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She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.

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I know it is hard taking care of the person that you never had a good relationship with you never hear people talk about a bad mother or father only how blessed you are to still have them, but we know that is not always the case. You have to focus on you and the reason you stepped up to the plate. My mother refuses to acknowledge that I am her daughter and she is in my house but she remembers everyone else we have the same conversation everyday of who I am and why she is here. You have to get past what is not there and never will be and focus on your feelings to not having bad thoughts that only hurt you and make you sad find something that you can do to feel good for yourself. Believe me you are not alone and you are not selfish, let go of your guilt your feelings are there for a reason, talk to your children and tell them the truth my children have been so understanding but tell them to go with their own feeling for your mother and not use your experience. I use to tell my brothers that nothing says you have to like your parents but deep in your heart you still love them. Try to take it a step at a time and dont spend time listening to negative talk take back your headspace and be peaceful within yourself good days and bad days make them yours.
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@Justsurviving

The next time your mother calls you a b*****d or starts up with any verbal abuse or insitgating please tell her the following:

'Shut the hell up. If you want me to help you, then you damn well better learn how to control your mouth, or I will abandon you and the state will take over. Good luck in the crappy nursing home they dump you in'.

I'm pretty sure this will shut her up. If it doesn't stop doing for her.

Then walk away. Ignore her. Don't take her calls and don't help her. Let her fend for herself. There's nothing wrong with you. Your mother like mine is a master at gaslighting and that is abuse.
The paperwork you did for her should have been torn up in pieces then thrown in her face then you walk away. That's what she'd get from me. Believe me, she'll learn to curb her abuse because she can't manage without your help.
Ignore her though. She wants attention and a fight. Don't engage with her and don't give her the attention she craves. In fact, don't give her any attention at all.
My mother pulls crap like this all the time. There was a reason why I didn't speak to her for six years and did not have her at my wedding when I married my second husband. She did try to make some genuine amends and I gave her a chance, but old habits die hard.

Your mother's half-baked excuse of 'I was angry' is unacceptable. It is not an apology and you should not treat it as one. She will never apologize. Abusers never do, but they can learn to keep their abuse in check. You will never be able to discuss any ways that she's hurt you because all abusers live in denial. Either they believe they are the one being abused, or the person they abuse has it coming because they drive them to it. There's no reasoning with that, so don't even try.
Honestly, if I were you I'd take a step back. Stop helping her for a while. Don't bring her anything and don't do anything for her other than the basics. Don't even do that if you can get a hired caregiver to come and do it. If she decides to get "stubborn" and not accept the hired help, tell her she can starve then. Good luck to you.
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Hi Justsurviving!

You wrote: "Well did you ever consider there's something wrong with you?"

Abusers always blame the victim.

You won’t get empathy from the abuser. You’ll get empathy from friends.

“And now as I try to protect myself from continuing abuse, I realize that I may never get past the scars that have never, and will probably never heal.”

You’ll heal. Do everything you can, to heal.
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When I was in high school, my mother told me that she wished I had never been born. Flash forward to my mom at 88, and she still acts like she wishes I was never born. If anything, she's worse. Tonight she called me a bastard because I handed her the paperwork that I printed out for her from her financial group and tried to show her where to sign. When I tried to talk to her about calling me names again, she said, "Well, I was angry." I then found myself in another draining conversation about how horrible I am because I don't do anything for her. When I told her that I brought up a warm pastry to her just that morning and that I had agreed to drive her the next day to get more incontinence underwear, she said that the roll didn't "excuse" everything else that I had done or hadn't done that day. Nothing is ever enough and when I tell her that one of her comments has hurt me or I try to set boundaries, she flings something else at me. Today, she said, "Well who else calls you names?" I assumed she was talking about my abusive ex-husband, but she was talking about a niece who was nasty to me recently. This is despite the fact that my mother 100% agreed with me just the other day that the niece was rude without cause. My mother told me today,, "Well did you ever consider there's something wrong with you?" She wants me to believe that she is justified in calling me names. Because others have treated me this way, it must be me. I must deserve it. I would say that yes there is something wrong with me. I had a mother who was emotionally abusive to me when I was a child and so when my husband told me I was useless and unloved by everyone, I believed it - for a time. And now as I try to protect myself from continuing abuse, I realize that I may never get past the scars that have never, and will probably never heal. So no, I don't think you should feel guilty. Save yourself.
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At times, the human condition is very demonic as it feeds on killing, stealing and destroying both the possessed and those touched by the possessed.

There are places which I call "the gates of hell on earth." These are found in unlikely places and likely places.

The challenge is to seek freedom, damm the torpedo's and take no prisoners on your way out. It's not as easy as slip out the back Jack, but it can be done and is done, more often than not with help.
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dear witsend,

hug!!
you said:
…“demonic”
…“i never believed evil was a thing until i realised how obsessed with abusing me my mother is”
…“i dont understand why anyone would want to be so horrible for their entire adult life.”

——
unfortunately, i understand you. unfortunately = because it means i also have an abusive elderly LO.

“but no .. if anything she doubled down!”

terrible. some people indeed behave even worse when the spouse dies.

“i still can't understand how my mother is SO horrible”

i empathize. i’m shocked too, by how i’m treated.

remember:
they feel good when you feel bad.
indeed, the more destroyed your life is, the happier they are.

my mother is jealous. i bet your mother is jealous of you too.

imagine a life free from abuse. then reach that goal. somehow. otherwise it’ll be another year of abuse, and another, and…
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you are not alone.
i never dwelled on my mothers relentless bullying of us all because it never seemed to have any value. I left home as soon as i could but she made it very hard to.
After my dad died, i assumed my mother at least understood that we needed to stick together and comfort each other. .. that its a life-changing moment for people when their parent dies .. but no .. if anything she doubled down! she got angry and even made fun of me if i tried to do anything to help me or to help her (she's never done anything for herself so it not like i'm messing anything up).
I was very shocked and subsequently got some sort of ptsd from my mother doing anything she could to hurt me as i tried to grieve.
i never believed evil was a thing until i realised how obsessed with abusing me my mother is. demonic is the only word i can give for her behaviour.

no child wants to believe their parent doesn't love them, and parents very easily get away with appalling abusive behaviour for decades without consequence.
i still can't understand how my mother is SO horrible .. i dont understand why anyone would want to be so horrible for their entire adult life.

society has a very important role to play in making plain what emotional child abuse is. There is a persistent minority of parents across all backgrounds who aren't caring for their children
The mental health and competence of parents are not a personal matter i'm afraid .. just like the mental health and competence of a teacher or a doctor needs to be assessed and reviewed regularly.
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I agree with BOJ.
”99.999999% of abused adult children are female”

The comment isn’t about who was abused as a child. The comment is about current abuse by the elderly parent.

The fact is that out of those adult children caring for their elderly parent - the ones who are abused by their elderly parent - are definitely mostly daughters.

Sons are sometimes abused by their elderly parent, but it’s rare. For example, much more commonly the mother is very grateful for her son’s help; on the contrary, the mother uses her helping daughter as a whipping post, lashing out her frustrations on her daughter.

I’m a man. I care for my uncle. He’s a nice man. I’m lucky to never be abused.

I have many female friends who are treated horribly by their elderly mothers, or MILs. My female friends are getting abused by the same people they so kindly help. It is almost always the mother against her helping daughter.
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Here's the researched facts.

U.S. Child Abuse Statistics

Child abuse statistics on the approximately 1.8 million reports of child abuse investigated by Child Protective Services in fiscal year 2010 include:

436,321 child abuse reports were substantiated

24,976 child abuse reports were likely true but could not be proven under the law (indicated)

1,262,188 child abuse reports were found to be unsubstantiated (not provable under the law)

Approximately 60% of the child abuse reports were made by professionals, while 9% were reported anonymously and parents reported only 6.8%.

Child Abuse Facts: Who Was Abused

Children of all ages and backgrounds are abused in the United States every year.

Approximately 9.2 children out of 1000 were found to be abused in fiscal year 2010 (some of those children being abused more than once within that year).

Other child abuse statistics include:

Victims less than one year old had the greatest rate of child abuse with more than 2% of children being victims of child abuse

Girls were victimized slightly more often than boys at 51.2%

88% of victims were of ethnicity:

African-America – 21.9%

Hispanic – 21.4%

White – 44.8%

It is a jaw-dropping child abuse fact that approximately 1560 children died of abuse or neglect in the United States that year.

As in previous years, most children suffered from neglect. Statistics on the type of child abuse include:

Approximately 78% of child abuse victims suffered child neglect

Approximately 18% of child abuse victims suffered childhood physical abuse

Approximately 9% of child abuse victims suffered childhood sexual abuse

Child Abuse Statistics on Child Abusers

Child abuse statistics show that there were 510,824 child abuse perpetrators in fiscal year 2010 and a significant number of them committed more than one act of child abuse. Statistics on perpetrators of child abuse include:

Parents were responsible for more than 80% of child abuse and neglect cases

Other family members were responsible for 6.1% of the child abuse

Women are the perpetrators of child abuse more frequently than men at 53.6%

36.3% of perpetrators of child abuse were between the ages of 20 and 29

More than 80% of perpetrators of child abuse were between the ages of 20 and 49

APA Reference
Tracy, N. (2021, December 17). Child Abuse Statistics and Facts, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, September 19 from www dot healthyplace.com/abuse/child-abuse-information/child-abuse-statistics-and-facts.

The unknown is the real number of male victims of abuse since that tends to be greatly under-reported and often not believed to be true.
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dear abused people on this forum, in particular daughters (because 99.999999% of abused adult children are female),

so…
dear abused daughters,

please don’t listen to all the garbage, lies, brainwashing, psychological warfare against you. you’re the opposite of what they say/said to you.
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dear golden,

hug!!! i totally understand you.

i wish you to totally heal — i wish us all to totally heal. we deserve it.

you’re very kind - and of course because you’re very kind, you never abandoned your mother (even though she was abusive).

many years of abuse/toxicity by both your mother (106!!) and sister.

——
i only realized in 2020 (after my brother said something to me), that he’s identical to my abusive mother. (i thought he was a bit better).

i have 3 brothers: all toxic/abusive.

“To continue, I needed much distance - emotional and geographical - for healing, and to remove myself from the abuse asap when I was, by necessity, closer.”

i totally understand. in fact, i normally live somewhere else (not on purpose; not to get away; but because that’s where i live). i’m currently visiting, helping - out of necessity. i can do many things from a distance, but certain problems really must be done with me physically here.

“I am 85 now and finally free from the toxicity.”

THANK GOODNESS you’re free. awful you were forced to wait many years, till liberation.

you know, the more i think about it, the more it REALLY is liberation. what these abusive mothers are doing to us is WAR.

psychological war. and just like in war, you (golden), experienced LIBERATION.

that also means that i’m still in the middle of being attacked, by my mother waging war against me.

“Lifetime relationships with abusive people cause much harm. Healing takes work, support, and time in a safe environment.”

totally agree, and as we’re both saying, one hurt/abuse gets piled onto the last hurt/abuse. when can one heal?

i wish us to heal.
one thing i should do, is have a clear image in my mind of what a healed-me looks like. then i know if i’m approaching the goal.

some of us don’t even realize how damaged we are by years of abuse: we know of course, that it’s affected us. but we might not realize the full extent.

i wish us all to achieve FULL healing, asap. time is of the essence.

please don’t listen to all the brain-washing from the psychological warfare. you’re/we’re the opposite of what they say/said.

hug!!

bundle of joy (normally i really am)
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bundle - "part of the problem with a toxic/abusive/narc parent, is that it never stops. and while you’re busy healing from the most recent insult/scream/etc., you get insulted again. you never get a chance to really heal."

That was my experience, If you can achieve detachment with compassion, the harm is lessened. To continue, I needed much distance - emotional and geographical - for healing, and to remove myself from the abuse asap when I was, by necessity, closer. Hence staying in hotels and visiting infrequently. There was a point when I didn't answer any phone calls as all of them were very abusive. Mother was being well cared for by others and if there had been an emergency I trusted the staff to contact me. Many of her "crises" were self induced.

Healing is coming now as mother passed a few years ago (age 106) and I cut contact with my sister (similar to mother and they worked the abuse together) once the estate business, totally handed by mother's lawyer by my direction as executrix, was finished. I am 85 now and finally free from the toxicity. I have questioned myself if it was wise and kind to me to stay in contact, be POA and executrix. It wasn't. The overriding factor for me was that my sister would have taken over mother's care if I had removed myself, and I would not have wanted my worst enemy to have that experience. She had clearly demonstrated that she was interested in mother's money, not her welfare. I didn't care about the money but I did care for mother as another human being, if nothing else.

Lifetime relationships with abusive people cause much harm. Healing takes work, support, and time in a safe environment.
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Absolutely Not I completely understand different senerio but same concept what I learned is that my guilt was so unbearable that I some how turned my guilt into loyalty if that makes any sense ? No matter what this person said or did I was always their for them until I decided to allow myself to be happy and be around people who made me want to be a better person I started to believe I deserve too be happy it just started too fall into place I let go and made my peace with myself no excuses no explanation when your done your done the loyalty is too your self no one else keep that in mind always the best too you
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i’m thinking about people who are in abusive situations…

part of the problem with a toxic/abusive/narc parent, is that it never stops. and while you’re busy healing from the most recent insult/scream/etc., you get insulted again. you never get a chance to really heal.

what to do while being abused?
sometimes earplugs might work - but there’ll always be a moment, where you must communicate with your abusive parent (unless you totally cut contact), and that’s when you’ll be abused — forever until they die.

i think, sometimes ignoring insults is a good idea. but i don’t think it’s a good idea all the time. sometimes you must stand up against the insults. correct the facts, defend yourself.

it’s damaging to your mind to hear constant insults, and just stay silent.

it would be nice if there’s a great technique against verbal abuse - but in the end, the fact is, all this abuse damages you.

most likely you’ll notice it on your body/face. most likely putting on weight, comfort eating in the middle of this psychological war against you, by your parent.

maybe it helps to understand what’s going on:

it’s a war. they’re psychologically waging war against you.

——
it’s also some sort of competition. the abusive parent is competing against you. very often it’s mother against daughter; and the mother is trying to say that she’s better than her daughter. every insult is an attempt at destroying the daughter’s self-esteem.

——
since it is a war against you, it means there’s a “winner” and “loser”.

if you’re unhappy, all worked up (justifiably) by the insults, angry, getting fat…

your abuser feels like they’re “winning”.
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@eat-pray-love

Good for you refusing to play your mother's abusive games.
The games stop when the players stop.
You are the absolute opposite of a "wimp". A wimp will quietly go along with mommy's abuse and obey her every command. You're not doing that and good for you.
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dear eat-pray-love,

hug!

“I told her my heart can't take all the negativity and yelling. She told me I was a "wimp" yesterday.”

awful.
what she’s doing is, psychological warfare.

she’s waging war against you. hence you can never fully relax. and then she’ll wage another war, and another, and again.
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Can you do what I do??!! My Dad passed in Jan. I saw the writing on the walls from having discovered this forum a bit before that. Tell her "change up...we are celebrating the month of December...the holidays vs just making the 24th or 25th..the day." We see my Mom on the 23rd and bring goodies and a meal & we do her tree up beginning of the month... I tell I do not drive the freeways on the holidays and I need peace of mind on the actual day.. I tell her my Kids celebrate with their Dad's side of the family the actual day...and I just want to be alone (stretching the truth) but it worked... We have to place ourselves-our mental & physical health over all. We need to put up the boundaries, no matter how hard. My Mom gives me hell (yesterday was a picnic with her) but I will am not her sacrificial lamb til the end of time. She does not get to dictate all of what she wants. Other peoples feelings matter. My Kids are the same. I will not force them to join me twice a month when I drive the 2 hrs there...and back (same day). I never spend the night. This would set a precedence. I know her too well.. Tell her I have to get back on the grind--work.. I call her every day ..but now I am telling her for my health if she goes to the negative-yelling & cussing (nice) I will sign off. I can't handle the stress... I am 58 and in great health, even though she's trying to kill me.. I told her my heart can't all the negativity and yelling. She told me I was a "wimp" yesterday. Nice.
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The reason I joined this group is to hopefully realize that I am not alone in my struggles with my mom. I'm so grateful that i now have a space to write out my feelings with people who are empathetic and familiar with the situation. My mom is 87. She has lived with my husband and me since my dad passed away 11 years ago. She has always been a narcissist and I have always been a people pleaser. She has burnt so many bridges with so many people and she doesn't realize it. I try to think that we are in her last chapter and I should be celebrating her life as it nears the end but today Im just ready to get her out of my life for good. Both of my kids have moved out - mostly because of her controlling nature. My husband is an angel and I honestly don't know how he puts up with her. She treats both of us like we are stupid and talks to us like children. We can't call her out on her angry complaining ways or she'll start crying and we'll have to end up apologizing (a therapist would have a field day with me!) to move on. Everything is about her, and if it isn't she's angry and won't speak. I can't go to the grocery store, or a mall without her telling me shes coming with me. If I'm talking to my husband in the kitchen and she's in the other room she accuses us of whispering. We are moving to a new home, and we have to put our dog down sadly today - I think all of the change, all at once is culminating in this most recent bad mood. I am trying to tread extra carefully but I'm afraid I'm at my tipping point. I'd like her to go to a retirement home because I think not only would she have a social life which she doesn't have now - all she has now is candy crush and the news on repeat all day long...I think she may be happier. I broached the topic and we've had a tour and she seems to love it - for other people but not herself she says. I can't go out at night with friends, I've cancelled invitations to weekends away all because I can't leave her alone. I don't think she appreciates all I do for her - I focus all my energy on her all of it - when it should be focused on enjoying this empty nest stage with my husband. I know I can't please her but yet I still try and I know it won't make a difference. She'll still complain about my daughters boyfriend, or my husband, or the weather, or the bumps on the road that hurt her back when shes in the car, or whatever she can find to complain about.
BUT while I can't change her, I don't know how to help myself move forward - I'm burnt out, emotionally drained, exhausted, anxious and stressed out all by the one person who is supposed to love me the most in this world.
funny...well not really but, I've written her obit half a dozen times in preparation of that day...I can't find anything nice to say about her. I can't say she loved her sister - she no longer talks to her, or her grandchildren - other than mine, they don't talk to her.
It's an awful time. You all know what it's like and I'm just grateful to find a place to get some thoughts out of my head and onto this keyboard.
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I hear ya! My mother had a years long affair with my dad’s brother. The entire family would have been better if he would’ve divorced her. He recently died. She made it all about HER as expected. He was in hospice care, multiple ailments, and looked like a skeleton with skin and open sores. As he lay there actively dying she put on a show for EVERYONE! “He’s going to be with me another year!” “Why? Why did this have to happen?” He was 86 years old. She’s 83. She called in the hospice nurse early one day because she was convinced I was killing him with the morphine. I’m an RN. She put on her “I’m a sweet little girl” show for the hospice nurse. “He’s going to be alright isn’t he? He’s going to be with me for another year!” I know who she REALLY is. One hour a day EVERYDAY b******g and complaining about anything and everything. I stayed all summer 3 years ago to care for her when she broke her hip. She belittled and demeaned him every chance she got. Basically, she was only “happy” making him miserable.
Now that he’s dead, she will have to have someone to hate on. It’s me. I blocked her, a sister and a stoner brother when I left MY DAD’S house for the final time. She now tells others she hates me, she disowns me (hallelujah!), I’m a drug addict (I showed zero emotion for her stupid manipulative games while dad was actively dying) and I’ve been on an anti-depressant for 13 years.
She has “one beer” everyday on her porch. Magically there will be 3 cans hidden behind the cushions for her “one beer”. She is wickedly cruel behind everyone’s back always stirring up trouble (especially between the four adult children) and then plays ignorant when things blow up. I hate her. I always hoped my dad would outlive her and find a woman who would treat him with kindness.
My dad and I had a special bond. When I came to his house for his final days (to make sure he died a dignified and comfortable death) he asked, “So you think I’m going to die?” I said, “Yes. No one here gets out alive. But I don’t think you’re going to die today!” I asked him, “Are you Ok, Dad?” He replied, “F#*& No!” And we laughed.
I never saw my mother kiss him as many times as she did when he was dying and unresponsive. LOUD kisses on his open mouth. “Don’t leave me! You can’t leave me!” Made me sick. She did everything she could to make him miserable his whole life. Lied about everything. Complained about everything. Nothing he ever gave her was enough. How many times did I hear her say, “I DESERVE (whatever someone else had that was better than what my dad gave her) that!

I really think you have deserved every right to have a peaceful Christmas without your nasty mother there ruining it. Shut that door to the past nastiness she brought. Lock it. I’m now 63. I slammed that door shut and it’s locked. I helped my dad die a pain free death. I watched him going through the transition of the spiritual release and I smiled. I was happy for him. It was beautiful. I’m the only one who stayed up all night long giving him the meds every two hours. I feel good about helping him die peacefully no matter how many doors and drawers my mother would slam when she was awake trying to make him stay awake too.

Be proud of how many years you tolerated her hate and now get rid of it. Hateful people seem to live forever. You earned a peaceful time in your and your children’s lives!
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I am wondering if I will end up like my mother. Will I be manipulative and abusive? Is it inevitable?
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Hi, I am going through the same thing. Luckily, my mom is in great health for 82 but she's the most narcissistic person other than my 3 brothers.
My dad passed away 6 years ago, and since his passing, the mental abuse has gotten worse. My brothers turned against each other, all of them turned against me, and I've been threatened by all 3 and assaulted by one just for trying to help in situations I've been asked to help in.
My mother has always loved my brothers more than me, she's blamed me for all her failures and blames me for my brothers' narcissism.
The only person in my family that ever showed respect for me was my dad, he was my hero.
My mother would take responsibility for all my achievements, and claim had it not been for her, I wouldn't have achieved all the things I've worked hard for my entire life. I never ONCE borrowed money from her, in fact, I've given her more money back when she'd give me money for birthdays and Christmases. I want nothing from her and asked her to remove me from her will because I am deathly scared of my brothers.
They are all gaslighting me and threatening to have me Baker acted for no reason. I've had a career for 32 years and retired, started another career, have owned 2 homes on my own, own a small business and work a 9-5, and never once needed anything from anyone.
Recently, she spent the weekend at my house and I asked her to call when she got home like I always do. It was 45 minutes and she still had not called, she wouldn't answer my calls so I jumped in my car and drove to her house. There was a car in the driveway I did not recognize and the gate was open
I walked toward the gate and called out Mom? I heard a blood curdling scream, and I mean it wasn't a normal scream of being spooked. I yelled out Mom! And there she was with my younger, evil brother that calls himself satan and his friend that he's insulted so many times. She turned around and said " you scared me!" Completely overplayed..I said "you couldn't have called?" ..and i walked to my car and tried to leave. She came up to the car, after she made me out to be the bad guy in front of the boys, and said she didn't have a chance to call. I said whatever as long as you're ok. I get a call later with her screaming at me, telling me she's old enough to take care of herself and why did I have to call her friend and drive over? I said I had to go and hung up. She called back again and asked if I wanted to come over, I said no I have to work early. That night I received a text from my brother's friend telling me that I need therapy and there's something wrong with me because I was worried about my mom.
I know my mother like the back of my hand, she made something as innocent as this into something bigger because she knows my brother hates me and she always has to be the center of a man's attention. He lives off of her and he's always been her little baby that can do no harm. I called her and told her what he and his friend did and she didn't want to hear it again. She lost her mind, screaming at me so I hung up.
There is no winning with a narc mother, she will hate you for all your good and embrace all the bad in the kids she loves. I've decided to walk away. The mental abuse, and sometimes physical abuse when my dad wasn't looking, has been enough for me. I don't have family anymore, I've decided to love myself and stop giving to people that have no use for me unless I'm giving.
It's taken me my entire life to get to where I am emotionally. I've always loved my mom and brothers despite the abuse, but truthfully, I don't like them as people. They are the most narcissistic, gas lighting, inhuman, dark souls I've ever met.
My dad was an angel and even they've talked bad about him.
Walk away, don't let your mother steal everything left in you. My mother has ruined my relationships with boyfriends, friends and family members, all out of jealousy.
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I have an elderly mom that can never behave herself around others--she is rude, makes nasty comments - very much like a toddler. She is also very hateful toward me and only "behaved" somewhat well when my dad was living as he would tell her not to do certain mean things that she did. Now it's full-blown narcisism. I hope you get to have some joy and peace especially during your holidays. Life is too short to be around someone so hateful.
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No you’re not alone. You’re lucky she’s in a facility. You can now visit as much or as little as you want.
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You are not alone, I have both my parents that live in their home with carers at leat twice a day. My farther is lovely, no issues with him, always trying to work with the care providers and a happy disposition despite having cancer and parkinsons.
My mother on the other hand has been nasty and controlling all her life, she is verbaly abusive to my farther and until she became bed bound was on occasions physically violent towards him.

She controls from weakness, crys when challenges to her viewpoint are made.

I have never got on with my mother and being an only child have no sibling support.

Fortunathly, I do not, and have never suffered from depression, but I can sympathise with your situation and fully understand how looking after your mother could bring on bouts of depresson.

My father is 91 and my mother 81 so whilst my father is at end of life my mother could go on like this for ten plus years, and I am sure her nastiness will only grow with advancing years.

Please try and shed that guilt, as carers we only do what we do. I am sure you do all you can in a tricky situation and don't neglect your relationship with your children because of your mother.
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Hi TreadingWater, this was sent so long ago but it's worth replying to. I feel for you because I am currently feeling the same way about my 88 year old mother, I am 57. I am an only child, I had a miserable upbringing, my parents fought constantly, shouting and throwing things, mainly her. She is truly psychotic and a horror show. Now she is old with dementia. She is rude, nasty and speaks to me like I am a piece of pooh. This is not always but she takes complete offence at everything that comes out of my mouth, if I don't say anything she complains that I am miserable. My best friend, who knows her, told me to walk away permanently and leave her to rot. This is because she witnessed my mother not helping me at all when I had a premature child at 30 weeks, she didn't care at all. I hate here. Sorry, this is cathartic for me I guess
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I truly wish there was more assistance and support for caregivers and adult children living with abusive/ mentally ill/ mentally declining elderly parents. There are so many of us living in silent agony every day at home but there are few opportunities to find each other in our communities and meet in person. Nor are there enough local resources to assist us in helping care/babysit difficult parents.
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Hang in there. I so know how you feel.
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HanaLee,

I know what it's like because I've had to deal with it. For a few years I was working full-time for two invalid, incontinent dementia clients.
One crapped and peed all over the place on the way to the bathroom. Then overflow the toilet with paper. It would be flowing all over the floor for me like a geiser of toilet water, piss, and watery crap. Talk about Old Faithful... The other would get on the portable commode next to her bed in the living room, crap her brains out, then tip it over daily right onto the already filthy wall-to-wall carpeting trying to get up from it. I finally just put her in diapers. She was none too pleased, but it was the only way
Then after my paying workday was done I could come home to my mother's sh*t bucket filled brimming with a whole days worth of pee and crap. Then deal with her anxiety flip-outs and fight insitgating until bedtime.
I get you, sister. Believe me I do.
Please consider some in-home caregiving help. Or even putting your mother in a nursing home for a bit of a respite break. Yu do not have to be her caregiver anymore. You don't have to and maybe she's at the point where she needs to be in a facility. She sounds like too much for one person.
Also, stop trying to take her out, or do things with her, or give her things she might enjoy.
Like my mother, yours doesn't want to enjoy anything. She doesn't want any joy or pleasure or even hope in her life.
They only want disappointment, misery, discord, sadness, and resentment.
Stop breaking your own heart over and over again trying to please her or trying to get her to enjoy something. It's not going to happen. You deserve better.
Please for your sake look into some homecare or placement. Good luck.
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I alone am taking care (and live with) my 94 year old nasty, non-stop complaining bitch of a mother. She has been nasty and mean her whole life, with bouts of normal behavior thrown in. But she and her mother were like this from what I am told. There is without a doubt an element of mental illness involved. But now she is sick with a terminal illness and is miserable every single day. She does not even try to be positive in any way. And I am stuck taking care of her and I hate it, and I don't feel one ounce of guilt about it. I have had to take care of her since my father died 3 years ago and it has been absolute hell. Every time I would take her anywhere, she would undoubtedly piss me off and ruin my day. Trying to do anything with her is difficult. She just sucks the life out of me. She does not appreciate anything I do for her or the fact that my life is devoted to her care. She is nasty and complaining yet I am supposed to be happy about it. I do love her deep down, but most days I just cannot stand her. I am tired of cleaning up poop and pee and literally wiping her ass of all the poop stuck to it. She started making noises about 3 months ago, and instead of calling out my name, I hear moaning and groaning and I guess that means, she has to go to the bathroom. It is beyond annoying. I tell other people about it, and they say, yea, I know it's hard, but she probably doesn't feel well. And what about me? I am the live-in maid, aide, and have to put up with a nasty old woman who is acting more like an infant with each passing day. I have passed the burn-out stage months ago.

I think one of the biggest problems is her incontinence. She manages to pee or poop in the bed or on the floor and without a doubt her foot is always rubbed right in it. She came home from hospital and they stupidly didn't take out her Foley catheter. Nurse came and removed it next day. Well, I went to check on her later that night, and there was brown liquid all over the bed pad, all over the sheets, all over her and she has her hand moving around in it and of course her foot. I had to get the bed pad off the bed, get her diaper off, put a towel on the fitted sheet because of the mess, put a new sheet on top and try to clean her up. What an absolute mess. I did laundry with bleach to get it all out. Supposedly it was old blood, that is why it was brown, from the catheter. This is what I deal with. To all those who tell me they know it's hard. No, actually you don't know, because you have never had to deal with it.
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THANK YOU! Thank you for writing your honest experience. I have been staying up late searching the internet for someone else who is living something similar. I am having similar challenges with my mother, which are coming to a head with her recent diagnosis of incurable cancer. I am my mother's only child. She has lived alone for years. She has multiple chronic physical health issues that I know make her life challenging so I try to be empathetic. But, she is so hateful to me. Yelling at me, hanging up on me, telling the only friend she has left nasty things about me not helping her, etc., etc. I'm slowly coming to the realization that she likely has an underlying mental illness (borderline personality disorder?) in addition to the cognitive and behavioral issues of aging. She has lived in the same community for 50 years and only has 1 friend left. This fact helped me realize its her, not me. But I still question my perceptions all the time because its been a slow gradual slide from salty, eccentric old lady to dysfunctional, abusive, hoarder and there is no official diagnosis. The worst part for me at the moment is that she is in an untenable living situation (hold up in a falling down house that is unsafe and unsanitary) which she complains endlessly about, but she will lash out viciously if anyone tries to help her or even suggests a resource. Its a total catch 22 and I'm beginning to think she like having the power....the power of creating an impossible situation, tantruming about it and then refusing help while I (and her one friend) run in circles trying to help. Its hopeless but not endless....so we plough on.
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