My dad bullies me and controls me.

Karol, that's a good idea about safeguarding your place while you're gone. Too bad one of your sibs won't watch him or take him home with them. I don't blame you for being scared that you'll come home to a burned down house.
You mentioned about your sibs setting an example to their kids about visiting in old age. People do in fact look to others as an example. My mom was an only child and when her mom couldn't live alone, she moved grandma from CO to TX to live with her and my dad. Mom let her mom know every day how much she resented taking care of her (I wasn't the only one my mom was mean to). Poor grandma. So one time my mom was being particularly ugly, I told her what I had observed and what kind of example she had set for me. I also reminded her, that if I were less of a person, I might be treating her as she had treated her mom. My mom knew what I was talking about and didn't say a word. I doubt it meant anything to her but it was a life lesson I've always kept in mind. Just sharing.

Ye always my duty parents do set examples for us. That is so sad she did that to her own Mother. I stayed with my Mom every single day but went home at night to get a good nights sleep so that I could deal with what was in store for the next day. Two of my sisters did help out then and would spend the night but she slept every night so they slept. I gave her every bath, cleaned house, all duties that had to be done during the day. No regrets and I miss her terribly. She was all so grateful to me. Two other sibs did nothing. She left this world knowing I was all there for her and quite my job to see her out of this world. She was only 62 when she died. On the other hand my dad has aged and the brain does not work as well for him so it is rather difficult and everywhere we go he tell everyone he is 94 and thinks because he is so old that my duty is to keep him happy and give him his way and I mean all the way. The heck with my life and who knows I may die early like my Mom. I am now 59. And who knows how long this can go on because most of the men in his family lives to be around 100. So he may very well see me leave this world. I sure hope not but we never know. But yes I feel hurt for your Grandma. No one should be treated that way. We lived too far away from both sets of my Grandparents so my parents never took care of them. I live in Louisiana and my Granparents live in Montana on my Moms side(she was adopted) Then my Dads mother lived in Ohio. So we got no example there. My Dad very often tells me how stubborn his Mom was and no one could get along with her. Wow sounds familiar.ha And yes we do keep things stored in our mind and do refer back to them when needed. Your Mother should be very grateful to YOU.

I understand the comments about narcissists and abusers as I was married to one for 31 years. I had to learn that I control my life and that I need to set and defend my boundaries. I am now taking care of my 93 year old mother who, thankfully, is not abusive or controlling. Back to the abusive people, one quote that has inspired me for the past 40 years (and I don't even remember where I read it, I think in a feminist novel or essay) is "A slave is someone who waits for someone else to free them." People will do to you what you allow them to do. I allowed my spouse to abuse me for years. I have found support, knowledge, and understanding through my local domestic violence shelter support groups. Everyone is welcome and one doesn't need to be currently in an abusive relationship to attend. However, from what people are writing about their parents, they ARE being abused. There is also a domestic abuse hotline number. You can call just to talk. So, if you can't get to a group, you can find someone to talk to who understands and can help YOU break out of the cycle. Another thing I learned is that change happens in "baby steps." When you take some of those steps even though you are scared, the WOW, I DID IT and the world did not collapse is so awesome, you start taking more steps. Your "self" starts to grow again. Then one day you may realize that you have evolved from a victim, to a survivor, to a thriver (thriving individual). Your parent or siblings might not like it, but that is not your problem; it is their problem. This is now starting to sound like other comments. Jeannegibs, I think you are right on. I've been reading the forums on this site for a few months, and your insight is valuable.

My mother- I am adopted- told me that the only reason she adopted me was because no one else wanted me. She said I am jealous, selfish, and stingy, said that she wished my dad had suffered when he died, said I owe her all the money that was spent raising me, and said "I need you to come straighten up my clothes." That was 2 months ago. I have not seen or spoken to her since My cousin is flying in today and will take her home with her. I am 54 and have had 54 years of similar treatment. It is time for me to live my life. Do I feel guilty- NO

JanetJ, congrats on surviving your abusive husband and deciding to get help. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's never too late to overcome the adversities. Having a parent who bullies is no picnic but you're right, you have to learn to stand up to them and hope it'll get better with effort, and if it doesn't, there's always the option to walk away. What ever the choice, it is our to make.

Well, I took my Dad grocery shopping yesterday and since he will not allow me to have my own cart, I did not buy anything as I am tired of my bread and eggs getting smushed so I took him home and then my husband and I went back into town which is 25 minutes away from my house and we bought my groceries. Sooner or later he will ask my why and I will tell him because you will not allow me to have my own cart. It was nice using my own cart and just shopping. I haven't done that for 7 months. He will not be going to see his sister in the nursing home untill next week. He thinks he should go every week. I have invited my oldest daughter and her kids out to the house tonite. I am tired of doing just for him and things will change and when it gets to where he is interfearing in my life then I will revamp the situation untill then I am going to live my life some. Just because he is 94 doesn't mean I have to honor just him.

I am uplifted reading about the changes you made. I can feel the smile in your words. "I am woman, hear me roar."

He Sounds Lonely and Reaching out for Attention even if its negative..
maybe do things WITH HIM..NOT JUST hand him food..k .play cards..
to an outing..park..etc.
its just how some are knwing that they are at an age&Alone.k

Karol, I wanted you to know you have been heard and I understand so many of the issues you are dealing with. My Mom lives with me even though she has her own house (built by my husband) at the back of our property. She just 'decided' she didn't want to live there anymore. She's 88 and has a few health issues but is mainly able to live independently but just chooses not to. She's very controlling. She has never paid her own way financially. Her 'money' is spent by her on what she wants such as more purses and shoes. My only sibling, a sister, tells me Mom is taking advantage of me and she doesn't want to spend time with mom. I understand that as Mom is negative, makes bad comments about everyone including our children and grandchildren. I'm preparing to make some changes here because living with my Mom is not pleasant and it's causing me so much stress. I think there are some of us who are just not cut out to be care-givers and we need to acknowledge that and make changes, for everyone's benefit.

BJ I read your note and know too exactly where you are coming from. I let me Dad to his own things for the past 7 months and it has gotten way out of control. I have had no control. I am cutting things out a little at a time. He goes off on me each time but then soon sits back and adapts. I know that he is lonely but I have given up my life and ready to live again. I do things with him also but am not going to allow this to be all my life and thats all there is to it. I retired 3 yrs ago to enjoy life. I am sorry that the other sibblings do nothing with his father but thats not my fault. I should have somewhat of a normal life too. My husband also does things with him but he has gotten to where it is only what he wants to do and the heck with us. I have 4 kids and 6 Grandkids and they are starting to feel the brunt of this also. So I give him one day a week now with whatever he wants to do and the rest is for me and my husband and my kids and grandkids. If he thinks it is his responsibility to go see his sister more than once every two weeks then he needs to call his other children. One sister is taking him once every month and I am taking him once a month, so he gets to see her twice a month. My Aunts husband is in the same nursing home and will not see him so he is the one that is lonely. I will see him when I go there once a month. I drink coffee every morning with him and sit on the porch and chat every day sometimes twice a day. How lonely can he be. Maybe he is lonely for the ones that dont come see him. Anyway, I am always on here BJ and know the stress you are going thru and anytime please do vent on here. It sounds like you have been very compasiohate towards your Mom and it is like it will be said soon the alternative is a nursing home if he is not happy here. Good Luck to you BJ and hugs to you!

I took my Dad to see his sister and my sisters husband yesterday then to the grocery store although I had just taken him grocery shopping Monday. Today is Friday and last night he informed me he needed some more spoons. So today I left to go do my shopping and bought his spoons. When I got home I put my groceries up then walked over to my Dads house which is 10 steps. He doesn't hear me if I knock so I always just walk in and he is usually in his recliner watching tv but this time he was in his bed playing with hisself, so I turned around and walked out. I do not know if he saw me but this is extremely embarassing to me as he is my Dad. He is 94. Does anyone else have to deal with this and what do I do about it. I just wish he would lock the doors when he is preforming this activity.