My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

honoring your parents does not mean being their slaves or that you must be their personal caregiver, particularly if they abused you. Please see a therapist to deal with this guilt. You've done nothing wrong.

This post is from March, 2011.
Is the OP still with us?

A wise Golden23 said:
" I think it is responded to fairly regularly because this theme strikes a note with a number of people who come to this site and are struggling with a mother who has been difficult all their lives. It makes care giving so much harder. It is relevant for them."

So this thread lives on. Doubt that the poster, Treading Water is still around?

My relationship with mom was always on the cruel side. I am child number 5 out of six. Our home was always dysfunctional, and my mom treated some of us like gold and others like s**t. I was always there for my mom, and looking back I think I was devoted to her because I was desperate for her approval. She never really showed love to me, and often scapegoated and criticized me. When she was diagnosed with dementia she was put into a home. Prior to dementia she always told me I was a rotten and controlling person and she could never live with me. When she went into care she kept asking why I put her in there. My answer was because I was a rotten and controlling person and she could never live with me. Through this journey though I developed true empathy for my mom, and realized she must have been unhappy and insecure. If she was happy and secure she would have never been so down right cruel and mean. I keep in touch with her now a days, and due to her dementia our visits are usually happy and positive. I totally forgive her now for how she treated me, and I am able to see aspects of her personality that are quite enjoyable.
I can't change the past, and I accept that now. I don't carry around any what "If"s anymore. My mom is who she is, and unfortunately was never brave enough to take a deep look into her behaviour and make positive changes that would have improved her life and those that loved her.

I’m finally realizing my mothers mental illness is not my fault and never was my fault. My therapist told me this over and over again. For awhile they were just words. Now, I finally believe those words. It finally sunk in to my whole being, my heart and soul and who I am. I finally BELIEVE it!!!

I am 56, my mom is 91 just had heart surgery.
In the last 2-3 years I cannot stand her anymore.
She repressed me and my sister for decades. She's only cared about how she looks with strangers and repeats over and over again what a moral and a saint she is. And how people love her!
Her mantra is that everyone should be like her: the world would be better.
She has despised my father since she met him at 19. Still married he passed away few years ago. He was completely subdued to her. She still claims violent acts she allegedly received from him; we never saw anything!
She is still bashing him over and over. I am not kidding. She just repeats how bad my dad's family is and when she wants to offend she says I have his last name: I belong to "that race". She is afraid of dying and meet him again.
When kids we begged her to divorce!!!!! 
It was a nightmare. She would lock herself in a room for up to a month. I was 8-9 years old. I later found she wrote a flood of insults to me, my dad and my sister. I read them at that age and I remember I could not understand what we did wrong! But I managed to brush it off, a little.
About 20 years ago she kicked my sister (31!) out of the house and refused to see her because she felt betrayed as she was dating a married (later divorced) man (my sister is still with him). My sister was sinner. But most of all she "provided pain to her". She staged a suicide. She stayed undressed in the front yard in a cold night waiting to die: a scene.
She would listen to phone calls, and do every thing she can to dominate us.
She is an hypocrite: she kept us separated from my dad's family (aunt, uncles, cousins) as she considered them a "bad race". After my dad died my cousin (nice person) called me and wanted to meet me as I was in their country.
She started to scream at me while I was on the phone. I was embarrassed as we spent all our lives hiding it from the public (I never had friends over because of this). However if they call her she is all nice, kind and happy. She has a double personality!
MY MOM RAISED HELL when I was on the phone with my cousin. She went to my little daughter, grabbed her by her arm in order to make sure she would get her attention to tell her her dad (me) is a criminal. She actually said "criminal". Luckily my daughter does not speak her language. But the point is that she tried to undermine my relationship as a father (and her son) with my young daughter. This is appalling!
I am having more and more bursting of rage. 
Every time I hear her on the phone: she would not listen and repeat what a saint she is. She asks about us but never listen to my answer.
She also has a weird relationship with "suffering/pain". To her this is the most valued virtue in life. If we get sick she changes and becomes somewhat normal.
I have sometime to exaggerate our conditions to calm her down and get her more normal. On the other hand if we are happy we are sinners. We cannot go on vacation and be happy and have a good time: to her it is a sin! She would start her tirade of how bad it is for us and I should stop it.
I believe she has suffered from bipolar disorder if not maniac depression at least.
Try to tell her to go to a pshychiatric she would kill you: she is perfect!
My mother is still telling me how I have to behave.
She had heart surgery and because she is feeling a little better (she gained energy to bash) she started again.
I had a rage reaction, never happened before. I never reacted -EVER and this caused me frustration. I screamed on the phone (I live in another country). My sister got upset with me. I feel bad!
But she is eroding my last thread of patience.
I cannot handle it anymore but the end of this problem is that when I calm down I feel guilty.
In all of these years my mind learned to forget. I actually forget the countless events and my wife says it is a copying mechanism: my wife sometimes has to remind me the "events" she witnessed and I actually removed.
I cannot go on like this.

My mom literally treated me horribly with verbal abuse for years that took down my self-worth. When I got engaged, all she said was, "Don't lose your identity." She wanted me out of the house as soon as I graduated from college, and never let up on me until I left. Now my dad is in heart failure at home in a hospice situation, and she calls needing things, but won't listen to any of my recommendations. I have all this anger towards her that I can't get over, and I'm afraid I'm not being patient or understanding with her on the phone. (Thankfully, I live in a neighboring state) I understand the confusion of feelings, trust me.

I feel so much for all of you who are receiving this hateful treatment from your mothers. I too am suffering coping with my mother’s narcissistic personality. With mine it’s like a pendulum that swings from loving to maniacal meanness. From one hour to the next, I don’t know what version of a mother I will get.
Tbw777, I too hope that God will help me, and us all, out of this hell. Then I read Csuszka, whose mother is 100, and I think I can’t put up with 27 more years of this if mine lives to 100! And for all her complaining of excruciating pain and various medical conditions, I can’t believe that she still has the energy to be this mean and demanding. She will outlive all of us, I say!

I realize, it is easier said than done, Sunflower1967, but don't let her outlive you. Find somewhere else she can live even if she doesn't like it. If she outlives you, then she will have no one to advocate for her when she is medically super bad off. Try to take care of yourself. You deserve it and are the only one who will.

I have read so many heart breaking comments, here. My Mother was "difficult" all of my life. I stood up to her, once, in my life, as an adult. She was not loving and caring toward my little son. But, now, I realize that she was mentally ill. Before she passed away, she developed dementia. It was very sad. I treated my Mom with respect, most of my life. Now that she's gone, I miss her, terribly. God tells us to "honor our Mother and Father." I believe we should be thankful that, no matter how badly they treated us, they brought us into this world. And life is truly what we make it. You don't have to be a "door mat" to your parents. But I believe, once that have passed away, you will not have any regrets, if you treat them in a firm manner and with respect.

NotHappyRob; I hope that with some therapy, you can come to realize that your mom is mentally ill and in need of care by others, not by the children she abused.

You did not deserve thjs mistreatment and you did nothing to cause it. Likely, your mother was abused as a child and has passed along that "gift".

Break the cycle. Go to therapy.

NotHappyRob, you have to believe all of us when we tell you that your mother's mental illness, IS NOT YOUR FAULT and it never was!!! Ever!! You didn't cause it and you can't cure it!! She needs help. If she refuses help, then please get help for yourself. Please see a therapist for YOU. You can't change your mother. I finally realize this. I am 58 years old and my Mother is 96 years old and I FINALLY realize that her mental illness is not my fault. We should have been told as children that our mother's mental illness was NOT our fault. But that didn't happen. But I am here to tell you now that it is NOT your fault. Step away from your mother. Lead your own life. Break the cycle. NOW!!

You’re not alone. I’m still trying to heal from moving to another state into my mom’s apartment to assist her. She was a hurt angry person from childhood. Recently she was diagnosed with bipolar. Long story short she didn’t want me living with her after she insisted she wanted my help. She called the police on me, Locked me out of her apartment and I ended up homeless and trying to start over at 61. Stop the guilt, she is probably in her home with a smile on her face. Accept that she more than likely has a mental disorder that you are not equipped to handle. I‘m assuming you were abused by her as a child...Anyway I love my mother from a distance (sending cards and letters), I feel physically ill when I verbally communicate with her so I’m asking the Lord to strengthen me. Take care of your mental health first and when you are stronger you may choose to talk with her or not... but lead with self love first and forgives not forgetting....STOP THE GUILT... SHE IS YOUR MOM BUT NO LONGER YOUR ABUSER. RESPECT HER FROM A DISTANCE...I don’t wish you any ill but its sort of comforting to know I’m not alone in my feelings ✌🏾✌🏾God bless..

Hi NotHappyRob....I first posted here back in late Feb 2020. I never realized how many people suffer from the same abusive treatment from their elderly mothers. It's incredibly sad & painful. We all feel your pain & have great sympathy for you. We walk in your shoes. I had a huge "Rage Reaction" on 02/24/2020. I'll never forget it. It was my son's 35th Birthday. It happened in my car...driving on a busy freeway...at night. It was horrible. I don't know how I got home in that mental state. I didn't talk to her for 8 weeks. I thought then that she had changed. She has undiagnosed mental issues...my sister & I are certain. She's 85...nothing will change her. She just went off on my terribly on 09/11...over something I wasn't even involved with ! I truly have been this woman's target my whole life...& I'm 58 yrs old !!

I feel like I need to cut ties completely now. She's a passive/aggressive manipulator & tries to ruin everything that she knows would bring pleasure to another person...doesn't matter what it is. This behavior has a huge effect on me. It's TRAUMATIC ! You too have been traumatized...we all have...& I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Cut ties with her...if it's at all possible. You & your immediate family deserve better. Life is not supposed to be this way. Guilt destroys so much...we all must let it go. There will be better days ahead. Your mother deserves to feel some of the pain she's dumped on you.

Stay Strong...this too shall end. You have many more wonderful years left to live...free of her!

I'm in shock. My brother bought me airfare to go stay with my mom for a month. She is alone and she is hallucinating. And she now refuses to take the Seroquel that helps her sleep and makes her seem more like her old self. Paranoia crept in. She doesn't like that me and two of my brothers are trying to get her to take her medication and see doctors to finish her dementia evaluatiom. Our oldest brother lives near her and visits her daily and he really doesn't interact in any way with meds and docs and such. He's limited in his ability. She hates doctors. She has 50 bottles of supplements and she will take whichever ones are needed for the health issue of the day or the week. So right now our oldest brother is her favorite child. She left me a voicemail this morning that was very hurtful and struck me to my core. She doesn't want me going to stay with her and she told me that she doesn't like my company and that it would make her sick and it would kill her if she had to wake up in the morning and see me sitting across the table from her. She said I'm hard to get along with. I think she said she hates me. She said she knows what I want. I don't know what that means. It means either I want her money or I want to drug her and kill her. I know darn well that this was partly her dementia talking. But I've given up now on helping her. I want nothing to do with her. I don't give a shite about what is or isn't the dementia when she talks to me. I have a jitterbug smart phone that doesn't let you block calls so I am going to go out and buy a phone that allows numbers to be blocked and I will block her. She was my perpetrator when I was a child. She parentified me. Good bye Mom. I'm done. It's over. I'm through. Now it's time for me to take care of me and make the best life for myself that I can.

I've just read a bunch of posts and even an old one of mine. I can relate so much to so many of the things that you all are sharing about. It's uncanny, the similarities. This format is not set up very well to reply to one individual; as I read your messages I wanted to send each of you a reply but I couldn't. So I'll just finish by saying that it really really is frustrating when you have empathy in your heart and love for a parent but they can't take it, they can't receive love anymore or they never were able to in the first place. Or they are so stuck in attack mode then it makes it impossible to love them. Love yourselves. I will try my best to love myself. I deserve love. I will keep your stories in mind as I go through my days and draw strength from them. Blessings to you all.

I feel your pain. My mom lives with my husband and I. We have no children, but she has basically done the same thing to my sister and I. Now she thinks demons are attacking her and there is no reasoning with her. My sister lives 60 miles from us and has her own health issues. I will pray for all of us going through this with our parents. It is so difficult, but we have to remain strong. God bless you and your family.

I wonder what else our enraged mothers have in common:

1. My mother never had friends. I grew up with no role model for friendship. No role model for getting to know, trust, and enjoy people and their companionship.

2. Except for when I was a child my mother wasn't one to hug, caress with love or open her arms and pull you in when she could tell you needed it.

3. My Mom was always adverse to my Dad's occasional playful physical advances. This is not something my dad did on a daily basis not was it abusive or threatening but it was the the normal kind of moment that happens between spouses.

4. Whenever we were watching TV and there was a love scene that involve physical contact or sex my mother would get visibly disgusted and change the channel

5. My mother used to hold court with all of us children and talk about my father and his parents and the rest of his family behind his back. She ridiculed his parents his brother his brother's wife etc. And it wasn't just ridicule but she would share how much she hated my father and his family. These same conversations would happen over and over. And we children would learn how to take delight in putting down my father and his family

5. My mother tended to hate women more than men so it was easy to see that she could never have girlfriends.

6. My mother's strong emotions going way back when she was younger or always right under the surface. For example she would be talking to me about my older brother and then some detail about how the in-laws treated her would slip into the conversation and before you knew it she was extremely upset and crying about the vulnerability of my brother as an infant. I wonder if that state of having those emotions almost on the surface all the time is a symptom of a mental illness perhaps like borderline personality disorder.

7. My mother's perception and portrayal of herself as a victim was endless and little vignettes on how so and so or whichever person did her bad were repeated over and over and over.

8. My mother used me by confiding in me about things that my dad did to her that were abusive. She told me when I was 9 or 10 that my dad insisted on having sex with her, that it was his marital right. She parentized me.

9. My friends from high school, what few friends I had and turned out to be false friends used to tell me that they didn't think that my mom liked them. the reason being that when they would call my house to talk to me and my mom answered the phone she was angry and unkind to them.

10. My mother totally missed out on the women's movement in the 70s.

Serenity2018 I hope you can find some relief. Your situation with your mom sounds really difficult. Are you able to get away for a day for a break from her or maybe hire a babysitter (companion care person)?

I see this was submitted yrs ago but I’ll reply anyway...

I hear you & you’re not alone. Living with a narcissistic person is crazy making. Then you add Dementia & guilt & your own needs & you have a very bad recipe for being unwell in so many ways. If I hear you right you’re saying that it’s these specific words that are getting to you the most. Again, you’re NOT alone. I know what you’re going through & how it feels to add gramma to the list of ANY event.

First, you can’t please a narcissist, never ever. If that was happening before dementia it sounds like you need to give yourself permission to unplug from the guilt that was either laid on you, or any self-imposed “false” guilt.

Second, the Assisted Living facility sounds like it might finally give you the needed breaks YOU need, (& it’s normal to have needs of your own, in case you forgot that). Let that facility do what they’re paid to do. They’ll tell you if & when It’s time to step in. Why not try establishing firm boundaries with mom like, 1) “I will visit you for 45 minutes on Sundays & Thursdays”, or whatever. And then stick to it like glue. Mom will complain because it’s what narcissists do, & then she has Dementia & it sounds like she may have not had to practice boundaries? And, 2) Why not give your family the gift of a “gramma-free” (& guilt-free) Christmas. Maybe you & family can record a special video message to gramma & you, or another family member, can deliver it to her. Explain kindly & simply that plans have changed this year & that’s what you must do. Period. There’s no reasoning. None of this means you don’t care for or love mom, it means you are putting your needs & those of your family first this year. She will be taken care of.

I wish you luck in implementing your new boundary strategies. And finding some health.

Totally agree with all that's been said here, and I'd just like to again say that it is so important to think about and acknowledge your own needs, especially in these worrying times. Years of conditioning from a selfish person can make you lose sight of this, always putting another's needs and wants before your own, and wondering why you are always so tired, worn out, ill....

It’s terrible to have a mean elderly mother. My mother is a narcissist, always the Queen, cheap, and abusive.

I am the youngest of 10, but in a blended family. Four on each side from the first marriages then me and my older sister with them together.

they are hoarders. mainly from my mother‘s side. I believe she could not let go of her own horrible parents dying and absorbed all of their junk.

now they are at the point of not being able to continue to live in their house and it is going up for sale as soon as we clear it out. they will be living with my full sister above me.

the older siblings on my moms side are manipulative and greedy. My father (not their dad) paid for our home and always took care of us, including my moms first kids- to the point he paid for their college. Their own father is a cheap millionaire.

Now that the house is going onto the market the half siblings are chomping at the bit for their cut. Dad is worn down from mom all these years and Doesn’t want to fight any more. Mom thinks her first four and us two are the only ones that matter in their estate. She doesn’t like my dads other four and refuses to acknowledge their fair claim.

moms first four are cheap, too. They have pressed us two about our “angle” with “mom’s estate.” The one our father paid for. He is the loving kind Generous one. At this point I am feeling hatred towards her because she’s always the victim and always wants to be right and seems to care only for herself. She also beat the h*ll out of us as kids. Dad didn’t. I love my dad so much. I Wish mom would go first so dad could be free. and then the older half siblings would be SOL. Lol

also I have been here near them for 10 years. The rest of the family doesn’t even live in the same state. I’ve been to the hospital with them and Spent holidays with them and shared my own kids with them and the rest haven’t been around at all, except the one older than me. Yet my mother says that all her children are seen fairly in her eyes. Just today she reminded me of the prodigal son story which really hurt to hear. I guess I’ve wasted my time caring for a narcissist. But it was because I care so much for my dad I didn’t want to leave him. My mother just plain sucks.

I am 60 as well and I left a career making $130,000 per year to HELP take care of Mom. She doesn't want my help. She doesn't appreciate anything I do for her. She demands it. She is mean like so many Mom's. I'm sick of it. I can't take any more of being around her. She talks about everyone. I get anxiety when in her company, or even talking to her on the phone, so Treadingwater...I can relate. Know you are not alone! At least your Mom is in assisted living being cared for. Mine is going to "die in her own house", she reminds me often. That means, if I dont go there the d*** is on me! So I lose either way. She is either disappointed with me or I am disappointed in myself. Stay strong and worry about you first.

Well I have an elderly mentally ill mother who is a hoarder and has a gambling addiction. I didn't know it was possible for someone to be soo negative she has torn our family to shreds im at the point where if i never see her again that would be fine with me. She is very manipulative,a lier, complainer i can go on for days! But the crazy thing about her she has alot of people fooled into thinking that she is this sweet old lady. She plays the victim perfectly. So everyone feels sorry for her. She has caused so much mental damage to me that i might not ever recover from.

This is perhaps the saddest thread on here. Wishing all of you the very best.

My caregiver days are over but I had it rough too. I can relate.

I am living this life!! My mom is making me feel like I am going crazy. I am so depressed and she is literally sucking all of my energy out of me. My kid's will not come over and visit. I feel uncomfortable in my own home, but yet she can put on this sweet little old lady act in front of other people. She lies to her doctors, friends, family and will blow up if called pout. We have always had a rocky relationship, me being her "problem child". I am so exhausted. She is so mean and nasty to me and it has become more frequent. I am in therapy and am trying to self care as much as possible, but when do I say enough is enough. I'm running out of tears!!

Hugs, cdelgado. 💕

Welll, well, well. Aren't we all in the same boat. 4 and 1/2 years of all this sh** plus a lifetime of agony from a narc mother who thinks everything (my siblings and i) should revolve around her. I've been punched - kicked - poked and prodded - but nothing was her fault. I have an attitude problem apparently (that means sticking up for yourself). I am 60 years of age and she still expects me to "kow tow" to her lifelong bullying. End of tether - what now. Insists on staying in her own home - but expects everyone else to do all the "f***ing crap" that goes with it regardless of having a life of our own. Xxx

Ah, yes. The guilt. It almost drove me insane -- the back and forth between being hurt (and angered) by my mother, and then trying to be compassionate towards her (her condition, her miserable life). I finally stopped! To save myself. She's in an independent senior facility and so I'm just waiting for the call to tell me it is finally over. That's all I have left. Waiting for her demise. I've been sad, I've been in therapy, I've been through ALL the emotions and I'm tired. Tired of trying one more time "because she's my mother." Only people with mothers like ours can understand -- because everyone else seems to judge me, so there's no one I can talk to about this very painful situation. It's a lot. Your post let me know I'm not alone. Thank you.

I am living this right now. I totally lost my mind today and had a breakdown. My mother is terrible to deal with. I am losing days at work (self-employed, don't work, no money). She doesn't seem to care about me at all, just herself. I have hired cleaners, caregivers, arranged rides, take her to all medical visits, buy all her groceries, pay all her bills and she gives me absolutely no regard. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. My daughter and I visited last week. She said exactly 4 words to my daughter, "how are you" and then "bye" when we left. If the attention isn't on her, she's not interested. She's cheap as hell, and has plenty of money. This is nothing new, really, if I think about it. She's been like this her whole life. She did nothing for her children, absolutely nothing, but expects me to do everything for her. I've had her tested for everything you can imagine, and she comes back with a clean bill of health. There is nothing wrong with her. She complains about everything. I am a sucker, a doormat and only I can make a change. I feel for all of you going through this. I have zero guilt though. I've done all I can for a person who is not willing to help herself at all.

Welcome to the saddest club in the world - children of selfish/narcissistic parents. A common theme running through many of these posts on this thread is the feeling that you are alone, and the only member of this club. Sadly the reality is that there are many thousands of us. Also common is the confusion, exhaustion, anxiety and depression that comes with a lifetime of trying and failing to make sense of why a parent would want to treat their own child in this way. This really is a pointless exercise - they are unlikely to ever change. I’ve found after many many years of struggling that it is better to focus your energies on understanding your own needs (these have often been lost after years of being ignored or dismissed as unimportant) and identifying those aspects of parental selfishness that cause you the most upset. It is not easy, and is a slow process that may be met with much resistance and further poor behaviour, but rebalancing your life to increase the care you give yourself is so important for your own good health. Setting limits on the amount of “running around” you do after your selfish parent helps to free up some of your time, so that you can care for yourself or do some activities that give you pleasure (if you can remember what they once were). If the rages and bad mouthing start, walk away for your own sanity and well being. I find that having rebalanced my life in this way a few years ago, I have a little more energy and have re connected with some hobbies that give me pleasure. I weathered the parental rages that followed, but stayed firm about what I needed to do. But this process of finding a balance requires constant vigilance. My mother continues to try and find “ways in” to getting me to do unnecessary things for her and to load the burden of responsibility on to me for anything she doesn’t want to do for herself. The difference now is that I can see this manipulation as soon as it starts and can say no before it escalates. To everyone out there in the same situation, you have my sympathy, you are not alone, it is not your fault your parent is so selfish, your health and wellbeing are important, and you are entitled to a life of your own. Hugs and support to those struggling.