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Even if he divorces her, she is entitled to something. Divorcing, though, may make it easier for her to get Medicaid. Please don't wait. Its going to be harder to get Medicaid as time goes on.
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She goes with him to his new state where he is employed. That is his responsibility and there should be no question about it.
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You should have several family meetings with your Mom’s husband to determine a course of action. Being a primary care giver and working is extremely, extremely hard, mentally, physically, emotionally, but with proper resources some of the stress and being overwhelmed can be relived. Your mother is still his wife, so there are some legalities to be determined. Research and work together as a team and choose what are the best options for everyone and your mother. It will take ‘work’, but more than a verbal commitment or wish... get together ASAP... this can be resolved
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Step dad and you daughters need to consult an elder law attorney. The elder law attorney can help with structuring mom's finances so she can be eligible for long term Medicaid care. This is the middle class benefit of Medicaid. Each state as complicated and must be complied for rules, so therefore, the elder law attorney can help you. For example in California, there are rules for transferring assets to spend down assets. Do it wrong, violate a rule, and eligibility is denied. Also, your stepfather needs assistance too. Since it seems that most likely had both had assets when they entered the marriage, whatever a pre-nup contains must also be reviewed.
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DEBdaughter,
To answer your question....Yes, the 401k is a hypothetical asset.
When a husband is bailing, they cash out or hide their assets first.
It is a red flag that he is not responding to calls, texts, or e-mails.

Repeating: Someone needs to advocate for Mom. And yes, for both of them.
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So to provide an update. He calle day sister last Sunday and it got ugly when she said she couldn’t take her in. He started asking her “why don’t you want to take care of your mom? I’ve done it for 5 years, it’s someone else’s turn” then it took an even worse turn when he began with “I hope you don’t have these same genes and this happened to you”. This turn happened when we mentioned that we think divorce might be the best option.

The call was ended and we have consulted an attorney and basically everyone said we don’t have a ton of options at this moment. But divorce is the probably the best option at this point and that it is critical that we all work together so this goes smoothly. We have all sent pleading messages to him to call us and work out a plan with absolutely no response.

Now we have NO IDEA what to do now... we have called out mom and she is ok. So we at minimum know that.
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I should add that we think he fears we will take him for half of everything if hey get divorced, but that’s not the case at all. What we need to figure out is how to get him to be able to continue his life and allow my mom to get on Medicaid. We don’t want/need half to do that. But I think he doesn’t trust us? It’s all very frustrating!
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I have been doing some reading up on the stages of Dementia and I believe she’s entering into stage 6 of 7. Not really sure that’s relevant but still some details.
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Stop, you need to see an attorney to advise you. And certainly, don't negotiate anything financial with the husband. If this is a long marriage, comingled money, inheritances, assets brought into the marriage or whatever, you mother is entitled to her share of the martial money. If appropriate it's 50%, it all depends on any pre-nup, any moneys brought into marriage, etc. Please do this as soon as possible and get copies all of the accounts statements, account numbers, financial information, pensions, income tax forms, deeds, and anything financial etc. Better to copy it now, then have it disappear later. Go see mom when step dad's not there and go through the house. Make copies. Time is important.
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Did you see an attorney who specializes in Elder Law?
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@agingmyself yes he specializes in elder law.
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You really need a lawyer that understands Medicaid. You may not want to take him for half but might have to. It depends on Medicaid rules.
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I have not read all the comments and I browsed thru very quickly your situation
We became part of the statistic for elderly care. Mom has beginning dementia/ end stage kidney disease- can not walk along with other ailments
Dad can no longer take care of her
Yes married- limited income and a lot of other financial problems
But with a lot of hard
We got her Medi Cal.
Denied two or 3 times.
Went down to social worker instead of mail / email
And finally received benefits for long term.
I hope this helps
We were denied vetrerns benefits from aid and attendance because dad unfortunately didn’t serve in a war period of active duty
Dont give up
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We also didn’t qualify for in home services
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I'm surprised that divorce is the best route to take. We found that the protections for the community spouse when applying for Medicaid were generous. For example, the wife can give the husband money without the 5 year look back coming into effect. Money saved in retirement accounts "didn't count". The community spouse can keep the house, a car, half of the assets up to a certain number. But spousal protection laws vary from state to state.

Also, if the marriage didn't happen until 2013, and they divorce now, FishyMom's mother will not be eligible to collect on her spouse's Social Security earnings when he reaches full Social Security age. That could be helpful in four or five years.
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