Does "Enmeshment" sound familiar?

While this article mentions mostly parents and teens, I surely do think that we see it all the time here on Forum, and sure hope you will recommend this link to OPs where appropriate. It is good for awareness, I think. Thanks for posting this.

Absolutely. I have been enmeshed with my parents for as long as I can remember. My father has passed away, but at 93 for my mother and 65 for me, it seems too late to change anything.

It’s a common theme here, unfortunately. Parents that should raise their children to fly on their own instead teach them to be enmeshed and codependent.
And Tynagh, it’s never too late to change

From a different angle, I remember being asked how I was when pregnant & answering for both of us, like 'we wake up a lot at night already' 😆. Once bubs was born I was picked up answering 'how are you' with an answer about bubs - instead of about me. We were still 'one' in my mind I suppose in those early days...

But how quickly the little person's personality shows & by two or three, how many times did I hear NO!!! 😂 The toddler had worked out she was separate to me!!

And then again at around 11, there was a big pulling away from parental authority.

I never had that super close Mother-daughter thing that friends did. Sometimes I felt I missed out.

So maybe there are pros & cons to super close relationships. What's lovingly close & what's enmeshment is the question?

Q Does the enmeshment always start from the parent?

Or can a child train their parent to stay over attached?

I agree. It starts happening at a young age. It seems like some parents glorify themselves to their children. Some parents glorify their kids so much that they lose their own identity. Plus, this places a horrible burden on a child if we expect perfection. There has to be a healthy balance in a parent/child relationship. We learn along the way. I read all the parenting books but experience is the best teacher! Plus, every family is unique. There has never been a ‘one size fits all’ answer to anything in life.

How many of us asked our parents. “Why?”, as children? Didn’t we all hear the same answer? It was, “Because I said so! That’s why. I am the parent!” So, from a very young age we weren’t taught to be independent thinkers.

I feel many of our generation did teach our children to be independent thinkers. We did it in our everyday lives. When I was young, I wore whatever my mom told me to wear. When I got older. I wanted choices, to make my own decisions.

I had a rule when shopping with my daughters. We BOTH had to like it or I didn’t buy it. I learned this the hard way. LOL, I got tired of paying for clothes that sat in the closet with the tags still on and if I did make them wear it they behaved horribly! I learned quickly to pick my battles. I learned that we were separate individuals with our own taste and that it was fine. They did not have to like what I did and I didn’t have to like everything that they did. I didn’t make a purchase until something was found that we BOTH liked. I saved a lot of money and everyone was happy.

It is interesting that we were taught not to question why. Nowadays. kids feel free to ask why. Most parents are happy to explain their reasons.

I did find out later from my mom that whenever I asked her what she liked, that I chose the opposite. Hahaha, she said that she started picking the one that she didn’t like so I would buy the opposite one. Pretty smart! I confess that I did that a few times too. Kids don’t want to be our twin as they grow older. I always thought it was fun to see their own taste and interests evolve.

It’s all about breaking patterns. We have the opportunity to raise a follower or a leader. We can encourage, support, tell our story but allow our kids to create their own path, then they are much less likely to become enmeshed with us.

Oh my gosh, look at the relationship between husbands and wives long ago. Men were the boss! Women didn’t think for themselves. Men wanted to be worshipped. Many men now like independent, assertive women. They want to be husbands, not father figures.

Men don’t want the pressure of a woman putting them on a pedestal. I remember a very long time ago, my husband saying to me, “Don’t ever place me on a pedestal, because I don’t want to fall off.” Believing in someone is wonderful but not ever allowing failure is unrealistic and places unnecessary pressure on people.

Frankly, the word enmeshment is a kind or polite way to speak of emotional incest between a parent and child who is either young or full-grown.

I've been on this site for years and see this dynamic over and over again. In many cases, it leads a grown son or daughter to abandon their spouse and children for usually, their mom.

This is not right. People are to emotionally leave their parents and then emotionally cleave to their spouse. It's not, I agree to be married until my parents get old.

People in these relationships where they have been made their parent's substitute partner or spouse can gain freedom, but it takes both work and therapy to reach that goal which will include boundaries.

Such parents have poor boundaries and they do not want their children to have healthy boundaries.

A child does not create an enmeshed relationship, the parent grooms them to become enmeshed.

NeedHelpWithMom,

Yes and I was so glad to hear my wife say that her therapist told her to stop expecting me to be the dad she never had for that was not fair. Also, I found a book for her to read with the title about being your husband's wifey lover not his mother lover. Healthy love does not treat each other as a parent or a child. I did have to point out to her though when I was feeling mothered.