Dementia - divorce, care, moving... HELP!!

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Good morning,


I am new to the group and have been shoved into a journey of dealing with my mom. She has early onset frontal lobe dementia. She got remarried in 2007/2008 or so to her current husband. She currently lives with him and doesn't work and primarily watches game shows daily.


I have 2 older sisters and we received a message this morning that my mom's husband may be having to move to work, out of state. He asked her if she wanted to move with him, and she said she didn't want to move and wanted to live with my oldest sister. He sent a message to her letting her know the information above.


So I need some guidance... I don't know where to start.... what to do? We (my sisters and I) cannot accommodate her to come live with any of us. And a facility is way too expensive for any of us to afford. I don't know what I don't even know.... so anyone who can help or provide me resources or where to start with this would be so greatly appreciated.


I should also add, that she has no financial means, she is on SS but doesn't receive much.


TIA.

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I'm surprised that divorce is the best route to take. We found that the protections for the community spouse when applying for Medicaid were generous. For example, the wife can give the husband money without the 5 year look back coming into effect. Money saved in retirement accounts "didn't count". The community spouse can keep the house, a car, half of the assets up to a certain number. But spousal protection laws vary from state to state.

Also, if the marriage didn't happen until 2013, and they divorce now, FishyMom's mother will not be eligible to collect on her spouse's Social Security earnings when he reaches full Social Security age. That could be helpful in four or five years.
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We also didn’t qualify for in home services
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I have not read all the comments and I browsed thru very quickly your situation
We became part of the statistic for elderly care. Mom has beginning dementia/ end stage kidney disease- can not walk along with other ailments
Dad can no longer take care of her
Yes married- limited income and a lot of other financial problems
But with a lot of hard
We got her Medi Cal.
Denied two or 3 times.
Went down to social worker instead of mail / email
And finally received benefits for long term.
I hope this helps
We were denied vetrerns benefits from aid and attendance because dad unfortunately didn’t serve in a war period of active duty
Dont give up
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You really need a lawyer that understands Medicaid. You may not want to take him for half but might have to. It depends on Medicaid rules.
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@agingmyself yes he specializes in elder law.
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Did you see an attorney who specializes in Elder Law?
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Stop, you need to see an attorney to advise you. And certainly, don't negotiate anything financial with the husband. If this is a long marriage, comingled money, inheritances, assets brought into the marriage or whatever, you mother is entitled to her share of the martial money. If appropriate it's 50%, it all depends on any pre-nup, any moneys brought into marriage, etc. Please do this as soon as possible and get copies all of the accounts statements, account numbers, financial information, pensions, income tax forms, deeds, and anything financial etc. Better to copy it now, then have it disappear later. Go see mom when step dad's not there and go through the house. Make copies. Time is important.
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I have been doing some reading up on the stages of Dementia and I believe she’s entering into stage 6 of 7. Not really sure that’s relevant but still some details.
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I should add that we think he fears we will take him for half of everything if hey get divorced, but that’s not the case at all. What we need to figure out is how to get him to be able to continue his life and allow my mom to get on Medicaid. We don’t want/need half to do that. But I think he doesn’t trust us? It’s all very frustrating!
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So to provide an update. He calle day sister last Sunday and it got ugly when she said she couldn’t take her in. He started asking her “why don’t you want to take care of your mom? I’ve done it for 5 years, it’s someone else’s turn” then it took an even worse turn when he began with “I hope you don’t have these same genes and this happened to you”. This turn happened when we mentioned that we think divorce might be the best option.

The call was ended and we have consulted an attorney and basically everyone said we don’t have a ton of options at this moment. But divorce is the probably the best option at this point and that it is critical that we all work together so this goes smoothly. We have all sent pleading messages to him to call us and work out a plan with absolutely no response.

Now we have NO IDEA what to do now... we have called out mom and she is ok. So we at minimum know that.
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