She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Yesterday, she drove me almost to heart attack, and I realized, that now I have to save my strength for my husband, who is very ill. I can not save my mother from herself. She refuses any help...
What I wrote here, may seems all over the place and I repeat things, but I ams very emotional and I am very upset to see my mother heading to complete distraction, and blaming me for everything that she messes up in a first place…
What can I say, I cannot tell you the story of my life on one page. It would not be possible… But I just want you to be able to understand why things the way they are and how did we get here…
My mother used to be an Art Historian, had her travel business and took tour buses on tours all over the globe. Her travel business was very popular and she was basking in glory. She was very good…
But only my late dad and I knew the other, dark side of her… How she abused him, once proud military man, and later an engineer, who became a submissive being that would do anything to be left alone. I saw my dad’s suffering, pained by her constant insults and demeaning, in front of everyone, until his death.
My dad and I lived under her control all of our lives. But, over the years, as I got older, I saw something else… I saw a narcissist that created her own "cult" in her mind, and treated anyone that didn't idolize her with discontent.
She spent all money they had on buying things and gambling at the casinos… Eventually, my husband and I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars, saving her from creditors and paying off her enormous debts.
She wasted everything they had, saying: “I live today and the hell with tomorrow. I'll figure something out."
And now, when tomorrow is here, she is penniless and what she has in her apartment is all she has …
After my dad died, I was living with her for over a month, so she would not be alone. I packed all her possessions, and my husband moved her to our house.
She was living with us for 8 months. We did everything we could to make her content. We bought her new furniture, new TV (you saw it), so she could watch her favorite shows, or sit outside on the patio and read her favorite books.
When she lived with us, I spent every single night tending to her needs, playing board and card games, talking to her, or watching TV, even though I was dead tired, coming home from work . On weekends, I took her shopping, or to the park, but nothing was enough. Nothing would please her. Every night she got hysterical and yelled at me, until one day my husband asked her to give me a break. I cannot describe what was happening after that… Every day, while she lived with us, was a living hell.
Living with my dad, my mother was used to everything to be done her way, but couldn't stand not having so much power, leaving with us.
I wouldn't go to casino with her, my husband did not want to sit and watch her shows, as my dad had to do. She wanted to run the household.
So, our life became a total nightmare that got progressively worse. She was screaming alone, in her room, how much she hates our house, and everyone in it, and threw things at me. I was her cleaning lady, her maid, her chaperon, her ears and her eyes.
And, still, she would tell her friends how I stole everything from her and my husband was stealing her social security checks. My husband works form home, so he heard all this. I started to lock our bedroom door, when we went to sleep, when she threaten to kill us.
One day, when she started throwing things at me, I had to call police. It was not a light decision. Many times, before that, I would pick up the phone and hang up, unable to do this. She was my mom…
Police came . She was hysterical and screaming. Then, the lady from the psychiatric hospital came to assess if she should be institutionalized. Mom was ranting and raving. It was horrible. They took her away, and she spent the next 4 moths institutionalized…
My heart was broken and it was very tough. I was crying everyday. How could I do this to my own mother, to the person, I loved, still… But my hope was that she will get psychiatric help and medication that would transform my mom into loving and normal person… Well it didn't help, because she found the way to hide the meds behind her dentures, not to get medicated.
The doctors and nurses suggested assisted leaving or nursing home for her, moving back with us was not possible. She refused all facilities, so the judge ordered her to be transferred to an Adult Home. She spent 6 months, there, refusing to take her meds and insulting anyone who displeased with her, until she moved into the apartment that she lives in now. She said once, when she was at that psychiatric facility, that she had never lost the game... and she will not lose this one.
And she won. She got her wish to live alone. She built here castle on my broken heart and my ruined life… She maybe won a game, but she lost a daughter...
Now, it is impossible to deal with her. She is getting more and more verbally abusive, paranoid and physically aggressive. She hates everyone, who does not go alone with here desires and accuses me of everything that's wrong with her life.
I have taken care of her, did everything for her, listen to every whim, spent our retirement money on her, hoping that things are going to get better. When she move into her building, I was hoping that she will make new friends, or just go downstairs and talk to people… but, it never happened. She is still miserable and said that people, living in her building, are beneath her.
Last week she accused me of stealing her driver license...
She told me to bring every single piece of paper to her and that she will handle her affairs herself - banking, phone calls, shopping, etc. This is considering that she can barely hear, see and walk.
She cannot get into a car, without me lifting her legs and actually putting them in. But she's still insisting that she can drive.
She takes a lot of pain meds, but wouldn't take meds that her doctors prescribed to help her depression, bipolar and numerous other personality disorders. She has a stash of drugs and takes whatever and whenever she wants, often overdosing herself.
It pains me to see how fragile she became and how incredibly depressed she is.
My absolutely firm belief that my mother cannot live alone, but if I utter a suggestion of, god forbid, nursing facility, she flies into a rage and throws things at me.
I can not bring myself to tell her that my husband is sick. I could not bear to see her vengeful smile and satisfaction in her eyes…
He once said to me: “Your Mother will destroy both of us and outlive both of us”, and, you know what, first part she successfully accomplished…
Please, please help me… I do not know what to do. Mo mom has one of her "episodes" today and I am at the end of my rope…
Can anyone help me? She is a very sick person and last two weeks have been hell. She scratched my hand so badly, that I probably will have scars forever now.
We did not talk for 10 days, after the episode in the car. I almost hit another car. She was screaming and cursing and calling me horrible names…
Now, today, she is off again. She was picked up to go to the doctor. First time, by herself. I can not take anymore time off to take her and have arranged for pickup. I knew it will end up badly, as she does not hear well, so whatever she does not hear, she compensates with her own version of events.
She told me that the doctor practically refused to see her and was very rude… I've heard all this before, as according to mom, everyone is out to get her…
So I said that I will call tomorrow to the doctor and see what the story is… She blew up and started accusing me that I do not believe her version of things… All I want to do is just to clarify and help her to understand…
She is out of control now and my nightmare is here… allover again…
Who can believe me, that mom needs help, who can believe, that I do not have any ulterior motive, when I say that she belongs in the institution, because she refuses to admit that she is ill…
I can not do this… I am so tired...
One of the people I love most in this world is Bipolar1. Support groups for families with bipolar were a real lifesaver for me. I highly recommend you find one and at least get some information about what it is you are dealing with. Please take care of yourself.
I'd call Adult Protective Services and tell them it is no longer possible for you to take care of your mother who has several severe mental health problems, and what can they do to take over because you are about to breakdown emotionally yourself.
Know that you did not make your mother the way she is. You can't control her nor can you fix her. All you really can do is to put yourself on a healthier path than she is on regardless of what she does or does not do.
So far, you mother has sucked every bit of anything she ever wanted right out of you and your life as a whole. She's going to take you down with her to the end if you don't get yourself out of there.
Can you talk with her doctor directly yourself about what is going on with your mom. Someone who knows her medical/mental history needs to be brought into the loop about this.
I'm sure others will have some ideas but this is my gut reaction to your nightmare of a story. Take care of you and keep in touch to vent and to let us know how things are going. We believe you and you will find others who will believe you.
I would think your late dad would understand what you are dealing with and the difficult choices you are having to make. I doubt that he would hold any of it against you.
Take care of you and your husband for about all ya'll have is each other and that's a lot.
I would imagine that your husband is upset. What would he like to see done?
I also found out that mthr was killing me little bit by little bit and that the only thing I could do to protect myself was to separate from her. Painful, temporary until I could get my life under control with out her, but so necessary. It was the first break from her craziness I ever had.
In order to protect your mom from herself, and you from being charged with elder neglect or abuse, I strongly suggest you call Adult Protective Services and tell them what is going on. Tell them that you can't go over one more time or you will have to check yourself in for care, and then who will take care of mom?
Yes, Turn her over to the state. They can take guardianship, tell her where to live, what meds to take, etc, and you can visit someday when your life is under control and she is medicated. But only then.
You are a good person and deserve to be treated as a good person. (((Hugs)))
I had to be in my 40s to really find them.
MamaJ - Keep in mind that the only person you can control in these situations is yourself. You may very well accomplish nothing by taking mom to therapy. Therapy can only help the person who wants to and is able to change. Therapy does not help people incapable of being objective, empathetic, introspective or comprehending the problem. E.g. dementia patients.
But you can accomplish a great deal by going on your own. You don't even need to tell mom about it. I recommend not telling her so she can't use it against you.
People with Cluster B personality disorders (narcissism, hystrionic, and borderline) are not helped with your vanilla family therapist. It has to be done over their entire lives almost with a very experienced therapist who specializes in Cluster B disorders. It has a high failure rate and they burn out therapists quite quickly. The outlook is not bright for those folks. Anti-psychotics and anti-depressants can help some, if they will take them.
One thing I had to do was go low to no contact for a long time. It was a matter of my survival. Heck no she didn't like it and she badmouthed me every chance she got, but what do I care? The family who really love me could see beyond this b.s. and they stayed in touch. The other family...well, it's their loss.
Mom's decline into a serious state of danger started to really concern me, and her ambivalence about it shocked me. I made a call to APS in her county and got utterly nowhere. They did a home visit and found absolutely nothing to escalate. Nope, not all the rotten food in the fridge. Not the unchanged litter boxes. Not the swamp of unwashed dishes and unwashed clothes. Not the stinking hoarder mess. Not the 85 pill bottles scattered around all over. Nope, nothing there they said, and went on their merry way. It was a small rural county, so I believe you have to be face down in your own excrement before they will recognize a problem. Maybe not even then. A new finding is a new case whish is more work they probably aren't staffed to handle.
My mom was sweet as pie in public and mean as a snake at home. Her affection was transactional or from obligation. I mean, she had to feed & clothe me. She had untreated mental illness and it's sad that all those decades of suffering and hardship on all our parts had to happen.
As I grew and started to differentiate myself from her she really started having a hard time. She was not equipped to deal. When my dad died, she went off the edge. She should have been in-patient, but they just prescribed more valium and buspar back then. When menopause hit, she went ever farther off the deep end so much so that any friend I might accidentally bring home with me would say how crazy my mom is. No boy ever came over twice, I can tell you that. She did some stuff that was just plain old messed up in an attempt to control me, isolate me, and strip me of any sense of self worth I might have had going as an introverted teenager.
But I went away, got educated, got married, and lived as far away as possible until it was crystal clear she was in a life endangering situation. I did what I never ever thought I would. I moved her to be near me. Many, many times I asked myself what have I done? Or more accurately, WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!!!
It was very difficult to do. If my husband hadn't been there through it, I would not have done it. It took a lot of extra therapy on my part to get through it. It took a lot of people on this site encouraging me, reassuring me, and sending me hugs on a daily basis to get me through it.
I did what I could to preserve her safety. Sometimes even now, I wonder if it was worth it, or if I should have let nature take its course. Who can know what was the better choice? Her life is not a life I would choose to have. Sitting alone at the very back of the memory care unit, as far from people and activities as possible because she hates everything. Any kind of commotion agitates her. Pumped up on 5 different bloodpressure meds and antipsychotics and anti dpressants, completely incontinent. I honestly cannot tell you if this is better than just letting the inevitable happen where she was.
mamaj - taking someone to a therapist is not advisable. Going yourself without her knowledge, as sandwich suggests, is the best way IMO. Sandwich is quite correct that treating personality disorders has very limited success and requires long term meds and the willingness of the individual to admit they have a problem and want to get better. Very few fit that model. In therapy, you can learn how to protect yourself, how to set and maintain boundaries, how to detach from the emotional blackmail and other manipulation, the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt that has been planted in you. In short, it is highly unlikely that she will change, but you can - to your benefit.
I am so very tired to ear the same thing from all the nurses and doctors and social workers how sweet andsmart mo mom is, how interesting her stories are. Oh , my mother, the actress, the great manipulator… She knows how to play the game… And I, with all my horror stories and plea for help, look like an evil daughter… I always hope, that the people in a position to help her will talk to her and convince her to start taking antidepressant or anything, that would help her… But they look at me with disdain, how dare I say all those things…
Then, when those people leave, my mom would sort of shrink and transform ito sad shadow of the old cheerful lady of 30 minutes ago… Her eyes become glassy, she starts complaining over the phone and within next 10 minutes thunger and lightening descend on my head… Sometimes, my husband say, that she is not sick and she is just pretend that she does not remember what she says, but I know my mom, she is absolutely ill and my dream is that she would take something and I will get my mom that I remember from my early childhood.. Beautiful smiling brilliant woman… Or maybe I want to remember her like that. I do not know anymore… Those days are long gone… She demends thousand things a day, she always needs something, anything , that would make me drop everything and go and bring it to her…
And, I noticed the most amasing thing… Whenever I tell her that I will not be able to come on Saturday, that we My husband and I will go and visit friends, 90% of the time, I will get a phone call from her, that she has favor, or horrible blood pressure or sore throat, that was not there in the morning… She would barely speak, whispering, that if she will not answer my call, do not get scared, she might go to the hospital…
So, being awful daughter, I am, and having a guilt trip, I would say good bye and I am so sorry and drive to her, only to find her watching TV and absolutely fine… And that happens every time… :( Oh, she knows how to make me squil…
Funny, right…? And I still love her. Why? What is there to love? She torchures me, hates me, makes me sick, literally and figuratively, and… I am still attached with those unbreakable ties, that called blood ties… Go figure...
I did not mean for you to take your mom to therapy. It's not FOR the crazy one, it's to defend yourself FROM the crazy one. YOU are the one who needs it to learn the strategies for defending yourself from her evil snares. It's like taking karate to learn how to fight off muggers, except you know you are going to use therapy lessons later in the day. I went out of my 1st session with a whole new out look on life. Don't tell mom you go, either, because she will look up how to work against your new defenses.
My mthr was evil to me. Pure evil. I don't know what your mom did to you, but I know what mine did to me. What really bugs me is that the sweet nurses at the memory care home tell me things like, "she's feisty, but I love yor sweet mama to death!" I just want to scream, no you would not if you knew the real her!
Why do we go back? Because our mthrs trained us to. They gave us scraps of love and made us beg for more. They made us this way for their pleasure, like teasing a poor puppy. Therapy gave me the power to say no and to let her be herself without it affecting me at all.
I did have to go no contact for a few months to start with, and later it was longer. (On this board you will see a lot of people have had to go no contact - there are a lot of mentally ill parents whose children need help dealing with them.) When Adult Protective Services tracked me down and asked me to help, I was glad to put her in a memory care where other people would take care of her and keep her/people who were near her safe. (Actually, it had to be my husband to pick her up and drive her because I thought she would shoot me, but, same difference).
Go to therapy. Tell them you are a child of a narcissist. If you don't get instruction in validating your self worth, instruction in protecting your psyche, and a heaping helping of kindness and understanding it's not the right therapist.
My mother showtimed her way through countless doctor visits for her entire life These poor schmucks with their professional credentials and salaries have NO IDEA how snowed they really are by these mentally ill people.
It was when I got mom into a different state where the culture really is different that things changed. There is Nordic stoicism, not Southern pandering and flirting and diminishing symptoms. Mom could NOT put on her act and have it work, which totally infuriated her and brought the palace down faster.
She was not a sweet little piece of pie any more that could wheedle and cover up and excuse everything that was a flaming red flag.
I actually have gotten calls from mom's sisters and doctors blaming ME for her condition. It's all because I moved out of state. It's all because I'm not right there in her living room at her knee, forsaking my own family and job to wait on her. I asked one doctor if HE was doing that for HIS mother. The unmitigated nerve of these yay-hoos. They do more damage than they can know.
Once we got mom into treatment and I met with the kindest, sharpest social worker who explained to me what borderline personality disorder was, did I feel like *not* the bad crazy one.
She had been gaslighting me all this time, twisting things so that she looked good and I looked like the problem. JUSTICE - finally! In came the geriatric psych, the psych nurse, the anti-psychotic meds, the new more controlled environment, and my Lord the sun came out for me for the first time. I felt like I could breathe air suddenly. I think I went around giggling to myself for a couple weeks. (No...that looks totally sane!)
Getting her dementia AND mental illness under control has set me free in many ways not possible otherwise. I wrote the family and told them everything, whether they wanted to hear it or not. Tough tooties. I have heard from 3 family and 1 friend of hers from the old neighborhood out of about 25 or so letters I sent to update on mom's condition.
I went through a stage where I felt guilty for feeling good. This passes. It felt wrong to be happy. I felt like there was always some other shoe to drop based on past experience. This just means you have more work to do and it will pass.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise. You can get through the dark valley. The people on this board are waving flashlights at you to come across and claim your life.
I showed the book Understanding the Borderline Mother to someone once and their response after reading part of it was who had written such an accurate description of their mother and their life.
Please do get therapy for yourself to improve your self-esteem, to set needed boundaries to stop walking on eggshells and to learn to really love yourself.
Know that you did not make your mom the way she is. Nor can you control her or fix her. All you can really do is put yourself on a healthier path and not let her drag you down into her hell. There is only one person who can stop the dance with the emotional abuser/blackmailer and that is the person who agrees to participate in the dance which the parent makes so challenging to do with their Fear, Obligation and Guilt trips.
However, with the help of a therapist, you can stop dancing. One important part of the dance to let go of is any idea that if you just love and sacrifice enough, then somehow they will be the parent that they never were. Not going to happen.
Go to a therapist and leave the F.O.G. that people on this site are shedding light upon so that you can see your way out. Take care of yourself and keeping coming back to let us know of your progress!
Surprise,sandwich and cmagnum I just read your posts to VeryTired. I really needed to read those things. Especially finding a therapist who you feel supported by. I like my therapist as a person but she is very passive in therapy. She tracks my progress with check list questionnaires that she has me answer every few weeks but she doesn't seem to remember a lot of what I have told her. We almost never talk about anything deeper than what has happened in our lives since our last session. It's a lot like chatting with a good acquaintance. I don't ever recall her asking how something made me feel. I think it's a style thing and I need someone who is more like you say sandwich.
It would bother me to have such a passive therapist with checklists of questionnaires, a poor memory and not talking at much depth. That sounds like basic supportive therapy but not someone who is doing cognitive behavioral therapy which goes much deeper.
I'd let her know that you want to go deeper and for her to remember your stuff better. If she's not up to that, I'd either ask for a referral to someone who goes deeper with a better memory or go search for one. Being nice is not enough in my book for a therapist to be a good therapist.
Since 2002, I've had 4 therapists and the current one since 2005. The first one, was good and gave me a lot of handouts to read, and she helped me greatly with learning some baby steps about boundaries. However, she had to leave the therapy group she was part of. The next one was great in helping me build some structure into my life (I'm on disability and no longer work), but she ended up having to leave the same therapy group because of her elderly parents. After that was a lady who I could tell lacked confidence in herself. Since 2005, I've met with a male therapist who has helped me greatly in the ares of dealing with my own issues about my mother. Find the therapist you need!
All of your stories, to a small degree, could of been written by me, exactly word for word… How's this possible. I guess I was right all alone when I tried to proove to multitude of strangers that mom is ill, very ill… No one beleived me… But now, when I see so many similarities, it means all our mothers share the same type of illness…
But, My question is, what can be done about it, if the sick refuses treatment…
If you read my first post, I mentioned that my mom was taken from our home to the psych facility.
I was so hopeful that they fix her, I was so, so hopeful… How naive of me… Noone bothered to talk to her much… Don't want to take your meds, dear? Oh that's OK… Cry your heart out, be miserable… As long as we, the doctors, don't trample your rights…
I came to America from Eastern Europe 35 years ago, withmom and dad.. I thought that I knew everything about laws of the land, and I probably do know 99 percent… But not, apparently when it comes to elderly mental care…One doctor, told me outright that until my mother forgets her name and what day it is, there is nothing they can do and she can not be forced to take anything..
How illogical it is, really… Forget about me , that my life is basically done and over. What about her?! I feel so bad to see her suffering from her own demons, crying nights and screaming days… Why there is no solution?! Why can't she be forced?! When we have sore throat, we take meds, right? to fill better? What about "sore" brain? Something wrong, so wrong… with this...
Simply put, you do not have mom live with you, you do *not* go with her to the Doctors/ hospital, and you **refuse** to pick her up or sign for her on discharge from the hospital (hopefully for 72 hour hold/Baker Act/5150,different names in different places), I expect the hospital would find a more appropriate placement than her home. In other words, when you were in contact as the worried daughter, the hospital was sure that mom would be taken care of. If you are not there, she will have to suffer the consequences herself. Not you.
The roommate was given the option to sign herself out of the MH facility, but the college told her if she did, she would be involuntarily removed from school. They urged her to voluntarily submit to treatment, and if she did, they would consider allowing her back on campus. The school held power you don't. It may be that no one holds power over your mom, and she may need to be "alone in the world" to be able for her children to gain that power. Another reason to leave her alone for awhile.
My suggestion is to get in therapy and go no contact while you build yourself back up. If she calls you and threatens to kill herself/others call 911 and report that suicide/murder threat at once. Don't wait. Make the call. And walk away. Take care of yourself first or you will drown trying to rescue the man in the water who will pull you under.
If you are dealing with a rational, sane person with their faculties, and you walked away from them, you may have a reason to feel some guilt or remorse.
Dealing with someone who is not in their right mind is a whole different ballgame. Whether it's addiction, mental illness, dementia, whatever. You can only do what you can and past that point you must let it go. Nobody is wonder woman or super man in these situations with magic solutions for Disney endings.
You can drive yourself insane too by dwelling on "If mom would just..." or "If I only...". If everything was perfect and mom was cooperative then there wouldn't be two million people on this website.
At some point you have to step back and have the clarity to realize that you have literally done all you can. You don't have to have any more plans or solutions. It is out of your hands. Give it up. Get into therapy, be nice to yourself, and get used to the new feelings you will have at this point. It won't be euphoria. It won't be relief. It will be weird but it does get better.
Shouldn't you tell *somebody* that you're done? Sure, if there is anybody to tell. Telling a social worker or APS may or may not mean squat. Our cultivated sense of responsibility to this parent means we think we need to do a clean handoff to somebody, somewhere. This may be a mistaken thought. It may not be possible. You may very well need to stop answering the phone, turn around, and walk away until you can find your own wellness and create a safe zone for your self.
What if Mom's lying there on the floor bleeding out her eyes? It might happen. I fit my mom with a lifealert button she never used once in all the times she fell. My mom was passively suicidal in the first place, so she had been trying to die for decades anyway. Maybe your loved one could use a fall response service.
The super unfair part of this is having to come to terms with the possibility of sad outcomes and our powerlessness to stop it. Dealing with the powerlessness and having absolutely zero control over a situation you think you should control is very, very difficult. Therapy can make a WORLD of difference in how you perceive things, respond to them, and accept your right to a life and your own happiness.