Good morning,
I am new to the group and have been shoved into a journey of dealing with my mom. She has early onset frontal lobe dementia. She got remarried in 2007/2008 or so to her current husband. She currently lives with him and doesn't work and primarily watches game shows daily.
I have 2 older sisters and we received a message this morning that my mom's husband may be having to move to work, out of state. He asked her if she wanted to move with him, and she said she didn't want to move and wanted to live with my oldest sister. He sent a message to her letting her know the information above.
So I need some guidance... I don't know where to start.... what to do? We (my sisters and I) cannot accommodate her to come live with any of us. And a facility is way too expensive for any of us to afford. I don't know what I don't even know.... so anyone who can help or provide me resources or where to start with this would be so greatly appreciated.
I should also add, that she has no financial means, she is on SS but doesn't receive much.
TIA.
You could research the area he will be moving to. Are there Daycares, aide help, ect. Office of Aging in that county should have info.
We know there are some serious repercussions for him doing that but I’m worried he’s at the end of his rope.
I will check out those resources and see what options he has. Anyone know anything about sposal impovrishment? Options on assisted living? And how to lower the costs?
There are resources--day care, for example. He needs help finding them. Contact the local Council on Aging or the Mental Health Council, have her doctor make some referrals, and/or see an attorney who specializes in Elder Care.
Maybe you and your sisters can help him figure out what to do for his wife. Men, no offense to anyone, are typically not resourceful caregivers. If you see that he is at the end of his rope, odds are he is hanging on by the skin of his teeth.
Any move will be hard on your mom, it is just that way with dementia and the elderly.
I would seriously consider a family meeting with step-dad and all siblings involved and try to find a way to keep mom safe and cared for. Finding a place that parents can afford is a matter of research and I think your local area on aging is a great place for resources, it helps with lists and phone numbers to the services required, as well as the steps needed to insure that mom is being properly placed for her condition, dementia only gets bigger, I don't say worse because some hard to handle individuals become easier, so keep this in mind when making a decision. The further into dementia the harder change becomes.
Now is the time to pull together, as this is really about mom and her well being. Hopefully step-dad will bear the responsibility he willingly accepted when he married your mom. If not, and no one else can take her, take her to the hospital, tell them her husband abandoned her and she has no safe place to go. This will get the state involved and hopefully get her placed and on the road to Medicaid. He will get into a lot of trouble, but if he abandons her, he should. Walking away doesn't nix legal or financial responsibilities.
I hope that he is man enough to do right by his wife.
Just dropping her off at one of her daughters' homes with no paperwork in place to allow them to make decisions or spend her money is not a good plan at all.
One text message about a hypothetical move and marriage breakdown doesn't seem a lot to go on...
Where is Mom living now?
Does she own the home, or both, or rent?
Can she stay put and have in-home support come in?
Can the hubs be required to support her at home?
Is it really a divorce? You want to get his new address before he moves.
Many many couples live apart for work purposes.
What are their ages?
A visit is in order, called boots on the ground. Imo.
He has not mentioned divorce but it seems like that might be what he wants since he’s trying to move and have her live with someone else. He is moving for work. Asking her (he had to of known) is ridiculous because he knew she would say no.
My mom is 62 and currently in TX. She is pretty far advanced and really shouldn’t be left alone for long periods of time. She knows who her kids are but has 0 emotional awareness and has really no recollection who we are married to or that we all have young kids. He has cameras installed and monitors the house regularly to make sure she’s safe and eating.
That being said her husband is similar aged, so he is still too young to retire and he said that he has looked into facilities for her but it would cost him more money than he makes, which I know now isn’t possible. He lives a semi lavish (for him) lifestyle - eats out, hunts, nice truck, large home, etc. The home was his before met my mom. She literally has NO assets to her name.. before we realized that she had this disease she would compulsively shop and hoard stuff in closets, she she spent all the funds from her divorce from my dad.
We have tried to reach back out to him but he seems to be avoiding us. He just keeps texting back that he’s busy. My sisters and I are starting to think that this is a false alarm and he’s crying wolf...
In some states, after 11 years of marriage, she would get support. Unless there was a pre-nuptial signed, she has 1/2 of the marital assets, including furniture.
You think she has no assets, but the truth of that may be more likely that she will not be able to receive government supports because of the assets in divorce. Even though he owned the home prior to marriage, she would be entitled to 1/2 of the increase in equity from the value at time of marriage to the present time: 11 years.
There may be cars, other investments.
You don't know that he is selling the house or has already sold it. Or selling the furniture off, and other assets. She needs an attorney. There may be debts.
She needs help now, from family. Try googling homes for sale at their address.
Like I said, boots on the ground. Try a phone call, personal contact, and friends on FB.
In some states, after 11 years of marriage, she would get support. Unless there was a pre-nuptial signed, she has 1/2 of the marital assets, including furniture.
You think she has no assets, but the truth of that may be more likely that she will not be able to receive government supports because of the assets in divorce. Even though he owned the home prior to marriage, she would be entitled to 1/2 of the increase in equity from the value at time of marriage to the present time: 11 years.
There may be cars, other investments.
You don't know that he is selling the house or has already sold it. Or selling the furniture off, and other assets. She needs an attorney. There may be debts.
She needs help now, from family. Try googling homes for sale at their address.
Like I said, boots on the ground. Try a phone call, personal contact, and friends on FB.
Wishing this is a false alarm is not going to work out.
If he moves he will sell, I have checked and it doesn’t appear that it’s currently for sale. They sold her car a couple of years ago because she would drive off and get lost (very scary).
"Section 2.401 of the Texas Family Code holds that a common law marriage is one in which no formal marriage ceremony was held, no marriage license was obtained and the parties had: ... live together in Texas as husband and wife. hold themselves out to others in Texas as husband and wife.Jul 5, 2017".
AND THEN THEY WERE MARRIED!
Your statement, I think, is reflecting a defeatist attitude when you say:
"My best guess is that he doesn’t want to give up a lot of money to do this. Which limits us".
The divorce laws are the laws.....oops, he just cashed in his 401 K.
Perhaps you could research Elder Law attorneys in their area and suggest that he make an appointment to see about getting her qualified for Medicaid. He need not lose his home and income for her care, and a good elder law attorney can accomplish that.
You might also want to research and visit care facilities to see what might be suitable for her.
Here is an elder attorney with all the right credentials. Look for one in stepdads area. He needs someone that knows the ropes that can handle it all for him.
He has been dealing with this awhile now and trying to work. It must feel overwhelming to need to move with her in her current condition.
Does he have children living near by that may have been helping him with her?
Texas is a community property state. While you aren’t willing to take her in, and I’m not saying you should, it’s good you are trying to help him find solutions. Let us know how you handle this.
Can anyone go and visit them any time soon?
I have to say, the poor man must be tearing his hair out. Of course she's your mother, and you naturally want the best for her, but don't let that prevent you from assessing their situation objectively. If it isn't going to end up in a terrible mess you will need his co-operation.
The situation also brings to my mind a comparable one I know of where the wife is showing clear signs of dementia and her husband has simply upped sticks and left the country. I think very badly of him for it, I think he's an irresponsible cad, but it does shed a different light on how your stepfather is behaving. At least he has demonstrated an interest in protecting your mother and looking for workable options for her. I should get on board with that, if I were you.