My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

To everyone who has commented below, do you believe the mothers we speak of are suffering with some sort of dementia or is it more of a psychological issue? Has anyone's mother received a diagnosis for the terrible behavior? My mom has not. I believe she has some dementia, but it's almost as if it has just escalated her true personality.

My mother has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder accompanied by narcissism. It was a 5 ring circus when she got dementia, But it has been pretty bad all along. She still has the traits of BPD and now has dementia added in. She is in final stage vascular dementia so she can't say much which is a blessing. It is very hard on the offspring and especially those who are caregivers,

lizzie7. Sorry to repeat myself but what is said on this thread I wish I had read years ago. Life is not a given. If someone is cruel, and it's obvious they do not change with kindness, it takes so much strength, but you must,must claim your time. You said it beautifully🐶

Golden23, how did you get a diagnosis? My brother seems to agree with me that 'mother' should go to geriatric psychiatrist. But then won't follow through. I am the culprit who got her license taken away. Anyway, I know she won't be honest with a psych. How can they diagnose without interviewing family? Just curious. I doubt there is any hope of improving my situation. I follow this thread and the one about narcissist mothers. So good that others are in same boat. Wishing I could set her adrift. She likes to take or move our stuff (also hers) and claims she isn't aware she is touching other people's things. Clearly everything belongs to her. We have to keep our rooms locked and basically everything in our (mine and daughter's) rooms. I refuse to look for her lost items since she accuses me of stealing. Zero boundaries. It is not possible for her to tell the truth as her memories are immediately altered to fit her ego centric narrative. My brother and I do not trust ANYONE because of her craziness and lies. She has no idea why my dad left her. She claimed a terminal illness for a full 17 years, refusing medical tests. Saying they know it will kill her while Dad shook his head, no. They told her to go to a psych. Finally got tests and voila, no symptoms, no recollection of said illness ever again. I could write a book. Everyone outside of immediate family believes her (at least we assume so) as she constantly told lies about us making herself to be a victim. I wish this could just end. I spent most of my life 2000 miles away. But I have chronic fatigue syndrome and own a house locally as I couldn't sell and lose my equity in fallen market. I hate what kind of teen years my daughter is having. Every single day is crazy. She held up her size 10 diaper pants and asked if I could squeeze into them, claiming she feels sorry for me due to my protruding stomach. People, I wear a size 4. I have minimal stomach for a 58 yo. Yet she can look at me and think I am bigger than her. Ahhhhh that rant felt good.

Im in this with you all....and until i found help on this site, I was soooo out of my league. Im 60- only child ( a/k/a the reason her life sucked.)
it goes back as far as i can remember and now, she is 91 in December. Yup, went thru the " its me's"- as a kid and now Im at the point where I have learned to do the right thing and walk away. When she starts one of her routines- Baby voice/ sick ole lady- I leave. Dying immediately, I leave- venom spewing, I leave. Whether its the room or her place- LEAVE.
To be honest there is some sort of good feeling now that I can do right by her care, but I have the power to end it IMMEDIATELY. Only took me 60 years. I pay her bills, handle her meds, and see there is grocery's, laundry, etc. and thats it. I figured out I dont have to love or like her, but I have to maintain what I KNOW is right from wrong.
It doesnt matter what diagnosis she has or doesnt have. Selfish, self centered, condescending, extremely jealous, vindictive, fowls mouth son of a b*tch does have to have a diagnosis when she has been this person her entire life. I dont care if she is 90, this is who she was when I was born and over the years have honed her craft.

Now kids, its about us. We, the damaged children of the miserable are torn between the life we grew up with and the lives we managed to achieve of our own, despite what we were programmed to accept. Ya, I said accept- because here we are today- struggling with the same thing all over again as we did with childhood. AND WHY, because they are aged?

So lets get it out there- if you can walk away, do it. The longer you stand there the more it gets into your brain and there we are being reprogrammed back to the good ole days. I see her 3 times a week. I limit the visit to her mouth. She is decent, I stay longer. Once it starts, Im out the door. All calls goes to VM- I play it, if its nasty, I do not respond, pleasant I call her back. I have hired help, she fired them. Now my attitude is different.

She is nocturnal and will get bored during the night- no longer my problem. When I go to her place and she wants to sleep or fake dying...I leave. Minutes later, my phone will ring and she will have some excuse and want to know if Im coming back. I dont. So she has pretty much stopped that one.

I have learned we can have some sort of control and its not over them, its over us. Do the things we need to do for an aging parent, yet its ok not to love or like them.

Somewhere in my head I pictured me- standing there- with a box, full of rocks, dirt and ugly stuff. It stunk to high heaven and I could barely hold it up anymore. Then I handed it back to her and thought- here, this is yours, not mine......and boom, honest to God, I changed, right then and there. I have no explanation for this, it just happened and I am grateful. How my mind wandered to that senerio- no clue.... Im throwing this out there and if it helps great. This thread was a God send for me to find and probably where something clicked in me. I got advice and didnt even realize it was clicking.

Karenina,
Doesn't it feel good to let it all out to a non-judgmental group? That's us.
My mom (narcissist and hypochondriac) put me through 3 months of h*ll one summer, as she was sure she was dying from some pain that started between her legs and slowly (over 3 months) moved from her lower abdomen into her upper chest. Of course she got ALL the tests Kaiser had. She wound up with not a thing wrong! I called her on it and said that she's fine and I will no longer listen to physical complaints. So, I hear ya'!

Struggling1,
How awesome! You have figured out how to beat her at her own game! YOU are in control of you and your response to her. Takes others a lifetime to figure that out.

Karenina - Hi Mother was first diagnosed when she was 96 and in hospital for a short visit, Her 24/7 senior nanny had had it and had a meltdown in front of the hospital staff. They called in a psych and she was diagnosed, but, of course still competent, Then mother decided to move to an ALF, lasted 6 months there and then moved to another ALF. There she developed vasc dementia and things got steadily worse. There was an episode which put her in hospital again and they diagnosed the BPD there again. She was given meds but refused to take them. Her behaviour worsened steadily -paranoia, and some difficulty with finances ete. The last hospital visit had resulted in her having visits by a psych nurse -community type care. Mother totally snowed the first nurse, but her case worker who had had known her longer saw the realities. I kept in touch with her and the community psychiatrist and once mother threatened suicide again they acted and took her to a geri psych hospital -would have done it forcibly if necessary but she went voluntarily. There she was thoroughly tested and they confirmed the BPD and VaD and recommended meds. She was not compliant so stayed there the better part of a year until the paranoia and delusions became bad enough that she agreed to the meds, It was a long and difficult journey.

Oh my gosh, that could have been written by my sister, word for word! Except that she no longer lives close to my Mom, and probably thankfully so.

I don't have the energy to go into detail about what brought my sister & I to the latest chapter in the ongoing saga our mother has created. The big problem now, that's eating us alive, is that she's decided she doesn't want to see either of us again. She said this twice to my husband after he had brought her to sell her car. She told him we're mad at her because she called us "pieces of sh*t". Well, no, because she didn't. I guess she meant to, but she never got around to it. She's not too bad off, physically, but she needs help with stuff--food, rides, etc., and has nobody in her life besides us. As much of a nightmare as she is, we want to help her & aren't monsters that can simply walk away. Anyway, she also said we're mad because she didn't give us any money from the sale of the car. We've never asked her for anything; why would we expect any money for something we didn't sell? For some reason that neither my sister nor I can understand she's decided I'm the main villain. She told my husband I'm weird because I grocery shop the same day every week. She said I've "always been a weird person." Mind you, she's telling MY HUSBAND these things. She drags up things that happened when I was in high school to reinforce what a horrid human being I am (I'm 59 years old). He was there over the weekend to find out if she needed anything at the store and if she had laundry that needed doing. She told him she doesn't want me buying her anything & that I should "go to hell". She said she hasn't done anything (HA!) & why are we "punishing her", yet we should run to her after she makes it clear how she really feels? My sister & I want to be sure she has what she needs, but we don't want the abuse any longer & don't want to be in the company of such a hateful, mean, negative person. This is not the first time we've stayed away, but it feels like it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Knowing exactly what she thinks of me, how can I just shrug my shoulders & say "oh well, she's old" & go back for more? I'm not looking for answers; there aren't any. She won't take depression or anxiety medication, she won't go for any sort of counseling, which her doctor has recommended. Our father died in January & her narcissism has really bloomed without him there to temper it. She just sold our grandparents' house & gleefully told my husband how much richer she'll be & that she's got a really good lawyer to make sure sis & I don't get a dime. Fine. We don't want anything, never gave any indication that we did. Last year, when she & my father had live-in care (which was a total & complete nightmare, the offensively abusive way she treated the aides), she kept saying how the cost was taking up our "inheritance" & weren't we concerned about that? We told her no, that it was more important for them to be safe & cared for. Bottom line: she's 100% impossible & it's tragic that so many of us are dealing with such a disgusting situation. Good luck to all of us, and thanks for letting me vent.

Soo Doo, reading your story helps me a lot. I kinda envy the fact that you have a sister to add verification to what you are saying. I have a mother who is nice to everyone else and horrid to me but then tells stories that turn her meanness into my actions and I have no one to back up what I am saying. Your sister, at least, gives your version of what is happening validity- should you need to defend yourself. Hang in there!!!

Notagain, the idea that my post helped someone means a lot--thank you for saying so. My sister has been my therapist & link to sanity since this horror began a year & a half ago. I honestly don't know where I'd be without her. I hope she feels even remotely the same about me being there for her. It's a terrible thing to know that your mother needs you but dislikes you so much she chooses to try managing on her own. We don't want to be around her, but as I said--we want to help. Her constant, unrelenting negativity is like being pelted with rocks, though, so maybe she's done us a favor by giving us the "out" we didn't have the guts to take before this. She's so textbook-narcissist it's scary. We'll all get through it somehow. I know that, because I know we're all very strong, having dealt with the knowledge that our mothers aren't loving our entire lives. This thread is always here for us to help us know we're not alone. Thanks again, and stay strong.

Let me tell you about our mother. Since we were kids she's been putting us down. A new school year meant the nightmare of clothes-shopping, when she'd yell at me for being "so fat nothing ever fits". In the dressing room, in public. Once my sister was awarded a student of the year certificate. Mommy dearest said it must have been a mistake. Our whole lives she treated our father horribly, criticizing his every move, belittling (& keeping him from) his entire family, berating him for talking about his job. If he was upstairs she'd complain, if he was in his basement workshop, she'd complain. She hated living next door to his parents, hated them, hated their heritage & taught her daughters to not take pride in it. I loved my grandmother & she, to this day, resents that close relationship I had with her. She thought she was so much better than everybody--so much more sophisticated, worldly, "classy", better-dressed, with better taste, smarter, better EVERYTHING that it left her with few friends. Those who stuck around she talked incessantly about behind their backs (she still does, about the two or three who are still alive). She would often comment on other people's children who were so successful, so pretty, so rich, so this, so that--yet not acknowledge any success we might have. She still does that. She puts on this "nice" act for everybody, so we don't have anybody who'll take us seriously if we try telling them about the real HER. She's often related one of her favorite stories about the time she had a cashier at a store in tears because she was so mean to her. After our grandparents died, our parents kept their house & rented it out to several tenants over the years. She had problems with ALL of them, a few she even had screaming matches with, resulting in the police being called one time. Classy, yes? The people in the house next door to my grandparents' house were years-long targets of her hate (until they sold the house & moved away). She seemed to revel in the turmoil & used every excuse to keep it going & ramp up the hostility & animosity. My father could do nothing. He had long ago given up (obviously) on ever reasoning with her. Nobody ever could. She's always right, no matter what. When my sister got divorced she never missed a chance to bad-mouth her ex-husband to my two nieces, who were teenagers. That was at least 15 years ago, my sister's quite happy, yet mother dear still calls him "that piece of crap" if he's ever mentioned or if he happens to pop into her head. Her latest antics involve full-blown temper tantrums: in doctors offices, at CarMax (where she pounded on the counter & swore at the clerk, prompting a security guard to come & say if she didn't calm down the transaction would be cancelled), restaurants--always because she perceives that she's not getting her way. Several years ago we were out at a restaurant for a holiday. There were my sister & I, my husband, & our parents. They inadvertently gave the table our mother requested to another party. She had a complete fit, swearing & berating the host, acting completely insane. Did we leave? No. She's got everyone in her unfortunate circle so trained that our better judgement is ignored so as not to cause her to become further agitated, resulting in even more of a scene being created. Yes, she's a delight. I feel so bad that so many of us have this horror in our lives, especially at this stage of the game.

l feel for you. I would say if you really feel this way and she doesnt get anything positive from your efforts you are wasting your time. You know she is safe and cared for. Continue to make sure her needs are met but stop putting yourself through the ordeal of having her stay. No one would expect you to put up with an unpleasant partner so to me there is no difference.

Reading this feedback has made me feel so much better. It makes me realize that my sister and I are not alone. My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers in late 2015. Our dad was her carer until he got sick in May 2017. He got cancer (I'm sure because my Mum caused him so much stress) and in August last year he and mum moved into a great aged care facility. This was Dad's dying wish to get Mum into care. Dad passed away 4 weeks later in Sep 2017. Since then, Mum has been bitter, angry, beyond depressed and blaming everything on my sister and I. No matter what we say or do she cannot settle where she is living and does not accept she can't live on her own. She rings me everyday in the morning and cries and complains about everything to do with where she is living; she bad mouths my sister to me and vice versa to my sister. She is creating a triangle that has become intolerable. My sister and I are not coping with Mum at all and every day we play the same broken record conversation between us about what we can do. I am beginning to feel like a battered adult/child as the emotional abuse is unrelenting; Mum thinks that we should not go on holidays; that she should live with me; that it's our fault she is no longer driving; she tells us every day "YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF HERE". She is rude to our husband and about our husbands; she thinks we should be taking her out on Saturday nights; My sister's best friend of 37 years died suddenly and my Mum's says my sister is selfish because she is mourning this loss; She thinks we are stealing her money and doing nothing to help her. We have tried to be patient but we are not willing to take this unrelenting abuse anymore. We feel like we want to cut her off but we know we are all she has and we can't do that - hey, I can't even NOT pick up the phone to her. Go figure. Anyway, not really looking for answers or sympathy but jeez that felt good to get it off my chest!

Jalpert you certainly have come to the right place in terms of people's understanding what you're going through, and its being a safe place to vent. Go right ahead!

Only. Was your mother always, including long before her diagnosis, a bit of a handful - if I can put it like that?

Summed up perfectly. At least, above all else, you did not inherit her "grim view of life." In the sometimes hell that caregiving can be, my gratitude list starts with that. Hopefully, in the future, people will never avoid me, knowing ugly words are not coming. Something to hang onto☺

Thanks for the responses - it's so good knowing others are going through the same - if you understand what I mean! It's not really good but it's helpful LOL. So you asked if my Mum was always like this. Well, she has certainly always needed a lot of attention and was always a bit envious of others which is thankfully not a trait I carry! Her Alz has definitely brought out all the worst elements of her personality and make them 100% more noticeable. My sister and I are taking her for a full appraisal by a different neuro psychologist and making a report on her Alz for us so we can make some informed decisions on wether we should or should not move her. At a cost of $1200 Aus dollars I'm hoping it will give us some answers. We do often ask 'is it her Alz or is it just her'. I believe she will just pack up her misery and take it elsewhere if she moves but my sister is adamant that being in aged care is making her worse as she is surrounded by Alz residents far worse than her which is scary and heartbreaking. It's a no win situation really. My sister and I can't take her on full time. We have our own issues, businesses, families etc. I have a transgender child as well so my plate is pretty dam full!

I thought I was the only person who felt like this my mother is 74 years old she was a nasty person when she was young and she's nasty now that she's old I just went up there to visit her she's living in squalor nastiness and roaches with a grown son who claims to be her caregiver but not do anything to make the home livable for her at this point in my life I feel that I don't want to take care of her I don't want to change her diapers I don't want to bathe her I don't want to do any of that because she was absent in my life and I don't want to feel guilty it's killing me and I feel torn like it's what I should do but people just don't understand the depth of my pain I love her because she's my mother but I can't stand to be around her I feel like she's very fake

gonegirl -and others who have posted here. There are many of us. The guilt button was planted in you by your mother when you were a child so she could manipulate you to do what she wanted you to do. Whoever thinks it is what you "should" do has never walked in your shoes, You are as entitled to the life that you choose as much as she is entitled to her life and her choices. She sounds very toxic to you and you can choose to detach from her. That doesn't mean you don't love her, but that you love yourself and your family too. I can't stand to be around my mother either. I have PTSD from childhood emotional abuse. She is in an NH 5 hours drive away. I look after her business from a distance and that is all I can do. (((((hugs))) to you. BTW I am 81 and my mother is 106. This can go on for a long time - much too long.

Hell no you are not alone. People often judge by their observations. Those observations are surface information and as such shallow. You are not an indentured servant. Your mother is a narcissist. I feel for you. My wives mother is also one; never happy and can’t stand to see anyone else happy.

I feel for you. She has lived her life and now you must live yours. Dementia...will she know you in the future? Have a living funeral and get on with your life...be happy.

Oh no you are not alone in this. I too have a mom who will be 84 soon and no matter what you show her or prove she is wrong is maddening she always has to be right and look like a person who is perfect. She also complains unless things go her way no matter what. I'm 63 and she has lived with me the last 6 years too long. I have been criticized all my life, I love my mom but I don't like her. She sees 9 specialist her PCP asked why does she feel she needs to see all these Doctors and she says I like going to the doctor, and she loves to be the center of attention then complains that it takes too much of her money. Oh I could go on and on. I too have depression a lot cause I am the last of her 4 children who will take care of her because they have gone through taking care of her but she burned her bridges and given up due to her behavior. I wish you luck in your situation.

YES! I totally understand. My mother is bubbly and fun to everyone else, yet insulting, nasty and critical to my sister and me.
i suspect a mood disorder coupled with some cognitive decline, but she is an adult whom makes her own decisions. She has tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, and can make ridiculous accusations. My sister hasn’t even seen her since her surgery, and I am the sole caregiver.
im exhausted.

My mom was like this for decades. About a year ago something happened that made her much easier to deal with and pleasant to be around. I think it was dementia which she definitely has but I think for that short period of time it made her very nice to be around. Now she doesn't remember most of that year and she is in a nursing home permanently. That aspect of her seems to be gone and the complainer is back. I had been visiting her daily for months until it was too much and until I realize the sweet mom was mostly gone. Yesterday I realized that I may never see that nice version again. now I feel hard pressed to visit her though I know it would be the nice thing to do. She was a meh to bad mom most of her years but I know some of that could be contributed to dementia. Yet, at this moment I just don't care anymore. She is getting excellent care where she is and taking hours out of my day a few times a week for someone who was a crappy mom feels now at this point like something that doesn't make me happy.

I keep going hoping to see sweet mom version but yesterday I got confirmation from a nurse that I don't think sweet mom exists and that she seems to have stabilized enough that her 'normal' personality is there full throttle now. Frankly, I'm pretty much done with her if this is who she will be. She was never really a nice person in decades that I remember and I really have been an amazing daughter to her for the most part helping her through two knee surgeries, helping with things around the house when I could, helping her through the last year in her major decline and visiting her daily for months this summer/fall until I realized it was dragging me down.

She is my mom and I do love her, but I don't really like her. I did adore that sweet version of her that I had for maybe just under a year. In retrospect, I didn't even realize she was this new version for about half of it. I am certain that the dementia had something to do with it. It's like she forgot she was a jerk or something. Knowing that this version of her is gone sort of makes it ten times worse because for a few months there when I realized she was this nicer version, I just felt so comforted by that. I loved spending time with her and did whatever I could to help her. It felt like a gift from the gods. And now that personality is gone and cranky mom is back. Granted she seems to be better than she was previously in that she's not that bad, but there are still aspects of her that remind me of the worse version of her and going to spend time with her in a nursing home at all with her like that is unappealing. And knowing how she was for those few months and what it was like to have what to me felt like a really good supportive loving mom just makes it even sadder now. Even worse, going to visit hoping to see that version or feeling like I NEED to see that version because I didn't have a decent mom and now I am in this weird position of remembering and missing the good mom I had for some months when the not good one is back, it just makes the whole thing suck even more.

And then there's the fact that sometimes I actually like her better now when she has an infection. She seems less hostile or displeased then. There's a kind of underlying displeased attitude that she had for decades. It seems gone when she is ill and for the few months where she was pretty great as a mom. Now I even wonder how the dementia will progress because I suspect it made her the cynical pessimistic paranoid mean spirited jerk she had been for many years. She's definitely not anything that bad right now but I can see shades of it but to a much lesser degree. I decided last night to stop visiting so much because I feel like it's me on a rollercoaster looking for someone who may never return.

Rocks Paper is exactly correct. I had older relatives who were kind and caring. They were blind and variously homebound in their old age but it was a pleasure to be around them. They enjoyed their lives. They worked hard and had the philosophy that all of us deserves peace and autonomy. They had enough money and good home care.
My selfish old parents would suck the last breath of life out of me if I let them.

They are afraid of death.

We will all die someday and me living in the shadow of their fear and disappointment (they are well looked after and have way more money than I do) is in no way going to improve my lot. The saying goes ”misery loves company”. Maybe me being miserable would make them happy. What kind of parent is that?They have always seen the glass as half empty and l always have the feeling they can’t stand it when I am happy.
Live your life. I guarantee you that making yourself or letting others make you miserable is NOT your purpose on this planet. I am not a religious zealot but I am positive that God’s purpose for us is not to let ourselves be treated badly by miserable people who are afraid to die.
Do not be afraid to live. We will all die some day and that is the level playing field of life.
Go out there and enjoy it while you can. You do not owe your parents the air you breathe. They have their own air. As do we all - just a certain amount and then your number is up.
I truly enjoyed spending time with my late Grandparents and my Aunt. They were warm, wise, funny, loving and caring. They knew neither one of us would live forever. Life has many phases and chapters for each of us. Don’t let your crabby old mother hijack your joy.
I have performed this excersise myself. Simply pretend that your parents are “okay” (assuming they have their basic custodial and material needs met) and act as if you are completely unencumbered by them. And you will stop waiting for the day they die in order to be happy.
Both my parents have all their custodial and material needs met - much more well off than me. If they do not realize it - well I realize it. If they have health maladies me being “sick” isn’t going to make them “well”. I’ve been around sick old people who are still filled with joy. It is their perspective on life.
You see what I mean? Maybe they will catch on and maybe they won’t. You do not need to feel guilty about enjoying your own life. If you have good health that is a gift not to be frittered away.
I am one of amongst many siblings. We are all basically decent people. I remember very vividly one day my old mom, who suffers from a very unusual and difficult neurological problem, said to me “It’s because of you kids that I have this problem!”
My friend’s mom is the exact same age as mine (85) and has just as many children. They are all grown adults. She is in very good health.
My mother’s poor condition is the result of bad luck and probably bad genes. It has nothing to do with anything I or any of my siblings have ever done. I didn’t make it happen and I can’t undo it.
Old age and death will visit each and every one of us. I have seen some take it gracefully and others are just angry about everything.
Live your life in peace. You cannot control your parent’s angry or depressive attitude about the fact that their body is not what it once was and they will not live forever. If they seriously need professional counselling that is better than you turning yourself inside out trying to please them. That would be a full time job and maybe they’ll be fine but you’ll be completely depleted.

What do you do w/a narcissistic parent like that? Leave them alone, and send them a counselor to go visit them. For the sake of your own sanity, and that of your kids, DO IT. I’m talking out of experience. It’s not a matter of being mean, it’s a matter of setting boundaries for your own self-respect, and the peace, and wellbeing of yourself, your marriage (if you are), and the well-being of your children.

Golden23, God bless & keep you. 106......I shall literally shoot myself if mother lives to that age. She is 92 next month and killing me on a daily basis. I am an only child, which is horribly unfair for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because I bear the entire burden of her physical and financial care. She's in an ALF, thank God, but I still have a million things to do for her. She is chronically miserable, narcissistic and mentally ill along with dementia and the ugliest spirit I've ever seen in a human. A few months ago she decided it was important to tell me why she always hated my father (who died in 2015)and always treated him badly for the 68 years the poor soul was married to her. She wanted to make me hate him too which would never happen. After telling me something totally inappropriate, she felt justified in hating him, and felt that I should now stop being "against her". Instead, I can no longer stand her and what little tolerance I had left for her bullshit is gone. I'm going to start looking out for MYSELF for a change and cut back my exposure to the toxic fumes.
It's incredibly sad what we have to go through with these toxic women. I dearly hope we can detach from them and allow ourselves to live in peace and happiness from now on.

OMG NO! You are far from alone, and boy, finding this thread is really where you belong. Honest people on this site go thru this thick head of mine.

I wont rant on about the decades of physical, mental, emotion, marriage issues or the financial destruction this SOB mother of mine has caused. Lets just say at 60, I got crap to show for it and she is in better physical shape than me. How or why is she breathing? 91 miserable years! Just like her mother.

The trick to survival, is distance.
I have said this so many times, but here I go again.....
Just when I was about to totally implode I got this weird vision in my head, like a mini movie. I was standing there face to face with her. I had this filthy box, it weighted a ton, it stunk, Cold, heavy, rancid heavy garbage and rock and I could barely hold it up anymore. I said to her, " here this is your, not mine" and I handed it to her. BOOM! I can not tell you honestly what the hell happened but it was instant, like a mouse trap snap.

I was done, I was free, I somehow change my entire mind set right then and there. Granted, I still have to deal with her existence, there are thing I still do, but from a distance, on my schedule, I am never with her for more than an hour on a good day and on a usual rant & rave day, I warn her to get off the subject or I leave, if she doesnt...Im out the door, instantly.

Somehow once I got going, it all started to sink in- stupid things like would you stand in a room full of rotten eggs- letting it take you over? Would you put up with a total stranger ripping you apart for no reason? Would you show up at work every day when they met you at the door ripping you up and down? Dahhhh......and we have, for years, decades! Why because of the word "Mom"? dahhhhhh again. See what I mean? There is no guilt, there is right or wrong, good or bad, healthy or sick and we are 60...tick tick tick! I have a heart problem, 5 surgeries under my belt and I know dam well I dont have decades to go. I have 14K in the bank, there is no retirement in my further, for me, its work until I cant, then the domino effect starts with creditors and I get a front seat to watching that train wreck happen. I dont care if you walk, run or take an Uber....get away from the room of rotten eggs! You got this, if it can get thru my thick skull you can too. Hang in there!

Struggling1........I want one of those weird visions in MY head, because I sorely need one! I spent all day Sunday really upset and feeling sorry for myself, again, ruining the day for my poor husband and what FOR? Because I can no longer deal with my mother who is also in better physical condition at 92 than I am at 61! Why? Because she's spent all of those years GIVING out the agida and the heartaches, not taking them ON. As an only child, I'VE taken them on cause I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. As God as my judge, I'm going to start envisioning that box of rocks & rotten eggs and hand the damn thing back to HER, where it belongs, instead of allowing it to fester inside of ME! I need a mouse trap snap, too.

I'm done.

Thank you, dear Lady, for sharing yourself today, it's really helped me.

People who decide they can no longer interact with an abusive elderly person are generally not " monsters." Most should be declared martyrs or even saints. My story is an illustration. My mother has been hell to contend with her entire life. I blame her abuse of my dad for his early death at age 48 from a heart attack, for my brother leaving home as a young man and never coming back even to visit, and for my own depression and anxiety disorders. She saw me as her last chance for controlling someone--and she did just that until I rebelled in middle age and married someone she disapproved of. She disowned me. Sixteen years later, my brother convinced me to go and see about her because she had a heart attack (and because he has always dumped the responsibility for our mother on me). WORST DECISION OF MY LIFE. Now in her nineties, the woman is still hell on wheels and totally controlling and very punishing. In the one year I was back in association with her, I had 3 surgeries--one for a complete hysterectomy--and yet I couldn't run fast enough for her. I had her in two hospitals, two rehab, and then a wonderful assisted living. Nothing I did measured up. Finally, I woke up and realized my mother would never love or even like me. I had done enough. I left her in a lovely assisted living with good care. She has friends she likes way better than me coming to visit her. Her darling absentee son calls her and they have a great chance to talk about what a bad daughter I am. I don't care. I am done. Society, my brother, and her friends can say what they want about me. I know the truth of the situation and that I performed a heroic deed just going back to help this woman for one year. Anyone in a situation like mine has my total support and empathy. Find your parent a safe place to live and then decide how much interaction, if any, you can stand. I wish you peace.

Wow. “ We are damaged children of the miserable.” SPOT ON. I was born 13 years after my idolized brother in what I think was a last ditch attempt to save a failing marriage. My parents were married for 65 years. Her life ended the day my brother drove out the driveway to college, the same year I started kindergarten. I had a lifetime of never being good enough, it was never done right, the men in my life never good enough...so I never married and never had children for the terror of repeating the cycle. (I heard her tell someone one day it was a damn good thing that I never had kids because I didn’t have the sense to raise them even though I speak four languages and have a successful professional career.) When she became ill in 2000, I returned home to the same city to help my father care for her, a father with whom I had no relationship really due to my mother’s narcissistic needs for attention. I should have never done it. I’m sitting in a hospital room now with my 96 year old father who I don’t think will make it out of here and I am at peace with that. I have done above and beyond for both of them And after 19 years, I shall be free.