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She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.

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Thank you for sharing such heartfelt emotions. I am the only remaining child of parents who were abusive to both me and my now deceased older brother. I would recommend that you look at the work of Alice Miller, The Body Never Forgets, and The Drama of the Gifted Child--there are others titles, too. Your depression may be caused by early memories and experiences and hurtfulness in growing up with an intolerable person. I have two parents who are 98 and 97 who live at home with a part-time caretaker. This holiday I am spending with loving and kind friends and family--I need a mental health break away from the toxicity of their home. You are not alone--put the guilt in a package, place it on a boat, and sail it down a river--say good-bye, and fill your life with goodness and grace--don't allow her to cause further harm to you and your children. Step away and take a break--she will be fine without you--she can do so much harm to your physical and mental health--protect your life and your health. I am 65 and am determined to live a stress-free, guilt-free happy life and wish the same for you--find the motivation and determination to make it happen. It's hard work, but you can do it--set yourself free. Good Luck--
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Reading through some of these posts is very sad. I had never known that elderly become so cranky and rude. Am used to movies with loving grandparents, etc in them. Reality is quite different and most of us are just not ready for it.
Am in my 60's as a Caregiver and am learning that part of the deal is being mocked daily, and being told to shut up when I speak my opinion.
It has been a very hard lesson, and I'm learning that being nice and helpful & caring - and giving up my life to help my Mom is simply not appreciated at all.
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Wow, I feel like I could have wrote this. I got online and searched my mothers "symptoms", that I'm having trouble with, and this popped up. My mother was very abusive and then abandoned me, but resorts to being emotional if she has to think about herself- she's just hateful. Is this narcissistic?
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struggling1, your post moved me to tears. You are so right with what you say, every word of it. I just wanted to tell you that and to send you a BIG HUG today and let you know that your words resonated with me. Wishing you the best of luck with everything you have on your plate, and the courage to learn to love yourself again b/c you are WORTH IT, regardless of the garbage your mother fed to you all those years.
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Im one of "us" with the mom stuff.........however she has passed, In September 2020........ Here I sit, over a year now and Im seeing all the things that got me where I am today. How the shudda, woudda coulda- all rises to the top, more damage done than even I expected- and I knew I was a friggin train wreck!

Shortly after she passed, my husband took a stroke- vascular dementia- and I am struggling to be the best I can be for him; somedays I just cant take the drooling, garbled words and I feel awful saying thing like-" I missed that, try again"
Im trying to maintain his dignity, treat him as a respected husband still love him, discuss things as husbands and wives do..... Im loosing it.
Sometimes I wonder if the mom issues just knocked the stuffin's out of me and I have less to work with for him, like tolerance-the drooling sends me out of my mind. I know better and I cant seem to work past it.

Ok, so those are todays issues, but for you that are still dealing with mom or dad....please, dont wait til their death put an end to this. If you carried what I carried, Im suggesting you start now- the healing process- have something left over either for you or whatever else get brought your way.

She used to refer to me as the "Blood clot that learned to walk and talk". Or" the worst miscarriage she ever had-she survived". All those little terms of hers are silent now, but not in my head. Still can hear them, still remember when and where she would toss out those phrases.....and on days Im sinking caring for my husband.....here they come again..... Dont wait for the parents to pass-dont let their labels become who you are as I did. Cuz in my situation now, granted Im not called a little b****, stupid b****, Gods garbage 24/7 like before yet when I cant seem to help my husband, all that is loud and clear.

I will say this for the first time publicly-here and now- I am 64 yrs old and I have no true sense of who I am. Nothing. I live from sun up to sun down, nothing in between. Im realizing now, how over the years and demands became constant, coudnt tell you the last movie I went to, last time I danced, used to decorate for holidays, bake, crochet, curled my hair or put on make up- my nails are now short and unpolished, refinished a piece of furniture....its all gone. As the years got worse, I dropped pieces of me, all over the roads traveled and today....there is nothing left to give up. Covid took the job-stroke took my husband; both I loved A LOT! Only time I leave the house is grocery's or doctor appointments.

Please read this and understand it doesnt end with the person ripping you up passing away. Get out now, while you can, any way you can for as long as you can. For me, it was so beat into me that now there is even less of me to care for him and yup, the guilt on that one.
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not at all-and we want to have a fun and happy dy-but this person will be miserable and try tomake it unhappy for all-that's my life every day-if you can exclude her-do it-mine lives with me-she sits in the lounge and just watches me every minute-and my hubby of 29 yrs allows it-so i'm on my own
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no-you are not alone-i care for my 97 yr mum-she never liked me from the time i was a little child-i'm now 60 yrs-she lives with me and hubby-but she's tearing us apart-married 29 yrs-she sits and watches everything i do-older brother rings every fortnigt-amazing-and aamazing-he's religious-it's all bs-i know where what you are going thru-it's so hard-if we didn't care-we would put them in a home-my concern is i love her-even though she's hated me for my entire life-but in a home her behaviour-she may be not treated well
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This probably won't help 10 years later but... One of the best decisions I ever made was cutting my Mom out of my life. I hope she can find some happiness regardless but she adds nothing to my life but misery so I cut her out and haven't regretted it a single day. My life belongs to me, not her.
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My father is exactly the same. Mean, demeaning and rude. He refuses to go into a nursing home so I am his sole caregiver. He doesn't drive or go grocery shopping any more. He is becoming more and more belligerent and mean. I am having a hard time dealing with his crap. Don't know what to do.
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You are not alone! My MIL has recently moved out of state to be near her 2 sons since the daughter didn't/couldn't do it anymore. MIL was the same way with her daughter but she was 600 miles away by her own choosing. We eventually moved her into a facility here, she has been here 3 months and O M G. We are definitely seeing the narcissistic ways. The holidays are coming and we will not be having her over for the holidays. We will visit her but the rest of the day will be with our family. There are many reasons why we are not having her over, but mainly to her holidays are just another day. She never went to daughter's house for holidays, always chose to stay home alone. That is what we will continue up here, she will stay in her home and we will make a quick visit. I do not feel bad about the decision, although she is just my MIL, but I can not have her ruin a family holiday with her narcissistic remarks or rude down right mean remarks to our adult children. It is what it is......do what is best for you and your family.
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It seems like you just explained my life at the moment. I don't know where to turn. It's taking its toll on my husband and myself. My mom has never been easy to get a long with. I've done everything I know to do to make her happy. She complains about my daughter in law, my grandkids and so on. I'm at wits end right now!
Thanks for letting me vent on my very first post! 🙄
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((((((hugs))))) Chris. It never rains but it pours. So sorry about your cat and the loss of loved ones, and your mother's insensitivity. I know. It's always all about her.
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So sorry Chriscat. I recently lost my beloved cat Daniel to lung cancer. I'm still grieving his loss. He was such a sweetheart and bright light.

Sorry for your other losses as well. God Bless!
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Thanks Send. I think you are right about the scapegoating. I have often felt judged negatively by my mother’s acquaintances before they have even met me, due to the bad and untrue things she’s said about me. My mother’s favourite trick is to only give someone half the story, so that something taken out of context can do maximum damage. As an example, my mother would complain that I hadn’t visited her in the past week or so, but would omit to say that this is because I’d been away for a few days, attending a family funeral in another part of the country. It’s taken me a lifetime to realise it’s pointless to attempt to understand or change this behaviour. The best you can do is to try and distance yourself from it and its damaging effects, although I accept this isn’t always possible.
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Chriscat,
Even more painful is the selfish and insensitive mother who treats others so kind.
And if you are the scapegoat for your mother, others in the family may treat you the same way.

That is why we cling to our pets for comfort, and why it is easier to give comfort to our cats (pets).

See you over there...on the cats thread.
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Thanks Send. I thought I would head over to the “caregivers cats…” post to see if anyone has any past experience of my cat’s condition.
As for my mother, I know what she is like, but as is the case for so many others on this forum as well as for me, the selfishness and insensitivity is still so damaging when you are faced with it, at a time when you could really use some kindness instead. I think we can all fall into the trap of hoping (in vain as it turns out) that just for once they will show some compassion….
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Chriscat,
So very sorry for your loss of Uncle and cousin. 🌹🌹
And the sad diagnosis of your cat being terminal. 😿

You know that you can talk about it here....

You will also receive continual support on the 'Caregivers Cats behaving badly.

This is so sad....
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Hi all. Not been on this site for a month or so as have had quite a few problems. Firstly one of my cats has been diagnosed with terminal cancer - I’m not sure how long he has left, and we are taking each day as it comes. On top of that, I lost a dear uncle three weeks ago followed by a close cousin of mine only last week, which was completely unexpected and shocking - and the poor girl was only in her 40s. I tried to talk about all of this with my mother as it has left me very distressed, but again I am reminded that she has never been able to offer emotional support throughout my life. Instead of listening and providing comfort she just started talking about some shopping she needed to get. Sickening. There is and never has been any empathy.
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Same here. 86 year old mom with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and now has Alzheimer's. Still I cannot tell what is the NPD and what is the Alzheimers. At our last day together, she was oddly physically strong. She was aggressive. In the morning she grabbed my arm outside her house and said "the neighbors will accuse you of abusing me." In the afternoon when I took her to the bank while I was trying to organize her financial matters, she said "I don't know why she is taking my money" when all I did was pay off her credit card. By the evening, she ran to a neighbor's and said I had hit her at dinner and had stolen her money. She came back to an ambulance, police, social workers, and told them the same thing. It seemed so calculated - she looked me in the eye while she was telling this absolute lie. And when I expressed shock at this allegation she looked at me and said "look at you so smug." It was all so calculated and manipulative that I have a hard time attributing it to her alzheimers as opposed to her NPD. Despite being her scapegoat girl, I'm the one who she always asked for money, for anything she needed. I gave and gave and gave. No one else would throw her a dime, or give her any time. This is all so hurtful. I just cannot believe it.
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I am happy to have found this group- I feel much less alone now. Honestly, my life has been an emotional roller coaster for 65 years- the pain she has caused my family is immeasurable. Dantonio, sadly your story mirrors mine. If I had a nickel for every time my mother told us “I gave my life for you kids”, I would be fabulously wealthy.
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I'm in the same situation in almost every aspect of your post, and same thing, blames me and my sister, only difference is my sis has always been the child that could do no wrong, but now it's just mean nasty cruel language, even to my wife(which kind of makes me have to try really hard to not yell back) I honestly can't wait until she forgets who I am, and my sister just was on the phone with me, and we were talking about how she won't take her meds, and my sister said she didn't care, because it will get her to let go of some of the things she thinks she can do as she gets worse, because she will forget about them, idk if that's bad or good, but it makes sense because she's so fixated on trying to understand her finances, among other things, she was a counselor, and I couldn't believe all she had to do was call the state of new mexico, and ask them to renew her license, and they did so without any continuing education or testing. I just realized I'm kind of venting.. Sorry about that, I think what caught my eye in your post was "she blames me and my sister' good luck to you. This is been the m stressful 7 months of my life!
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Enlightened: I hear you! My mother is 95 (just about) and I am 64. I have been listening to her threaten to kill herself since I was about 4 years old!!! She used to storm out of the house in the car leaving my grandmother & I home waiting by the door, saying she was going to drive the car 'off the bridge' and kill herself! Of course, that was my earliest recollection of her histrionics & LIES about threatening suicide. Nowadays, living in Memory Care AL (NEVER with me God forbid) I get the calls at least 2x a week about 'throwing herself out the window' or 'running out into traffic' to do herself in. I like to remind her she lives on the first floor so throwing herself out the window won't do any good and she's wheelchair bound so 'running out in traffic' isn't going to happen either, especially since the exterior doors are LOCKED in Memory Care. Wanna play games, ma, let's play. Six DECADES of BS is enough methinks. She'll live to 100 giving me a stomach ache and all I'll have to show for it is ulcers. Women like this GIVE cancer, they never GET it. How our father's lived with it is beyond me; I know I ran out of that house with lightening speed at 17 and never looked back. But now I'm stuck *as an only child* with her again for the past 10+ years; even with advanced dementia she can STILL play amazing mind games. Muscle memory (especially with the NPD types) NEVER fades away! They can remember how to gaslight and play punishment games right up until their dying day. #Truth

@Scapegoat: YOU have every right to a happy, guilt free existence too, you know! My DD says the same thing about narcs and karma and that my mother is alive at 95 precisely b/c she's getting her due for all the pain she's caused others her whole miserable life. But guess what? Her extended life is causing ME extended pain & misery!!!!!!!!!!!! :(
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You are not alone. You have every right to a happy, guilt free existence. She is safe and being cared for well. Leave her there and let her sit in her 💩 alone and don't feel bad about it. Because why?
Because old narcissists get what they deserve in the end.
Karma, baby.
Let go of the guilt!
Your children matter more than your guilt
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You are not at all alone. I am in a very similar situation with my 93 year old mother- no good deed goes unpunished, and she lies about me to her friends, that I am a screwup, that I am uncommunicative, that I don’t care about her. Her lies are selective based on her audience. Last week I was over to visit, and she fell-tripped over an electrical cord she stretched across a walkway. She insisted she was okay, and really she was- I called each day to check on her, but I work a demanding job- went over Friday and she is bruised but okay.
I called her Sunday and she had switched the story such that I am at fault- told her friends and some of our family members that she fell because “I was in a hurry”- I wasn’t, and never told her I was, had brought her magazines and books and was sitting outside while she went in to get something. I wanted to sit outside just in case I could be carrying any flu or covid viruses- when she fell inside, I ran in after I heard a loud thump. Had to help her up on her feet- and found in addition to this booby trap, she had brought more throw rugs into the house- I threw them all away six months ago. There always has to be a bad guy, it can never be her fault- and this is just another event in years and decades of abuse.
I am as you are- tired of the abuse. I am taking two weeks off from her- told her I have family members who tested positive for Covid- which is true, though they are asympomatic- and that she needs to get all of her listeners to pitch in. This is a mental health break and I am taking it!
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It’s taken me a long time to realise that my mother is a narcissist but coming to this forum has opened my eyes even further! I’m so happy I found you!!
My 80 year old mother ( I’m close to 50) is so negative that I can’t bear to spend time with her anymore. She is extremely critical, lecturing me about everything When I do spend time with her I’m walking on eggshells and get extremely anxious now before I visit her.
Our relationship has deteriorated ever since I met my husband seven years ago, before that, I lived close to her and our relationship was good, and at that stage I didn’t realise how much she has negatively affected my life.
I have spent the last several years trying to defend myself ( Ever since I got married at the age of 44) and the adult decisions I make but it all came to a head last year when I told her that she will not be coming to Christmas day lunch with my husbands 5 children ( my step children) and their partners and that we will be seeing her separately on Christmas Eve instead. She accepted it when my husband was sitting with me and we told her the new plans, but the next day she called me crying and implying that I don’t care about her and why wouldn’t I want to spend the day with my own Mother? I then received an email saying “Do you know how high the suicide rates on Xmas day are?” I stood up to her for the first time ever and told her that the decision has been made and that’s the way it was going to be moving forward. I will not going to be emotionally blackmailed now or ever and that if she is contemplating suicide that she should call life line. I was so angry with her that I just came out with it all!
My husband and his children have included my Mother at Xmas day events for the last 5 years and as his 89 year old mum doesn’t come either now so we decided that hubby’s kids should be able to see their own father with out my judgemental, critical, negative Mother at the table year after year.
Fast forward this years Christmas, and I have have just told her the plan is the same as last year and again she argued and cried and acted shocked and how could I do this to to her?
I have a brother and a sister who live out of state but never come for Xmas as my Mother has a problem with my brothers wife and her own granddaughter told me she “gets anxiety” when she speaks to grandma. I honestly believe the siblings escaped years ago and I just couldn’t see it.
My parents divorced when I was 18 years old and my Father was a drinker and Mum blamed the whole thing on him. My sister became estranged from him and never spoke to him again before he died.
im starting to wonder if it was my Mum’s fault, the constant criticism, nothing ever been good enough and the stress that she likes to feel whenever she gets the chance. I honestly don’t know how they lasted 21years. I remained very close to my Dad as he was a very chilled, relaxed, happy person at the end of his life and he loved me and was proud of me. I think I sensed there was something wrong with my Mothers emotional responses at a very young age.
My relationship with Mum was not always bad as long as I went along with most of the negative things that she thinks of, as soon as I started questioning her our relationship changed.
i have felt hurt that all the things I have included my Mother in are just forgotten even though I’ve been the only child in the state for 20 years, I have felt extreme frustration as she triggers me every time we speak, I have felt immense sadness that she has become this miserable person. The complex range of emotions have been extremely challenging but I am lucky my husband is so supportive.
My mother wasn’t always like this, I do understand its not easy with health problems and ageing in general and I love her and want what’s best for her, but I feel her toxicity and it’s becoming intolerable.
I am supposed to be seeing her this week and sadly I’m not looking forward to it. :((

Thank you for this forum x
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~although, difficult, have that one on one dialogue ( over a favorite meal ) 'mother boundaries have been crossed,' :( which is why, along with healthcare that your here.
x
Goodluck respectfully,
Brindi
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I would say do holidays on your terms. She doesn’t have to be included in everything. Take a special meal and a gift to her for Christmas, if you choose to. I wouldn’t allow her to ruin family gatherings any longer. She doesn’t need to know everything that’s going on. She doesn’t get to control the tone of family gatherings anymore. Spend time with her on your terms. This includes holidays.
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I know what you are going through my husbands mother has been hateful our entire marriage for 42 yrs. She has alzheimers and is 90 yrs old was living by her self. This last yr she stop taking a shower not washing her hair for a yr. She would tell us I know when to take a shower. At 85 she had to stop driving she would not keep maintence upon her car driving on one cylinder. She did not need to be going any where by herself. She could not tell you where she had been or even what she was doing. She starting falling 4 times with 6 month period. Last time we found her on the kitchen floor. Ambulance came and got her no broken bones. Doctor sent her to rehab to help her to walk again did not work she is in her last stages of dementia, not eating much or fluids. She complains and will not believe anything we tell her. Now she is in nursing home. We are relieve someone esle can put up with her. Hopefully God will take her soon. I would never put my grown kids through this ever. She is a selfish person always has been talks about her self nothing about her children or grandkids! Praise the Lord we do not have to do anything anymore for her if we do not want to. Life is too short just because they are your mother they do not have to treat their kids like we owe something!
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MidKid, your experiences sound familiar to me. In August I suffered concussion and an arm injury after a fall, and in the same week our son caught Covid. My mother didn’t call us at all to see how we were doing. It just wouldn’t occur to her to do so. Last week when we visited her after a few weeks of not being able to, she wasn’t interested in our recoveries, but immediately started talking about herself, with no enquiries as to how either of us were doing. This isn’t dementia, just someone who really only cares about herself. Over the years I’ve learned to accept it, and to make sure now that I only give as much as I’m prepared to give. I think that is a reasonable approach under the circumstances. To others I would say there’s no need to feel guilty if you reach the same conclusion in your relationships with a parent.
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Tribe--

Your story could be mine. I have gone 11-1/2 months between 'talks' with mom. It would have been a solid year or more, but she needed me to do something.

She was totally unaware that we had not spoken from Thanksgiving of one year to 2 weeks before Christmas of the NEXT year.

I was driving her to Bingo for about 8 weeks until I had to have a major ankle/foot surgery which has sidelined me for the last 9 weeks and probably the next month before I can really walk 'normally'.

She would find an excuse to call me every Monday before Bingo with some fake 'need' and to remind me that Tues. was Bingo. As soon as I had to step out, she stopped calling. Never called to check to see how I was doing post surgery---nothing. I am unsure whether or not I will return to being her 'ride' to Bingo. I'm not mad, I'm just sick of being treated like this.
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