My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Betterdays, I'd focus on your brother, and get more help from him. AND (I say this firmly but lovingly) I would quit trying to make her happier when that is impossible. Whether or not she wants to go home is immaterial to the higher order problem that when she DOES go home, there is no care available that doesn't depend 100% on you being there, putting up with everything and disrupting your entire life.
Your brother has made a different choice -- pitches in what and when he can. Could he do more? Maybe. Probably. But he has set boundaries and YOU NEED TO, TOO. That he set them doesn't make him bad. That you need to set them doesn't make YOU bad. That they won't be what your mother wants them to be doesn't make any of you bad.
All you can do is what you can do. And giving her full-time care is NOT what you can do without drowning yourself. So. Find someone -- a social worker, your brother, a friend, the mirror, the people here -- who can help you set and stick to some boundaries that work for YOU. let go of the need for them to work for her. She has none.

betterdays: Just say No!

OK, you've had a lifetime of abuse and conditioning to take that abuse, and others who have been there (I have not) tell me that makes saying no extremely difficult. I'll accept that.

But, hey, saying Yes isn't exactly making your life easy, is it?

You brother is perfectly entitled to make any decisions he wants to. He can go to the beach every other week. He can limit his visits to 10 minutes. He is even entitled to try to tell you what to do. Don't concern yourself with your brother's behavior.

YOU are entitled to make decisions. In fact, you can't avoid it. You can decide to ruin your health by trying to please a person who cannot be pleased. You can decide to do what your brother tells you to do. Or, you can make different decisions. Really. It is not easy but it is not impossible. (Elisa1961 is our Just Say No poster child and our hero.)

If your decision is that you will not provide caregiving in your mother's home, then make that very, very clear to everyone involved. Tell the hospital social worker. Tell the discharge nurse. Tell her doctor. Certainly tell your brother. No more sleeping on the couch. No more taking verbal abuse in exchange for your sacrifices. No more saving her money while your business suffers. IF that is your decision, of course. You are free to opt to continue on as things have been. In some ways that is the path of least resistance. But IF your decision is to take care of yourself and let your mother (who can afford it) arrange to take care of herself, then I urge you to make that decision very clear to everyone.

I hesitate to bring this little example us in this context, because my mother has never had an abusive molecule in her body, but it might illustrate what I mean. When we were arranging for home care services for Ma, the intake social worker asked her if she needed help cutting her toenails. "Oh no," she replied, "my daughters take care of that." Her daughters had to make it very clear that we did not have the equipment or the training or the desire to take care of Ma's toenails. (Mother wasn't trying to be mean to us ... she just didn't want any special attention or to ask for anything she didn't think she needed.) If we hadn't spoken up, the social worker would have had no reason to doubt her and she wouldn't have gotten that service.

You mother, and maybe your brother, may be assuring everyone in sight that she will have plenty of help if she is discharged to her own home. IF you decide that that help isn't going to be you, make sure everyone in sight knows it. Don't wait to be asked. Don't wait until you can think up a way to explain it so you won't look like the Bad Daughter. Don't wait to see if they really might discharge her home. Don't wait hoping that some other possibility will open up. Make your decision and announce it to all parties who might conceivably have an interest in that decision.

Good luck!

This post that JeanneGibbs just made is about the best post I've ever seen, and she's made some brilliant ones. Print it out. Read it again and again. This is the lifeline you are looking for.

Better days: listen to jeannegibbs! Read it again. Then read it again. I mentioned on my thread that the 2nd post I received changed my life. It sounds like your headed down the nitemare I endured for 2 years. That 2nd post was from jg. I thought wow. Then I let my family read it and we started our journey to reclaim our lives. It's all about the journey YOU wish to take. My new friends have been with me every step of the way. They have celebrated my triumps

Oops!... But they have also dried my tears and picked me back up. Even after 600+ posts they are still here for me. I've said this on a couple of other threads but I so mean it. Keep reaching out and everyone here will grab your hand. I know what abuse is too. I'm still having bad days, but there are more good days. So please let everyone help!

Betterdays, you did your duty making sure your mother is in a safe place that will take care of her. Lose the guilt now and leave her alone. Let her live in her misery alone where she apparently wants to be. If SHE reaches out to you, that's a different thing, but still you need to make it on YOUR terms NOT HERS. She's made her bed....

I know what NancyH means, but let me just state it this way. If your mom reaches out for you, say NO. Your mom wants a servant who she can mistreat and bitch about. Your mom wants you to be her servant because you have already demonstrated that you don't care how badly she has treated you all your life, you are still willing to let her continue to abuse you. And as horrible as this is to say, your willingness to be victimized by your mom may be the one thing she likes best about you.

If your mom had it in her to love you, she would not want to see you sacrifice your business, your health or your happiness to do things for her that she can afford to hire out. She would want your occasional company as a comfort, not as a means of control.

Whatever you do for your mom, make it minimal and doable. Offer to grocery shop once a week. Find a pharmacy that can deliver her medications.

Talk to the social worker and make it abundantly clear that your mom needs a care manager because you will not be tending to her in any on hands fashion. Make sure your mom and brother know that too. Your mom will be furious, but these are the steps you must take if you want to reclaim your life.

You are now 50 Years old. You are not going to live forever. Follow your dreams and know that you have a good heart. Letting yourself be abused by your mom is what a damaged person does. You knew when you were a teenager that it was time to leave. If you are having problems saying no, get back in touch with that very wise teenager and get some counseling too.

We have all been conditioned in various ways and I don't mean to minimize that, but you have to make a major decision now or you are going to be pulled deeper and deeper into your mom's twisted thinking. It will only get harder for you to access that good heart of yours and your God given free will to do what is right for you.

Take that good heart and use if for your own good. You deserved to be loved and valued and I think you can do that for yourself. Your mom will only hold you back and make you pay due to her mental illness/personality disorder. Don't let her sickness become your guiding light.

Love and best wishes, Cattails.

Better good for you -you have given your all and she does not appreciate it -you need to detach from her-she will never change-she has proven that -let her a brother deal with her -you have enough on your plate-maybe brother can rent her a place at the beach so he can spend quality tome with his dear mom-I bet she treats him better than she does you-do not give in-let her pay for help and she will find she can not treat paid help like she treats you-keep us posted and I hope you feel better.

Thank all of you for your input...so much good stuff was said here and I appreciate it all. I will print these out and take the advice given. They are planning to discharge her next week....how they can do this is anyone's guess but they say they have met the requirements of Medicare part A and can go no further until her casts come off in mid-July. I told my brother, who has all the powers of attorney, etc. to either hire someone or spend his working days in her home feeding and taking care of her. I work outside the home and it is not possible for me. My guess is he'll hire someone...once I make my mind up - it's done. They've both pushed me too far and I am stepping away and reclaiming my life. My bronchitis is so bad now, that I can hardly talk for any length without having a coughing fit....it has taken it's toll on me physically and that's a sign I can recognize and need to heed.

Holy cow ! I was beginning to think I was the only person in the world with this nasty mother who is now old & meaner than ever. The sacrifices I have made in the last 4 years are unbelievable. I feel a duty, even though she was a lousy mom all her life. She has always been very self centered. From what I read, it seems maybe only the good die young. Do to several huge life losses I have a general anxiety disorder. I don't seem to be able to handle a lot of stress & right now I am allowing my mother to just about kill me. Her labs are now better than mine. I moved her from cross town to a home in my neighborhood to be able to tend to her better. She will not go into assisted living because of her clothes hoard! I feel I should just keep on helping her until she dies. I would like to quit helping her & let nature take it's course, would that be murder? I must be truly sick I think.

rizdiz, of course you feel a duty ... she instilled that in you. Even if she was a lousy mother, she succeeded at that.

There is a middle way between abandoning her and allowing her to just about kill you. You can see to it that she has the care she needs, that she is safe and comfortable, without actually providing all the care personally. If she can't afford in-home care, help her sign up for assistance, such as Medicaid's Elderly Waiver program. One way or the other, you need to get out from under this huge load of stress.

Thanks jeannegibbs. Now this is really stupid. I think I am doing more than I need to! I could cut out some of the things I do that really are not related to her physical / mental health. I keep trying to let her know I am there to care for her, more stupid. How did I get here? Gees.

Riz you have taken the first step start detatching slowly-cuting down the time you spend doing her cares and needs-learn to say no narcissic people need to realize the world does not revole around them as you do it -it gets easier and the sky will not fall if all her expectations are not met as fully as she expects.

Thanks Austin. The thing that troubles me most is the out right lies she tells other people about my care giving. It scares me. I know her brain is deteriorating, but this really hurts me to the core. Should I be worried about what she tells other people? I over heard her talking to a doctor and I feel like I need to protect myself now ! Gees. The Adult Protective Police might show up at my door. The things she lies about are always money. Lord guide me.

The people who really know you and care about you will not believe the poisen she is spreading. I was reported to APS by a nurse who thought my house was too cludered but a case worker showed up and was very nasty.If that does happen get her name and title-the one at my house made me belive she was a social worker but the next day I looked at the card she had given me and she was only a case worker and I had called my daughter who worked in social services in another county and she told me they had no power-the thing to do is call her or his office and report them and ask for a social worker to come to your home and talk to you he or she will realize that she lies and also write down any lies she tells so you have a record. I was able to talk to a man running for office who just happened to have worked in social services and he reported the case worker who came to my house and called me to tell me plus the people at my church offered to write letters saying I was a good caregiver to my husband. Let her talk she will trip herself up before long and others will see that she lies. You have to have a good memory to get away with lies-I would not worry about her as I said the people who care about you will not believe her.The Lord will guide you and protect you.

Your story sounds like it was written by myself with the exception that my children live on opposite sides of the country and we do not have family gatherings.
My mother blames me for everything since I can remember, and I am also 60.
She is a mean woman and I didn't realize how bad her behavior was until the past few years. The medications for depression have done nothing to help her.
The mood swings are scary and I had to put away sharp objects because I feared that she would hurt one of my little dogs and then blame it on the dog. She would walk through a room with a knife or pair of scissors and my little dogs thought it may be a treat of some sort.
My cousin took my mother out of the nursing home because she said that they could live together as they got along fine. Mother has been there less than a month and I have had a few calls from my cousin who was a little shaken by my mothers demands and meaness.
I am removed from my mother by miles, and when my cousin called me three days ago, I heard my mother yelling insults after insults to me. Accusing me of sticking her in a nursing home which I didn't do. She had fallen and the hospital released her to skilled nursing and then mother's mental and physical health went downhill.
She had gotten strong enough to stand and walk a few feet and that is when my cousin went to get her out of the facility. I do believe the workers at the nursing home were glad to see her go.

I am sure they were-my husband was turned down by his regular NH rehad and I had to find another one which was much better and the social worker was so great the next time he needed rehab the first one wanted him back and I said no way -you did not want us now I do not need you.

Betterdays, please take care of yourself! Your health and your future have to be non-negotiable. If she is in a safe facility, then leave her there. Why let her come home? If it is her home, explain to the discharge planners at the facility that you cannot care for her and the facility therefore cannot send her home. She is now in their custody, so you are not abandoning her. If it is her home, then explain that you will not be there and they have to make arrrangements for her safe care (they are legally mandated to do so!). If your brother wants to bring her home, then the burden of care is entirely on him. He has control of her financial affairs? Then let him earn it. I get really disgusted with people who pretend they are doing such a wonderful caring job, when in fact it is other people who are actually doing the heavy lifting. Why feel guilty? You've more than met any obligations. If your mother is safely cared for in a facility, then you have met any moral obligation in Christian teaching. NOTHING in the Bible says anything about living under the same roof with your parent! If you are the one doing the work, then what you want is what should be done. Read Survived2's post - very long, so get a pot of coffee, but you will find it very very helpful (and a good read!)

My mom came home in July....she's now living in her house and driving again (lord help us all). We invited her to the beach for my birthday weekend and she acted horribly toward me. She actually slapped me - on my birthday....among other insults and verbal attacks. Then she actually had the nerve to tell my family members that I hit her. I am done.....she can live out her days in her house and drive her car (that the DMV certified her driving) and let nature take it's course. I have no vested interested in keeping her safe any longer.

You are not alone. My mother always blamed everything on me because I was the most independent, successful,etc. I always tried to help, but it was met with insults. My father( that I really ) loved died 3 years ago. I was going through a divorce at the time. I arrived for his funeral with my 2 toddler children to be met with anger, hatred etc. She kicked me out and I could not even attend the funeral. I never wanted money ( unlike my cat loving/ hoarding spinster sister). My mother and sister blew through all the money my father worked so hard for. I called my mother to wish her well ( after many attempts) and it was greeted with cool passive aggressive "call your sister" ( who verbally and physically attacked me in front of my kids) when I arrived ( flew 2500 miles) for the funeral. I am a physician and they always resented my success. The sad part is that I am physically ill and I informed my mother and she could care less. My advice, good riddance to toxic people. I would give the shirt ( which I have actually done) to my family, friends, a homeless person. I have always been giving, selfless to a fault. My mother's hatred has shortened my life. She never had friends. I was always her best friend and after getting married, having kids she resented me. I understand your pain. You are not alone. Big hug and do something nice for yourself. I would give anything to have a loving mother and sisters. Sadly, it was my father that loved me and if he knew about my medical condition, he would at least call. We are not all blessed with a "Walton-like" family. A shrink once told me, "your mother hates you". It took a long time to sink in, but she clearly does.

Oh, my goodness! Didn't think there was anyone out there like me! I am 47 recently remarried and everything has gone downhill because of my mother. She has always been controlling, too. My dad died in 2000 and I got divorced the same year and my daughter and I moved in with her to help. She has never been alone. She faked a heart attack at my wedding and tries to throw guilt about her being alone and helpless. She was dx with CHF put in nursing home and treated them hateful and now is in independent living doing nothing for herself. Refuses to take her meds, eat, shower, and sticks her fingers in her ears when you talk. Calls my 12 yr old daughter, "Hitler". I feel guilty that she doesn't eat and seeing her skinny bothers me. She runs off home health nurses that try to take her protime levels. We are told by one doc that she has dementia, another doc says just anxiety since she scored high on a cognitive test and MRI and CT scans taken seem fine. She is a stroke and cancer survivor so part of me chalks it up to that. Which is it or is she really this mean on her own? She's always been outspoken, but I can only go over there and stay 10 minutes before I can't stand it. She has always controlled my thoughts, but now that I'm remarried, I think she can't stand it. My brother left home at 18 so he hasn't had to deal with any of it. I hope I don't sound selfish, but I want God to heal her or take her.

You do not sound selfish. You have to take care of yourself. She sounds like my mother in many ways. It wasn't until I reached the age of 55 or so that I saw how controlling my mother is and that is from a distance.
She has been bullying me all my life and I didn't see it. Hard to see when you're in the situation.
Calling anybody "Hitler" sounds like my mother. She called the people at the nursing the ghestopo (misspell) Called the pill dispensing nurse "Nurse Ratched" from the movie.
Mom is still alive and staying at my cousins for now at my cousin's request. Cousin wanted the company and now probably wishes she had never brought it up. I don't want my mother living with me because she treats everybody horrible and I care about my own mental/physical well being more now than ever. And my husband would probably stay so far away that I would never see him. Husband of 40 years.
When I called the nursing home to tell them mom was not coming back after a week stay at my cousins, they didn't care. They probably wanted her out because she would upset other people with her comments and attitude.

im going through the same here dont no parent in no either sound mind need to treat the the child that god gave them like a non baring child of theirs.
my mother never said she love me i was abuse all my life my brother even abuse me.
im the only daughter my mom has she even want me to put my kids and husband
aside. she was and acoholic i was barley even born she drank while pregnant with me and smoke cigs myfather told me she wished she never had me before he died 2006 he told me this i was lucky to be alive. i have affects from being barley here but thanks to god immaking the best of it being here for my kids grandkids and husbabnd is all it takes to make me a better stronger person happier woman

YOU KNOW EVERYTIME I HUG MY MOTHER SHE KINDA HUG ME A LITTLE OR SNATCH BACK FROM ME .AND I HAVE TOLD MY MOM I LOVE HER SHE SAYS NOTHING AT ALL. I TRIED TO LOOK IN HER EYES SHE LOOK AT ME WITH PURE EVIL AND HATE FOR ME IN HER EYES THATS A DAM CRYING SHAME FOR I DONE BEEN THROUGH WITH MY MOTHER BUT SHES SICK AND STIILL DOES THE SAME HATE MEAN RACIST RUDE DOESNT GET ALONG WITH ANYBODY NEVER SMILE SHE SAYS I DONT SEE WHAT TO SMILE FOR I DONT NEED NO SMIRK ON MY FACE NOT IN A MILLION YEARS WHATEVER GOD GIVES ME TO LIVE I WONT BE LIKE HER I WISH GOD GAVE ME A LOVING GOOD NICE CARING PARENT WHY DID GOD GIVE ME HER

I GOTTEN ALONG WITH MY DAD I LOST MY DAD 2006 BEFORE I LOST HIM MYMOM ALWAYS ACTED ABUSIVE TO ME LEFT ME OFF TO MY BROTHER AGE 12 PREGNANT AND WENT TO VEGAS FOR 2 YEARS MY DAD WANTED TO KILLHER SHE CAME BACK AND GOT ME AND MY SON I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT BUT STILL THE SAME ABUSE UNTILL I WAS 17 I MOVED OUT THEN MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND I HAVE FIVE CHILDREN SHE TRIED DCFS TO BREAK MY FAMILY APART SHE HAD A CAR WRECK AND HAD TO BE PUT INTO NURSING HOME 2 YEARS I WAITED FOR MY BROTHER TO GET HER I LIVE 2.45 MINUTES AND ME AND MY HUSBAD HAD TO GO GET HER THEN TO NO APPRECIATION TILL THIS DAY SHE THINKS SHE DESERVE THAT MY HUSBAD HATE THE WAY MY MOM TREATS ME ALSO THE KIDS TO THEY ALL GROWN NOW THEY NEVER REALEY GO SEE HER THEY ONLY TALK THROUGH PHONE WHEN THEY'RE OVER MY HOUSE
I TRIED TO HUG HER SHE SNATCH FROM ME I TOLD HER I LOVE HER SHE SAYS NOTHING BAB CK SHE LOOKS AT ME WITH PURE EVIL ONLY PERSON I WISHED IN MY LIFE IF I COULD HAVE A SECOND CHANCE WOULD BE MY DAD I VE CRIED A DOZEN TIME WISHING I COULD OF LEFT WITH HIM BUT I HAVE SOMEONE HE'S SENT MY 2 GRANDSONS AND 1 MORE GRANDSON ON THE WAY DAD THANKS SOO MUCH FOR TELLING GOD TO SEND ME MORE GRANDSONS I KNOW IT YOU THROUGH SPIRIT

(((((((treadingwater))))))). It sounds to me thatr your mother is narcissistic. People like that are totally self centered and emotionally abusive. My mother is in an ALF and complains about the aides all the time. And she tries to suck me into things, and gets abusive when I don't cooperate. I am about where you are except I have pretty well shed the guilt. You have no reason to feel guilty. My mother has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and is narcissistic. I did not make her that way, and I can't fix it. What you have to do is protect yourself by distancing and detaching, Draw some boundaries. Brainstorm some ideas about h0w you can have a happy klife and enjoy your grandchildren. Narcissists will manipulate you through FOG -fear, obligation and guilt. You are NOT obliged to have her every holiday - especially when she ruins it for others. A suggestion - have your family holidays without her, and then if you feel you have to, offer to take her out for a meal instead, at some other time, or something like that, She will get mad, but what is new. You do not have to explain the change in the pattern - just either not invite her, or tell her the arrangements at your house have now changed. I have had to do that kind of thing with my mother. Eventually she has accepted it. You may have to develop a thick skin, as , if she is like my mother, she will drag others into it, and complain about you. My view has been that they will eventually figure her out, and if they don't, they have a problem too. I am not sayng it is easy, but it is better than having your life controlled by an abusive parent.

Good luck to you and others wrestling with this problem. ((((((hugs))))) Joan

Thanks to all who have responded to my initial post. An update now is that mom is in the nursing facility in the same place. Her dementia has progressed and she now has ugly, nasty, and violent dillusions. She is totally incontinent and doesn't even move unless someone moves her (makes no effort on her own). However, she is still able to complain about everyone and now is starting to complain about me ......She tells everyone what a disappointment her children have been to her and when she's not aware it's me she complains to me about myself.........I am at a point of not knowing what to do----should I keep seeing her and get my bi-weekly dose of abuse or should I just not go at all and live with the guilt..........I'm tired of talking about her and now when anyone asks me how she's doing I just say she is in "God's Waiting Room"

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))). I would say do what is good for you. Yu have carried this burden for your lifetime, as have I. I am 75 and my mother is 100, and going strong, My question is how long do I have to wait to put this burden down? I hear you saying the same except that you will be consumed with guilt if you do not go.to visit her. I have not seen my mother since spring. She lives in another city which does reduce the opportunities I have to see her, but I feel no obligation to visit her when I do go there. Have you ever been to counselling regarding the abuse and guilt/ That might be a good place forn you to start, in answering your own question, You have done nothing to feel guilty about, and have endured a lot of abuse. She planted guilt buttons in you long ago, so you feel obligated to put u with the abuse, and those are being triggered now. It wouod be good for you to deal with the guilt. To some extent guiltt seems to go with caregiving, and the general advise is to recognise that, and set it aside - not let it drive your behaviour. Guilt is not love - to her or to yourself. At the same time, I undewrstahnd you dilemma. BTDT. When my physical and emotional health was negatively affected the past few years from my relationship with my mother, I had to draw firmer boundaries. Maybe that is what you need to do. Visit once a month, for example, rather than once a week. Protect yourself from further harm is how psychologist Pauline Boss puts it for caregivers who are caregiving parents who have been abusive all along, Good luck and let me know what you decide. I don't think anyone should take abuse. ((((((hugs)))))) Joan

This is my second time to post in response. As the holidays are approaching, stay strong and push aside the guilt. Your mother has made her choice to act her way and drive people away.
My mother's birthday is on Christmas Day and I don't even want to send her a card for either because of her abuse. She lives two days drive away and I don't plan on going to see her. She is staying at my cousins house. My cousin and I talk frequently. The other day, my cousin told me that she thinks my mother is a little mean.....A little??? I warned my cousin when she wanted my mother to leave the nursing home to come and live with her. My mother needed to be in a skilled care facility and did regain her strength but was unable to return to her house which is a tri level. She had lived alone until last Nov. 2011. Then started falling down and having pain and hospital stays. I was going to bring her to the east coast and she took another fall and I decided the nursing home could keep her there until further notice at my mother being a self paid stay. Medicare only covered a few weeks of skilled care.
I had no brothers or sisters and put up with the abuse all my life. I am 60 in a couple of weeks and didn't realize the abuse until a few years ago. Moreso the past three years as my mother out right insults me terribly. Just thinking about her causes me to feel shaky (like post traumatic stress disorder) at times. I have to change my stream of thoughts to get off the negative things running through my mind. I wanted to get away from her as a teenager. WAnted to join the service to leave home easily and free in costs, and she said that everybody would be talking about me and acusing me of being a queer. This is the type of mother I had. I am reading about other people's mothers, and we all have been through alot.
I truly envy anybody who had a normal and wonderful parental upbringing.
My father is another whole abusive story. They divorced when I was 9 years old.
I know that most of us on this forum could write a book.
My husband and my two grown sons have never witnessed my mother's very mean side. She has, however, shown it to just about everybody else she has encountered.
I never knew my mother was a liar until this past couple of years. I have caught her in so many lies telling me what people have said or done, and then she trips herself and I know that she twisted a story. Very common thing from what I've heard from health care professionals. People want attention and say things to get sympathy.

TreadingWater - obligation to parents is simply to help if they fall into destitution - nothing further than that. If your mother is in a safe place, then you have met all obligations and why should you inflict her nasty behavior on yourself or the rest of your family? Enjoy the holidays as they were meant to be enjoyed. It is not your fault that she is a miserable person.