My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

You aren’t alone. All of mylife I didn’t realize how selfish and narcissistic my mother was. After my father passed away she became so openly mean and rude. I have now held by the NO contact rule. It is an ongoing process and becomes a bit easier as the years go by. I truly believe she will never contact me to show any sorrow or empathy. Actually if she were to contact me I would probably become ill all over again as it has taken much labor to rid myself of her destructive behavior. Again you are not alone. Stay strong and take care of yourself and your family.

I'm so lucky because my Mom is the sweetest person ever, and so was my Dad when he was still here. Now that she has dementia, she has said some pretty hurtful things about me. So unlike her. I can't imagine what it's like to have the opposite kind of parent when I was growing up. With that being said, some people just aren't that nice, even to their own children. And it is what it is. Please don't let another person dominate your life, even if it is your parent. Especially when they don't have your best interest at heart. Put your children, and yourself, first. Some people just aren't willing to do that. My grandmother was like the person you describe. I loved her dearly, and learned just to accept her for who and what she was. I get it that it's not the same thing. But please, guilt has no helpful place in this situation. You can't make another person happy. That comes from within. It's so difficult to let go. But, maybe keep your contact to a bearable level for you? Sounds like she's well taken care of where she is. Do what you feel your need to do, but maybe without suffering yourself.

I have been stalking this thread for the last four months after finding it randomly while typing in phrases that describe my mom like “nasty, miserable, depressed, hateful, etc.” This thread was started in 2011 and people have been commenting on it every few weeks or months for the past 9 years. That in itself is comforting to know that I am not alone and there are so many people dealing with the same or similar issue. In fact, I swear some of these posts (I have now read almost all of them) sound like they could have been written by me or my sister. My mom has been a black could over my life since the day my dad was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago (he died within a year). I always saw how selfish my mom could be and for lack of better words, she just always acted like a spoiled brat. I never realized how much my dad buffered her from my sister and I until he got sick. Then we saw what happens when she doesn’t get enough attention and how she didn’t expect to be responsible for anything, even her own needs. Fast forward to now. She is an absolute nightmare and has been since my dad died. She is now in her third AL in three years after we relented and let her go back home after a short stay in the first one. All of them have been wonderful but she cries, complains and pitches a fit until we agree to let her go somewhere else because she always hates wherever she is-even her own home after a while. She promised that this last move three weeks ago was going to make her happy (we knew better). She now has a large living room, a kitchenette, a huge bathroom, a private patio and most importantly for her, a washer and dryer. It took my sister and I fourteen hours to move her in. We finished at 11pm. By 8am the next morning she was calling raising hell about the place. She hated it and wished she had never found it. She literally called my sister and I at least 4 times each day screaming and crying about the craziest stuff. We got her the wrong toilet paper and it isn’t soft enough, she can’t find this or that, the dining room is too far to walk to (about 50 yards), she has to wait too long for the water to get hot in the shower, they don’t pick up her trash enough, neither her cell phone (3rd flip phone in a year) or land line work (she leaves it off the hook)-  just on and on. I finally told her last week that I didn’t want to see or talk to her (took these ten years to finally do it). Shortly after my sister did too but mom still calls 3 or four times a day with constant nastiness and complaining. We always let it go to voicemail and don’t call her back but that doesn’t seem to make it any better. We keep in touch with the AL staff just to make sure none of her “problems” are actually serious. They never are. She has been there three weeks and my sister and I have emailed or called the AL at least six times in that period. I am terrified that the AL is going to get sick of her and kick her out. Every time the phone rings I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. I can’t tell which is worse, going no contact (it has only been a week) with the fear that she is bothering someone else or putting up with her nastiness to somewhat appease her and just knowing that at least I don’t have to live with her. And to that point I feel so sorry for all of the people on here that have to take these nasty people into their homes. I would probably be in jail if I had to do that. While I typed this, my sister emailed me that my mom has left her the third message of the day screaming about something she has run out of and “desperately needs.” Thanks to all who continue to share.

worndown, OMG you could almost be writing my story. My mom is also a dark cloud over my life and has been for an extended amount of time. I too did not realize how much my dad buffered her behavior and attitude from me and others. He got dementia (I honestly think she drove him to it!!) and had to be placed in a memory care facility two years ago because she refused to care for him. The last two years she has become an incessant child, always demanding I drop what I'm doing to meet her needs. It's horrible and until she's gone my life is ON HOLD. And that's the plain truth.

Upstream, it is amazing that so many of these posts are so similar, almost as if they are talking about the same person. Sorry to hear about your dad and the situation. When my dad was sick it was awful but of course it was made entirely worse by all the tantrums my mom threw and her not wanting to be responsible for my dad or herself during that time. I feel the same way and really do feel guilty about it but the only way I ever see getting any relief is when she is gone. Hang in there!

worndown - reading your comments - my heart breaks. Why do you put up with it? She is in a nice assisted living. How about not taking her calls or starting to pace your visits? She is abusing you .

worndown, my mom's behavior at my dad's care facility has been so bad I have received phone calls from staff. She drops the F-bomb there and even yells at my dad to F-off and shut up, stuff like that. Then she expects sympathy....

It seems to me there is a lot of pressure on daughters to drop our careers and lives for this, to the point of ruin. My husband's siblings are all boys, his dad is alone and his dad says he knows his boys are busy with their own lives and careers and he takes care of himself....

Kimber, I guess I just felt that as the older sibling it is my responsibility to manage her and try to prevent the behavior that Upstream is talking about or at least shield it from others. I have just begun to distance myself from a pure sanity standpoint. I also have a job and three small children. Also, I don't want to take away from my sister who puts up with it too, she is just a little better at stepping away than me. Upstream, that sounds very familiar. And I do see daughters getting the brunt of most of these stories but in my case....I am her son.

Reading some of your stories has helped me to feel less angry, isolated, and challenged by people who have no idea what it's like to have been raised by a hateful, miserable human being. My 89 year old mother lives with me. Like many of your stories, there was NEVER any pleasing her; she rarely showed any affection or emotions (other than anger/rage). Those who were not raised this way simply cannot fathom the hurt and degradation. She's a miserable human being and seems hell bent on making sure everyone knows and (even better) joins her in her toxic rants. It's very hard to create an emotional and logistical barrier and I'm a mental health counselor!

I currently work six days a week and have a caregiver at the house when I'm gone. She was so hateful to the caregiver last week, she left. I hate my day off because I have her following me around criticizing, complaining, demanding, blaming, deflecting, etc., etc., etc. My heart goes out to all of you who are living the same nightmare and I pray for relief and peace for all. Take care of yourselves.

CGN8485,
Life is too short to be living this way. What if you died tomorrow?
It’s time to be happy and that won’t happen with your mother there.
Run away from home!

My mother, after many, many years of being nasty, bitter, negative, overly controlling, and disrespectful, has very recently been diagnosed with mild dementia. Four years ago, I had finally had it with her abuse. It broke my heart, but I pretty much went no contact with her. I really needed to do so, as it was affecting my own mental health. Now, all of a sudden, within just the last few months, she is so pleasant, quite funny, and even joyful to be around. She is almost 77 now. I have been visiting her again and talking with her on the phone. I hope that she remains pleasant and that this is not an act. It took a looooooooooong time to heal from the abuse. I want to be in her life. Not being in her life made me feel so guilty, but, if this is an act....

DebsDaughter,

I would proceed with caution regarding contact with your Mom. It may be your Mom's dementia has softened her negativity, in which case I can see why you might be tempted to re-establish contact. Going low or no contact takes a great deal out of you, especially at first. I understand your caution, which is wise! There's no right or wrong course of action. Depending on the source of dementia, whether it's LBD, vascular, Alzheimer's whatever, the progress of the disease can be inconsistent. She may be going through a temporary phase.

Let me offer hope. She will never change. You can.

Soooo many of the mothers described here sound like carbon copies of my own. Good grief, it's like a disease that doesn't kill the host, just everyone around it! The negativity, the blaming, the abuse, the toxicity! These women are total killjoys. Love thieves. Noxious Nellies. Debbie Downers. Can you think of any more? It is soooo hard not to be bitter, to have been raised by such a miserable thing! I have to remind myself daily not to allow her negativity to define who I am. One of my favorite affirmations:

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become." Carl Jung

@CantDance,
Yes, I know, and I am in danger, having always been the one to easily forgive in the past. I know now that this just enables people, after a while, to keep being cruel. I am still forgiving of the truly repentant, though. I am also the truth teller. Truth is important to me.

My adult son said something, similar, to what you did, here. He said: "Mom, instead of thinking about the family that created you, think about the family you created." He then went on to say how much he appreciated me.

In regard to bitterness. I have been, somewhat. Especially, in response to people being angry with me for limiting contact with my mother (and, by the way, a sister, who is like my mother, on steroids, and highly toxic). However, the biggest issue for me has been the gut wrenching sadness from realizing all of this, and that I can never love them enough to fix our relationships.

Don’t have her at holidays. She has made her bed and let her lay in it. Stop feeling guilty. Where has that got you?

Let your sister take her for for the holidays. Better yet leave her in the facility. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Why should you not enjoy your children and grandchildren. Your mother is a narcissist person and will never change. You did your part. Time to enjoy whatever time you have left. It is clear that she has not learned this.

I have a friend like that which is what brought me here. I do so much for her and give her so much, yet she is so hateful. I think breaking things off with her is probably easier than for you breaking things off with your mom. I can't understand my need to help her. I'm so tired of it. I need to cut off any contact with her so I don't hear about her problems. I deserve better. I'm sure it's difficult but can you refuse to help her if she doesn't change? Let her decide if she needs help bad enough to be decent. If she desperately needs help she will have to change or live with the consequences

To "sucker": Unless you this "friend" can sit down and work things out definitely you can stop contact with her. Take care of yourself. Your "friend" sounds like a vampire and a false friend. Do you think you are co-dependent? Find out there: http://coda.org/. Be good to yourself.

I have just joined this group, and the comments I have been reading are my life. My mother has always been a nasty person and very controlling
The last couple of weeks have been the worse. It all started when my dad fell in the driveway. My mom called my son to help him up. My son called the paramedics to have him checked out, my dad refused treatment. My dad had not been feeling well for a couple of weeks, he is 87. A few days later I get a call from my mom that dad is not getting any better and can I come over to check on him. I did and he is sleeping in his chair, hardly aware of what is going on. I call the paramedics, they come and take one look at him and say you ready to go to the hospital now, same ones that helped him up. Meanwhile, my mom is in the kitchen slamming cupboard doors and yelling about how she should never have called me and she knew I was going to do this. She then made cream of wheat and was eating it while the paramedics was there.
I got to the er, didn't take my mom, she can hardly walk and has copd, she is on oxygen all the time. It is very diffulct to take her places, she can't hardly walk out to the car. Anyway my dads oxygen level was very down, and he is having prostate trouble. They took 2 liters of urine out of him and he now has a catheter
I was with him at the er until 3 in the morning, I get a call from my mom around noon, can you go to the store for me, I don't want anyone else to go but you. I was tired and frustrated and yelled at her. I know I should not have, it was like everything came out of me. She said she would drive herself to the store, she can't hardly walk she has no business driving. So I went over there and told her we needed help, I can't do it all. I take them to dr apts, go to the store, and clean, plus she is very demanding. If she calls you, she wants you to drop everything and come over. Anyway my son was there and we was telling her we can't do it all, she gets mad and kicks me out and threatens to call the cops on us. My finally sent me a text and said we might as leave we are making things worse by being there. Later I get a call from a close family friend that she was taking delight in telling people on how she run me out of the house. Actually she didn't, run us out of the house, my son and I was waiting for her to call the cops, I know that is mean, but what can I say.
This is really long, but dad was released from the hospital with oxygen and catheter. I had a nurse, therapist, social worker and home health aid set up to come in and help. I was told they didn't need any help at home, washer and dryer are in the basement. They can't go down the steps. It was all canceled, my dad has taken himself off of the oxygen. He still has the catheter, I don't know how he will get rid of that. The hospital did not recommend he go home right away but go to a nursing home for a couple of weeks to recover. So now I am back to square one.

Dear friend,
It is rare to find someone who in so many ways describes a side of life that so few understand. Your story, short as is, contains more than a plate full. Difficult as things are, you are your mom's son; Therefore this cross is yours to bear, so bear it for the sake of mercy towards her since it sounds like there is no one left to give her that. Do it in such a way where by you do not allow the suffering to go beyond you. In other words try and absorb as much as you can; Not by making yourself a martyr. By no means, for that would be selfish and prideful. Instead Be deliberate in your decision to get on with it. Remember, there is going to come a time when you will be at the head of room filled with family and friends who will be present to bid there final prayer, farewell, or what have you. How do you think it will go if you give up now? In the end, the cross that has been appointed to each and every individual will reflect back something about how each person handled it, whatever it might be; Though, basically, one is either vindicated in life, and so comes a sense of relief and fulfillment unlike anything else. Only tears of sorrow and relief can truly express the heart at that moment. The other is condemnation. Only you can choose. I'll p[ray for you and your family in Jesus name. In the meantime let your family watch as you take hold of that which is for you to do. And pray for perseverance, for yourself and your family. Also place your mom in the care of the LORD thy God and pray that she would receive all that is good, that is coming to her from you and yours. It does take a village at some point.
Kind Regards Henry

Soooo, you've met my mother? She is 94 and the most hateful, self centered person I have ever met. I only talk to her when I have to, she still lives by herself and refuses to budge, although, this decision has made me and my brothers life pure hell as it is over 800 miles from where we live. We have offered to buy her a place closer to us...nope. She tells us we are useless and that we should go F ourselves, has no friends and none of our relatives talk to her, haven't for 30years. This is a nightmare and I pray that it will end soon.

I'm sorry. But if someone is telling you that you have to take this bs then ignore them. My husband and I have been married for almost 40 years. His mother is the narcissistic one. She has been physically and mentally abusive her whole life to her kids. My husband uncle told him years ago "you were not put on this earth to be anyone sacrificial lamb". In other words, you don't have to put up with an abusive person. We have tried to help her over the years. Move up near us, we can take care of you. No, I can never leave this house. All irrational reasons why she can't move (her mom loaned them money to buy the house and she promised mom, who has been dead for 50 years, she would never sell it.) We just went through 3 months trying to help her. She won't listen to her son or daughters but will trust the stranger at Wal Mart. She went into the hospital in January and the dr's said she couldn't live alone. Needed 24/7 care. Moved her into a wonderful assisted living facility that even took her 2 dogs (as long as she could care for them). Two weeks later room smells like dog urine and the director is telling her that she has to take them out. They have never been potty trained. Her carpet in her home is so urine filled a normal person cannot be inside for longer than 10 minutes. So, long story short her dogs get kicked out and then she wants to move home. It was a wonderful facility. She was meeting people and enjoy breakfasts with friends but the dogs were her life. So now she is home. (wasted $9k) Her health has taken a turn for the worse and she needs 24/7 care at home. How expensive is that??? She doesn't have the money, we don't either so rich cousin is helping foot the bill. Thank God for him. So, I'm venting. (All this on top of my husband and I caring for my 89yr old dad with dementia. He's in his home with my daughter and SIL who live with him and a hired caregiver who comes M-F. We go down every other weekend except when we have a ton of work to do on dad's acre and with his rental which we are in the process of repairing and cleaning up for new renters 7/1.) I'm 62 and so is hubby. We're both tired. Don't feel guilty. That's what she wants, your guilt making you submit to her will. MIL to my husband "when I get moved back home I never want to speak to you again." Fine with us. She's cussing out her care givers, cussed out the director of the home and told her to her face she was a b***h, cussing out the geratric care manager. But she can turn on the sweetness when she wants to. ugh.

Janny, it's terrible when our elderly are so mean. Many people decline to care for them when they are so awful and ask the state to step in as guardian. The state will appoint and pay (if the person has no money) for this service if the person is deemed incompetent. Then the guardian puts them in the best care setting. The family has no power, so grandma can get mad, but it's easier for the wrath to roll off your back when you have no power to change the situation.

Practical help: Many cell phones allow you to customize the ring for each contact. I put mthr's number on "silent." And I delete certain number's voice mails without listening. It really helps!

It is hard being there for someone that doesn’t treat you well. I am very sorry that you have had such a rough relationship with your mother- it must be very hard on you. However, remember that without her, you would not be here. If visiting her and seeing her is hurting your own mental health, then do not go visit her. But let your adult children make their own decisions on whether they want to see her. Keep in mind that she is going through a very rough time, which certainly is no excuse for her to be mean, but losing your own mental and physical capacity would be absolutely terrible. Do what is best for you and your own happiness. But remember that these may be her last holidays. Even though you struggle to tolerate her presence, you might just end up missing it when she is gone.

It seems she did a good job on you, for certain, as with all you say, there you are still doing her bidding. How about just saying "Hey, I am too selfish to do this. Hey, I am not a perfect person". What do you feel guilty about? Having been born to a Narcissist? I would seek help at once so that you can comb out a decent life for yourself; none of us are getting younger.
I had a friend go on and on and on the other day, and finally she said "Do I smell the odor of burning Martyr here?" Your mother has done enough, it would seem to me, to your life. Are you willing to give the rest of it over to her as well?
Not everyone is a good person. Not everyone is deserving of our constant care and compassion. Your first job is to give yourself a decent life. Your second is to make a decent life for your own significant other and your own children. Respect is owed. Caring for her is not. That would be a gift. A gift you choose of your own free will. Or not. I am so very sorry you are going through this, but you are going to have to make some decisions for your life; please get professional help with them.

Have you considered that possibility that your mom is a Narcissist? It might be helpful to research this to get a better understanding of what you've endured your entire life. I wonder whether you've been "trained" for a very long time to be available and responsible for her every need. It seems to me that there is a voice inside of you, that is telling you that this is an abusive relationship with no good in it, and telling you it is time to protect your family.

Facilities always have special dinners and activities around the holidays. Leave grandma there and enjoy your family. Completely guilt free.
I am the full time caretaker for my mother who also (as we have put it for years) "does not play well with others". Since I care take I have not had one holiday or family activity/outing without the invitation stating I am to bring our mother. For years. I actually have started to despise the holidays and will only participate in the ones I can't get out of.
I would also ask if there is anyone that could do an evaluation and prescribe something to help with her aggressive personality. I don't like to push medications but if it can calm the lashing out I'm sure it would be a blessing for all involved.

I am so glad to find this post and not feel so alone. My Dad died last fall and I brought my Mom to live with us, since their place was over 6 hours away. I had back surgery 6 weeks before my Dad's death, and went to see him and stated because it was his last day...I found him in a adult diaper and tee shirt laying on a paper pad with just a blanket thrown over him...he was freezing. I got him up and dressed, to make up his bed..my mom was walking with a rollator because she broke her femur that spring. She said he made a mess and everything was in the washer (which was done, when I got there and she did have other sheets). I think she just got tired of taking care of him. I called hospice and they came out and said it was a matter of days...he died that night - but in a fresh made up bed. I cleaned out his room for her , she said she could not do it. I was in so much pain from moving my Dad around and hauling garbage to the road and bagging good stuff to donate. Anyways, being the youngest I have always been there to take care of my Mom, when she was ill, knowing my Dad was in the last stages of cancer we knew she would have to come her because they lived in the middle of nowhere with a lot of winter snow. She was horrible, she pretended to be sweet but tried underhandedly to cause problems between my Husband and I- we caught on. She wanted me to wait on her hand and foot, like I was 17 and living at home. She lied to me and when I finally confronted her after 3 different versions, she called my sister(who she has hated all my life and caused problems between us) and threw a fit and left my home....a lot more to the story, but that sums it pretty much up.She said living with us was like being in prison, I took her to all her appointments, PT, got her hearing aids fixed. Told her I would take her to the Senior center, check into the local college for free art classes, wanted to take her to the movies-everything was 'No". She just wanted to go to Walmarts all the time and spend money she really did not have to spend, buying clothes- which she had plenty of. She went back to her own home eventually...and yesterday I received a letter telling me she wanted what was given to me as mementos from my father- since she inherited everything from my Dad. They both did wills years ago and it was written as spouse, me as second beneficiary and then my son if I should pass before. So I understand your pain, it hurts real bad- you just don't expect them to become so hateful.

I have the same problem wth my Mother. For years she lived alone and was forced to move to my town one month ago. It has been a roller coaster ride. Some days I think "aww, she's just an old lady, she doesnt mean any harm," but then she will start vilifying everyone she knows and meets. She has no filter and says anything on her mind. When we are together I wince when she has to interact with others because I know something ugly and insulting is about to come out of her mouth. I have tried to put my foot down and reduce my visits but she guilts me into taking her out. I have to find peace with this or the stress of ealing with her is going to kill me.

Surprised to see so many similar stories. Unfortunately the love of ourselves is reflected in everything we do and everyone we choose to have in our life. Now the most intimate of our relationships tell us the most about how we think of ourselves and what we value. We do have the choice to not treat our own children the way I/we were treated. My adult children have never been on the receiving end of physical, verbal or emotional abuse

The same thing here, my mom has always been a nasty person and since she isn't well and older she has upped her antics. When I was dating my second husband, I kept telling him, my mom was out to get me. He did not believe me at the time, he does now

I can understand exactly how you feel. I am currently caring for a 83 yr old woman who complains about everything ,criticizes, and demeans everything you do for her and say to her. Nothing makes her happy no matter how good it it. She is draining the life right out of me! Unreal! Sad because I as a caregiver want to help others but this one makes that totally impossible. She is pure evil. I have been a CNA 1 for over 30 yrs and never felt this way about a client/patient. I think her family has her spoiled to the point she treats everyone like dirt under her feet even the Drs. And to beat it all she was an operating room nurse. One would think she would know better or have a professional side. Gee wiz!