in Ohio. Bringing her out here in California has had its problems. I thought my brother had a two-bedroom apartment but he only has a one bedroom so she sleeps on his bed and then he sleeps on the floor in the living room which is pretty crazy. there's no good way for her to go down the stairs and get outside to get some air as the street he lives on his very busy with traffic. You know what I'm rambling right now I'm going to end this post by saying that we are on the verge of getting a diagnosis and I'm crossing my fingers that she's going to comply with the fasting for the blood test. Any comments a questions or suggestions are very much appreciated. I think of you all of you out there that are struggling with elderly parents and I just remember that I'm not alone I'm not the only one that has these problems. Susan

Hi all, I haven’t posted for a while but as I read through the various posts over the past few months I’m really struck by how much guilt everyone seems to feel for their mothers’ actions and behaviour. For decades I too was the same and it took counselling and CBT to give me permission to turn away from bad behaviour and abuse. I would say to everyone: it is NOT your fault that your mother behaves badly, you are NOT worthless or any of the other horrible things they may say about you, you ARE entitled to a life without abuse and you ARE entitled to your own space and freedoms. During the coronavirus lockdown I’ve spent most of my time making sure my family are safe, healthy and fed, and this extends to my mother too. She has still found time to complain about things and about not being able to go to the shops despite wanting for nothing, lashing out at me as if it was my fault about the virus! I know that nothing I ever do will be enough, but I have learned to accept that, to do as much as I feel happy to do and to be kind to myself during these anxious times (one of the legacies of a toxic mother is anxiety and worry). Please stay safe everyone and put yourselves a little higher up in your priorities.