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She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.

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Hi Bluebells - so sorry to hear what you're going thru. I'm feeling it today myself. It's all very hard. I hope things lighten for you - and to do whatever you can to take care of yourself during these tough times.
Sending best wishes ~
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I am glad I have found this post as I am feeling alone and struggling with similar feelings too. For the past year I have been caring for my dad who had a stroke and on set dementia. He is also incontinent of urine. He is manipulative and controlling. He has asked me to sell my home and move in with him even though I have an 18 year old daughter that lives with me whom he also expects to care for him. Our home is our safe place with memories built up over the years. I am a 50 year old woman working 12 hour shifts Monday to Friday. He is basically trapping me and my daughter into being his full time carer. The weekends where I would like and need to re charge my batteries and do nice things is taken up with visiting him, shopping, making meals and sorting his medications. However hard I try to be positive and keep the visits as short and as productive as I can I leave feeling drained, depressed, guilty and emotionally void.
He was abusive to my mother when she was at the end of her life -so much so that safeguarding had to get involved and placed her in a nursing home. I feel like I have PTSD remembering how tortured my mother was and also so resentful that I had to care for my mother as a single mother with a toddler because he could not cope and now I have to care for him.
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My mother's going to be 86 years old. She has always been asleep at the wheel and never a great mother. We were never protected, hugged, loved, emotionally built up and I have a lot of hatred for her for my childhood. But her insensitivity and cruel cold streak is really getting unbearable and so obnoxious that I can't stand to even be on the phone with her for 2 minutes if it's 1 minute she finds a way to be abusive and annoying and you are definitely not alone. I'm going through cancer and she doesn't care at all hasn't changed her horrible personality to help me one bit. Sometimes you just have to let go because you can't choose your parents or your family. My older sister has been a no-show for me as well on an emotional level. She was there for 2 minutes and then for the past 8 months not one word. She's always been a narcissist and very abusive and jealous of me and so you know what? Keep your head up high be a warrior go through it on your own you don't need the support of people who don't make you feel good and who only hurts you and creates stress. That's why I got sick in the first place. I have too many horrible people around me causing stress and so let it go and let God.
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I’m sorry all of this is happening (happened). Her past behavior is part of her current behavior. You don’t deserve this. and after realizing the date of this post, I’m thinking she may be has passed away.

I wouldn’t waste any energy not liking her. And definitely don’t spend any energy feeling guilty. I wouldn’t be able to stand her either. I would treat her well and then turn around and put her right out of my mind. We do not want to spend her energy overthinking their behavior. It is such a waste of time.

I would have minimal visits. Making sure she’s cared for. And as comfortable as possible. And hopefully by now you’re done with all of that.

I’ve worked for a woman that behaves very similar. We are now going on the eighth year. She has been negative and depressed all of her life, and as she has become aleven older with some dementia, it is even worse. She drank forever and now being in an assisted living, she cannot drink. So then we deal with being a dry drunk plus the negative behavior plus the dementia. She is very hateful towards others and mumbles a lot of nasty things under her breath. Everything is a negative. Everything is hateful. She is definitely what I call toxic.

I am encouraged by many others to take care of myself do what I can for her and then put her out of my mind and take care of myself.

I’m sorry this is your mom that behaves (behaved) this way I can’t even imagine if this woman were my mom. I always think I’ll do my best job and thank goodness I receive a paycheck.

Take good care
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This post should have been closed since it’s from 2011
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Justaguy,

I feel your pain and I am sorry that you are going through hell with your mom.

Walk away from her when she starts her foolishness. Don’t be her audience in her dramatic performances. Let her become a solo act in an empty theatre.

Smile on your way out! I have done this successfully with people that I don’t wish to be around. It’s extremely gratifying!

I have absolutely no desire to argue with a stupid person. Ignorance can be overcome. Stupidity is another story.

My grandmother was an angel from heaven. My husband’s grandmother was pure evil who tried to be a dictator to everyone in her life. People like this know who to latch onto. They target vulnerable people.

Ha! She succeeded with her husband. My husband’s grandfather was a sweetheart, devoted to his wife and refused to get a divorce due to being a devout Catholic.

Everyone told him to leave her but he couldn’t find the courage to leave. Divorce was very much frowned upon at that time. Sadly, the man never retired from his job because he didn’t want to be alone with her.

When he got cancer, the first words out of her mouth were, “What about me?” She didn’t give a rat’s a** about her husband or anyone else. Her husband left her with a mansion uptown and tons of money but nothing was ever enough for her.

Unfortunately, he died a broken man.

She died completely alone in the hospital where she continued to spew hate towards everyone. She wrote hate mail to all of us before she died. It’s sad and rather pathetic to see people living in so much misery.

She told me before I married my husband that she EXPECTED me to be at her house every Sunday for dinner! I said to her, “That is NOT happening!” and I walked away.

She lied and told everyone that her only daughter, my sweet mother in law was “faking” her cancer! I honestly don’t know how my mother in law survived her childhood with that woman!

Plan your escape as soon as possible. Then one day, all of this heartache will be nothing more than a distant memory.

You do not have to live in pain forever, nor do you have to have vengeance in your heart. You can simply live in peace.

Don’t ever allow anyone to hurt you or own a piece of your heart and soul after you leave them. Freedom is a beautiful thing.

Wishing you the very best in life!
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@JustAGuy1982


Your mother behaves as she does because the people she behaves this way to have always allowed it.

Don't make yourself a prisoner to your parents care needs. You have a right to have a life and to be treated with basic human respect and dignity. Also, no one can be put on a guilt trip unless they are willing to make the voyage.

The next time your mother gets 'mouthy' or abusive with you, look her square in the face and tell her to go f*** herself and give it right back to her. She sounds like a bully and you should treat her like one. I'm sure she'll fold like a cheap suit the second someone stands up to her.

Let me tell you something. No one has to automatically respect their parents or tolerate abusive behavior because they are our parents.

Anything beyond basic human respect is EARNED not guaranteed. If your mother wants to be treated with respect by you she can start treating you with respect.
If she doesn't, then cut her out of your life. Go totally 'Gray Rock' with her. You don't have to have a relationship with a person like her. No one does.

You'd be doing yourself a favor by moving away. You can still have a relationship with your father.
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I wouldn’t be concerned about this post going anywhere. It’s been around for years and years! 😊
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Please don't take this post down. A lot of us need to see the experiences of others who have moms that are so terribly difficult.

It helps to see I'm not alone in wishing her life would end and that helps me have a little less guilt about that wish.
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LaraMara77,

I doubt if you can legally force your mom to get on a plane.

You desperately need to see an elder law attorney in your state. It has helped me so much. See some of my old posts.

Hugs to you.
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JustAGuy1982, I hope things get better for you. She’s only 67, a year younger than me. You can be at this for a very long time.

Try to figure out what you need to do to get some distance from her. You matter too.
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JustAGuy1982 - your story is heartbreaking. You deserve some happiness in this life! Please get away from your mother while you still can.
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WHAT TO DO WITH SUCH A MOTHER? ANY LEGAL ADVISE? I cannot afford ANY nursing home costs for her. There are much cheaper alternatives abroad but how can I make her board the plane? I AM READY TO COMMIT SUICIDE AT THIS POINT!!! Please, someone tell me about legal steps that I could take to put her on a plane, please!
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You know, this post reminds me of a woman who I knew years ago. She had a drunk for a husband and a bossy invalid mother-inlaw. She ran a tourist home, did illustrations for childrens books and cleaned the tourist home wearing a stop watch. She had a lot of family issues. The verbal abuse from her mother in-law and the drunk husband sent her over the edge. She was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder and became suicidal.

You cannot take verbal abuse or any abuse for that matter thinking that it is just rolling off your back. Eventually, it catches up with you.
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True, this post has been helpful for many people. Some older posts aren’t relevant though and those can be removed.

Posts like this one can still be useful for others to read.

I have not been able to figure out how AgingCare closes posts. Lots of great posts are shut down because they don’t seem to be placed in the rotation cycle.
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No don't take this down. This is where I leave my darkest feelings. It is not easy being my mother's daughter. Most people I know have had normal mothers and cannot relate. This is my go to place.
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No, don't take this post down. It helped me when I was dealing with my brother's crazy ex who managed to alienate all of her children and me for four years. I had to deal with her yesterday at a funeral. Nothing wrong with her brain, just a weird, bossy and eccentric dressing woman. Everybody else was dressed decently. She came to the funeral wearing a plaid short skirt with boots at 76 years old! Even her friends she invited were dressed nicely for a funeral. I think these people were mean and bossy when they are younger and when old age really sets in there is hell to pay.

Years ago, my grandfather choked his granddaughter when she was trying to administer care to him and my mother had to go in and make him stop. He was another mean man and would beat his wife. It was mainly the two oldest granddaughters who stayed home and took care of him while the parents worked. He abused the hell out of them too.
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My mom has always been a mouthy control freak. I remember meeting people she worked with, and they all talked about her behind her back. They hated her because she was so bossy and hateful. You do this, you do that. When she became disabled in her early 50s this aggression got thrown on me and my father. She no longer had people to treat like garbage several hours a week, and we were the only ones around.

She is now going to be 67, and it's just crazy. It's always everyone is against her. She ridicules my father for having cancer, tells him he is stupid all the time. I work a high stress job, but the real stress is dealing with her. I often say it's sad I can get along with anyone in the world, but my mother. As soon as I am off work it's how useless I am. I am a failure. It's also endless guilt trips to make me feel pathetic.

The part that hurts worst of all, I am disabled. I have been for 15 years since a work related accident in my mid twenties. I have no life outside of work because I have given all of my free time to my parents. I am constantly being screamed at, which aggravates a headache condition. The endless stress is starting to have a strong affect on my health. I am planning on relocating, but the housing market is abysmal, especially with what I can afford.

She has become such a psychotic pathological liar, and she never understands anything anyone says. She takes everything the wrong way and then it's take it out on me and my father. Her doctors and neighbors think she is a sweet little old lady, but she deserves an academy award for her acting.

Somedays, I just want to die to get away from it. I'm one man, I never asked for this, and I never deserved the hell I am put through. The other people who left comments are the only reason I am still breathing. They have left me feeling a little less lonely in this world.
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This "very old post" helped me tremendously at 4am this morning in Feb 2024. I felt like I was drowning from all the emotions that are coming with dealing with my elderly abusive mother. While it was overwhelming to see a small slice of just how many of us go through this heartache, and how bad it can be, it was also somehow comforting to know I wasn't alone. And that it wasn't in my head. So thank you for leaving the post up and for providing those like me the solace of the words of others who are walking this incredibly difficult path. I see you. And maybe someone down the line will see me.
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strugglingson,

LOL 😆 It’s really dumb since it’s a very old post! I bet the poster’s mom has already been buried! The post is from 2011!

Administration should close the post.
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Amazing that this post keeps going. I think that’s testament to the power of the topic and how many people can relate to it. I hope the OP has some relief now
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Hopefully the poster’s mother has gone to her final reward by now and poster is under a palm tree drinking blender drinks. 😁
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This post is from 2011! I doubt if this poster is still around.
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I see my mother nearly every day when I go back every other month. She is nearly deaf and cannot hear on the phone so I no longer call, and for some reason she stopped utilizing iPad messaging so I don't text anymore when I'm not local. If there is something bad, I'm sure someone will call. I look at my off month as a respite until I start in again.
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I think there isn't enough money in the world for a doctor to want to get involved with the emotional drama around "difficult women".
There's just not a pill for it, hee hee.
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Why can’t doctors get involved with these wicked women? There is something terribly wrong with these mentally off and terribly abusive mothers! I’ve got one too! Disgusting!!
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No. You,have a right to protect your mental health. I'm sorry to hear about your pain. Unfortunately toxic mothers can TUG at our hearts. One where thier is bond for our flash and blood our mother. However facts are the facts...usually when you are a compassionate caring person,it usually harder to pull away. As the mind will be in confusion,you know you have too for your mentality,But your values,your kindness being human and deep ingrained aspect,of your own morther,who carried you for 9 months will be lodged deep in your psychic mind body and spirit.

Ask,me how I know. because my own morther,is complete evil nasty person who,never ever deserved a deaghter like me. I work in Mental health and have worked in the field for 30 years. I still,get triggered by my morther,I can't do it anymore,as I have 2 times nearly committed suicide by her nasty evil ways, By her DARVO response for me confronting her on behaviour why she is assusing me of something that , to ponit I was questioning my own mind. DARVO.
Her own denying
Sisters Attacking me.
Reverse
She become the victim
I have become the offender.
At 58 years,old I had to cut ties with most of my siblings,morther. Move out of area,after 30 year relationship.
As,it feels she wants to break me down.

I can not go through the pain anymore. For my own saninity,what's really hurtful you hope deep down she does love you.
However I belive that some people mothers just to toxic, they are sick in the head. How can they love you.
Ive had to deal with low self worth most of my life,because my nasty evil twisted mother. Who over the years,has been hot and cold towards me. When it was good our relationship we got on,however,she just could turn nasty and start twisting stuff,making up lies getting my sibling involved to bully me.

She turned me away at age of 18 years when I needed help. Played me off with my other sibling, she accessed me of stuff when I was growing up,I became her scapegoat,as well as family scapegoat. I never was trouble or did drugs but the way my family treated me. I was treated like shit on thier shoes. I ashamlly allowed that to happen,as I was desperate for her love,and to be part of family.
My journey has been different from my siblings,I have trained in all aspects of mental health, I can not tollarate how human can not have emaphthy for another human,or animal.
So. What "I'm saying" Dont let anyone even your mum take you for granted. No more. They know right and wrong,they have the capacity of sound mind. No more second chances. Elizabeth



manipulation,blame,not taking
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I’m in the same boat.
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No you are not alone! I moved out of state to get away from my mom, abuse is abuse! I still went to visit off and on. And helped with her care for the last 6 months of her life every weekend. My mom was so bad that everytime I hit the state line my whole being would start panicking and telling me to turn around go home. I had several reoccurring nightmares over my mother, for as long as I can remember. When she passed away I was relieved. All nightmares went away. 10 years later I'm dealing with my inlaws being horrible. I'm starting back at my old job in 2 weeks.
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Two points:
1) Anyone “born during the Great depression, children during WWII” is now coming up to 100 years old. Most elders have lost the ability to dominate with those bad behaviors at that age.
2) This post is dated March 2011. OP is long gone. It’s not a good idea to resurrect it.
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